How I dealt with the loss of my wife

[marcie]

What is wrong with my post? No one has responded???

[help4me]

Nothing is wrong with your post Marcie

Originally Posted by marcie

My high school sweetheart lost his wife of 26 years in August. We started a very cordial, casual email correspondence (not romantic) in January after not being in touch for 30 years. He lives several states away.

I am in an abusive, loveless marriage that I have stayed in 5 years too long for the sake of my children. Knowing my official marital status, my friend has far too much integrity to ever attempt to take our relationship to another level if he were so inclined. (We were very much in love at one time.) I don't dare intimate that I may want to explore the possibilities further when he is in a fragile state of hurt and mourning the loss of his wife.

How much time should I let pass before I let him know how I feel? I want to be totally respecful of his situation. At the same time, finding him again may give me the motivation and confidence I need to take the steps to unwind my own impossible situation so that I am free when/if he is ready. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Marcie

It is my opinion that your motivation to leave an abusive situation should not be for the arms of another man, but because you deserve a better life, and so do your children. To stay for the sake of the children will only cause all of you more damage down the road. They are learning that "bad" relationship are ok. Children of any age are more perceptive than adults give them credit for. By staying in a damaging relationship, you are teaching them that to be mistreated is acceptable. It's not. You don't deserve this. There are organizations out there that can help you. Check with your local Social Services office, a church, something. But get yourself and your children out. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. But you can do this. You've already survived the worst... leaving a bad marriage is not beyond your ability.

Then... once you get yourself free... you can explore the possibility of a relationship with your high school sweetheart. Time will have passed for both of you to heal from your past.

Again I can't stress how important it is that you leave your marriage for the sake of yourself and children, and not for the sake of another love. What would happen if things did not work out between you and your sweetheart? Your reason for leaving a loveless marriage should be because you DO NOT deserve to be treated that way. You are worth more than that. If you leave for any other reason, you are putting your happiness AND future in the hands of another person. That's not healthy, nor is it fair to anyone involved. You are the one who should control your future and you are responsible for your own happiness. In my opinion it is far better to be in a relationship because you choose to be rather than you NEED to be. Need implies no choice. I want my sweetheart to be with me because he chooses me, not because he needs to be rescued, or needs me in order to be happy. And he feels the same about me. He wants me to choose him... not need him. Need does not allow freedom of choice. And relationships should allow freedom. And you deserve freedom.

Please do not feel that I am being harsh with you. I really do care what happens to you though we have never met and this is the first time we have spoken. I do not want to offend you in anyway, but rather offer support to you as you embark on a new journey.

Please keep in touch Marcie.

Sincerely,
Bonnie

[SonoranBob]

Mike, congratulations on finding love again. And a tip o' the hat for risking it again.

It looks like you are on track to just about nail what I am given to understand it the national average for years from being widowed to being remarried if you're a man: 2.5 years. For women, I've heard figures up to 31 years, which if even half true, is quite a contrast.

I had to chuckle because I made myself the same 1 year promise -- not just about dating but about virtually any major decision, after the death of my wife. I have a friend who gave me this advice. He lost his wife suddenly about three years ago and he is still trying to figure out what, if anything, he was thinking when he sold his house, moved to an apartment, then bought a condo -- all decisions he now regrets.

A lot of people decide to remain single after the loss of a spouse, and the resons why are almost as infinite as the variety of people. That's legitimate too. It's the way I'm strongly leaning at the moment, although, one can never say.

Best to you on your journey,

--Bob

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by Mike Estep

Tina and I are doing great. But, some of my inlaws are having a hard time dealing with the aspect of me being with someone besides my late Rhonda. This makes me sad, because I love my inlaws dearly.

Ouch. I have wondered about that myself. I'm very close to my late wife's parents and aunt/uncle; although they are 2200 miles away from me we email each other daily. They were incredibly supportive of us both through my wife's lengthy and difficult illness. I can imagine that it'd hurt them if I were to "move on". They don't have a way to "move on" that's really equivalent. That wouldn't be a reason for me not to, but still, I can see how this could be a really painful problem. I'm sorry you're going through it.

Likely they embrace an illusion "one true love" and feel you've tarnished it, either by moving too quickly, or at all. It is wise of you to let that be their illusion and not yours.

Best,

--Bob

[Mike Estep]

Marcie,

Although our situations are different, I'll give you an opinion since I was asked. I don't know the extent of your current marital problems, but if you haven't already considered it, professional counseling may help you sort out your emotions.

If physical abuse is taking place regularly, you or your children don't need to be in the same location as your husband. The abuse you mention may just be neglect or verbal. Either way, counseling may be helpful.

My cultural bias leans toward trying to make a marriage work. Your husband and you could attend counseling together. If he won't go, then you should consider going alone. I have attended counseling in the past, with my late wife Rhonda, and also after she died. I found a trained outside opinion to be very helpful.

If you decide to go to a counselor, find a person who is reputable and who you feel comfortable enough to trust. Check references and ask questions.

I personally don't think it would be appropriate to develop a romantic relationship with any other man while you are still married. Also, if you decide at some point not to stay married, it will be better in the long run to give yourself a waiting period in order to sort out mixed emotions.

I chose to wait a year after Rhonda died to begin dating so I could heal and grieve. It was one of the wisest choices I've ever made.

I wish you the best with your situation,
Mike E.

---------------------------------------------------

Bob,

Thank you for your encouraging words. My mother-in-law still won't speak to me since I remarried last year (it's been almost 3 years since my late wife died). I hope that will change at some point, but it may never change. I think it would be harder if we lived in the same locale. So, what does a person do? You do the best you can with what you've got and move forward.

On a lighter note, my son and daughter-in-law had twins last night...a boy and a girl. It's really cool! I now officially feel old!

Mike E.