concrete, specific ways to...

[rei]

How to even explain this? I like the idea of being entirely focused on my own standards for myself - but - it also helps to be open to feedback. Especially in some situations.

I notice at times I am totally blind to how I come across to people, and sometimes that doesn't matter but sometimes it does.

I know the party line says seek fulfillment and validation within, I actually agree with that. But I also think my sense of emotional turmoil at hearing how I actually come across when it's not congruent with the intention - is a helpful motivator.

So, while I'm motivated (having just received some helpful feedback)... I'm curious about specific, concrete ways a person can be more aware of how they come across to people. (I don't mean creating a sense of being self-conscious, I just mean more awareness of how you come across that still allows for being natural.) Or specific, concrete ways to have the intention match up with the expression more of the time. I suppose talking slower would help. What else you got?

And how do we know, in considering our interest in feedback from others, what is just common or suitable for our practical purposes and where does it start to become about approval? I suppose even asking others this question means I wonder about the latter. But in some situations it's helpful to get the feedback, in case we aren't matching up with our intentions. And I like to be myself, but I like to have the expression of myself match my intentions too.

Thanks for any ideas you have for this...

[shasah]

Originally Posted by rei

How to even explain this? I like the idea of being entirely focused on my own standards for myself - but - it also helps to be open to feedback. Especially in some situations.

I notice at times I am totally blind to how I come across to people, and sometimes that doesn't matter but sometimes it does.

I know the party line says seek fulfillment and validation within, I actually agree with that. But I also think my sense of emotional turmoil at hearing how I actually come across when it's not congruent with the intention - is a helpful motivator.

So, while I'm motivated (having just received some helpful feedback)... I'm curious about specific, concrete ways a person can be more aware of how they come across to people. (I don't mean creating a sense of being self-conscious, I just mean more awareness of how you come across that still allows for being natural.) Or specific, concrete ways to have the intention match up with the expression more of the time. I suppose talking slower would help. What else you got?

And how do we know, in considering our interest in feedback from others, what is just common or suitable for our practical purposes and where does it start to become about approval? I suppose even asking others this question means I wonder about the latter. But in some situations it's helpful to get the feedback, in case we aren't matching up with our intentions. And I like to be myself, but I like to have the expression of myself match my intentions too.

Thanks for any ideas you have for this...

In person, body language says a lot. Maybe your body language is not matching what you are trying to say? In writing, a little trickier. It sounds like you are experiencing this face to face. Mine is more in writing, I mean one thing but others perceive it another way. ??

[ssandra]

Hi rei,

I think it is extremely important to know how you come across to other people. Not because you need to change who you are, or because other peoples opinions are more important, but because people react to how you come across them. Not to how you really are.

So if those 2 are out of balance, people are not dealing and reacting to the "real" you, but to the image they have off you. That might not always be a bad thing, but I believe it is always a good thing to be at least aware of it.

One example of my personal life:

Back when I was extremely shy, I got the feedback from a friend at one point that when she first met me, she thought I was extremely arrogant, and believed I was better then anyone else. This was my self defense mechanism. I thought I was pretending to be self confident, but what the outside world saw was arrogance.
In this case I changed some minor things, and came across very shy, instead of arrogant. Since that was closer to my true nature, I preferred that, to being perceived something that I wasn't at all.

A good way to know what people think of you: do a 360 evaluation.

This is asking all the people around you, meaning Boss, people under you professionally, family, friends etc. what they think of you. What do they think is your strong side and what do they think you would do well to change.

When you read them (especially good to do with an impartial 3rd party therapist for objectivity) keep in mind that this is not who you are, this is how others perceive you.

Before you read and analyze their messages, make a list of yourself. Who are you really. How do you want to be perceived by others. By friends, by family etc.

Then see how far those things are in line. If they are, good. You are being perceived the way you want to.

if not, ask yourself why, and if it is something you want to change or not.

Hope this answer helped!

Lots of Love,

Sandra

[rei]

Originally Posted by shasah

In person, body language says a lot. Maybe your body language is not matching what you are trying to say? In writing, a little trickier. It sounds like you are experiencing this face to face. Mine is more in writing, I mean one thing but others perceive it another way. ??

Well, this has happened once in person that I know of (it was the accumulation of several interactions - and in one sense I was communicating as I intended to, but in another sense the communication did not match how I thought I came across). And it was a written situation that prompted this thread, since two can show the beginning of a pattern.

It is more like my word choice... I don't really think about it sometimes, when I could more effectively communicate congruent with my intentions if I paid more attention to it.

[shasah]

Originally Posted by rei

Well, this has happened once in person that I know of (it was the accumulation of several interactions - and in one sense I was communicating as I intended to, but in another sense the communication did not match how I thought I came across). And it was a written situation that prompted this thread, since two can show the beginning of a pattern.

It is more like my word choice... I don't really think about it sometimes, when I could more effectively communicate congruent with my intentions if I paid more attention to it.

Same problem here. I think I'm coming across as happy and I'm (once) called condescending. I think I'm being funny and I'm told (a couple times) that it wasn't very funny. On the happy one, I was just honest in my response and on the funny, I decided not to try to force funny. So basically my state of mind comes into play.

On yours, why not try rereading your posts before sending them? Try to see it how others will read it? Usually if I do that I'm fine. It's when I don't reread and look for other perspectives that I get into trouble.

[shasah]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Hi rei,

I think it is extremely important to know how you come across to other people. Not because you need to change who you are, or because other peoples opinions are more important, but because people react to how you come across them. Not to how you really are.

So if those 2 are out of balance, people are not dealing and reacting to the "real" you, but to the image they have off you. That might not always be a bad thing, but I believe it is always a good thing to be at least aware of it.

One example of my personal life:

Back when I was extremely shy, I got the feedback from a friend at one point that when she first met me, she thought I was extremely arrogant, and believed I was better then anyone else. This was my self defense mechanism. I thought I was pretending to be self confident, but what the outside world saw was arrogance.
In this case I changed some minor things, and came across very shy, instead of arrogant. Since that was closer to my true nature, I preferred that, to being perceived something that I wasn't at all.

A good way to know what people think of you: do a 360 evaluation.

This is asking all the people around you, meaning Boss, people under you professionally, family, friends etc. what they think of you. What do they think is your strong side and what do they think you would do well to change.

When you read them (especially good to do with an impartial 3rd party therapist for objectivity) keep in mind that this is not who you are, this is how others perceive you.

Before you read and analyze their messages, make a list of yourself. Who are you really. How do you want to be perceived by others. By friends, by family etc.

Then see how far those things are in line. If they are, good. You are being perceived the way you want to.

if not, ask yourself why, and if it is something you want to change or not.

Hope this answer helped!

Lots of Love,

Sandra

I like your idea Sandra. I did it with first impressions and got a variety of answers I wasn't expecting. I'll bet the same will hold true of perception.

[rei]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Hi rei,

I think it is extremely important to know how you come across to other people. Not because you need to change who you are, or because other peoples opinions are more important, but because people react to how you come across them. Not to how you really are.

So if those 2 are out of balance, people are not dealing and reacting to the "real" you, but to the image they have off you. That might not always be a bad thing, but I believe it is always a good thing to be at least aware of it.

One example of my personal life:

Back when I was extremely shy, I got the feedback from a friend at one point that when she first met me, she thought I was extremely arrogant, and believed I was better then anyone else. This was my self defense mechanism. I thought I was pretending to be self confident, but what the outside world saw was arrogance.
In this case I changed some minor things, and came across very shy, instead of arrogant. Since that was closer to my true nature, I preferred that, to being perceived something that I wasn't at all.

A good way to know what people think of you: do a 360 evaluation.

This is asking all the people around you, meaning Boss, people under you professionally, family, friends etc. what they think of you. What do they think is your strong side and what do they think you would do well to change.

When you read them (especially good to do with an impartial 3rd party therapist for objectivity) keep in mind that this is not who you are, this is how others perceive you.

Before you read and analyze their messages, make a list of yourself. Who are you really. How do you want to be perceived by others. By friends, by family etc.

Then see how far those things are in line. If they are, good. You are being perceived the way you want to.

if not, ask yourself why, and if it is something you want to change or not.

Hope this answer helped!

Lots of Love,

Sandra

Thank you for this idea, it sounds really helpful. I sometimes forget people are responding to their idea of us and not necessarily to the self we intend to project to the world (I don't mean projecting in a false way).

(Whew, I must be in the middle of some major processing atm. Feeling all tearful and slightly nauseous.)

I think this sort of thing is hardest for me when my intention to be helpful, supportive, for growth is rightfully missed because of the way I communicate. It sets up a vibe that directly contradicts the intention, and it is hard for me, emotionally, to realize that has happened... because it is so very contrary to the goal. And because it can lead away from growth/insight/greater joy if that happens. I do not want to contribute to such a dynamic

But in those moments, I am fully responsible for the dynamic that may happen. It is painful for me to accept responsibility though, even if it is obviously appropriate. And then in other situations it seems more about them responding to the way they see me. The situation I was writing about here, though, was a case of me not communicating mindfully or effectively. Even though I meant to be.

Geez, maybe I'm just hormonal or something. Probably not though.

Originally Posted by shasah

Same problem here. I think I'm coming across as happy and I'm (once) called condescending. I think I'm being funny and I'm told (a couple times) that it wasn't very funny. On the happy one, I was just honest in my response and on the funny, I decided not to try to force funny. So basically my state of mind comes into play.

On yours, why not try rereading your posts before sending them? Try to see it how others will read it? Usually if I do that I'm fine. It's when I don't reread and look for other perspectives that I get into trouble.

Yeah, I definitely think part of the issue is I get all caught up in my spazziness and don't check what I write beyond checking for mechanical stuff.

[The Cloud]

You're super-intuitive about other people, I thought. Why can't that be applied to seeing how people perceive you? If you're really interested in how people feel about you, you should be able to sense it just like you sense anything else intuitively. Is there any particular reason this won't work? Is there too much interference from how you want to be perceived, or something like that? It seems to me that you should be eminently suited for figuring out what people think of you, unless you're blocking yourself somehow.

As for the line between seeking information vs. approval, it is crossed as soon as you have to ask which one you're doing. As soon as you ask, you are indicating that you are worried that you look like you're seeking approval, which means that you're more interested in how you appear than how you are. Of course, that's not a bad thing, because being aware of what you think about yourself is even more important than being aware of what other people think of you.

[rei]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

You're super-intuitive about other people, I thought. Why can't that be applied to seeing how people perceive you? If you're really interested in how people feel about you, you should be able to sense it just like you sense anything else intuitively. Is there any particular reason this won't work? Is there too much interference from how you want to be perceived, or something like that? It seems to me that you should be eminently suited for figuring out what people think of you, unless you're blocking yourself somehow.

Hehe. Well, the in-person situation happened when I was adjusting to some massive changes and not getting all my needs met. I bumped down Maslow's hierarchy at that time, and wasn't really interested in using my intuition like this. I was interested in communicating my state of being ('I am adjusting and would appreciate it if the environment was supporting me better').

Yes, in some cases I can intuit how others see me, and I may do that at times. I might find that a bit tiring, though, to do that constantly, especially now that I'm working with it professionally. (An athlete doesn't want to play the sport every second of the day - even if they say they live and breathe it they still enjoy being focused in other ways, I would think.) I get those signals in person when I'm paying attention to them, but in some of these situations it is not a real-time thing. It is feedback after the fact, and I'm not really someone who has a lot of precognitive experience.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

As for the line between seeking information vs. approval, it is crossed as soon as you have to ask which one you're doing. As soon as you ask, you are indicating that you are worried that you look like you're seeking approval, which means that you're more interested in how you appear than how you are. Of course, that's not a bad thing, because being aware of what you think about yourself is even more important than being aware of what other people think of you.

Yep. Now, how I am still trumps how I appear most of the time. But it's also beneficial to find out ways to increase mindfulness around others' perceptions. It supports my goals.

[ssandra]

You mentioned hormones in another thread....

I would not do anything with this until that problem is sorted out. Hormones have a very nasty way of sneaking up on persons and changing our own perception of events are they are happening. They are not reality.

I know, since I've been battling hormones almost my entire life... On and off the pill or other hormone based birth control.

So, although I've just had my own bound of miss communication happening (mainly my fault, some interpretations that were focused negatively) both online and off line, I would say for now, let it go.

Try to be as honest as possible in your communication, leave the judgments and hurt feelings when miss communication happens to the side, and try to explain your point of view as good as possible.

Other then that, either become very good in distinguishing between feelings and hormones (like I have done) or wait until your hormones sort themselves out.

[Criseyde]

Interesting thread...

I've noticed that you tend to write really long and detailed posts on the forum. It is a lot easier to assess someone's responses to you in an actual conversation, when you can observe, process, and adjust to the feedback you're getting. It's definitely harder when you're basically writing a great big wall o' text with no feedback until the end.

I don't think you necessarily have to use your super-intuitive-ness in order to do this though. I'm pretty sure that lower levels of intuition work okay. I know you're "an intuitive," but I'm not, but I still have intuition... do you get what I mean? (Well, I'm an ENFP and apparently we have pretty good intuition too, but I don't have to be "connected" to anything -- well, what I do doesn't sound anything like what you do, let's put it that way!) Responding to the feedback I'm getting from another person is a natural process for me, it doesn't require being tuned in to anything.

It's possible that since you have a gift for this, you never really developed the lower, more common levels of intuition. At least, that would be my guess. So unless you're actively tuned in, you're not really getting the way you come across to others.

I think the number one rule in dealing with (relative) strangers (especially on a forum) is KISS: keep it short and simple. If someone wants to know more, they will encourage you to keep going. In person/if you know someone a little better, you really can just ask them how much of your opinion they want. You're also allowed to "check in" ("am I making sense?" "are you still with me?" "is this okay?" "what do you think?" or even "how are you feeling about this?" and "do you want me to keep going?").

The number two rule is that there will always be someone somewhere who will project things onto you that you never meant. If someone accuses you of something, ask yourself "is it true?" and see what happens. If it IS true, back off and take steps to correct it. If it's not true, you have two options: 1. try to convince them it's not true (not recommended unless they're your nearest and dearest ) or 2. walk away.

Does this make sense?

And FWIW, I usually enjoy your posts.

[rei]

Originally Posted by ssandra

You mentioned hormones in another thread....

I would not do anything with this until that problem is sorted out. Hormones have a very nasty way of sneaking up on persons and changing our own perception of events are they are happening. They are not reality.

I know, since I've been battling hormones almost my entire life... On and off the pill or other hormone based birth control.

So, although I've just had my own bound of miss communication happening (mainly my fault, some interpretations that were focused negatively) both online and off line, I would say for now, let it go.

Try to be as honest as possible in your communication, leave the judgments and hurt feelings when miss communication happens to the side, and try to explain your point of view as good as possible.

Other then that, either become very good in distinguishing between feelings and hormones (like I have done) or wait until your hormones sort themselves out.

Letting it go is probably a useful idea right now... Especially since I expressed the emotions related to this. I feel embarrassed that I would care so much. And maybe I am being hard on myself... I mean, don't most of us get our wires crossed sometimes? (still bad timing for that to happen, though... very bad timing...)

Oh, and I am not sure this is actually hormonal. Not quite time for that this month, and the other thread was more something I wanted to post while I was thinking about it. But I do feel like I have processed as much as I can for now.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by rei

I was interested in communicating my state of being ('I am adjusting and would appreciate it if the environment was supporting me better').

Is that really what you wanted to say, though? Just going off my own experience, I know that whenever I arbitrarily say something like "I know I'm in the wrong state of mind, but I just need you to deal with me while I adjust," I feel all wrong inside. It feels like I'm asking somebody to support my emotional dysfunction. It feels way out of alignment with myself, and appropriately I never get the feeling that I'm getting what I want when I ask that question. Also, once I ask that question I commit myself more to the state of mind that I'm trying to get out of, and my intuition and ability to interact with people goes out the window.

Perhaps that's the problem you're having, is that you're asking for something that's out of alignment with yourself, and that's why you're not getting what you're asking for. I'm not saying it's wrong to ask for a more supportive environment, but if you're like me then the question is doing you harm, and trying to compensate for it with a concrete intellectual method won't address the underlying self-evasion.

That's the feeling I get, based on my experience, is that you feel like you deserve the thing you're asking for, but you really don't want it. Kind of like "why do I have to be so different, that I can't have the normal dysfunctional things that everybody else gets? Why can't somebody come along that can't be affected by my bad mood?" But you can't expect people to be unaffected by your bad mood when you yourself aren't unaffected. Perhaps a few people are lucky enough to have such acquaintances, but most of us have to live up to the best in ourselves without such inspirational company.

Then again, maybe I'm just projecting my own experiences where they don't belong.

[rei]

Originally Posted by Criseyde

Interesting thread...

I've noticed that you tend to write really long and detailed posts on the forum. It is a lot easier to assess someone's responses to you in an actual conversation, when you can observe, process, and adjust to the feedback you're getting. It's definitely harder when you're basically writing a great big wall o' text with no feedback until the end.

Hmm, yes, I like words I imagine my posts seem annoyingly long to some, and that is okay. At one time I wanted to focus on being more concise but now, I guess folks can just skim if they want to and that's a-okay with me. Or ignore altogether. It's true, real-time convos provide quicker feedback.

Originally Posted by Criseyde

I don't think you necessarily have to use your super-intuitive-ness in order to do this though. I'm pretty sure that lower levels of intuition work okay. I know you're "an intuitive," but I'm not, but I still have intuition... do you get what I mean? (Well, I'm an ENFP and apparently we have pretty good intuition too, but I don't have to be "connected" to anything -- well, what I do doesn't sound anything like what you do, let's put it that way!) Responding to the feedback I'm getting from another person is a natural process for me, it doesn't require being tuned in to anything.

I actually totally get you here I can see how the word intuition is used in both these ways.

And maybe I actually do respond to the feedback more than I think, but in these times where I feel like I miss it I also wonder if it happens more often than I realize.

Originally Posted by Criseyde

It's possible that since you have a gift for this, you never really developed the lower, more common levels of intuition. At least, that would be my guess. So unless you're actively tuned in, you're not really getting the way you come across to others.

This is a really interesting way of looking at it. I would like to reflect on this some more, thanks.

Originally Posted by Criseyde

I think the number one rule in dealing with (relative) strangers (especially on a forum) is KISS: keep it short and simple. If someone wants to know more, they will encourage you to keep going. In person/if you know someone a little better, you really can just ask them how much of your opinion they want. You're also allowed to "check in" ("am I making sense?" "are you still with me?" "is this okay?" "what do you think?" or even "how are you feeling about this?" and "do you want me to keep going?").

I think these are all great guidelines. In the situation that prompted this thread, the length of the communication was shorter than my average posts here, and it was more my word choice that led to the issue. Perhaps my belief in being able to choose the right word is at play here, since I used to be a writer. But whether I can express myself well is pretty irrelevant if the person receiving the communication feels differently.

I am also wondering if these situations cause me to focus on the few exceptions rather than the general experience of matching my intentions better. You know, similar to how getting rejected by a desired person may lead us to focus on all we do wrong in dating when we were quite possibly handling ourselves better than we think we were.

Originally Posted by Criseyde

The number two rule is that there will always be someone somewhere who will project things onto you that you never meant. If someone accuses you of something, ask yourself "is it true?" and see what happens. If it IS true, back off and take steps to correct it. If it's not true, you have two options: 1. try to convince them it's not true (not recommended unless they're your nearest and dearest ) or 2. walk away.

Yeah, this happens. I've been on both sides of it before. Thank you for the reminder, though I don't think it applies to the issue I had in mind here, it certainly can apply as a general rule of thumb.

Originally Posted by Criseyde

Does this make sense?

And FWIW, I usually enjoy your posts.

It does, and thank you!

[rei]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Is that really what you wanted to say, though? Just going off my own experience, I know that whenever I arbitrarily say something like "I know I'm in the wrong state of mind, but I just need you to deal with me while I adjust," I feel all wrong inside. It feels like I'm asking somebody to support my emotional dysfunction. It feels way out of alignment with myself, and appropriately I never get the feeling that I'm getting what I want when I ask that question. Also, once I ask that question I commit myself more to the state of mind that I'm trying to get out of, and my intuition and ability to interact with people goes out the window.

Perhaps that's the problem you're having, is that you're asking for something that's out of alignment with yourself, and that's why you're not getting what you're asking for. I'm not saying it's wrong to ask for a more supportive environment, but if you're like me then the question is doing you harm, and trying to compensate for it with a concrete intellectual method won't address the underlying self-evasion.

That's the feeling I get, based on my experience, is that you feel like you deserve the thing you're asking for, but you really don't want it. Kind of like "why do I have to be so different, that I can't have the normal dysfunctional things that everybody else gets? Why can't somebody come along that can't be affected by my bad mood?" But you can't expect people to be unaffected by your bad mood when you yourself aren't unaffected. Perhaps a few people are lucky enough to have such acquaintances, but most of us have to live up to the best in ourselves without such inspirational company.

Then again, maybe I'm just projecting my own experiences where they don't belong.

That was shorthand. I was communicating various thoughts, words, behaviors over several weeks and that was the underlying message of them. (Along with things like, "this coursework is way too easy" and "I am not really okay with deferring to your authority until I've seen a bit of merit about it.")

I am actually quite sensitive to big changes, even having family over for a week eventually led to me being snarky which is not how I usually am. It was a side effect of my sensory system getting rubbed raw by all the extra noise. So yes, I actually do much better when my environment is supportive, and I feel totally fine wanting that. And since I am fairly sensitive to minor shifts, big shifts are harder for me to adjust to. I would not say this is out of alignment with myself since my general intention is to also create a sense of support for others. It's just applying that for myself.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by rei

I am actually quite sensitive to big changes, even having family over for a week eventually led to me being snarky which is not how I usually am. It was a side effect of my sensory system getting rubbed raw by all the extra noise. So yes, I actually do much better when my environment is supportive, and I feel totally fine wanting that. And since I am fairly sensitive to minor shifts, big shifts are harder for me to adjust to. I would not say this is out of alignment with myself since my general intention is to also create a sense of support for others. It's just applying that for myself.

I know what you're talking about. My relatives can drive me up the wall and have me being snappy and sarcastic if I spend too much time with them, lovely though they are. The difference is that I don't see this as a good thing that should be maintained and worked around throughout my life.

I don't want my life to be bent around avoiding people or situations that make me irritable. I recognize this as a dysfunction in myself, not in my environment. I'm not being made irritable, I'm becoming irritable, by my own will and my own power. It is not an inescapable aspect of my personality, but rather something that can erased and lived without.

I'm not aware that it could possibly be different for you, not when our reactions are so similar. It is not your environment or your sensitivity that is making you snarky. It is you that is making yourself snarky, and it is of little benefit to you to develop avoidance behaviors to account for your snark when it would be better to simply live without it.

Perhaps it would still be true that your sensitivity would make noisy family situations unpleasant, but that unpleasantness would be much less unpleasant if it weren't followed by a lot of snarking. Your physical reaction could be unavoidable, but your emotional reaction is not.

Edit: I wasn't satisfied with the way I wrote my response, so I rewrote it in an effort to be less confrontational, lest we cross swords again and accomplish nothing.

My relatives drive me up the wall too, sometimes. But you're not controlled by your relatives, or by your sensitivity for that matter. Your snarkiness is your own to start and to stop, irrespective of your environment or its goings-ons. You don't have to become less sensitive, but you do have to take some responsibility for your snarkiness rather than warp your environment around avoiding it.

Your physical reaction to the noise of your family (and the noise itself) may be outside your control, but the emotional reaction you have is not. Emotions are not passive sensations like vision or touch. They are active manifestations, created by you. When your hand is in a fire, feeling heat is inevitable. When you are exposed to your family, being snarky is not.

[Angela]

I think one helpful thing to remember is that the feedback doesn't mean anything who you are, any more than when the sonic waves that bounce of the cave walls mean anything about the bat.

It's only a message that helps you determine which direction you want to go. Just fully consider the message, practice being flexible, and then take your next right action. If you find yourself somewhere you don't prefer to be, practice being flexible, and try something else.

[rei]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I know what you're talking about. My relatives can drive me up the wall and have me being snappy and sarcastic if I spend too much time with them, lovely though they are. The difference is that I don't see this as a good thing that should be maintained and worked around throughout my life.

I don't want my life to be bent around avoiding people or situations that make me irritable. I recognize this as a dysfunction in myself, not in my environment. I'm not being made irritable, I'm becoming irritable, by my own will and my own power. It is not an inescapable aspect of my personality, but rather something that can erased and lived without.

I'm not aware that it could possibly be different for you, not when our reactions are so similar. It is not your environment or your sensitivity that is making you snarky. It is you that is making yourself snarky, and it is of little benefit to you to develop avoidance behaviors to account for your snark when it would be better to simply live without it.

Perhaps it would still be true that your sensitivity would make noisy family situations unpleasant, but that unpleasantness would be much less unpleasant if it weren't followed by a lot of snarking. Your physical reaction could be unavoidable, but your emotional reaction is not.

Edit: I wasn't satisfied with the way I wrote my response, so I rewrote it in an effort to be less confrontational, lest we cross swords again and accomplish nothing.

My relatives drive me up the wall too, sometimes. But you're not controlled by your relatives, or by your sensitivity for that matter. Your snarkiness is your own to start and to stop, irrespective of your environment or its goings-ons. You don't have to become less sensitive, but you do have to take some responsibility for your snarkiness rather than warp your environment around avoiding it.

Your physical reaction to the noise of your family (and the noise itself) may be outside your control, but the emotional reaction you have is not. Emotions are not passive sensations like vision or touch. They are active manifestations, created by you. When your hand is in a fire, feeling heat is inevitable. When you are exposed to your family, being snarky is not.

Yeah, I get all this in theory and usually in practice it works that way. I don't expect to be a machine, though. And some of this is spiritual stuff at play. I don't blame the family for causing this, it was a side effect of the environment's effect on my sensitivity. I know I'm responsible for how I respond to that, I handled it the best I could. My reactionary-ness was also quite mild. In this case, it was not simply a human creating a reaction. It was my spiritual body responding to the environment - and not getting an immediate adjustment to support its message - which spilled down into the emotional body. (Of course, I'm ultimately responsible for all of that. But it is more difficult to maintain these theories when your system has gone into overwhelm. I imagine a woman getting raped does not say to herself, in that exact moment, that she is responsible for the experience. Obviously, this is more intense and exaggerated than my own experience but it is still a sense of resource-overwhelm involved. And no, I am not trying to be provocative with that example, it's just the first one I thought of.)

If I will need to be inoculated against this dynamic by exposure, then it will happen over time. I don't see it as something important enough to address right now. I have other priorities that take precedence. And tools to best support any efforts to address this will probably be built and shaped specifically for the highly sensitive person. If I can come across tools that mix that foundation with this at-cause stuff, so much better. But I'm less confident of working with something that does not start from the framework of being highly sensitive, as there's additional things going on in that case. (Even as I am still responsible for all the layers of self that interface with my reality experience, and I acknowledge that, it seems more appropriate to select a tool that is already designed to address the issue with any additional sides to it.) If you don't have the direct, firsthand experience of it, it's understandable if you see this as an excuse.

Oh, and the situation with the family visiting is not really what I started this thread about. A bit off track here. When family was visiting, I did communicate effectively and in alignment with my intentions. The couple times I got slightly snarky, I fully intended to express myself that way.

Originally Posted by Angela

I think one helpful thing to remember is that the feedback doesn't mean anything who you are, any more than when the sonic waves that bounce of the cave walls mean anything about the bat.

It's only a message that helps you determine which direction you want to go. Just fully consider the message, practice being flexible, and then take your next right action. If you find yourself somewhere you don't prefer to be, practice being flexible, and try something else.

Very helpful reminder, thank you Angela

[Angelique]

How about asking the person to reflect what you just told them and see if it matches what you said?

I'll often ask people (especially family members), "Am I making sense? Do you see what I'm saying? I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself the way I'm wanting to, can you tell me what you got from that?"
I try to stay away from insinuating that they just don't understand me. That just leads to frustration on both parts. I'll take responsibility for the miscommunication first, that way they can see that I'm not attacking them.
(I'm not implying that you do this, just explaining my whole process.)

Then, I'll keep trying different methods of communicating the same message until I get clear with them. Especially, if they're starting to give up on trying to understand me.

A lot of times, I'll try to 'enter their world'. I kind of detach from myself and think okay I live in Bobville or Susanville now, how do these people talk? Are there any analogies I can use to make this clear? Are there any hobbies/sports I can relate this picture to? How does this person think and how would I react to my message if I were this person?

The best clue is how they express themselves. What sense words are they saying? Are they feeling, seeing, understanding, hearing you? Be a translator. How would you translate to someone in a totally different country with a totally different language? Sometimes we're speaking the same language but still need some translating.

If they completely miss my point I move on and try something else. I see a lot of people trying to repeat themselves over and over the same way to no avail. Going back to the different languages analogy, that's like repeating yourself to a foreigner who isn't getting you.

Good luck!