I forgot who I am

[Jochem]

Hello people,

Sorry if it's kind of much. I hope some people are willing to take their time to read it (my native language isn't English, so I might have made some grammatical and spelling errors, feel free to correct me).
I doubt many people here know who I am. I appear to be Jochem, and I'm 18 years old. I have only made a few posts here. I've read a lot of things on this forum, though. I'll tell you about my problem, it might not be an unusual problem, but still, I feel it's almost worthy enough to post here.

A few days ago, I've had a presentation about myself during a class. Everybody had to tell about himself for 5 - 20 minutes. I've given this presentation a lot of thought... weeks and weeks before I had to actually give the presentation, unlike the other people in my class, who didn't give it a single thought at all (most people, not all). I'm not the most popular person in my class, it's kind of the opposite. People don't often talk to me. I think it's because they don't really know me, or they don't want to know me. This was probably my fault, even though I don't see why, since it has been like this since I started highschool.

I was kind of nervous when I was walking towards my spot in front of the class to present myself. When I started talking, I started messing up things. I talked very 'dry' (no emotions) about things that've hurt me in the past. I forgot some very pretty serious things that played a big part in my life, like music, writing, and stuff like that. Also, the things that I did tell (like how I'm busy with lucid dreaming, memory techniques, reading) ... well, I forgot the most important part of it... The essence. The reason why I do it. I forgot everything.

People started asking questions. What I do next to lucid dreaming. I didn't even remember what I did. So I answered with "reading", which I do a lot. The teacher asked whether I had friends. I was kind of annoyed by this question, since I have a few friends, and it's highly unlikely that someone has zero friends... even though it happens... which is something I hate, because a lot of good people seem to be lonely. I answered: "No. I don't have any friends. Nobody loves me." Everybody, including the teacher, was confused. She then asked whether I cared about this whole presentation. I told her: "No, I don't give a ************ about this." Which was the biggest lie in my life.

I knew, from the moment that I started telling about myself, that I would ************ it all up, even though I had put a lot of effort in it. The worst part of all is... now I can't remember who I am. When I was at home, I felt really bad for what I had done. I couldn't believe I really made such a mess, after all that thinking. The class, a girl I secretly love, the teacher and even myself... they have all seen me messing it up. I hated myself for it. One classmate, who is very bright, started chatting with me.

She said she was very disappointed in me, that it wasn't the real me. I felt even worse. After a while, she introduced me to some guy. I started talking to this guy. He asked me things about myself. I failed miserably at answering these questions. After a while, he just left the conversation with: "Have an useful life."

The thing is, I haven't literally forgotten who I am. I have forgotten a lot of things, though. The things that I do know, are very vague. I can recall memories just fine. I have a lot of trouble talking about my qualities. Why I am such a "good person" as some people say I am. I doubt that I really am the "good person" that some people view me as. I don't even really know what I like anymore. I don't even know who likes me. I can only recall some random things about myself, that aren't really relevant when I start thinking about myself. It's as if I betrayed myself, and a part of myself has (temporary) left me, as in: "I'm disappointed in you, good bye, Jochem... or whoever you are." I'm kind of depressed, because I feel so empty not knowing myself. I feel as if I've always been this... empty person, with no (special) qualities.

What do you think I should do? Am I over reacting? Thanks for reading.

- Jochem

[bellbird]

I appear to be Jochem, and I'm 18 years old.

Dear Jochem, it feels a bit wrenching reading your post. It's obvious you are hurt and confused by what happened.

I'm not the most popular person in my class, it's kind of the opposite. People don't often talk to me. I think it's because they don't really know me, or they don't want to know me. This was probably my fault, even though I don't see why, since it has been like this since I started highschool.

Do you always feel left out? The bright girl who talked to you, do you talk with her more often? Did you ever feel you could discuss your thoughts with her? She seems concerned about you. It's encouraging to know she sees your potential as she said she knows you can do 'better'. So people might pick more up about you then you realise, for the better that is.

I started messing up things. I talked very 'dry' (no emotions) about things that've hurt me in the past. I forgot some very pretty serious things that played a big part in my life, like music, writing, and stuff like that. Also, the things that I did tell (like how I'm busy with lucid dreaming, memory techniques, reading) ... well, I forgot the most important part of it... The essence. The reason why I do it. I forgot everything.

What is the reason why you do it (lucid dreaming etc)? Why are you kicking yourself so hard that you either had a 'blackout' or that it went differently then you would have liked? (I understand but still)

The teacher asked whether I had friends. I was kind of annoyed by this question, since I have a few friends, and it's highly unlikely that someone has zero friends... even though it happens... which is something I hate, because a lot of good people seem to be lonely.

It seems that question says something about your teacher. The fact that it touches you says something about yourself as well. Would you like more friends, or do you think you should ? Do you feel alone a lot?

The worst part of all is... now I can't remember who I am. When I was at home, I felt really bad for what I had done. I couldn't believe I really made such a mess, after all that thinking. The class, a girl I secretly love, the teacher and even myself... they have all seen me messing it up. I hated myself for it.

I can relate to that, no one is really keen to look like an "idiot", but hey on the other hand, is it really such a major? Will it be important in a weeks time? (Just trying to lighten the mood here)

I forgot some very pretty serious things that played a big part in my life, like music, writing, and stuff like that.

Obviously you really enjoy music and writing. Have you ever shared you writing with anyone else? What do you like to write about? How did you get into lucid dreaming, reading, memory techniques? Do you have anyone in your life you can relate to about these things?

I'm kind of depressed, because I feel so empty not knowing myself. I feel as if I've always been this... empty person, with no (special) qualities.

I have a lot of trouble talking about my qualities.

I don't mean to quote all your words Jochem, but these seemed the ones it's most about, what concerns you. I'm no psychologist and I'm not going to go there. What I picked up were words like:
I hate myself: what part or is it something you do, not about who you are?
I let myself down, I let others down: dissapointment, learning curves.
I don't know what my qualities are: write down what you like to do and what you are good at. It's a start to see what you have to offer to yourself and others.
I feel depressed: share your feelings with someone you like and trust, not 'some' guy.
I forgot what it was about: you will remember again...
And most importantly: you are growing and learning to accept that it's all alright.

You're in the process of self discovery. Don't beat yourself up.
It's the fighting yourself that causes the agony. I have been there when I was 17 and learning from a depression I didn't know I had. It lasted quite a few years but I have learned to handle things and love myself.
I've found much help myself in the book of "End the struggle and dance with life" by Susan Jeffers. It tells you about your lower self and higher self and recognizing when you're dragging yourself down. Maybe it will be of help to you. But I think that there's something interesting as well in a saying I just remembered: "The road is smooth, why are you throwing rocks in front of your path?" All the best Jochem and take care

[Margaret]

Hi Jochum. First of all many people forget what they mean to say when they are speaking in front of a number of people. It is also very difficult to sum up who one is in twenty minutes or so because we all have different aspects to our personalities. Now of course you are over thinking who you are and confusing yourself. Because if I think to myself "I am kind" I will recall a time when I wasnt "that kind". Then I start to become confused. You are still in the process of becoming you. Which is a wonderful thing. You will try this and that, but it will be a long time before you can say with certainty that this is who you are. I have found that as soon as I think I know who I am I change or I desire to change. As for friends, I would rather have a few really good friends as many acquaintances. Not everyone desires to have lots of people around all of the time. Personally I need lots of time for myself and always have. It is perfectly normal to remember everything you meant to say and didnt say, then give yourself a bad time about it. Just let it go.....after all it wasnt the Inaugral Speech and look at some of our politicians, although they speak in front of audiences all of the time, they make mistakes. Be kind to yourself, you stood up and attempted to tell your classmates about you. Obviously not one of them knew how to listen with empathy and the heart or they would have applauded your effort. This isnt one chance and your out. In th future you will have oportunities to tell about yourself and with each time it will become easier. Just like driving a car. There is a group called "Toastmasters" . It is a support group for people who wish to learn how to speak in front of groups. You might want to look one up. As for your spelling mine has gone down the drain as I have aged. Look for content, Im not out to get an A in grammer and spelling. Best to you!!!! In addition, your angry reaction was born of your frustration. Again, forgive yourself. Make it a learning experience.

[Klamachpin]

Here's the thing:

1) You're 18. There's a lot happening in your life, not the least of which is social pressure. I gather much of it is internal for you? No matter. Everyone around you wants to be normal, but also stand out from the crowd in some way. It's a very confusing time.

2) You have your own true values. You investigate lucid dreaming. You read. You're interested in improving yourself. I'm sure there is other interests and values you have that I didn't immediately pick up on in your post. Regardless of what others may try to tell you, stay true to your values; that is yourself.

3) Others may not value the same things you do. Having large numbers of friends, pop culture, and having a career-related interest are all things that your peers may value far higher than your personal endeavors. In fact they may not value what you do at all, prompting the idea that they have to persuade you to "live a useful life". Just because they don't value it doesn't mean it isn't useful -- you are simply more open to the idea than they are.

Have faith in yourself. You have value, identity, usefulness abound. Your peers may not recognize it yet, but they will with time.

[mtrimpe]

Hey Jochem, I think I know pretty well how you feel. I was almost the same as you in High School. Less so, but still quite a lot in University and right now still a littlebit, but not that much anymore. I've actually become a pretty cool person now.

What turned it around for me was the following:
Enjoy!

Your life sucks because you don't enjoy it.

Let me put it this way, I've learnt to do the following things:
1. When I mess up a telephone call, interview, speach or whatever, I laugh my ass of.
2. When I talk about something weird, like lucid dreaming and people go 'you're weird!', I laugh my ass off.
3. When I talk to a girl (actually guys for me) and she tells me I'm an *********************, I laugh my ass off.
4. When I try to dance really cool and I notice I'm dancing like an idiot, I laugh my ass off.
4. When someone talks to me and I feel really uncomfortable about it, I laugh my ass off.
5. When somebody tells me I smell from my armpits, I laugh my ass off.

I think you're starting to get the pattern.

Seriously,
Imagine that you're a regular high-school student, doing the regular stuff, having the regular problems.
Now imagine knowing someone whose just really weird, seems to have little friends, doesn't relate well to you and who by all standard definitions of loserdom should be called a loser.
Now imagine that same person is having a blast all the time, he's always enjoying himself and always has an enormous smile on his face.
Now imagine how much he is going to envy you, how much he is going to secretly want to be you, how he will start to hate himself for being 'so good' by all regular standard and still not enjoying himself.

Seriously,
it's the answer to all your problems.

[Lychee]

Your problem may not be unusual relative to everyone else, but this is a unique experience for you and therefore, important.

The less-than-you-expected presentation of yourself isn't evidence of your forgetting who you are - it's just a lapse of memory plus some nerves. On the contrary, I would think that this presentation showed a lot about who you are by what you omitted than what you did present. What the presentation showed is who you are to yourself, not who you are to anyone else. What matters is what you forget to say and what you did say.

This girl who started talking to you was disappointed in your performance, not in you. Aside from that, do you want to listen to some guy who just blew you off with a "have a useful life"?

Maybe this event needed to happen for you to shift your awareness of who people think you are, to who you REALLY are. Your values are what's important. If someone thinks you're good, that's fine, but do you think you're good? There will also be people who think they are better than you or worse than you. You can't possibly judge and no one can say that one person is good and another isn't. We have a limited perspective of others, but we have a better perspective of ourselves.

You are seeing another part of yourself, which is why you feel "lost" and unfamiliar to your behavior. You have to give yourself some time to learn and understand this part of you. Be easy on yourself because you will get through this.

[A.K.Light]

Would you be able to redo the presentation if you asked to? And do it with a new approach this time? Things don't always go as planned, but you can always make up for it in the future, even if you can't redo the presentation or borrow 5 minutes of class time.

mtrimpe is SUPER COOL. That's good advice. Sorry, I didn't read the other posts in this thread, they're advice might have been great too.

[Jochem]

Thanks for your replies, everyone. They helped a lot. I think I've gotten closer knowing who I am again. After the presentation, I felt so energyless and empty. But now, I may still feel a little empty, but I can feel new energy and motivation to keep going on.

Would you be able to redo the presentation if you asked to? And do it with a new approach this time? Things don't always go as planned, but you can always make up for it in the future, even if you can't redo the presentation or borrow 5 minutes of class time.

I talked to the teacher, and she said that I could redo the presentation in the form of a small presentation. I'm not sure if I have the guys for it, though.

Do you always feel left out? The bright girl who talked to you, do you talk with her more often? Did you ever feel you could discuss your thoughts with her? She seems concerned about you. It's encouraging to know she sees your potential as she said she knows you can do 'better'. So people might pick more up about you then you realise, for the better that is.

Well, yeah, I feel left out a lot. Some people who I consider "friends", they value me as their second choice. I kind of like them, but... I don't really trust them that much. That girl doesn't talk to me that often, though. I don't even know how she can see my full potential when I fail to see it.

What is the reason why you do it (lucid dreaming etc)? Why are you kicking yourself so hard that you either had a 'blackout' or that it went differently then you would have liked? (I understand but still)

Well, I could've prevented it. It was a great chance. I have kind of blown it.

It seems that question says something about your teacher. The fact that it touches you says something about yourself as well. Would you like more friends, or do you think you should ? Do you feel alone a lot?

Well, I don't really know the answer myself. I have a few great friends from different countries who I haven't seen face to face yet. But when it comes to friends on school, I was kind of confused by that question. Because I'm not sure whether my "friends" at school are really friends. When a class is out, I wait for them, because I'm a loyal person, but they don't seem to wait for me, unless I ask them to. That's why I feel lonely sometimes.

I can relate to that, no one is really keen to look like an "idiot", but hey on the other hand, is it really such a major? Will it be important in a weeks time? (Just trying to lighten the mood here)

Well, yes, it will be an experience that did something big to me. These emotions might change who I am, independently whether these changes are positive or negative.

Obviously you really enjoy music and writing. Have you ever shared you writing with anyone else? What do you like to write about? How did you get into lucid dreaming, reading, memory techniques? Do you have anyone in your life you can relate to about these things?

I write funny stories. Stories without any serious stuff in it. I enjoy writing funny things, even though I'm not a funny person. I share my stories with a good friend on the internet. We add to the story together, and this way we make a story that changes plot all the time. I got into lucid dreaming again after reading some stuff about lucid dreaming on this site. I learned some memory techniques thanks to this site too, which linked to another site, that taught me all the necessary techniques. And I just read a lot, because I love knowledge. I used to have reoccuring nightmares. Sometimes I just knew I had experience a situation similar to that one. Which allowed me to go "lucid", and I made different choices based upon those other experiences. That's how I got into lucid dreaming, even though I didn't know what it was. I was around 8, 9 or 10 years old. After a while, I lost the ability, because of bad sleeping habits. I regained this ability a few months ago. I had around 22 lucid dreams in January. Gaining more control every lucid dreaming.

I hate myself: what part or is it something you do, not about who you are?
I let myself down, I let others down: dissapointment, learning curves.
I don't know what my qualities are: write down what you like to do and what you are good at. It's a start to see what you have to offer to yourself and others.
I feel depressed: share your feelings with someone you like and trust, not 'some' guy.
I forgot what it was about: you will remember again...
And most importantly: you are growing and learning to accept that it's all alright

When I'm depressed, I usually share my feelings with someone. The problem is, that I never talk about it face to face, because for some reason, I can't.
That's a good idea, I will start writing things down. And you're right, I'm still learning, like everyone else.

You're in the process of self discovery. Don't beat yourself up.
It's the fighting yourself that causes the agony. I have been there when I was 17 and learning from a depression I didn't know I had. It lasted quite a few years but I have learned to handle things and love myself.
I've found much help myself in the book of "End the struggle and dance with life" by Susan Jeffers. It tells you about your lower self and higher self and recognizing when you're dragging yourself down. Maybe it will be of help to you. But I think that there's something interesting as well in a saying I just remembered: "The road is smooth, why are you throwing rocks in front of your path?" All the best Jochem and take care

I hope I can get my hands on that book. I blame myself for a lot of stuff that has happened, even though I'm not sure if I even had something to do with, or if I could help it or not. Thanks a lot. And that's a really nice saying, I will remember that one.

Hi Jochum. First of all many people forget what they mean to say when they are speaking in front of a number of people. It is also very difficult to sum up who one is in twenty minutes or so because we all have different aspects to our personalities. Now of course you are over thinking who you are and confusing yourself. Because if I think to myself "I am kind" I will recall a time when I wasnt "that kind". Then I start to become confused.

Yeah, that's something very familiar.

I have found that as soon as I think I know who I am I change or I desire to change. As for friends, I would rather have a few really good friends as many acquaintances. Not everyone desires to have lots of people around all of the time. Personally I need lots of time for myself and always have. It is perfectly normal to remember everything you meant to say and didnt say, then give yourself a bad time about it. Just let it go.....after all it wasnt the Inaugral Speech and look at some of our politicians, although they speak in front of audiences all of the time, they make mistakes. Be kind to yourself, you stood up and attempted to tell your classmates about you. Obviously not one of them knew how to listen with empathy and the heart or they would have applauded your effort.

That's something I often forget too; everybody makes mistakes. It was kind of hard to tell about myself too. I really didn't want to mess up, yet I did.

In addition, your angry reaction was born of your frustration. Again, forgive yourself. Make it a learning experience.

I think so too. It's just hard to forgive myself, but I will attempt to do so. Because I've got to stick with myself for the rest of my life. I have no choice other than to forgive myself.

This isnt one chance and your out. In th future you will have oportunities to tell about yourself and with each time it will become easier. Just like driving a car. There is a group called "Toastmasters" . It is a support group for people who wish to learn how to speak in front of groups. You might want to look one up.

I might look one Toastmasters group up someday. Not sure whether they have one in the Netherlands, though. And you're definitely right there, this wasn't my only chance. Still, it would've been good if I didn't mess it up.

You're 18. There's a lot happening in your life, not the least of which is social pressure. I gather much of it is internal for you? No matter. Everyone around you wants to be normal, but also stand out from the crowd in some way. It's a very confusing time.

Yeah, it's definitely confusing. I thought I had it under control. Maybe I had, because I was convinced of it. So I might start re-convincing myself.

[Jochem]

You have your own true values. You investigate lucid dreaming. You read. You're interested in improving yourself. I'm sure there is other interests and values you have that I didn't immediately pick up on in your post. Regardless of what others may try to tell you, stay true to your values; that is yourself.

The problem is that I've forgotten a lot of my values too. I've got to rediscover them. I'm not sure how. I think writing about it will work, like bellbird suggested.

Others may not value the same things you do. Having large numbers of friends, pop culture, and having a career-related interest are all things that your peers may value far higher than your personal endeavors. In fact they may not value what you do at all, prompting the idea that they have to persuade you to "live a useful life". Just because they don't value it doesn't mean it isn't useful -- you are simply more open to the idea than they are.

Have faith in yourself. You have value, identity, usefulness abound. Your peers may not recognize it yet, but they will with time.

I don't like it when people speak of "having a life" and "not having a life", because as far as I know, everybody has a life, for we're all breathing and thus alive, right? The faith I have in myself is kind of instable. There are times when I'm flooded with faith, and other times, there doesn't seem to be any faith left at all.

Seriously,
Imagine that you're a regular high-school student, doing the regular stuff, having the regular problems.
Now imagine knowing someone whose just really weird, seems to have little friends, doesn't relate well to you and who by all standard definitions of loserdom should be called a loser.
Now imagine that same person is having a blast all the time, he's always enjoying himself and always has an enormous smile on his face.
Now imagine how much he is going to envy you, how much he is going to secretly want to be you, how he will start to hate himself for being 'so good' by all regular standard and still not enjoying himself.

Seriously,
it's the answer to all your problems.

I think this is a major part indeed. Enjoying what you have is better than not enjoying what you don't have.

The less-than-you-expected presentation of yourself isn't evidence of your forgetting who you are - it's just a lapse of memory plus some nerves. On the contrary, I would think that this presentation showed a lot about who you are by what you omitted than what you did present. What the presentation showed is who you are to yourself, not who you are to anyone else. What matters is what you forget to say and what you did say.

You're right. I've seen a side of me, I didn't even know it existed. Maybe I did know a little about it, but I didn't know it was this "bad". I should be happy for getting to know this side of myself. It's just hard to omit emotions in front of everyone. I find it hard to smile, even when I'm happy. I force myself not to smile. When I'm sad and about to cry, I don't cry, I keep the tears inside. Unless I'm alone, of course, then I don't really care what I omit, because nobody is seeing me. I think this part of me has evolved from things that people have done to me in the past. People in the past have exploited my weak points a lot. "Friends" were telling my "dark" secrets to everyone, and then they all kept making a deal out of it. I think this is why I'm beating myself up for my mistakes so much. I shouldn't have done it, because people might be able to use it against me. I think this is why I covered my weak points, not by actually covering my weak points, but by pretending I don't care about it. As I'm writing this, I'm starting to get to know myself more and more. It really helps.

This girl who started talking to you was disappointed in your performance, not in you. Aside from that, do you want to listen to some guy who just blew you off with a "have a useful life"?

Well, it wasn't really the way the blew me off. It was that I was unable to explain who I was, I felt as if I had no qualities at all.

Maybe this event needed to happen for you to shift your awareness of who people think you are, to who you REALLY are. Your values are what's important. If someone thinks you're good, that's fine, but do you think you're good? There will also be people who think they are better than you or worse than you. You can't possibly judge and no one can say that one person is good and another isn't. We have a limited perspective of others, but we have a better perspective of ourselves.

You are seeing another part of yourself, which is why you feel "lost" and unfamiliar to your behavior. You have to give yourself some time to learn and understand this part of you. Be easy on yourself because you will get through this.

Yes, you're right. I think this event had to happen, so I could get to know myself more. I think everybody is in search for his true self all the time, which is the biggest quest. Yep, people can't say whether one person is good, and the other is either less or more good. We can only judge ourselves. Being easy on myself is hard, but I will try to do it.

[ticktockclok]

Simply put, you're insecure with yourself and that's why your interactions with others often get messed up, and why your best friends are on the internet. Learn some emotional freedom techniques, i.e. Sedona Method.

[Jochem]

Yep, that's correct. It plays a big role in why I messed up. Where can I learn this Sedona Method, and methods like it? (I don't even know what it is, and how it works.)

[ticktockclok]

The Sedona Method is great- very simple and easily used. There's a book which is perfect on its own, or if you prefer tapes, you can buy those too. Check out amazon for the book, and just search "Sedona Method" to get the tapes.