Showing detached compassion

[eastcoastgirl]

How does one show compassion and generosity without trying to fix the other person? I tend to be drawn (or maybe they are drawn to me) to “broken” people. I want to love people unconditionally and to be compassionate, but there is a line between being a friend and being a caretaker. I have never known where that line is.

I guess the reason that I’m asking is that when I read the advice of self-help “experts” and listen to my own shrink, I get warnings that I shouldn’t be too open and generous or I will get hurt, that I have a “need” to fix people, and that I’m doing it to get the other person’s love (or maybe it's power I want—I don't know, I forget). That advice just doesn't cut it with me. I can't believe that living in fear of getting hurt is any way to live.

BTW, I’m not giving away all my money or anything, but I have gotten hurt a couple of times when I thought friendships were mutual but they weren’t. And not all of my friendships are this way.

What I really want is to be of service to people. I think I have a calling for that. I want to provide help—either with money, food, time, emotional support, or whatever—but not expect reciprocation and not enable them in destructive behavior. I’m able to do it for people I don’t know (for example, volunteering at a soup kitchen). I get into trouble when it’s for people I do know.

Any thoughts?

[Shaden]

How does one show compassion and generosity without trying to fix the other person?

They do just that.

Compassion does not necessarily entail a situation of serving another. Compassion is a combination of many positive factors - connection, empathy, sympathy etc. Where people go wrong though is becoming confused at the physical stage of this connection - how they express themselves. For some people, they feel compelled to make a positive contribution to the other persons life. But they then get confused. Years of conditioning has convinced them that the only way to help someone is to actively work on their flaws and try and pull them out of the situation they are on.

A needy person will not get better if you step in and actively support them. All your doing is providing them with the drug that perpetuates the problem. You need to step outside, no matter how ugly the withdrawal of that person is. You have to tell them, in no uncertain terms, that they are going to be the ones responsible for solving their situation. You can offer them your support but only when they're pulling in the same direction. If they're not - in other words you're being constructive and they're being destructive, nothing will happen. All you'll do is deepen the already embedded habit of needing others.

It might seem counter-intuitive to keep a straight back and tell someone with problems that they have to take responsibility for everything. It might feel like there is no compassion there. But ultimately this is the best thing you can do for self-destructive people.

[Wit and Itch]

Trying to fix other person implies that other person is wrong. This again implies that you are judging people. The only way that you can be compassionate is if you stop judging. You have to accept people for what they are, without them being right or wrong, and be there for them. The best help you ca give is to be there and listen. There are so few people that will listen.
You can help only to those that ask for help

[eastcoastgirl]

Yes, you are both correct. Don't judge, and I am not responsible for their problems. I've really been working on both with some success, believe it or not, but I easily fall back into it. It's so easy to fall back into the old ways.

Thank you.

[eastcoastgirl]

One more thing. For most of my adult life, I have operated under the tenet that your word is your bond. I have found, however, that many people do not operate under that tenet. If someone says they will be at your house at 7 p.m. and they decide not to show up at all and they decide not to let you know, that should be OK. I have a hard time with that sort of thing. If I say I am going to be there at 7 p.m., I am there at 7 p.m. or I call and say I won't be there at 7 p.m. For me, it is very simple. For me, it is inconsiderate to do otherwise. I have a hard time not judging in that situation.

[Michelle]

There might be some part of you which believes that you need fixing. Work on this it will automatically carry over to others.