Husbands job, him,him him! When me?

[qsnoodle]

I know what you will say...take control of your life, your not a victim and all that. But my husbands job is actually more important. We will move every year - living one place for the 6 month season then back home for the other 6. This lifestyle Im not fond of one bit. Im resisting it especially with all the unknowns of a new place and the uprooting.
We get paid a very small salary year round as its a step in the right direction yet a paycut.
I just got married. It feels weird. I thought it will be the same but its different. Ive been feeling depressed lately.

Last year ( our first year on the road) I did every inch of the packing and moving for the both of us while he earns the living - he states he is overwhelmed trying to bring in money so Im left with EVERYTHING else.

Making money with his own biz is hard for him He does it, but he isnt skilled in businesses so he struggles during the 6 months we are home. Im actually a better business owner and decision maker in business ( I have a history of sucessess and failures). I think he may have better income potential than me but Im not sure.
He keeps saying " Ill bring in more $" and you do the books, housekeeping, organizing,cooking, cleaning,bills - which in my opinion, is not what I enjoy at all. I dont like my new duties as WIFE. Taking care of him...its nice in some ways but not the mountain of wife duties that keep me from pursuing my dreams which is how Im feeling. I keep discussing compromise but Im concerned I'll burn out.
I think if I DO start my biz, it will take everything out of me and leave nothing for him. So you can see the prob. I almost had my business going these past few months ago, I did a great commercial for a company and was feeling the momentum. Then when he got this job and he took it without really verifying that its what we would do together. Its almost like he thinks my work is a hobby? It takes time to start but now I have to give it up and move unless I can make enough in 3 weeks to justify staying home.~ unlikly.

Any thoughts out there...I wrote here because I was reading Steves "Life sucks then you die" article. It says if you dont like it, leave. I guess if I dont like it, I just leave? Confusing considering I just got married.

?
Thanks for listening.
Q

[Marko500]

I'm just interested. Did you say this above to your husband? Did you tell him what you feel and that you will go because you do not want such a life?

[qsnoodle]

We have spoken many times about it.
I need a new way to express this or as I read more of Steves articles after I wrote my original question, maybe I should just stop waiting for his permission and inch my way into my work. But isnt that was having a husband is about? Sacrafice? Thats the confusing part. Maybe its me holding me back by making sure my husband is happy.

I cant imagine not seeing him for 6 months. Maybe next year we make plans to travel back and forth.

[Yellow]

I am sorry you have to go through this.

Relationships require that both people stay happy individually and as a couple. You are clearly not happy with this situation. When you two talk, what conclusions do you derive?

Does your husband enjoy 6months on the road and 6 months home? If not then maybe he should reconsider too. The fact that your are not happy, requires you two to figure out solutions to make sure you are both happy.

Maybe its not your husband's job that should be the biggest priority but happiness for the two of you; which includes doing what makes you happy while probably staying together - best case scenario.

[joelr]

Why did you get married, sound like you have incompatible lifestyles?

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by joelr

Why did you get married, sound like you have incompatible lifestyles?

I was thinking along the same lines
and no
love is not a good enough reason


and I am sorry you are having a tough time !

[danas]

qsnoodle it sounds to me like you are frustrated because you are talented and want to make use of you're talents not just do house chores
you say you're husband hasn't got the business skills and then you say that you think you do. Have you ever thought of starting a business with your husband ? I don't know if his current business or a new one, maybe one where you don't have to move around as much if you don't like to.
Each of you would have different roles matching each of your talents.
maybe you two could join forces. My mom and her husband are like that. He thinks of wild ideas and she makes them happen
I don't think you should leave just yet

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by qsnoodle

We have spoken many times about it.
I need a new way to express this or as I read more of Steves articles after I wrote my original question, maybe I should just stop waiting for his permission and inch my way into my work. But isnt that was having a husband is about? Sacrafice? Thats the confusing part. Maybe its me holding me back by making sure my husband is happy.

I cant imagine not seeing him for 6 months. Maybe next year we make plans to travel back and forth.

It sounds like maybe he needs to make a sacrifice for you. A relationship is not a one-way street you know.

I would never want to be moving every 6 months either. Maybe the real solution is for him to find a better job where you guys can settle down.

[votoshka]

Ultimately, if you are not happy your marriage will suffer. If this is what it's like after one year of marriage, imagine in another year, or two, of living this way...

In October 2008 my husband lost his fairly well paying job, and decided he wanted to help is parents out in their business, and eventually buy into it. His parents are getting older (his step father is 71, and while his mum's only 57 this year, she is still not 100% after recovering from bowel cancer) so this seemed like a good idea. SO, I agreed to quit my job, uproot the kids, move out of our nice home and move 1.5 hours away into the middle of nowhere (small town of 300 or so people, 50km from the nearest "city"). Well, we moved up January 2009, and almost one year to the day later the kids and I moved back home!

So, at the moment my husband and I are apart, and I'm currently unemployed. BUT I feel about a million times better than I did last year. The kids are much happier, and so am I. The kids do miss their dad, but as he's working 15 plus hour days, and only takes off two days a fortnight, they really didn't see him much anyway (he'd leave before they woke up, and get home when they were in bed). They did get to see him at work in the roadhouse, but it's not the same because there's really no quality time.

Anyway, I think marriage must be about compromise on both sides. If you're miserable, there's something wrong. You need some personal fulfilment yourself, not just as a "wife" but as your own person.

[ar81]

To me it looks like you need to think about your life plan.
Even if you love each other, if life plans do not match, it may not work.
You may need to talk about life plans and reach an agreement of what the future will be.

Find what is not negotiable for you, and anything else is negotiable.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by qsnoodle

But isnt that was having a husband is about? Sacrafice?

This is a very limiting believe.

Having a husband (or wife for that matter) is not about sacrifice. It is about being happy together. Sharing the joys and sorrows of life together. It is about working together to make each others dreams come true.

Sure, sometimes you give up things. That's life. But it is not a sacrifice if what you get back for it is so much more valuable. If it isn't then don't give up whatever you were giving up.


Practical advice:

Sit you husband down. Tell him: "I'm not happy living this way. I love you, I like being your wife, but our lifestyle is making me unhappy. This is what I am going to do about it. And this is what I need from you. Is this acceptable for you?"

And, remind him, although in the beginning he might have to help with the house work, later on when you do have more money you can hire people to do that for you! And he will come home to a happy and cheerful wife, instead of an angry and depressed wife

[Marund]

yuck. dont have a kid.

[ar81]

When we have a problem there are 3 options:
1.To adapt to the problem and embrace it and live with it.
2.To solve it.
3.Whining while doing nothing (perfect unhappiness).

Which one will you pick?

[Mike75]

This is a tough situation. I would suggest that since you have just got married, you should give your marriege a little time. Let's see how things go. May be your husband would himself understand the problem and change his work or may be you would adjust with the lifestyle. So, just be patient.