Help w/ Feelings of Being Ignored

[jacmac1]

"Three separate bins of rice are kept. Each day in the house, the entire family including the kids on the way in and out the door to school participate in this "experiment." To the first bin, loving words are recited such as "I love you." To the second, nothing is said. And to the third, mean words are said, such as "You ugly fool" or any of their own favorite insults. Over time, the three bins showed markedly different stages of decay.

Which do rice bin do you think rotted right away? " From "The Hidden Messages of Water".

The totally ignored bin suffered much worse than the one that was hurled insults.

I believe that when someone is ignoring you it's often used as a control mechanism to get the upper hand in a conversation or to keep the other person at bay because they have touched a nerve.

Ignoring someone who is not out to hurt you is cruel and insensitive. I have written about this before but I keep coming back to it because in many ways this is one of the biggest wounds my parents inflicted on me as child and so now when it is done when I am an adult, it hurts very, very much.

I have to keep reminding myself that what the other person is choosing to do says much more about the person than anything else. The fact that I have to keep reminding myself is what let's me know that this is a big issue for me.

THe fact that I'm even posting here is very telling. Right before Christmas I was doing really well. I didn't have any issues to post about. But here I am and it is because a person I was getting to know kept asking me to post on a forum for survivors of abuse. I had been feeling I had outgrown that forum and really didn't feel compelled to post there because I noticed many there who were stuck. I was looking at my own role in the realtionships I have had through out my life and I didn't want to try and figure out what was wrong with the other person any more.

This person kept asking me to post on the forum. When I tried to explore the concept of creating your reality and Law of Attraction, responded very strongly by blocking me from PMing her and ignoring my emails. So all of a sudden I was upset and had a reason to go back to the forum!!! She eventually apologized for her blocking my emails and asked to try again. I mentioned L of A, as I said, and creating our own realities and BLAM, she did it again!!!!


Steve Pavlina says in his article "Dealing With Difficult People" you should treat someone like that as such:

Confront the person about his/her behavior directly. Raise your standards for what you’re willing to accept in your life, and enforce them. This strategy is my personal favorite, but some people aren’t comfortable with it. The advantage of this approach is that you stop playing games, and you find out exactly where you stand with the other person. This is what I’d use if I had a difficult boss or coworker — I’d just lay everything out on the table with that person, explain why certain things were no longer tolerable for me, and detail what I wanted to see happen. Now the other person may decline your “demands,” but then at least you know where you stand and can decide based on that. Paint a line, and if the other person crosses it, you now know the abuse is willful.

But when a person does something hurtful to you and then tries to ignore both their behavior and you it seems to rob you of that chance. In my opinion, it is willful, because the other person doesn't want to be confronted. As Steven says, "some people aren't comfortable with it". I think then you have to go through the painful process of working things out on your own, going to the gym, speaking to trusted friends, writing it down.

I am upset at myself because I would think I would not be bothered by the "being ignored" control tactic, but I still feel it emotionally as a slight, dismissive, insulting, dehumanizing, rude, controlling, mean-spirited.

In the case of the person I'm speaking of, it wasn't enough for her to ignore me, she also had to get other's to do it to as well, by maligning my motives and my character in behind my back conversations where she told half truths about what really went on, and that is also a huge trigger because my family was famous for doing this.

If I wanted to confide in someone about the abuse I was sufferied as a child, they had already gotten to that person and told them about something awful I had done or what a liar I was, so my reception was already colored by their half-truths and my image distorted. Before I had even opened my mouth.

The point is I want to let this go and not have it upset me as much as it does, but I know that writing out how I feel will help me get past these negative emotions.

Any thoughts??

[Love]

Being ignored is tough, and to me, seems rather back-handed. I too recently got ignored by someone. What I'm trying to do is not comply: I'm forcing myself to be my nicest and to focus on the giving polarity and not care what she thinks about me. It's tough, but you can't lose your own identity as a good person in hard times.
I hope this helps. Good luck!

[eastcoastgirl]

I also have issues with being ignored. My mother, who was very controlling, would often ignore me and others to get her way. I agree that ignoring someone is a control mechanism. Although my mother was often purposely mean to people, I believe that some people who use this tactic are not doing it to be cruel. I believe that they are simply insensitive and unaware of their own behavior. I can’t speak to your situation, but I have learned that many people react without thinking.

For example, I dated a guy who wanted to control his environment and everyone around him. This behavior was so ingrained that he didn’t even think about it. At the time, I was convinced that he was doing it on purpose because he knew it would hurt me, but in retrospect, I realize that he wasn’t aware. He wasn’t saying to himself, “I want to hurt her, so I will ignore her.” He doesn’t live consciously. When I would point out his behavior, the concept of living consciously was foreign to him and a waste of time. His behavior hurt me because I wanted so much for him to love me. We are still friends, but now that I am no longer dating him and no longer want him to love me, I don’t care if he lives consciously or not. If he says something that I consider insulting, I just give it back to him and I laugh about it. It no longer affects me. I appreciate him for the positive things he has to offer and I “ignore” the negative things.

Some things that have helped me:

• Forgiving myself and learning to love myself unconditionally. Others can’t hurt me so much if I love myself. The things others say or do hurt me because deep down inside I believe they are right. If I know deep down that I am a worthwhile human being, even if I do mess up from time to time, what others say about me is less meaningful.
  
• Realizing that the hurtful things people say or do also reflects how they feel about themselves. They don’t love themselves unconditionally. They live in a fear-based world. When I keep that in mind, I feel more sorry for them than angry and then I can begin to love them unconditionally.
  
• Saying affirmations every day, sometimes several times a day if I need to.
  
• Laughing. I find just about everything funny, including myself.

I still have a long way to go, but I do feel better. I think that you are on the right track and that you, too, will feel better.

Good luck in your journey.

[shesaboutspirit]

[QUOTE=jacmac1;44353I am upset at myself because I would think I would not be bothered by the "being ignored" control tactic, but I still feel it emotionally as a slight, dismissive, insulting, dehumanizing, rude, controlling, mean-spirited.
Any thoughts??[/QUOTE]

I empathize with what you're going through with this lesson. It sucks...I'm also familiar with being parented in this way. It drove me crazy with anxiety as I would try to figure out what I did wrong. Of course children always think it's about them and their fault right. Instead of considering that the parent just has their own issues and craziness to deal with too.

You sound very aware however and in my opinion have a good chance of transcending this in your life. You are taking responsibility for your feelings which many people never do. As I was reading your post, I wondered if you are a male? And it probably makes no difference really, I just noticed that the words I put in quotes above seem like aggressive ones. So the feeling that occurred to me while reading them was one of wondering where the passive side to your emotions might be? Such as sadness, hurt, painful, empty etc. Harder to capture the feminine side in words, now that I'm attempting to.

I guess that maybe I'm wondering how you're doing with feeling your feminine side with all of this? The helplessness and sadness that can come from all of these feelings. Maybe there are just a few more aspects of you that still need to be experienced in relation to "being ignored" in order to heal them to a greater degree.

Sending love, attention and blessings your way. Maybe just a little extra love can help too.

Pam

[AdamantineLady]

Good morning,

I have read your post and I have a quote from something I had written awhile back. I had an entire manuscript of writings dealing with such things pour out of me while in an awakened state of consciousness. I hope that this speaks you you.

"The very first thing to establish within yourself when dealing with anything having to do with fear, pain, apparent addiction, or not so apparent compulsions is that at its cause is innocence true, for in dealing with issues unresolved comes an accumulated mass of guilt and its resulting pain that has come from leaving a lesson unlearned, a conflict on the inside unresolved. Without this innocence recognised and esteem of self established, the very reason for resolving any fear issues are left on shaky ground capable of crumbling at any time, for the very worth of the person doing the resolving had been compromised by this situation, all unknowingly enough, but has left a tainted identity that has taken over the true one, and the value of healing will only ever be met with its accomplishing if the one being healed is given that same value, and is helped to establish a recognition of this value about themselves. It is this one recognition that allows the 'Pandoras box' of memory to be opened and dealt with in an uncompromising light of grace, without which the leverage of pain will always hold too much sway. With all contents of memory that take on a 'Pandora' quality about it, in the light of unknowing innocence, a purposing of forgiveness needs to be let in to every situation, every one involved in a situation including one's self, every consequence, every result, every unspoken conclusion of tainted impression held for others, for one's self and the perception of what God is that is shaded by each and every situation one encounters in life. All needs to arrive at this forgiveness to be able to move past it, or correct it, or whatever it is you determine that you would desire to do if at all about it.
With this forgiveness comes a freedom, a freedom to choose what you want to develop in light of past tendancies, it the light of recognition of who you are right now, and it opens to you a future to you that does not any longer hold the sway of pain and fear to interefere. And you are there. And you can see yourself, and the hopes and dreams you hold dear no longer have the 'swan song' flavor they had held before...and you're ALIVE!!!"

I have been in a state of perpetual healing since this manuscript had come to me. I have called it The Sacred Mirrors of Healing - The Threshold of Heaven. I have had to deal with people who see me in really compromising light. As much as it hurts me, these people had been speaking about themselves and have been projecting it on to me so that they may experience relief for abit. It hasn't occured to them as yet that it can be totally let go of.
This person that looks to you for answers is far too afraid to look within themselves for that answer, and it is there. When that answer is worth far more than their confort zone, they will seek it and they will find it.
I have been dealing with much ignore-ance in my life as well, and how you have expressed yourself in this forum has brought to me clarity concerning this. Thank you.

[jacmac1]

Everything that has been said has been immensely helpful to me.

What's more, during meditation/prayer tonight, I aksed fervantly that I be released from this anger/anguish. I visualized a boat with the words "Being Ignored" on the sail and set it on water so that I could watch it float away, anticipating that I would feel better.

But the boat would not float away.

I then imagined myself taking flight away from the water, but then the boat attached itself to my back.

In confusion, I asked God/my Higher Self to tell me how to release this pain.

The most amazing thing happened.

I was told:

You are not supposed to release it. You are supposed to embrace it.

I asked: Why? What am I supposed to do with it?


I was told:

Use the pain to heal yourself, to give yourself the compassion, understanding and love that you seek.

With words that I didn't even know existed inside of me I said:

But I don't want to give it to myself, I want to get it from someone else.

I was told:

But they cannot give it to you. They cannot receive the gifts you give them and neither can they return it, so why not give it to yourself? You have so much love inside of you, look at how much compassion and understanding you have for others. Why spend so much time giving to other people what you need. You were given this special gift of an understanding, loving compassionate nature and the most important person you can give this gift to is yourself.


Amazingly I said:

But it is not worth anything if I get it from myself.

Even as I read this I cannot believe that I would harbor such a negative internal belief.

I was told:

On the contrary it is worth all the more, because you know that it is real and genuine; that it has been given with love and the best of intentions.

So then I spoke to my hurt, abandoned ignored self. It was no surprise to me that she looked to be a child of about two or three. I told her that I loved her more than anything in the world and that I understood how awful it felt for her to be ignored. I told her that she was a very sensitive, open spirit and that many people did not understand that and were afraid of it but that did not mean that anything was wrong with her.

I wrapped myself in layers of love and understanding and compassion and I felt very calm and much better.

So I am coming to internalize the understanding that the pain is a gift.

Pam, you are very intuitive. I am a "she" but I was very much and have been much of my life more familiar with the more aggressive emotions we humans have, the more masculine side of myself.

In my family, pain, sorrow, anguish, - anything emotional was a weakness and frowned upon. I learned to suppress those parts of myself and I am just learning how to reconnect with that part of myself.

What I am seeing more than ever is how these reooccurring episodes are trying to challenge me to reconnect with my more feminine feelings, to heal myself.

It is a painful journey admittedly, but I think a necessary one.

[jacmac1]

I have had to deal with people who see me in really compromising light. As much as it hurts me, these people had been speaking about themselves and have been projecting it on to me so that they may experience relief for abit. It hasn't occured to them as yet that it can be totally let go of.

Isn't life more than amazing! Adamantine Lady, in saying this here, at this time, you have reinforced something that was revealed to me many months ago, but has yet to find a resting place in my core so that I KNOW IT w/o a doubt.

There must be a very big lesson for me in encountering others who project themselves on to me and retaining knowledge of self, because this has been happening to me for a very long time, beginning with my Family of Origin up until now.

I would not be honest if I didn't admit how very painful it is. Still.

[shesaboutspirit]

I think your progress today is a beautiful reflection of you giving yourself that love. Then finding it coming from us...it has a pathway that you've created by loving yourself.

Thanks for sharing with us.

Pam

[jacmac1]

Isn't that true, Pam. I was really looking for validation, but it didn't come to me until I first gave it to myself. That is so awesome to see in action. Like I said, I feel really good about this progress and excited, even though it is very difficult emotionally. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do - which is where prayer really helps - and outside input.