I destroyed my dream b/c of my emotions!!!!!

[Eddy Arroyo]

i had it all. all i had ever wanted and will always want. I had my privacy, i had my job, my own home, my solitude, and i did whatever i wanted whenever i wanted. I loved that place. Even a mate (im gay) who i used to pleasure as he pleasured me without any emotional attachment, just for the feeling, the lust. I was my true self at that place. Then why, when i was asked if i wanted to stay, did i say i wanted to leave? why did i chose to be with my family whom i thought i despised? is it because i knew they needed me? or is it because i needed them? looking back, i had it better at that place, and everytime i go to sleep i wish i was back, but alas im back where my emotions rage ,within me, to be myself, but cant because of my family. How long can i keep up the act? how long will i have to be this optimstic,heterosexual, fun, loving, outgoing and caring identity i have created? when can i break the chains that keep holding me back? 2 years seems a long time to wait so that i can leave my home (im 16). I dont think i can take it anymore. i need someone to enlighten me. please! i beg you.

[Alan1986]

Live your life for yourself, otherwise you will get tired some day. Go to wherever you feel love. You always, ALWAYS have free will.

[Eddy Arroyo]

Originally Posted by Alan1986

Live your life for yourself, otherwise you will get tired some day. Go to wherever you feel love. You always, ALWAYS have free will.

but how can i do that when whenever i wanna do something thats life-changing my family always pops into my head?

[shasah]

How long can i keep up the act? how long will i have to be this optimstic,heterosexual, fun, loving, outgoing and caring identity i have created?

Eddy, you seem like you are optimistic, fun, loving, and caring. Not sure about the outgoing?? And you stated you're not heterosexual. So what is the act? Just the hetero? or more?

[Eddy Arroyo]

i guess the homo part goes deep but i also like isolation, not because of some event in my life like most people but because i like being alone almost all of the time. its comfortable for me.

[Eddy Arroyo]

Originally Posted by shasah

Eddy, you seem like you are optimistic, fun, loving, and caring.

i dont know anymore. ive had so many identities that i cant even remember which one is the real me. sometimes i care sometimes i dont, sometimes i love sometimes i hate. its like im a mixture of opposite people that keep popping up randomly.

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by Eddy Arroyo

i i need someone to enlighten me. please! i beg you.

What is keeping you from experiencing your desires? It sounds like you know what you want...why aren't you going for it?

[ZHereford]

Hi Eddy! Maybe you went back to your family because you wanted them to get to know the real you. Also, life couldn't have been as wonderful as you thought at the other place, or you wouldn't have left. At 16 years old, you are not really mature enough to know exactly what you want. You have too much learning and exploring to do before you get to that point.

Also, wanting to be isolated all the time can mean that you don't want to face certain issues. Are you trying to run away from something? Are you actually uncomfortable with who you are? These are questions worth contemplating in order to figure out what's going on in your head and only you can answer them. I'm sure you must know by now that life isn't just fun and games, but a mixed bag of everything.

[Eric L]

I know what is going on here.

I used to do this myself,

You want acceptance from your family. Have you communicated this to them? Make them understand that the way you are living your life is important to you and it is important to you for them to accept you the way you are.

Two things might happen:

They will accept you. Then you can be happy.

They will not accept you. Then you can put yourself in an environment that makes you happy by being with others like you.

Be mindful, though, you are 16. Emotions can seem like chaos to you at this age. Make the decision when you are in a positive state of thought. (ie. a good mood). Don't act on this little mission on a bad state of thought. (ie. being upset or angry.). I know it is hard, kind of like telling your first love that you love her, but- when you do it, there is a realease. And it IS BIG.

The fact that you isolate yourself is because you don't accept yourself, you are still insecure. Insecurity is not negative, it is an environment you have put yourself in unknowingly. It happens to many. Now, all you got to do is communicate yourself feelings and be open. Don't keep anything inside. Pour it all out to your family. Make it known that it is important to you and show it in your tone of voice and body language when you are conveying it to them. Be honest. Be strong. Lack of action regarding this will keep you from being happy. Take the initiative and fix the issue with yourself by choosing to act on the situation rather than to wait on others to act for you.

It's all in your hands.

Keep us updated and good luck.

[rei]

hi Eddy,

it sounds like you feel a pull to live for others and not for yourself. that might explain the comfort of isolation, though it's true you could be a natural introvert, it sounds like the introversion might be complicated by this living-for-others.

how about you try dropping one false expression at a time. first, obviously, get clear on who you really are... write it down. then write down the ways you express yourself that don't line up with that. you may want to save the orientation for later, work up to it. since it's a pretty core part of your identity, i understand the drive to protect it from judgment.

so, my idea, is to write down who you really are and who you appear to be. doesn't matter if that will change as you continue to mature, it's just about who you really are at this point. and as you compare the lists, pick one thing you do that isn't in line with your true self, and start expressing your true self instead. keep it up in spite of any feedback that suggests someone wants you to pretend again. continue doing this for the other ways you aren't being true to yourself and see what happens.

sounds like baby steps will help create lasting change here, which is why i'm suggesting that you switch to one true-self expression at a time. also think you will get something out of sitting down to figure out exactly who you feel yourself to be at the core, aside from what everyone around you expects.

there is also a chance you went home because you didn't want to develop a sense of attachment with that partner. i think pretty much all of us can do some unusual things because of our feelings about intimacy - myself included!

[Eddy Arroyo]

thank you everyone for their posts i figured it out.