How I dealt with the loss of my wife

[Mike Estep]

On June 16, 2005, my beautiful wife of 20 years, Rhonda, and I were in a car accident. Rhonda did not survive. The first several months that ensued were horrible to say the least. I worshiped the ground Rhonda walked on and I was devastated.

Doctors tried to get me to take Lexapro. I tried it for a few days. It made me feel absolutely numb. This was not the answer for me. It was better to feel raw emotion than nothing. So, I decided to embrace the grieving process. I cried every day for many months. There were days I wanted to die, but I kept going.

I made a promise to myself not to date for a minimum of 1 year. I needed time to heal emotionally. I also did this out of respect for Rhonda's family, whom I love very much.

I attended counseling for about 6 months and this seemed to help quite a bit in learning to deal with my emotions.

I also learned to appreciate the fragility of life and the time I have with my family. I thank God for loaning Rhonda to me and our children for 20 years. From personal events I've witnessed, I also believe that in some ways my wife is still around watching out for me and our children from time to time.

In July of 2006, I was introduced to a wonderful lady, Tina, through mutual friends. She was widowed like me and we had much in common. After several months of dating, we are now engaged. I don't believe it to be a coincidence that we found each other.

For those of you reading this, you can get through the grief - just hang in there. Even though it hurts, grieving is part of living and we can become stronger people for it.

Mike Estep
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Mike Estep.com - Common Sense Outside the Box

[Lola]

Thanks for sharing this Mike.

We've been on similar paths the past two years, although in my case the people survived while the 22 year marriage did not. Like you, I spent many days crying and wanting to die. Who knew one human could produce so many tears? But, I'm also familiar with spending the time, doing the work, and getting the love, support and assistance I needed to get through it.

You honor the memory of your wife with your words. And honor the spirit of your happiness together by beginning a new life with Tina.

Blessings to you both.

And who knows, our paths may cross someday - I'm just across the river from you!

[Mike Estep]

Thank you Lola.

My Rhonda was an amazing and brilliant woman. A friend of ours posted a memorial website for her that honors her memory as well. The guestbook contains many posts about how she affected the lives of her family, friends, colleagues, and students...

In Loving memory of her laughter, love and friendship ~ Rhonda Estep

When this site was first put up, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest to look at it. I can now look at it with an occasional tear, wonderful memories, and peace.

Mike
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Mike Estep.com - Common Sense Outside the Box

[norbert]

Thank you Mike. This means so much to me now. I am sorry for your loss in the past and wish you the very best with Tina.

[Mike Estep]

Thanks Norbert,

I read some of your postings and noticed that you had a very recent loss. I'm so sorry. I truly understand the pain. The journey for the next several months will be hard, but you will get through this.

I noticed that you are into music production as well. I play in a band, Arbuckle Xpress. We put out a CD this past summer. The guys in the band were very gracious to allow me to include a song honoring the memory of my Rhonda. It's called "Where Do I Go From Here?" You can listen to the whole song without cost on the Arbuckle Xpress myspace page at www.myspace.com/arbucklexpress.

Mike
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Mike Estep.com - Common Sense Outside the Box

[help4me]

Mike.... I was browsing the site.... and came across your post.

How can I help my dad? We just lost my mom in August 2006. My mom and dad had been married for over twenty years. I moved my dad and my mom's elderly mother cross country to live with me. But my dad is spiraling out of control. He is making bad choices and and hurting all of us... financially as well as emotionally. And he moved his girlfriend of two days in to live with us as well. Things have become a nightmare. My dad lost himself when mom died. I don't know how to help him, and professional help is out of the question right now. I know you won't have all the answers. But perhaps you can give me more insight. I don't mean to put you in a difficult situation. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Mike Estep]

People deal with grief differently. I’m sorry that your dad is having a hard time dealing with his loss. However, nothing will change until your dad is ready to come to terms with the emotions involved.

Having said that, here are some things that might possibly help…Does your dad like to read? If so, you might get him some books. One book that helped me make sense of my loss was “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.” You could also print out my post “How I dealt with the loss of my wife.” He may be able to relate somewhat since I was married for 20 years and was devastated when my Rhonda died. There may also be some benefit from your dad talking to others who have lost a spouse.

You need to consider the following as well. I’m assuming from what you’ve written that you are an adult and trying to step up to the plate to take care of your family. If your dad continues to follow a path that leads his other family members to a place of emotional, physical, or financial harm, then you may have to do what is necessary to take care of yourself and the rest of your family first. This may involve telling your dad that you love him, but are not going to be dragged down with him – and meaning it.

I hope things go well for you. I know it’s hard enough just dealing with your loss, let alone the type of situation you are referring to.

Thanks,
Mike Estep

[bettyboo11]

Dear Mike,

I was very depressed this morning and I happened upon this post. I went to your late wife's rememberance page and I was just floored at how beautiful it was. I cried reading her friend's eulogy for her..what a beautiful person she was/is! I'm inspired by both of your stories.. so thank you very much. I'm glad you have found peace now and I wish you all the best!

Much love,
Betty Boo

[Mike Estep]

Thank you Betty. I truly appreciate your comments and I'm glad that you found Rhonda's and my stories helpful.

Mike

[ken nubo]

Good post.

[Alan]

Hello Mike and all.
I am looking for the strength to get through the potential loss of my wife of 13 years - she has not died but she has had an affair with another man for the past couple of months and is about to ruin everything that we have had with a series of incedibly bad decisions - and to make it worse the man was my boss. Consequently I have left my job, moved from the St. Louis area to Southern Florida - thanks to God opening doors to a fabulous new carer opportunity, but I miss her terribly. In the end my heart is destroyed and every day I seem to die again and dream of future days together.

At the moment we are still married and I think of her constantly. We talk every day and I have told her that I would gladly work things out and try to start fresh, but she is hesitant to make the leap and get off the fence and dump the guy who has done this 6 other times in the past and has ruined as many families.

I have not seen a professional on this subject yet and really feel like I need somebody to talk to. I admited to my wife that I was not there for her as much as I should have been and, seriously, I have never cried and felt so much emotion as I have for the past two months as this thing took place.
Right now I am torn between making an ultimatum with her and facing the consequences of the ultimatum, or letting this thing drag on indefinitely with the one-sided hopes of a recovery.
Everybody says that I should kick her to the curb, but I really love her and dread the idea of starting over.

Reading your initial message, it made me realize that I might have to suffer for a really long, long time, but with a lot of faith and strength and praying and hope I might just find somebody as good as you did.
It's too far out to see at this point in time.
I don't know why your story came up on my computer tonight, but I am really glad that it did. I am suffering right now - if my wife would have been killed then that would have been a huge tragedy of its own, an I would have had to deal with that, but to have her consciensly chose to go this route is so painful. In the end we both have to ask "Why".

Do we ever get an answer???

Take care,
Alan.

[imagex]

It's your wife who lost you,not you lost your wife.

[Mike Estep]

Alan,

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. You can't do it by yourself. If your wife has been with someone else for months and continues to be with that person to this day, then it sounds like she's made her decision.

Before, I was married to my late Rhonda for 20 years, I was previously married for 3 years. The person I was married to left me and didn't want to be married anymore. At the time, I thought it was horrible because I loved her and didn't want a divorce. I cried alot then too. Loss from divorce is similar to loss from death (I know because I've experienced both). However, for many reasons, including the incredibly poor life decisions my ex-wife has made ever since, it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Counseling can be a good thing because it gives you a chance to vent and get things off of your chest. You can also talk to family and friends you trust and who care about your best interest.

I'm no counselor, but since I've been through a similar experience, I'll give you an opinion. I'd tell your wife that you have to move forward with your life and that you are going to stop calling her because it isn't fair for you to have to deal with the present situation. If she wants to resume trying to put your marriage back together later, she can contact you. If she doesn't, then that was the decision she was going to make anyway. Either way, you can continue on with your life. It is better to be alone for awhile than to put up with a spouse that is continually unfaithful. Also, there really are other potential mates out there that won't behave in the manner your wife is now.

I wish you the best,
Mike

[JohnPlace]

Thank you for your story, Mike. I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best.

I love my wife so much. She is truly the treasure of my life. I cannot imagine the pain I would experience if she died, nor do I want to. Life is precious, and you never know when something important will be snatched away from you.

I treasure every day with Leslie, my wife. And I thank you so much for your story, since it reinforces that every day should be treated like the gem it is. Best wishes to you.

[Alan]

First of all to ImageX, thank you for that fantastic one-liner. It is what I feel and I will keep that thought in my head.

Second, to Mike, thank you as well for replying to my message. I guess it helps me to remove the blame from myself when I realize the I was not the one who decided to take this course.
She will be visiting me this weekend in Florida and this will be the true test of the future of our marriage. I told her the other night that I am not going to do this for very much longer, so I'll know much more by the end of the weekend.
Somehow I am bracing myself for the worst while trying to maintain hope and faith for the best. I will keep your words in my mind for support.

Thanks again.

[Mike Estep]

JohnPlace,

I'm glad you found my story helpful. I appreciate your encouraging comments.

Alan,

Hang in there. I imagine you are going through an emotional roller coaster of hope and despair. One thing I've found helpful in these situations is focusing emotions toward a constructive goal. I try to think to myself "I just want to do the right thing." This is about doing whatever is good, fair, and just. It helps you to focus your emotions and your intuition on making decisions that will be the best for you and others concerned. It will help you to take control of your emotions instead of being controlled by them. It can help you to make hard uncomfortable decisions when or if that becomes necessary.

I hope you and your wife have a positive visit.

Mike

[Cron]

Thanks it was refreshing to read a post about real life on this forum instead of some 20 year reflection on high school and trying to become master of the universe while making a killing on his blog.

[Vanilla]

I love your story, thank you for sharing.

[Mike Estep]

Thank you Cron for your sense of humor and thank you Vanilla for your encouraging words.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Mike. I have been meaning for a while to post and thank you for sharing your story. It's encouraging to see love in action and to know that the kind of love I am looking for does indeed exist. I wish you all the best.

[Mike Estep]

Aspiring to Clarity.

Thanks. I'm glad my story has given you hope. True committed love does indeed exist.

Mike

[uberinquisitive]

Hi Mike,

The circumstances in which I lost my boyfriend were very different from yours (he killed himself). And we didn't have a good relationship. He died 4 months ago.

However, I found your post really inspiring. We don't have control over how or why someone dies. But we do have control over how we re-build our lives afterwards.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[Mike Estep]

uberinquisitive,

Thanks for your reply. I’m glad you found comfort in my story. I’m so sorry for your loss and the circumstances surrounding it.

My late wife died in an automobile accident. My current fiancée Tina’s late husband died after a battle with cancer. Grief issues are hard enough to deal with in these circumstances.

I’ve also had friends who have lost loved ones through suicide. There is sometimes an added guilt issue in situations like yours where the people left behind feel somewhat responsible. Even if you and your boyfriend were having problems, it would be hard to not have thoughts like this.

You’ve probably already heard this, but it’s not your fault because you didn’t choose this action. I appreciate the strength and maturity in the comment you made: “We don't have control over how or why someone dies. But we do have control over how we re-build our lives afterwards”.

Hang in there,
Mike

[Angela]

Mike, you are one cool guy, and a great coach. I wish you and Tina so much bountiful, overflowing love in your new marriage that it almost embarrases you.

[Mike Estep]

Angela,

I really appreciate that. Actually, your comments made my eyes water and had me blushing a little as well! One other thing I've learned since my Rhonda passed on is how not to be afraid of expressing emotions of sadness and joy as a male. I know now that doing so is not a sign of male weakness, but instead a sign of strength.

I feel so fortunate that Tina and I found each other. For many reasons beyond our backgrounds being similar, her and me being together makes perfect sense. It intuitively feels right - and I don't believe our meeting was a coincidence.

I guess the "coaching" thing has developed from the way I've taught private music instruction for the last 22 years. Along the way, it became important for me to inspire - helping students become philosophical and develop a sense of passion in their search for improvement. I've done this for so long now, it has just become part of me to share this way.

Thanks again,
Mike

[Jay Bee]

Originally Posted by Angela

Mike, you are one cool guy, and a great coach. I wish you and Tina so much bountiful, overflowing love in your new marriage that it almost embarrases you.

I agree entirely Angela.

Mike I just went to the memorial page on your Rhonda and it is truly beautiful as was/is she.

Many good wishes to you and Tina in your new lives together, wishing you both many, many years of Health, Wealth and Happiness.

It is so inspirational to know that TRUE LOVE really can and does exist.

Barb

[Mike Estep]

Jay Bee,

Bless your heart! It inspires me to know that the story developed from my tragedy can be used to promote benefit in the lives of other people.

Thanks,
Mike

[Kamma]

Mike

I just wanted to thank you for such an uplifting post. I wish you and Tina all the happiness for the furture.

[Mike Estep]

Kamma,

Thanks for your kind words and sentiments.

I'm continually amazed at the potential these forums have in producing positive benefits in people's lives.

Tina and I are doing great. But, some of my inlaws are having a hard time dealing with the aspect of me being with someone besides my late Rhonda. This makes me sad, because I love my inlaws dearly.

Out of respect for them and Rhonda's memory, I didn't date for a year after Rhonda died. It was the right thing to do. I made these intentions clear to everybody concerned. After that year, I felt it was appropriate to move forward with my life and begin dating again. Tina and I found each other about a month later.

My inlaws are having enough difficulty dealing with this that I'm not allowed to see them much or even discuss my relationship with Tina. It really doesn't seem fair. However, I know they continue to grieve over the loss of their daughter.

Even though I'm moving forward with Tina, my inlaws were an integral part of my life for 21 years (20 years married to Rhonda, 1 year after she died). I care for them very much and am hoping time will help heal their pain.

Thanks,
Mike

[marcie]

My high school sweetheart lost his wife of 26 years in August. We started a very cordial, casual email correspondence (not romantic) in January after not being in touch for 30 years. He lives several states away.

I am in an abusive, loveless marriage that I have stayed in 5 years too long for the sake of my children. Knowing my official marital status, my friend has far too much integrity to ever attempt to take our relationship to another level if he were so inclined. (We were very much in love at one time.) I don't dare intimate that I may want to explore the possibilities further when he is in a fragile state of hurt and mourning the loss of his wife.

How much time should I let pass before I let him know how I feel? I want to be totally respecful of his situation. At the same time, finding him again may give me the motivation and confidence I need to take the steps to unwind my own impossible situation so that I am free when/if he is ready. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Marcie