Seeking Truthful Advice regarding "emotional blackmail," etc.

[Seeking Truthful Advice]

Hi…I would very much appreciate others’ takes on this situation.

Over the past 4 and a half years, I’ve been involved with a man whom I orginally thought was just having the blues on occasion. Over time it got worse. He could be conscious and so caring one moment and then within minutes turn into the ultimate poor me/victim type. Yes, now I feel like a total idiot now that I see this, he smoked dope (the real potent stuff) nearly every night, is obese, calls on his friends to give him “pain killer” pills, downs anti-depressants, and then, of course, slams down hard liquor with beer chasers (and many at that) whenever he has a gig.

I fell in love with the “good” in him - he can be very charming, tried to be supportive, and really cared for him deeply even though at least half the time was spent, for me, trying to heal from the effects of his “blues” times. Yet, I still considered him my best friend and looked forward to spending time with him and his calls.

Out of the blue (pardon the pun), he stopped calling me after Thanksgiving weekend (which he told me he really enjoyed). I fell apart after four weeks of not hearing a peep from him and finally received an email six weeks later telling me that he is miserable, he is in a constant state of guilt because he can’t say “no” to me, and says I’m controlling. He went on to say that he can no longer be in a “relationship” with me, but wants to be friends (what the heck does that mean, esp. since he’s been unable to be “physical” for eons). My intuition told me that he didn’t write that letter, which was confirmed. Instead, he involved some of his “family” members who’s ideas and statements were included in the letter.

I went and got some expert help (probably the sanest thing I’ve done in a long time). I learned so much and was described to have suffered “severe emotional abuse” in this relationship. The doctors couldn’t understand why I still loved this man so much and helped me figure out that I was dealing either with a person with a personality disorder (boderline or at least disfunctional) OR someone with clinical depression.

Long story short, I assumed the clinical depression footprint and that his use of drugs and his reactions were a means for dealing with the pain of clinical depression. When I described the results to him (in writing), he and his family responded with the statements that him using drugs all had to do with his brother’s death (but that can’t be because his brother passed away, expectedly, two years ago) and my “friend” has been using for years and that continual every day use of pot is not problematic. He and his family also say that my “intervention” letter was irresponsible, that I’m controlling, that my putting the issues in writing as well as telling him what I’ve had to go through is a form of “emotional blackmail.”

The psych/AA/NA folks that I asked for advice simply respond with the statement that my friend is in denial, as is his family, and that they probably feel a lot of guilt because they should have done some type of intervention years ago, esp. since his sister is a counselor, and are angry that I “called the kettle black.”

I tried to explain the situation to his family members, but that was only received with abusive reactions (telling others untrue and very disturbing things about me to try to ruin my reputation), referring to me as a stalker because I called several times to get in touch with my friend (I admit was having a very difficult time those two days and just wanted to chat - nevertheless, ideally, I shouldn’t have called so many times) and dishing out a constant stream of lies during my last visit. I’m still shaking over this entire situation. Most of all, I’ve never been told that I was “controlling” nor “an emotional blackmailer.”

My long time friends tell me that he’s emotionally bankrupt and comes from a world of addiction and this is how such a person responds. I simply can’t tell - are he and his family the blackmailers or am I? I was just trying to help, provide an intervention of sorts, so my friend would have factual information to discuss with a therapist (or so I hope he does, but that’s his call whether or not to deal with in a proactive way). I haven’t been able to sleep for days now.

I don’t know how to take all that has happened…Any suggestions - please, just be truthful. I’m so tired of weeding out his lies and the who said what to whom scenarios and truly need others to just be frank with me. Thanks!

[carenkh]

A couple of things come to mind... 1 - You may benefit by attending Codependents Anonymous meetings. Co-dependents Anonymous 2 - The book, He's Just Not That Into You, opened my eyes and ripped me out of my own denial about how someone had been treating me. I, too, made excuses -- "I can see his inner beauty, He's getting his doctorate and is just SO busy, He was adopted so has these issues (that I can help him with!)" Etc., etc. The healthiest thing I did was walk away and not look back.

I'm no longer in "friendships" where I allow myself to be mistreated AT ALL. There are too many supportive, like-minded people out there. I can love the person, let them be where they are - but I don't have to spend time with 'em.

I used to get confused, and think that if I cared for someone, I should stick with them, so they could experience unconditional love and heal. I can love them, and make healthy boundaries... sometimes, that means not seeing them or talking to them.

It sounds like your decision to do an intervention and provide information was a loving act. Can you do that, know you did what you could, and let go?

[Holistic Star]

I'm very sorry that you feel bad. You KNOW that this relationship is toxic for you, but emotionally you are finding it very hard to walk away. I've been there too so feel for you.

You know is isn't much of a catch, yet you are putting all your energy into saving him. Read your post back, how much did you write about his issues, his pain, analysing his drug taking, his lies, his family etc? May I suggest that you are using his problems as a distraction from your own. If you put half as much energy into sorting yourself out as you do trying to sort him out then I think you will make great progress.

Stay with the therapy as it is helping - get inside your own head and find out what is causing you to feel the need to save someone like this. What's driving your need? What can you do to stand on your own two feet?

Have a think about why you have reacted so strongly to being called 'controlling' and an 'emotional manipulator'. I'm asking this as an open question. Is there any truth in those statements? If there is, then maybe that's something to explore in therapy. If there isn't - shrug them off, it means he is the emotional manipulator and is attacking you. Only you know the answer to that question. I found this site useful in giving me a humerous view of how some people play the manipulation game. However don't spend to much time reading it, thinking - 'ah, that's his problem, if I only just ..xyz... he will be sorted.' No, read it, and think 'Ah that's what happened to me, if I ..xyz.. next time I meet someone who pulls my strings like that I will know how to respond.'

I have to say I found EFT invaluable in getting over my relationship, I can send you some information if you would like. I also found being single for 2 years the best medicine, as it enabled me to find out who I was without a bloke influencing my personality. It is a journey, but with determination you will get there.

[AdamantineLady]

What you have been experiencing is from being open to one whose plans are to recreate you. The first order of business of such a one (I was once married to one as well) is to take you off balance and keep you that way. That is the only place where you fear, are potentially open to suggestion. As this attempt of recreation stems forth from a place of fear, love distorts and turns into a means of attack instead of esteeming expression. This is his attempt to heal that place where he feels unloved and rejected. One can not heal themselves from the same place where they are ill.
What to do about it? The first is to bring yourself to balance. Recognise from within what it is that restores you to wholeness. What you have been experiencing has been a pulling of you from your center, from your balance. Return there, even if you have to let go of the illusion of the one you love. You can not help him from the position of being subjected to his fearful illusions and how he is attempting to deal with them. Once you return to your center, expect to find the necessary answers for this difficulty from within, for they are already there and will make themselves known to you when you are ready. And those answers will be complete, so I have nothing further to add.
Peace to you, my friend

[Seeking Truthful Advice]

Thank you for your email responses; your insights have already helped me immensely and saved me a lot of unnecessary pain. (Don't need any more of that in my life!).

Here's my day #1 of recovery:

1. Read your emails - thank you!
2. Went to mass and decided to give up my former addict/emotional abuser up for Lent! That'll give me at least 40 days before I decide to interface with him - if ever - again.
3. Prayed for God's help and thanked Him for yours.
4. Purchased the "He's Not In To You" Book AND READ IT THROUGH AND THROUGH! WOW - what an eye opener! It was right on...!
5. Hot tub and massage because my body has been carrying so much stress through all this. The massage therapist knew exactly what was going on and provided me with some wonderful spiritual tools and insights...
6. To my first Co-Dependent Anonymous Meeting. Can tell already, it's exactly what I've needed for a long time, but I was too stubborn to realize it.
7. I'll be journaling tonight for sure!


Tomorrow morning, first thing, off to see a therapist... and then need to focus on my work for the day and also getting an appointment for a medical exam (never had high blood pressure before - now I've got it...so, need to get that in check)...

If people are interested, I'll post something every day so we can see how/if all this works!

Thank you so much for your support. I was desperate and really down and now I have a sence of hope and healing because of your emails..

Peace.

[Seeking Truthful Advice]

It's 3:15 a.m. on day 2; woke up and can't sleep. What is going on with me? There's a strong part of me that wants to call, just to hear his voice and for him to tell me that we'll work it out and he's so sorry about this whole situation. I need a something to respond to this urge to "find a way to make up".

[Lychee]

We are creatures of habit. When we get into the habit of having something in our lives, the absence of that particular habit (of a person or thing in our lives) is very noticable to us. He's been in your life for such a long time and you've developed a strong attachment to him that because he is not in your life, you feel that you must have him to be "normal" or your self again. You want to find a way to make up, not only to have a relationship with him but to find a way back to yourself when things were easier and life made a little bit more sense to you.

One part of you knows that he is not good for you, but the other part is so dependent on him that you cannot let go. You recognize that he lies, leads an unhealthy lifestyle, and is an overall detrimental to your emotional health. Try to understand what these words mean. When we are in love with someone or when we care for someone deeply, we tend to focus on their positive aspects and not their negative ones, even if they are staring at us right in the face. The fact is that his negative attributes are slowly leading him to destruction in some sense (as you said, he is depressed, drinks, etc.) - any affiliation with him now would therefore be destructive to you because you have not learned to detach yourself from him.

Remember that you had a life without him. Yes, you did have a relationship with him for almost 5 years, but what about the rest? You are your own person. God put you here for a reason, not so that you could forget who you are and be depressed.

The advice that our trusted friends tell us must be listened to because they are seeing the situation with objectivity. Force yourself to listen to them. They know you. There might be a desperate voice within (that "strong part" of you) saying that you need him but this voice of desperation is not who you really are. It is a response of this distressing situation. You simply miss him because you miss a part of yourself since he is integrated in you.

If he wanted to call, wouldn't he have called? If he was sorry about the situation, wouldn't he have said so? You may say that he is going through a lot of stuff right now, trying to figure himself out, but it is clear that you probably aren't on his list of important things right now.

To resist the urge to find a way to make up, stop thinking about this situation and leave it in the hands of God. There's nothing you can do now, is there? Stewing over woulda, coulda, shoulda's or "what if's" is not going to lead to any solution. Remain strong and occupy your mind with something like a project or hobby.

[bellbird]

Dear STA,
It seems you have been so brave in looking at yourself and deciding to take care of yourself. Stick with it It's important to see you are facing the beginning of a new period in your life without your ex partner who obviously has a zillion issues you don't want to be carrying. Nobody changes unless they want to change themselves. In that regards your ex friend/partner is a 'lost' cause... Let him be. Did you by the way read Steve's post on the bears and eagles? Very inspiring. I think he's right on the money about some bears not wanting to be dragged from hibernation. It seems that you are well on your way to learning to fly and I do urge you to stay on track! Be proud of yourself but stay trrue to YOUR self which needs to let go of old habits and fears and some people. Remind yourself of your new goals:

1. Read your emails - thank you!
2. Went to mass and decided to give up my former addict/emotional abuser up for Lent! That'll give me at least 40 days before I decide to interface with him - if ever - again.
3. Prayed for God's help and thanked Him for yours.
4. Purchased the "He's Not In To You" Book AND READ IT THROUGH AND THROUGH! WOW - what an eye opener! It was right on...!
5. Hot tub and massage because my body has been carrying so much stress through all this. The massage therapist knew exactly what was going on and provided me with some wonderful spiritual tools and insights...
6. To my first Co-Dependent Anonymous Meeting. Can tell already, it's exactly what I've needed for a long time, but I was too stubborn to realize it.
7. I'll be journaling tonight for sure!

And most of all: you are meeting new people every day who would like to know how you get on and wish you all the best! Riding a bicycle in the beginning is tricky, you might fall on your face or get grazed by pavement but hey sooner or later you won't be needing those two small weels attached on either side... it's a matter of practising and getting support to cheer you on . Go for it.

[bellbird]

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...r-or-an-eagle/

bear or eagle? you choose...

[Seeking Truthful Advice]

Well, I broke down and called him to talk, but it still didn't really help. I wish I were stronger; I'm so smart in other ways, but I guess I'm rather a relationship idiot. He says that he wants to be friends and that maybe in a couple of months we'll go do something, but we'll have to see how that goes. He tells me that the reason I'm taking this so hard is because of deep seated issues with my biological family (actually, I don't have much of one - I'm not in touch with them - there was lots of abuse). Then, to make matters worse, my late husband took his life. So, I'm just a ball of crazyness. He tells me too that although he admires me for all that I've done in life, I'm a controller. It would be so much easier if one person was just perfect in a relationship and the other a slug - so much easier to make the other person "wrong." I'm truly about ready to give up - and on myself. I can't take much more of being so alone in life - it's not that I don't love myself, I do. It's just in loving myself, I realize that we all have a breaking point, and I'm at mine....

[madgeylou]

hey STA -- i just wanted to say, having gone through a breakup not too long ago, you will get through this.

the one insight that came to me when i was despondent and just wanting to hear his voice/kiss him/feel his arms around me one last time was "there is nothing for you there."

seriously, what good will talking to him do? obviously, he is telling himself a different story about this situation than what you perceive to be reality. he does not have the answers you need -- talking to him is not going to get you anywhere good.

the only thing that will make you feel better is sheer number of hours logged away from him. start logging them now. and be gentle with yourself. watch the entire series of "sex & the city" and eat chocolate. you'll get through it, i promise (says the girl who just did all this, and did get through it, just barely).

[bellbird]

Dear STA, you have a valuable life. Don't forget that inspirational loving light at the end of the drama, the nice people in your life, this forum (hurraah ) you feel it's looking bleak for you at the moment, but things will change, they always do. Time heals heaps and you choose where you want to go. It's that simple.

It would be so much easier if one person was just perfect in a relationship and the other a slug - so much easier to make the other person "wrong." I'm truly about ready to give up - and on myself. I can't take much more of being so alone in life - it's not that I don't love myself, I do.

You are not alone, you haven't been. You feel you are and yes that is sad. But you don't need a partner to be happy in life btw. And that's no mindless yabber. I'm not saying it's always easy, but heaps of people can and so can you. You have found the forum, you are building on your own strenght. You don't need a man in you life who is dragging you down. Bottomline. Don't go there. Just the other day you said:

Tomorrow morning, first thing, off to see a therapist... and then need to focus on my work for the day and also getting an appointment for a medical exam (never had high blood pressure before - now I've got it...so, need to get that in check)...
If people are interested, I'll post something every day so we can see how/if all this works!
Thank you so much for your support. I was desperate and really down and now I have a sence of hope and healing because of your emails..

So keep at it please. They way to go is forward. We support you at the forum (if I can speak for the others that is).

A lady who taught me self defence years ago said one day when a girl broke down and sobbed about something being too hard for her 'don't cry, use your anger'. She meant it for the girl to focus and to take herself out of the victim mentality. To find her strenght in the found anger to get her going forward.

Don't let your ex partners get you down. Choose to 'live, live, live!' There's neat people for you to meet out there and for you to discover things about yourself you didn't know you had. Like power. because you have that.
And keep us posted...

[Seeking Truthful Advice]

I've got to tell you that your emails are such a huge help. As each hour goes by, I realize that I've truly been in a "hell state." It's horrible to be there and your comments are "moving me" upward the ladder to health. What I have to watch is make sure that all this does not turn me sour on life and healthy relationships and love. What I was really hung up on was which, if any, of his affections and statements "that he loved me" were true or just matters of convenience and niceties. When I tell someone, and show someone, that I love them, I do love them. Even if I'm not in love with them romantically, I protect them and try to operate in their best interest. Apparently this guy will hug and kiss you, tell you that he loves you, and then in the background tell others quite the opposite.

I felt like such an idiot because I didn't see the signs. Then again, looking at his circumstance and how he's truly "stuck" in the old victim role, and has been for years, shows that the quality of his expression of love just isn't there. Also, his "love" is so intertwined with the older sister (who is a counselor but says that it's okay that he smokes dope every night) and the fouled mouth 24 year old "to be adopted" niece that lives next door, that, I think, he has misplaced his own voice (and heart).

Goes to show how important it is to be with someone that has the ability to truly love someone else, for the long-term, and without the "teenage" games. The idea that you're with someone for a few years, then onto another, and another, seems to me that it's like going to grade school again and again and one never quite graduates to the real life of love.....the type of love that you can grow old with - and want to!

Also, a person that ends a 4.5 yr relationship by an email that is sent nearly two months after he has inflicted an unsuspected silent treatment is lower than low. No wonder I've been on an emotional wreck. Emotional abuse is no doubt as serious as physical abuse.....

[JHL]

I felt like such an idiot because I didn't see the signs.

Don't feel badly about this. Unfortunately when you open your heart to someone, it entails the risk that they will abuse your openess and feelings towards them. You're doing the best you can. This has obviously been a very emotional and painful time for you and you're allowed to feel all things you're feeling.

Hindsight is a wonderful facility, and often we want to kick ourselves for not doing things differently. But the truth is - you did the best you could, and thats good enough. Today you have new insight and new growth that you didnt have yesterday. Today you will try to do things differently, and thats all you can ask of yourself.

You're beginning to see that you deserve better than what you got in this last relationship. Its painful, to be sure, to lose this person even though he was far from ideal. There is still loss, there is still an emptiness in you that is causing you to hurt. But slowly over time you will begin to fill this emptiness with your own love for yourself. You will do this by realising you deserve better, and by respecting yourself for moving on from this guy and knowing that you will demand more from your next relationship.

One thing I would strongly suggest is that you cut off all contact with him - this would be the best action of self-love you could take right now. It will be very hard to do initially, but if you remain in contact with him it will only prolong your pain and mixed feelings and delay your healing. Instead, surround yourself with friends who will nurture you, who will listen to you. Express your pain in writing and crying is also very cathartic. Also, write here as often as you need to. Even though you feel very alone right now, remember that you are loved

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by madgeylou

watch the entire series of "sex & the city" and eat chocolate. you'll get through it, i promise (says the girl who just did all this, and did get through it, just barely).

LOLOL - Why, that's exactly how I got through the rough times of *my* horrendous break-up. Here's an excerpt from "The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love" by Jill Conner Browne, that includes the directions for Chocolate Stuff - which should be classified as a drug :

Here's the deal: Beat two eggs with a cup of sugar and 1/2 cup of flour. Add 1/4 teaspoon of salt. In the microwave melt together one stick of real butter (I never use unsalted; I think it tastes flat) and 2 fairly heaping tablespoons of Hershey's cocoa. Get regular Hershey's in the dark brown box - anything else is different and will screw it up. Dump the butter-cocoa mixture into the other things, and stir it up good. Then add a running-over teaspoon of vanilla. I use real vanilla, but the grocery store kind won't ruin it. Stir that up, too. If you decide to go for nuts, use a whole bunch of pecans, chopped up fine.

Pour the Stuff into a greased loaf pan, set the loaf pan in a pan of water, and stick the whole business in the oven set at about 300 degrees. Depending on how your oven cooks, it needs to stay in there for 40 to 50 minutes. You can reach in there and tap on the top of it at 40 minutes. If it seems crunchy, I'd take it out. You can't really undercook it, since it's good raw, but you don't want to overcook it and lose the gooey bottom so crucial to the whole texture experience.

Trust me. This will be the best thing that has happened to you in a very long time, possibly ever. From now on, for as long as you live, just the simple act of getting out the bowl to make Chocolate Stuff will have an incredibly assuaging effect on your psyche. I can say, without fear of contradiction, there is virtually nothing, not one situation, that can't be faced with calm and grace and serenity if you have Chocolate Stuff.

Ahh... how true.

[bellbird]

I love that Chocolate Stuff quote, brilliant! Thanks.

Dear STA, I'm so happy to read you are facing the reality of how your ex partner behaved and that you don't want to be part of a negative relionship. It's definitely time to move on. And I agree with

Goes to show how important it is to be with someone that has the ability to truly love someone else, for the long-term, and without the "teenage" games.

Exactly.
So.... what would you like to do for fun for yourself (besides making heaps of chocolate stuff.... ) ? Take care and thanks for keeping us posted.
PS: I think JHL has good avice

One thing I would strongly suggest is that you cut off all contact with him - this would be the best action of self-love you could take right now.

[carenkh]

Christine Kane has a blog entry today that, as soon as I read it, I knew I needed to forward to this discussion!

You Teach People How to Treat You

Hope you enjoy! She has LOTS of great articles on her blog -

Gassho~

[Simmiah]

Hi!

I hope I am not repeating anything that someone else has already written...so here goes. Firstly, I wish you the very best with this situation. It is trying & I have been there!

I agree with much of what others wrote. Codependency Books were very helpful for me.

I have been abused physically & emotionally by family members & others... so I think I can help.

Reading the books were enlightening but what was very helpful for me was to confront what it was about me deep down that allowed such a situation to exist & continue existing even after it was firmly established that the person was not to be trusted & did not have anybody's well-being at heart.

I found out lots about myself deep down that surprised me. So instead of focusing on him which it seems you have (I do that too) I take a step back & ask myself "what do I need to do here for the highest good?" & heck..it took me a while to get a clear answer but I did after a while.

Oh yeah! It took me quieting down to (because you mention you are not sure who to trust/what to listen to...you sound awfully confused) by getting away from the people who surrounded the situation (especially those who were contributing to the abuse by making excuses for the abuser & also even getting away from people who were trying to give me advice) ... well it took me quieting down to get my bearings on the situation & listen to my internal guidance to get to a choice I could make.

Personally I will add that most abusers have family members/friends who ardently will defend them. They will support their abuse fully & claim you are the one who is making them abuse you. It completely takes away from a rule in the universe that we are all responsible for ourselves & our behaviors towards others. These people have no concept of that behavior & if you note they also kind of are hypocritical with that concept..ie you are responsible for their anger but they are not responsible for your sadness or anxiety due to their anger. ;p Silly hmm?

I can only help in what little way I can here but I do wish you the best with this difficult situation.