Self-acceptance

[AllActionAndy]

Hey, I've been into self-help for a while now and I've came across an issue that I need help with. A while ago I started working on my self-image because I realized I didn't fully accept myself (I had low-self esteem). I've realized that in order to accept myself, I need to act in a way that corresponds with my belief system (e.g. If I think good people are honest, then I need to be honest. If I lie I will feel like a "bad" person because it is against my belief system of what is right and wrong)

My problem is I have REALLY high standards for myself. It's mainly in social situations. I've got these beliefs in my head of how a "cool" person is supposed to act and if I don't act like that then I feel like a loser.

Examples of my standards:

Starting conversations with people ALL the time.
Having strong rapport with everyone I talk to.
Flirting/being attractive to every girl.
And lots more....


All these things look good on paper but the problem is that if I DON'T meet these standards I feel like a total loser. Even if I have a great day of socializing, if I mess up once then I feel start feeling down. I'm not sure what methods there are for changing this. I'd really appreciate any advice.

Thanks
Andy

[Wit and Itch]

There is YOU, your EGO, and AllActionAndy.
AllActionAndy is person you what to be because you believe that this is what is expected from you by your surroundings.
EGO is who you see yourself to be. Not good enough, because you will never be AllActionAndy.
YOU is who you really are. You have to get to know your real self, accept it love it and make it the best it can be. Once you know and accept your real self, you will be confidant, successful and popular.

[Logicseeker]

Actually "Flirting/being attractive to every girl." doesn't even look good on paper.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by Logicseeker

Actually "Flirting/being attractive to every girl." doesn't even look good on paper.

Oh yeh, I saw that episode of Buffy once.

More seriously; it sounds like you're hung up on outcomes. Odds are, the outcome won't matter in 5 years. In 5 years (or 5 months) will you care that a particular girl wasn't interested?

Try to live the experience without labelling it. Stamping "Pass" or "Fail" on it only stresses you and prevents you appreciating the experience for what it really is - a complex, subjective multi-faceted experience.

So she's not interested in you? Huh. Is it something you did? If so, cool - you can refine your technique for next time. If not, cool - these things harren. Maybe it's just a bad time for her and she'll be more receptive later. Or not.

The problem is the way you see things. The solution is to see them differently. Easier said than done, of course.

A Tony Robbins trick I sometimes find useful is: when the "what a loser you are!" voices start, don't try to argue with them. Just make them so quiet that you can't hear them - just like you were turning down the volume on a stereo.

P.S. I suspect that truly cool people never consciously "act cool". They just experience life and that makes them cool.

[m0vingon]

Cool is a perception. No 2 people think the same things are cool. I don't get whether you're worried about what people think of you or what you think of yourself.

Your need to have everyone like you is a sign of insecurity and perfectionism. My thoughts are that those would be issues to look at. The flip side of that is simple reality. Not everyone is going to like you. Ever. Even if you think they do it's possible they don't. If everyone does like you, you're not being authentic, you're being who you think they'd like.

It sounds to me like you really could benefit from learning to just be who you are. Go out and don't force yourself play the "cool" guy. Instead of trying to have every girl like you, why not work on having one really great girl like you a lot and form a good bond with her?

If you can get through the night and the following day without feeling badly about being yourself, you're on the right path. Of course, that's just my opinion.

[mtrimpe]

Sounds to me like you need to listen to your own name.

Drop all the standards you have now and choose a single new one:

"Do everything I do with maximum effort."

Gandhi once said: 'Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment, full effort is full victory.' and that's so true.

Go inside whenever you feel doubt and ask your intuition for an intention.

Whatever it comes back with, do it with all the faculties available to you and you will be happy for life.

[AllActionAndy]

Thanks for the replies guys, I really appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Wit and Itch

There is YOU, your EGO, and AllActionAndy.
AllActionAndy is person you what to be because you believe that this is what is expected from you by your surroundings.
EGO is who you see yourself to be. Not good enough, because you will never be AllActionAndy.
YOU is who you really are. You have to get to know your real self, accept it love it and make it the best it can be. Once you know and accept your real self, you will be confidant, successful and popular.

Why can I NEVER be AllActionAndy? I feel like I've been him before, for brief periods (never more than a week). I don't feel like that is what is expected of me. I feel like if I could be AllActionAndy then my life would be full of a lot more fun and happiness. My Ego right now = LOSER! I don't even know who I REALLY am.

Are you saying that once I accept myself, I'll become AllActionAndy (confident, successful...etc).


The way I was thinking about it was that there was my perception of myself now (loser) and there was the person I wanted to be (AllActionAndy). The bigger the gap between the two, the lower my self-esteem. If I wanted to truly accept myself then I would need to close that gap until I become AllActionAndy.


m0vingon, It's not about what other people think. It's about my own self-esteem. In the past when I have felt great it didn't matter if people disliked me etc.

[Wit and Itch]

You should never be AllActionAndy because by your own description that is not a very nice person.
- You should not start a conversation with all people for the sake of your image. You should start a conversation with all people only if you care to here their response. Don’t ask a question if you are not ready to listen to the answer.
- When you talk to people you are not suppose to think of how they see you, but only how you see them, and without a judgment.
- Imagine I flirted with every man I meet, and you are one of these men. Wouldn’t you be offended?
Treat others the way you want to be treated, and you will like and respect yourself.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by AllActionAndy

Starting conversations with people ALL the time.
Having strong rapport with everyone I talk to.
Flirting/being attractive to every girl.

None of the above sounds particularly "cool" to me. If I had to offer you some counter-examples, I would say that "cool" is when:

(1) people flock to start a conversation with you (not the other way round);
(2) you build rapport with people, without even thinking about it
(3) [Gaaah. Your third example sounds so uncool I can't even think of a counter-example. How old are you, anyway.]

[lawgamer]

I'm just learning to be social but here's my take on this:

- Stop wanting anything from people (including any reaction!). Just be friendly with everyone because it's a better place to be.
- Don't be attached to an outcome. Something good happens - it's OK; something bad happens - it's OK.
- The only place you need to be is wherever you're at. When you master this concept, you'll have very high self-esteem .

[Shamou]

AllActionAndy!

Let us do a little introspection here… What is it that we all ultimately want…??? The answer to this is obviously, “To feel good.”

Now, when do we feel good…??? We feel good when our personal rules are being observed and fulfilled…

We all have “personal rules” (and they are personal and not universally accepted) for just about every subjects under the sun… about love, about self-confidence, about friendship, about health, about success etc…

Now, some of those personal rules are next to possible to achieve… so, by the same token, it makes it very difficult if not impossible to feel good…

So, what should be done with those hard to be respected personal rules…??? Change them so that they can be easily to be respected and fulfilled…

Like I have this personal rule for happiness… when I wake up, if I can see the ceiling… I’m happy… whatever else happens during the day is just so much more sugaring on the cake… which means that it’s very easy for me to be happy… and very hard not to be…

This might give you something to think about…

.

[Liara Covert]

I sense that many rules were put into place to cause us to think why they should or shouldn't exist. Self-questioning can also be a very useful skill.

[skinnyninja]

I know that, at least for me, there is a fine line and a needed balance between "accepting myself" and the "drive for personal change." I might be down on myself because of something I don't like about me, and people might encourage self-acceptance. This isn't always the answer. Sometimes I need to go with that feeling and let it be the driver of change. It is an opportunity for growth. In this way, self acceptance can sometimes be self defeating.

It is up to the individual to be honest enough with themselves to know when they need to try and change, and when they have to accept that part of themselves.

[agnostic]

The solution is pretty simple: Change your standards. You create your feelings by how you think. If you create standards nobody can meet (like getting the approval of every girl for example), you'll screw up by the very game rules you have set up yourself, as Shamou put it.
The thing is that success or failure are just evaluations based on invented standards and rules. You can use this to your advantage or to your disadvantage. Always remember that what you think is good and bad is just that: Your own thought. You create it, you can change it. Don't believe that it's something external. It isn't. Morality and evaluation happen within people's brains, for each person differently according to what that person thinks. It's 100% under your own control. But even though accepting this control can be frightening, it can be one of the most liberating things you can encounter.