A Paranoid People-Pleaser: My Story

[PeoplePleaser]

It has taken me 33 years to finally understand some of the reasons behind my anxiety and depression, and finding this forum... what a relief.
I am a people-pleaser and an over-analyzer which has sent me rocketing into depression, anxiety and low self-esteem for many years.
The problem is, I don't know how to stop myself. My mother is a people-pleaser to the point that it is sickening. She has been known to buy flowers for the rude shop assistant, chocolates for the neighbour who called her names for no reason... you get the idea. And as much as my own mom's behaviour makes me angry, I am slowly but surely becoming her and I can't stop it.

I've always had low self-esteem because I've been fat all my life, and every failure - be it school, work or social life, I have blamed on my weight, even if it truly had nothing to do with it. But my worst problem is my anger and temper. I snap at the slightest thing, often for no reason at all. I believe that my husband's entire family hates me (or at least dislikes me immensely) after a fight we all had a year ago. I've since made amends with most of them, but even so, I am paranoid that the whispering I hear them doing, along with other situations, are always directed at me or about me.
The fact that I live with both my parents-in-law, AND my sister-in-law and her husband/kids, does not make matters any easier.

I am unable to work due to lack of transport and the area we live being so remote - my husband works fulltime and so I'm stuck home "alone" (the in laws all stay downstairs while I stay in my room on the first floor) and I often have too much time on my hands where I'll sit here thinking, wondering and trying to second guess what my sister-in-law was whispering to my MIL about earlier that day.

I love my husband dearly, we've only been married just over 2 years and I came over to the US from Britain 3 years ago, never dreaming that I'd still be living with my in laws this far into our marriage. We have no choice though - we simply can't afford our own place, so every single day is spent living in one room of someone else's house and wondering what their latest gossip about me is. I'm unhappy. It's as simple as that. I spend my days either watching TV alone, or trying to make conversation with my MIL or SIL downstairs, constantly glancing sideways at them to see if I can read what they're thinking or detect anything that suggests they don't want me to be there.

When I'm out with hubby, someone bumps me with their shopping cart, I'm the one apologizing for being in the way. If someone is whispering, I assume they're whispering about me. If someone is angry, I think it's something to do with me. I take everything to heart - compliments are seen as disguised digs or taunts, sighs are assumed to be because the person is bored of my company... the list is endless.

The most frustrating part of it all is that no matter how I try to reason with myself, how often I reassure myself that it's all in my head, I know I don't truly believe myself. I have tried seeing a counselor about it (a psychiatric nurse) but everything she advised me were things I already knew, but just simply couldn't put into practice. It's not that I think I know better than the professionals... I'm just a know-it-all, I guess, who thinks she can predict everything that they're going to say (I've been right until now!) and figure I can do those things on my own without having to pay hundreds of dollars to have a shrink tell me that.

So, how the hell do you help someone like me? Someone who knows she has a major problem, knows the kind of thing that she needs to do to get better (positive thinking, self-confidence, blah blah blah) but simply can't find a way to do it?
I'm desperate, I really am. I feel like I've lost out on enjoying my 20's because of being stuck home with anxiety and depression, and now it seems that my 30s are going the same way. I would love to see a psychologist, but there's no way on earth I can afford the cost of one and I don't have health insurance.

Please... can ANYONE offer me some advice?
S.J

[Moxie]

Honestly, I think you quite simply need your own space. How can you be you, when you're on guard 24/7?

[PeoplePleaser]

Yeah, but that's kinda stating the obvious - I am DESPERATE for my own place, to start our family, but finances just won't allow it. This is another part of my problem. My family are in Britain, and hubby and I have exactly $100 per week spare which we save religiously just so that I can visit my parents once a year. Yes, we could use that money to get a place of our own, but do YOU know anywhere that costs so little? It's impossible. And besides, that annual visit with my family is an escape for DH and I, and since my parents refuse to ever get on a plane, if I didn't visit them, I'd never see them again.

[Moxie]

Ish, you're right. I did stay in a crappy studio apartment in downtown Detroit for $275 a month, but they didn't provide me with heat through December-January, and the roaches were a little too friendly. And renting a room wouldn't really give you space either. Just thinking out loud, please forgive me.

[PeoplePleaser]

No, it's OK.. everyone else says the same thing: "Get your own place!"
If only it were that simple. I've even considered low-income housing, but we still wouldn't be able to afford the rent and bills AND make the UK trip once a year. You know, whenever I think about my family, I get so angry. I miss them dreadfully, but I feel as though they're putting so much pressure on me to make that trip every year. My mother still thinks I'm planning on moving "home" soon - she constantly asks when we're coming back.
They love me dearly and worry about me all the time, but I guess their love isn't quite enough to warrent putting their fears aside and making the trip to visit ME for once.
Or maybe my mom's right... I made the decision to move here, so why should THEY be the ones having to fork out thousands for a trip here. I guess they see it as my "responsibility" to visit them. Or am I just being a people-pleaser?
Sigh.

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by PeoplePleaser

No, it's OK.. everyone else says the same thing: "Get your own place!"
If only it were that simple. I've even considered low-income housing, but we still wouldn't be able to afford the rent and bills AND make the UK trip once a year. You know, whenever I think about my family, I get so angry. I miss them dreadfully, but I feel as though they're putting so much pressure on me to make that trip every year. My mother still thinks I'm planning on moving "home" soon - she constantly asks when we're coming back.
They love me dearly and worry about me all the time, but I guess their love isn't quite enough to warrent putting their fears aside and making the trip to visit ME for once.
Or maybe my mom's right... I made the decision to move here, so why should THEY be the ones having to fork out thousands for a trip here. I guess they see it as my "responsibility" to visit them. Or am I just being a people-pleaser?
Sigh.

Hi people pleaser, I do relate in part to you and I'm attempting to read between the lines. Obviously you have made this very complicated as is in your nature. All this thought and energy you are putting out 'about' others is draining the life out of you. You have no control over what others think or how others feel but you do have control over your own. I think you are allowing your mind to control you and when you turn this around, everything can change. You can already see how brilliant your mind is. Just imagine it working for you instead of against you. It isn't easy but worth it. Warmest wishes to you.

[Pacific Orca]

Is there any way you could get a job near where your hubby works so that you could share a ride?

If you felt you had some meaningful work, and contacts/friends outside the home you may be able to take a step forward...

It's hard that your parents won't visit you, but like you said that stems from their own fears and is not your fault.

Best wishes..

[Phil Watson]

Originally Posted by PeoplePleaser

When I'm out with hubby, someone bumps me with their shopping cart, I'm the one apologizing for being in the way. If someone is whispering, I assume they're whispering about me. If someone is angry, I think it's something to do with me. I take everything to heart - compliments are seen as disguised digs or taunts, sighs are assumed to be because the person is bored of my company... the list is endless.

The most frustrating part of it all is that no matter how I try to reason with myself, how often I reassure myself that it's all in my head, I know I don't truly believe myself.

I totally get that. I never thought of myself as a people-pleaser, but what you describe isn't to different from what my reality was not too long ago. My mother is quite the people pleaser as well, and as much as I tried to resist, i picked up some of those tendencies. You actually learn the negative thought patterns at a young age, and repeated bad experiences act to reinforce those patterns, which is why it gets worse over the years. The whole reason I got into personal development was out of fear that my 20's would be full of the same anxiety, depression, and emptiness that my teenage years had been.

I would focus on finding some way to overcome your need for people's approval. In other words, stop caring what other people think. I know, FAR easier said than done, right? I'll share what works for me. Go out and do something that someone disapproves of. Intentionally do things that piss people off (nothing harmful or inappropriate of course). Most people have some silly thing that irritates them, that shouldn't. Find that button and poke it. Better to do this with people you can avoid, and who can avoid you, so if you go overboard you won't have to suffer for your mistakes. This works because, when you intentionally do something to irritate someone, there's no doubt that they are disapproving of you, so you won't be left to wonder, and you'll quickly discover that your life won't fall apart if you make someone mad. Another idea is to imagine that those people really are talking about you all the time, and that they really are saying all the things your mind makes up. What if they are? They could be. What kind of person would do that? A sodding wanker perhaps? People talk derisively about someone because they feel insecure, and some of those people feel smaller inside than you do. I've known quite a few people that really do talk trash about people all the time. Underneath that cocky, obnoxious exterior they're quite pathetic. Other people's opinions of you only have what value you give them. Your happiness is worth more than their opinions.

You might like this article as well.
The One Ingredient Necessary for Accepting Yourself | Raptitude.com
The guy who writes that blog struggled with social anxiety as well, and he has a lot of good articles about overcoming it.

You don't need a psychologist to overcome your problems. It has been my experience that people have much greater success working through things on their own; you have to learn a lot, and exercise some courage, but it's free and it's better than paying some dude with a fancy piece of paper 300 dollars an hour to stroke his moustache and scribble on a notepad. Lots of people here can relate to your experience, so you need never feel alone or unsupported.

By the way, when you read people's responses, do you hear it in a british accent or an american one?

[Shray]

Originally Posted by Phil Watson

... Go out and do something that someone disapproves of. Intentionally do things that piss people off (nothing harmful or inappropriate of course). Most people have some silly thing that irritates them, that shouldn't. Find that button and poke it. Better to do this with people you can avoid, and who can avoid you, so if you go overboard you won't have to suffer for your mistakes. This works because, when you intentionally do something to irritate someone, there's no doubt that they are disapproving of you, so you won't be left to wonder, and you'll quickly discover that your life won't fall apart if you make someone mad. Another idea is to imagine that those people really are talking about you all the time, and that they really are saying all the things your mind makes up. What if they are? They could be. What kind of person would do that? A sodding wanker perhaps? People talk derisively about someone because they feel insecure, and some of those people feel smaller inside than you do. I've known quite a few people that really do talk trash about people all the time. Underneath that cocky, obnoxious exterior they're quite pathetic. Other people's opinions of you only have what value you give them. Your happiness is worth more than their opinions.

Like your suggestions Phil! I can see them working. The first being like immersion therapy. Talk loudly on the phone in the train/bus. Don't use your manners in public. Pretty soon you'll see people becoming irrate but it won't mean anything!
The second is a good one too. I have this moment when it just "clicks" for me. So what if they feel that way about me? It's like one of those pictures where snap, you see the other image. The glass becomes half-full rather than half-empty when you get that moment and you say to yourself "so what?"

My life is full of annoying pseudo-friends who like to push my buttons. I'm sure the claws come out behind my back as well. But I've moved on, have a great circle of friends from the course I'm studying and work, so don't really need them anymore.

Which brings me to another thing- is there any way at all you could find work, like someone else mentioned near to where your husband works? Even if it isn't in your field, doing something productive will help so much. Work provides a social circle, an outlet, and hey let's not forget the monetary benefits. I'd really encourage you to start a job hunt, you never know what opportunities lie around the corner from you.

[votoshka]

Hmm I understand you feel trapped and feel like you can't get out of your in laws' house, but where there's a will there usually IS a way. I don't know exactly where you live or how much rent you'd be spending on a place. Nor do I know how much your husband makes or how many debts or whatever you have to pay off.

However, is there a way you could get a job and contribute to your family's income? Perhaps you could try working from home or doing something freelance? Even just a part time job would get you OUT of the house and help you earn some additional income.

And okay, even if you can't afford your OWN place, could you rent a room somewhere else? There are other families renting out rooms or parts of their own homes to young people and couples, and probably wouldn't charge too much rent. Sure it's not your own space, but it's away from your in laws!

As for the rest of it, I do understand how you feel, because I'm also a bit of a people pleaser (which I hate about myself). I also hate the idea of people talking or bitching about me behind my back. It really upsets me!

However, I have also realised that it doesn't matter WHAT people say about me. It really doesn't. Last year I moved to the country with my husband to work in his parents Roadhouse. BAD MOVE. I hated it. His parents were ALWAYS talking to him about me, what I was doing wrong etc. etc. etc. In the end I left and moved back home (my husband is still staying with his parents...). He accuses me of running away. Whatever. To me I was saving my sanity! I didn't quit my job and move away to be treated like an imbecile. Now, I KNOW that my in laws talk about me behind my back, but I'm learning to let it go. If they don't like me SO WHAT?

The problem is in YOUR response to it. Really, some people won't like you. That's a reality. It's something everyone has to deal with. It doesn't affect you unless you let it affect you. I know it's much harder while you're living with them, because it's right in your face. At least now I'm away from my in laws and what they say about me 130km away can't really touch me all that much now

One thing I HAVE learned is that no matter how nice I am to other people, no matter how I try and please people and do the right thing, people will STILL dislike me, and they'll STILL say things about me behind my back. So why not just be true to myself and stop being so bloody nice? I do still struggle with this, but I am getting better! I can now say "No thanks!" to telemarketers without breaking into a sweat (I never used to answer the phone unless I knew the number of the caller in case it was a telemarketer and I ended up buying something I didn't want or need, or ended up donating money I don't have etc. etc. because I couldn't say NO). I'm not perfect, but I'm getting better.

[butterflyeffect]

I know you, your just like me!!!!
I'm a people pleaser, I get really anxious and I have a weight issues. I am overweight and it causes me enormous distress and I blame everything on my weight given the chance.

Anyway I have made significant steps to improve my life and despite these challenges. I'm not perfect but i am soo much better than I was.

So how did I do it?

I have been practising meditation. Lying down or sitting up and breathing deeply, focusing on breathing and regulating my breath so that it is steady. Then calming down my heart rate.

I do not get into the weight issues with myself it just prolongs the problem. Thats really tricky but I just say it is difficult but I have to move forward. I just keep assuring myself that I'm ok and then focus on breathing deeply, I do it twice daily for about twenty minutes. It took time to build up to that though.

Its really tricky. Thats what helped me but it took a while, haven't found a quick fix yet... But try the meditation.

[PeoplePleaser]

Hello, everyone!
Firstly, I would like to apologise for not responding to your replies - the truth is, I thought I'd subscribed to the thread, and when I didn't get any notification emails, I figured no one had replied! Stumbled across the site again today (having a bad day) and voila... replies! Yay!

You have all written some very good points and made some very valid arguments/opinions on my situation. I hope I won't bore you with long post, but I just want to reveal a little more about me, so here goes....I'll start with why I feel on edge today.

One year ago, things were on an even-keel with my in laws and me. DH and I lived here with just his elderly parents, and although his mother did my head in (constantly wanting my company), it was bearable. But then something went tits-up. My oldest SIL's husband told me some stuff that pretty much punched me in the guts. He told me that SIL talks about me badly behind my back, that her whole family (mother, 2 sisters, nieces, etc) all say I'm lazy, don't pay my way, don't help out enough, blah blah, even though during that very same week, I'd cleaned MIL's house top to bottom.
After telling me this, seeing me cry over it, he then made a subtle pass at me. His exact words were, "I wish I'd met you before I met *****" (wife's name).

I was stunned and embarrassed, and at the time, just laughed it off, but later on, I confided in DH, and he hit the roof. Things went even more downhill when we discovered that the same SIL and BIL were giving up their own home to move in here (supposedly to care for my MIL/FIL) and upon discovering this, my DH made the fatal error of telling his mother what his sister's husband had said to me.
The **** hit the fan.
To cut a long, long story short, tempers flared, SIL confronted me, told me that I was a "family-wrecker" and that she and her entire family hated me and wanted me out of their lives.
And then they moved in with us.
It was sheer hell for over 6 months - even though my MIL continued to speak to me like nothing had happened, I was constantly on eggshells around SIL and often walked in to find her talking about me to her mother or on the phone to some distant relative (DH's family like to spread their muck about as far a field as they can). It was almost unbearable.

Then, in September last year, after returning from a trip to the UK, DH and I were confronted by my FIL. "Someone" had "discovered" a bag of marijuana in our "living room" while we were gone.
Well, it took no amount of time to guess that SIL had actually planted the weed in our room, after she'd been through every personal drawer and cupboard we own. She had also broken into our bedroom and gone through our personal marital items, photos, legal paperwork, the lot.
SIL stayed quiet throughout the whole accusational conversation, only passing comment about it on her Facebook page, claiming that "someone I love and have always trusted is now the biggest liar and is threatening not only my family but my freedom aswell". She was referring to her brother, my husband.

That incident floored me. I sobbed for days, I wanted to pack up and go home to England forever, but a small part of me felt defiant - it was obvious that SIL only moved in here because she has her heart set on her parents house when they die, and she would stop at NOTHING to get DH and I out.
But in October, after the birth of SIL's first grandchild, I wrote her a letter apologizing for the hateful things I'd written about her and her family in my Myspace blog (I'd done it the night her husband made a pass at me, and I'd written about how they're all squalor-living pigs with more issues than anyone I knew.. etc) and that I would like it if we could try and rebuild our relationship. In a nutshell, she read the letter, called me over to her and gave me a hug, where I whispered, "I'm sorry" and she just said, "Me too".
And the whole incident was NEVER talked about again.

So... that is what I am living with. I do not trust my SIL, I do not even particularly like her because of how she spends her day bitching about other family members and backstabbing people with her mother. The pair of them are like two old witches (SIL is 51, her mother is 77) and while all of this is going on, I'm sitting in mine and DH's "lounge" room upstairs, wondering if their latest attack is aimed at me.

I cannot get past the part where SIL told me that everyone wanted me gone. She even threatened (on 2 occasions) to contact Immigration and try and get me deported. Yes, we have good days where we'll joke around and laugh, but then on days like today, where she's lying on the couch downstairs with her mother, ignoring anything anyone says to her, not smiling, not looking at me when I speak to her.... it's tearing me up wondering if her latest mood is somehow to do with me.
All of what happened last year has set a permanent rock in my stomach, a feeling of insecurity and dread that never goes away.

We're due to fly to the UK for Xmas this year and will be away for 2 months, and already, I am sick to my stomach thinking about it, wondering if something else will be done behind our backs to damage relationships even further, or worse still, get us kicked out of my parents-in-laws' home.
I feel on edge, worried, persocuted, over-sensitive, and I don't know what to do to stop feeling this way.
I don't even know for sure what it is I'm afraid of... it's not like SIL is going to kill me in my sleep, so WHAT is it I'm on edge over?

I'm so sorry that this post was long, but I just needed to enlighten you all as to my reason for being so sensitive and for always trying to "please" people. It doesn't matter how much someone hurts me or is rude to me, all I yearn for is their approval - even their friendship, and when I can't get it, I'm left feeling nervy, unliked and socially inept. The worst thing is, most of the time, I don't even LIKE the people who's acceptance of me I crave!

Why the hell am I like this?
Oh and PS... Phil Watson, LOL... Funny you should ask that, but I read the replies in a British accent for some reason! I've lived in the States for almost 3 yrs now, and have no hint of an accent at all!

[SireneB]

It really sounds like you and your husband need to put every effort into doing what it takes to be able to move out of that situation. Once you have some distance from it, you will be able to develop some perspective on it and be in a better position to begin to reclaim and work on yourself.

[Moxie]

This situation sounds karmic to me. You can't move away from it, so it'll need to be solved so it doesn't come back to you at some future time. I also think you're in the middle of this diagram. How did you get here, and how can you free yourself? All best to you dear.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...e_of_Abuse.png

[Andrew Brunelle]

I would do everything I could to get out of that house. You deserve better and until you believe you deserve a better place to live, things will not change for you. Why do you feel you need to please others all the time? There is no possible way you could ever do that. The most important person you need to please right now is yourself. Stop playing the victim as well. Your situation is not going to change unless you take action now. Playing the victim just perpetuates the abuse you are going through now. Drop the victim mentatlity and start consciously and courageously moving away from the bad situation you are in.

[ar81]

I am not paranoid... hey, why are you staring at me???
I am not paranoid... just extremely alert!!

[justagirl24]

"Is there any way you could get a job near where your hubby works so that you could share a ride?

If you felt you had some meaningful work, and contacts/friends outside the home you may be able to take a step forward..."


But is she so paranoid she wouldn't be able to make friends? This could add to her troubles. Obviously her "home life" is a a contributor, but she said she had issues with this before. I think a visit with a psyc is in need, afforable or not. I really don't see another solution to her problem.

[spydermann]

"When I'm out with hubby, someone bumps me with their shopping cart, I'm the one apologizing for being in the way. If someone is whispering, I assume they're whispering about me. If someone is angry, I think it's something to do with me. I take everything to heart - compliments are seen as disguised digs or taunts, sighs are assumed to be because the person is bored of my company... the list is endless."

~Well said! I think you speak a strong voice for all nervous people pleasers struggling to express.

Definately agree that getting the hail out of that hostile environment would be SO healthy for you. Maybe it's an excellent opportunity for you and your hub to experience the resourceful life and find a real small, cheap place somewhere...

As far as the nervous and sad people pleasing struggle goes, I agree with butterfly on the deep slow breathing, it works wonders. and reading self help books has been the best for me to peace of mind, helping to step back and recognize the big picture. Like someone said earlier:
"People talk derisively about someone because they feel insecure, and some of those people feel smaller inside than you do. I've known quite a few people that really do talk trash about people all the time. Underneath that cocky, obnoxious exterior they're quite pathetic..."
Understanding insights like that are genious! Especially the fact that they are "sodding wankers"...that's just icing on the cake.

But in all reality, unless you're able to take this whole living situation positively and optimistically as a life test or trial helping you to grow stronger...I would get out asap cause it sounds like rising water...

People pleasing is quite strange, I agree it's learned as a kid. With my family we grew up communicating in those overly emphasized nice and superficial tones of speech one might use with pets, babies or superficial neighbors…I think it's quite debilitating to healthy relationships dancing in a constant masquerade for fear of displeasing…

I'm getting ready to read a book i just got called : "The Disease to Please" and it looks like it's got some great stuff in it, helping to understand where the tendencies originate (this helps me) and how to avoid fueling the fire…

p.s. would your mom have occasional angry outbursts from all that pent up anger?? chocolates for the neighbor!?