Embarassed by wife

[ar81]

She is not the kind of person who would humiliate you intentionally.
Yet that is exactly what she did.

I went to a company event that was aimed at improving quality of life of couples. She ended up commenting on loud personal problems and she said enough before I could silence her. She forgot I was at my workplace and spoke as if we were alone.

The last time she embarassed that was before an ambassador, not for the same reason, but she mistreated him and I could only apologize for her behavior.

I know she feels bad, I feel bad. I feel humilliated, not willing to bring her out to any public event. My concern is her consistent behavior.

I know she has good feelings. I do not get to understand why she does it.

I know that if I vent it on her she will get depressed. She thinks it was a mistake to go there.

I do not want to be rude with her. I do not want to vent my anger on her. But I need to vent it somehow.

[dulaney0330]

I can relate to your post because I, on occasion, have done this. It sounds like she may speak too soon before she really thinks about what she will say.

Is it situations of "foot in mouth" or something different?

[MyEyeIsOpen]

My wife has foot in mouth disease, but she owns it. I tell her off, she apologizes for it, it's done.

[James81]

Originally Posted by ar81

I know that if I vent it on her she will get depressed.

couple of things that ring powerful in that statement:

1. Just because you can predict someone's reaction, does not immediately mean that you must avoid standing up for yourself. There is an underlying manipulation that comes with that kind of behavior from a person. They have learned that in order to get their way, they feign depression or hurt themselves even MORE in order to gain your sympathy...or to stunt you from standing up to them. The only way to deal with people like this (or people in general actually) is to take responsibility for your authentic reaction and assert it. If the person gets depressed because you reacted, that is THEIR choice.

2. Perhaps there is more empowering way to express yourself than "venting." A healthy assertion of your discontent? Opening a can of whoop-ass? I dunno.

[rei]

Originally Posted by ar81

She is not the kind of person who would humiliate you intentionally.
Yet that is exactly what she did.

I went to a company event that was aimed at improving quality of life of couples. She ended up commenting on loud personal problems and she said enough before I could silence her. She forgot I was at my workplace and spoke as if we were alone.

that does not sound like intentional humiliation to me. it sounds like she saw this as an opportunity to express things on her mind, and she forgot you were around colleagues from work. not sure that is intentional though, but whether or not she did it on purpose, you have a right to express your discomfort about it. she has a right to respond as she chooses as well. you're responsible for your actions and choices, not hers.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by James81

The only way to deal with people like this (or people in general actually) is to take responsibility for your authentic reaction and assert it. If the person gets depressed because you reacted, that is THEIR choice.

Very true. My husband was once embarrassed because he thought I didn't know a piece of common knowledge. I saw embarrassment on his face but he kept denying he was feeling that way. Finally, he just shot out, "yes im embarrassed!"

I wasn't hurt because I didn't take it personally and I did not want him to hold back because of the risk "I may hurt your feelings."

Honest communication, sometimes uncomfortable and painful, is ultimately very enriching and rewarding.

[Honeywith4bees]

ar81, I would second what James said.

My new husband likes to hold back from expressing himself honestly for fear of seeing me be hurt. I keep telling him that I would rather be hurt by the truth than be hurt by a lie or an omission of the truth. And also, I need practice at getting used to dealing with things that can be potentially hurtful in a more appropriate way. How van I get the practice if he won't be honest with me?

So my advice is to be honest , in a kind and loving way of course, after all she didn't do it on purpose.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ar81

I know she feels bad, I feel bad.

Why not have a brainstorming session with her, rather than a venting session?

Let her know, owch, I flinched when you said xyz, and I think you didn't think it worked well, either, right? Laugh a little, and let her know you're on her side -- you support her and want her to feel good.

What's her positive purpose when she says things that embarrass you or herself? What's the underlying aim she's got? In the case of the work thing, for instance, is it possible that she was simply blurting because she had some feelings pent up? Or whatever it was that had her blurt, can you get to it from her point of view? Some role playing might be helpful here, so that you can each get a deeper understanding of how things are for the other.

Then look for a solution to that underlying purpose. Help her to feel like your deeply valued teammate, and work with her to focus on solution that will have you both feeling really good together.

[Martin S]

I think you definitely need to talk to her about it. Approach her with an attitude of complete and unconditional acceptance - just listen to what she has to say about the whole thing. Don't argue and don't judge her. Usually when people have emotional problems they try to avoid thinking about these problems and become very emotionally unstable when you point out to them that they indeed do have a problem that they need to solve.

As you have personally pointed out, she probably did not intend to humiliate you. What she was probably looking for is validation for her own emotions. When we feel emotionally hurt or anxious, the natural reaction is to talk about our problems to others. Some people would see this as 'whining', but it's a necessary step in solving the problems for yourself and that's why it's so important to have somebody to talk to.

Have you ever considered the fact that when we feel humiliated it is usually because of our own internal emotional insecurities that we are so thoroughly trying to hide from the world?

[Mynder]

I agree with Angela.

What I got from your post was a sense that there may be some underlying issue. Maybe she feels neglected to a degree, or maybe you're asserting a role in your relationship that she is not able to fully accept (or maybe not anmyore), such as being dominant instead of an equal.

It does not matter whether this is true or not, what matters is how she feels about it and what might trigger this behavior, if it is, indeed, intentional (or "subconsciously intentional", i.e. a coping/defense mechanism).

This really seems a bit like a call for your attention, intended or not.

[Alison Jenkins]

The flip side is your wife may have helped lots of other people in the room who had the same issues but were too reserved to speak about them. They may not have commented on the remarks but you don't know what effect it had upon them.

Were these comments already known to you or was this a total surprise to you? It doesn't sound like this was intentional to embarrass you and I wonder whether you are able to now address the issues behind closed doors.

The other thing it can depend upon what our childhoods were like. Some people come from families where it is ok to say things as they are and other people come from families where everything is to be kept a secret no matter what.

Alison

[ar81]

When she was a newborn baby, she had to go to incubator for 2 months. At the time, physical contact with mother was not part of the protocol, so for her it was like being abandoned.

Such feeling has made her to be haunted by rejection. It seems that her feelings were triggered when they guy at the conference said something about leaving insane relations and looking for a better one. She felt fear of me leaving her. It was not real, just a flashback from that past era at the incubator.

We discussed it and I pointed out how unreal rejection is right now.

Since we married I have been helping her to heal her fears, patiently and systematically. When she is not emotionally affected by her past she is a great woman.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ar81

When she was a newborn baby, she had to go to incubator for 2 months. At the time, physical contact with mother was not part of the protocol, so for her it was like being abandoned.

Such feeling has made her to be haunted by rejection. It seems that her feelings were triggered when they guy at the conference said something about leaving insane relations and looking for a better one. She felt fear of me leaving her. It was not real, just a flashback from that past era at the incubator.

We discussed it and I pointed out how unreal rejection is right now.

Since we married I have been helping her to heal her fears, patiently and systematically. When she is not emotionally affected by her past she is a great woman.

I think your wife might really enjoy and benefit from TIME Techniques, ar81. It's a very comfortable and quick therapy done in one session that allows the person to release stuff like that, easily and effortlessly, along with any other old stored up negative emotions she's got lurking in her subconscious. One nice thing is she doesn't have to talk about or re-live any old trauma; in fact, she doesn't even have to remember it consciously in order to get fabulous results.

You can learn more about it here and what people say about it here; I do this work over the phone and there's probably a practitioner in your area who can work with her in person. (look for "timeline therapy")

[Mike75]

I am sure you must have done loads of things that embarassed her. If you know that she loves you and she didn't do it intentionally, then just forget it. Everyone makes mistakes.