Have you been cheated on?

[Curtis2011]

I have. It wasn't the most pleasant experience in the world, but in the end I learned a lot from it, about myself and about life.

Some would say that a little suffering is good for the soul. I would tell that person to go **** himself

[dulaney0330]

I dont think I have ever been cheated on.

[180]

lol, so many times.

It's stopped bothering me.

I've kind of accepted that some women will cheat. Doesn't matter how good a guy (aka. me) she has. It's inevitable really. But I do feel bad for the guy who ends up with her next. Because she will also continue to cheat.

These girls think that she needs more and is never satisfied with what she has.

I mean, some women have so many needs... (comes from insecurity) and just 1 man cannot fulfill them all. Seriously, some girls need a man that has a car, a man that has money, a man that is funny, a man that has looks, a man that is intelligent, a man that has this and that.

It's actually pretty impossible standard that just 1 man can't have.

Again, this isn't ALL women. Or even the majority of women. It's the women that cheat that tend to have this sort of personality.

But here's the thing, a woman assumes that a man CAN do it all. So she keeps looking for her prince charming... unfortunately she realizes further down the road that she can find that kind of man based on her looks alone. Especially when she prunes, flakes, and her body cabbages up.

As stupid as men are... we DO look for women who has personality, a good mother. So those kind of girls really don't end up happy... ever. Which is kind of a good kind of comforting thought for us guys who have been cheated on (same for women I'm sure, that type of narcassitic man ends up unhappy forever)

So those girls that cheated on us, have a different reality. Some might, find their prince charming. But how many people have you met in your life ever really are happy? The people constantly wanting more, actually end up making up their own misery.

They are living in a drama that they read in romance novels, watched on TV, or sex in the city type crap (never watched the show, just assuming that's what it is).

Cheaters just always want more. Sad for us loyal and centered people. But we are just different sorts of people. Although, I tend to think that we will be happier in the end when we find someone who is the same as us...

[aelle]

Is it still called cheating if you find out you never were the girlfriend in the first place, but the other woman?

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by aelle

Is it still called cheating if you find out you never were the girlfriend in the first place, but the other woman?

Hmm I'm gonna say yes to this.

This just reminds me that I was also "the other man" in one of my relationships. Not on purpose though.

[blossom]

I don't really know if I have ever been cheated on. My last guy I had my suspicions...mainly when a friend of his came up to him drunk at a party, and congratulated him for the "hot little honey" he saw him having coffee with the week before. He then tried to tell me that it was someone his jewish aunt set him up with a year ago...but I believed the drunk guy! Who would come up to someone after a year and congratulate them on the catch they saw them with ( the guy didn't know who I was in relation to his friend, my boyfriend, at the time)?

I cheated once, when I was 21. Never did it again after that.

[aggie]

i was cheated on....for a while, i guess i was also the other woman...because she supposedly knew about me long before i knew about her....

he was a snake who tried to hide it, lied to my face, but ultimately wanted me to find out...

she apparently was willing to wait it out...then in spite of the humiliation, i became competitive.

in the end "i won,"....be careful what you wish for...i really loved the guy, but he had more problems than cheating and i finally, painfully, reluctantly, walked away from him.

at first he was vicious about it...then he tried for years to woo me back.
until i mentioned money he owed me

i am sure know there were other woman, maybe even men, than just the one i actually met.

the whole scenerio was my worst nightmare, where everyone is in on the joke but me...family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, roommates...tsk, tsk, snicker, snicker, poor twit...i still cringe sometimes...but i survived.

i just know, i could never cheat, could never be the other woman....

[James81]

Originally Posted by 180

lol, so many times.

It's stopped bothering me.

I've kind of accepted that some women will cheat. Doesn't matter how good a guy (aka. me) she has. It's inevitable really. But I do feel bad for the guy who ends up with her next. Because she will also continue to cheat.

These girls think that she needs more and is never satisfied with what she has.

I mean, some women have so many needs... (comes from insecurity) and just 1 man cannot fulfill them all. Seriously, some girls need a man that has a car, a man that has money, a man that is funny, a man that has looks, a man that is intelligent, a man that has this and that.

It's actually pretty impossible standard that just 1 man can't have.

Again, this isn't ALL women. Or even the majority of women. It's the women that cheat that tend to have this sort of personality.

But here's the thing, a woman assumes that a man CAN do it all. So she keeps looking for her prince charming... unfortunately she realizes further down the road that she can find that kind of man based on her looks alone. Especially when she prunes, flakes, and her body cabbages up.

As stupid as men are... we DO look for women who has personality, a good mother. So those kind of girls really don't end up happy... ever. Which is kind of a good kind of comforting thought for us guys who have been cheated on (same for women I'm sure, that type of narcassitic man ends up unhappy forever)

So those girls that cheated on us, have a different reality. Some might, find their prince charming. But how many people have you met in your life ever really are happy? The people constantly wanting more, actually end up making up their own misery.

They are living in a drama that they read in romance novels, watched on TV, or sex in the city type crap (never watched the show, just assuming that's what it is).

Cheaters just always want more. Sad for us loyal and centered people. But we are just different sorts of people. Although, I tend to think that we will be happier in the end when we find someone who is the same as us...

Hmmm, if I got cheated on more than, say, twice, I would start taking a good long look at myself and see why that may be because I know that the only common denominator in that series of events is ME.

And I mean that fromt he perspective of "What is it in ME that is attracting the type of woman that will cheat on me?"

[gigij]

I guess you can never be 100% sure, but I am fairly certain I have never been cheated on.
My long time hubby still adoring and devoted. I don't think he wants to cheat on me.
I think the idea that any man will cheat given the oportunity is false too - I don't think he has it in him.

[Honeywith4bees]

My ex tried to hide it but later admitted too it.

Funny thing was that he was constantly accusing me of being the cheater (it was his way of taking the spotlight off himself.)

I have forgiven him though. He helped me see what role I had in being an enabler in a destructive relationship so that I can work at not continuing that cycle in new relationships that I develop.

[James81]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Funny thing was that he was constantly accusing me of being the cheater

That's a pretty common theme with cheaters, actually. My ex did the same thing...she flipped out on me one night while I was working because she couldn't get a hold of me and accused me of all kinds of stuff. I was literally scratching my head at the time, but looking back I know exactly why she did it. Guilty conscience.

I now know that whenever someone accuses me of doing something off-the-wall, that I haven't done or had no intentions of doing, then I know it's because it's most likely that the accuser is doing the very thing they are accusing me of. This is a pretty useful piece of knowledge to have in a relationship, methinks.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by James81

I now know that whenever someone accuses me of doing something off-the-wall, that I haven't done or had no intentions of doing, then I know it's because it's most likely that the accuser is doing the very thing they are accusing me of. This is a pretty useful piece of knowledge to have in a relationship, methinks.

I think you're right James, just like if I get overly upset by someone else's behavior, it's usually a good indicator of my own internal issues that need to get sorted out!

[blossom]

I always thought this way too, and I know it is true in most cases. I flipped out one time at my ex for finding all these new brand of condoms and lubricant (which we never used...the lube not the ronnies) and accused him of sleeping with someone else. He said he didn't know what I was talking about and I eventually conceded that it was probably just in my head...but there was this little thing nudging me in my head saying "you have every right to be sus of him, he's a liar and a cheat" just whispering to me. I'd never experienced this before, so it was out of the ordinary as far as voices in your head go.

I think he then thought I was cheating on him and had a guilty conscience, which I wasn't (though I did have coffee with a guy who asked me to while I was with him, but there was no sparkage.) Can a person get suss about a partner cheating without having cheated themselves?

[billionairekid]

Yes I have been cheated on. It was a very unpleasant experience and I believe the girl who cheated on me did it multiple times and I have proof of at least 2 occasions. Like others have stated, it's weird looking back on the relationship knowing what I know now. She was always accusing me of cheating and said she couldn't trust me because she was worried I would cheat on her when there was no logical reason for that assumption. It's disheartening really but I take responsibility for the creation of my reality and feel that something I did caused this to happen.

I feel that if both partners are fully satisfied in a relationship, there is no reason for cheating to exist. So in some way, I am responsible for what happen. Maybe I could have taken care of her better. Maybe she was untrustworthy to begin with and the mistake was being in a relationship with her. Either way, I've shifted how I handle myself in regards to women and I no longer think that a woman would cheat on me. Or at least, I would attract the kind of woman who wouldn't cheat because she is aware of her decisions regarding attraction.

[180]

Originally Posted by James81

Hmmm, if I got cheated on more than, say, twice, I would start taking a good long look at myself and see why that may be because I know that the only common denominator in that series of events is ME.

And I mean that fromt he perspective of "What is it in ME that is attracting the type of woman that will cheat on me?"

I attract hoes.

It's because I look like a "bad boy"... I got slant eyes, "mohakish" haircut, etc...

But inside, I'm all flower and ponies.

So women are like "whoa", this I signed up for Spice not the Disney channel...

[SnerpGoodWord]

Originally Posted by 180

I mean, some women have so many needs... (comes from insecurity) and just 1 man cannot fulfill them all. Seriously, some girls need a man that has a car, a man that has money, a man that is funny, a man that has looks, a man that is intelligent, a man that has this and that.

It's actually pretty impossible standard that just 1 man can't have.

I found this amusing for some reason. Nothing on that list is THAT hard to achieve, except for intelligence which is kind of a "you've got it or you don't" sort of thing. But a car AND funny? Who has that?

[aggie]

i agree to a certain extent that some of these experiences indicate something of our own nature and what we enable or allow...but not always....

my guy was, per a psychiatrist, probably schizophrenic.

she said he probably really did love me, but i needed to invest about 5 more years...and that would be if he agreed HE had the problem!

he also, before he tried to win me back, made me think things were in my head ( i realized he did this during the relationship as well) and i was crazy. he also did things and then tried to make me think I had done them to ruin him and get back at him...

[gigij]

Originally Posted by blossom

Can a person get suss about a partner cheating without having cheated themselves?

Yes - I think so. No matter how much a person tries to hide it there are subtle changes in behaviour that the SO will probably pick up on. I think the basic rule of thumb is that if you suspect that your partner is cheating they probably are - trust your intuition.

[James81]

Originally Posted by 180

I attract hoes.

It's because I look like a "bad boy"... I got slant eyes, "mohakish" haircut, etc...

But inside, I'm all flower and ponies.

So women are like "whoa", this I signed up for Spice not the Disney channel...

I have to ask this...but why is the way you look incongruent with who you really are? Not that you are supposed to fit certain molds of look based on your personality type...I'm just asking you to take an honest look inside and see if the look you present to the world is truly a look that fits your authentic self or if you don't perpetuate that look for other reasons.

Thing is, people ARE going to pre-judge you based on the way you look. I know if I see a guy with a mohawk, I immediately envision a certain personality type. Fortunately, I DO try to get to know a person first before I judge their character, but my INITIAL reaction (which is VERY important in the dating game) is gonna be that that particular person is an attention-seeking bad boy.

One way you could counteract this is to redefine your look a bit to suit what you are looking for. The beautiful thing is, you are capable of creating that look and still have it fit who you are because, well, we are multi-faceted people. Not just "one" look can define who were are. Many looks can do that.

[180]

Originally Posted by James81

I have to ask this...but why is the way you look incongruent with who you really are? Not that you are supposed to fit certain molds of look based on your personality type...I'm just asking you to take an honest look inside and see if the look you present to the world is truly a look that fits your authentic self or if you don't perpetuate that look for other reasons.

Thing is, people ARE going to pre-judge you based on the way you look. I know if I see a guy with a mohawk, I immediately envision a certain personality type. Fortunately, I DO try to get to know a person first before I judge their character, but my INITIAL reaction (which is VERY important in the dating game) is gonna be that that particular person is an attention-seeking bad boy.

One way you could counteract this is to redefine your look a bit to suit what you are looking for. The beautiful thing is, you are capable of creating that look and still have it fit who you are because, well, we are multi-faceted people. Not just "one" look can define who were are. Many looks can do that.

I'm not trying to be incongruent. Besides the hair, my natural face just looks bad or "sexy". My hair just looks better mohawk style, any other way doesn't look good. It's not really mohawk, I should say beckam style. more accurate.

But I grew up very proper.

[rei]

yes, this has happened to me. before i worked really intensely on myself i did this also - i self-sabotaged, thinking i didn't deserve fidelity and all of that.

but then i changed. self-esteem went up, desire to stray went away. and it was a guy who was totally devoted, not the type to cheat who ended up cheating - caught me by surprise, which made it harder, because he wasn't the type.

i was only the 3rd girl he slept with, so maybe it was a sex drive thing. and i had been in another country for a month, so he missed me and his friend's wife's friend kept trying to seduce him. but (and i did believe this, too strange to make up) he told me the first day i was back in the country, out of the blue, because he felt so bad about it - and he also told me he didn't complete the act. he started it, but didn't ejaculate. he stopped when he finally thought about what he was doing. i didn't suspect anything though, i had JUST gotten back. he volunteered the confession with no pressing from me.

i never regained total trust for him. maybe it was a way to balance the karma of my own indiscretions - i kinda hope so, because that means it's squared away and i can move forward in my life knowing there are healthier dynamics involved.

as much change/growth as i went through over the years, i would think that's the case.

[krackato]

Has anyone on planet earth EVER really been "cheated" on? Like, even 1 person? Like, from the highest, most cosmic, point of view?

For something that causes so much pain, isn't it funny that we all just make it up. I guess if you've got a marriage contract you could say you've been cheated on, but I really don't think the cosmos gives a crap about that.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by 180

I'm not trying to be incongruent. Besides the hair, my natural face just looks bad or "sexy". My hair just looks better mohawk style, any other way doesn't look good. It's not really mohawk, I should say beckam style. more accurate.

But I grew up very proper.

"I'm not bad -- I'm just drawn that way."

[Magicinthenight]

I don't think I've ever been cheated on but it's virtually impossible to know for sure (that's where trust comes in).

[aggie]

except when you are sure you can't trust someone....

[ShunterAlhena]

I have (21, male, and it was 21, female, my first serious partner).
It wasn't so bad since I gained much confidence in the last couple of months. So instead of getting all sad about it, I threatened the other guy with some good old fashioned corporal punishment (he instantly broke into apologies like the slime he is) and broke up with the girl. Next time I'll know the signs of fading love beforehand.

[Sasha]

Originally Posted by 180

I'm not trying to be incongruent. Besides the hair, my natural face just looks bad or "sexy". My hair just looks better mohawk style, any other way doesn't look good. It's not really mohawk, I should say beckam style. more accurate.

But I grew up very proper.

I agree, some people just "look" a certain way. It happens a lot to me (not the sexy thing) but I have a somewhat serious face (when I am not laughing) and people always think I am in a bad mood, which is rarely the case.
As to the cheating; I've been on both sides of that particular fence; cheated on and cheating. Doesn't feel good either way. If you're cheated on you feel like you're not worth anything (I did, at least). As to me cheating, I did it only once and it was more of a revenge thing and it felt horrible. Neither an experience I want to repeat.

[rei]

Originally Posted by krackato

Has anyone on planet earth EVER really been "cheated" on? Like, even 1 person? Like, from the highest, most cosmic, point of view?

For something that causes so much pain, isn't it funny that we all just make it up. I guess if you've got a marriage contract you could say you've been cheated on, but I really don't think the cosmos gives a crap about that.

well, in the cosmic sense it's all yourself - so we'd answer based on whether we think it's possible to betray one's self (plenty of folks might say yes).

i wouldn't say you must have a marriage contract though. if the relationship is supposed to involve exclusive commitment, then that is like a contract. a person could break the guidelines of the contract even if there isn't a marriage license. in my own case, we acted like we were married - cohabitated, shared the responsibilities of the bills and maintaining the home, etc.

krackato, i'm curious if you have been in a serious, monogamous relationship and discovered your partner was actually having sex with someone or someones besides you. i would be curious to know if you have been through that experience, or if you are answering without having been through it firsthand.

[180]

Originally Posted by krackato

Has anyone on planet earth EVER really been "cheated" on? Like, even 1 person? Like, from the highest, most cosmic, point of view?

For something that causes so much pain, isn't it funny that we all just make it up. I guess if you've got a marriage contract you could say you've been cheated on, but I really don't think the cosmos gives a crap about that.

That's a great point.

Inline with that kind of thinking,

Do we actually really own anything. Are my possessions really mine? Are the things in your house really ours from a cosmic perspective? Not really.

But we live everyday thinking they are and acting like they are. It bothers us that someone borrows my stapler without asking.

In a greater sense, like if you were god, a human claiming that he/she "owns" something is like a clam thinking that it's shell really belongs to it. Until I grill it up and serve it to my dinner guests. That SHELL IS MINE BIATCH!

It's because we think like this, cheating bothers us. Frankly speaking, boyfriend/girlfriend thinking is about exclusiveness.

"This is mine, and only mine. You can't have it"

It's how humans wield power over other people. But really it's made up. Imagine a world constructed where we share everything... even sex, everyone is passed around like a box of oreos. It wouldn't be so bad if you grew up in a society where we shared everything.

We just can't because we've already constructed a reality where "this is mine, you can't have it." and "that is yours, I want it".


Although, the thought of letting my wife have sex with plumber still doesn't exactly rock my socks, this idea makes sense.


Very insightful stuff Krackato.

[Gracestars]

Never cheated. Never been cheated on (as far as I know).