my father abused my 12 y/o cousin...and i still can't get over it

[thebarriers]

hey guys. i'm new here for the most part...

anyhow, 2 years ago, i found out my father who is around 50 molested my female cousin who was 12 at the time. they used to live near us, and come over quite often...now they no longer do. anyhow, i am still deeply hurt and hate my father for this. it amazes me how my other brother and sister are not as emotionally sensitive i guess, and can live in a house with him.

i constantly torture him in the form of cursing him out, telling him i hate him, and hitting him/slapping him when i get the chance sometimes.

how do i get over this? should i completely stop talking to him? i do talk to him sometimes, just so i could curse him out...because i know that hurts him. i'm not able to move on with my life or focus on the present and this in turn reminds me of my past in which i was molested by my cousin when i was 5-7 (he was 30).

i need help getting on with my life and getting over this. how?

[Aleksander Krstic]

Sending him love would be a great first step.

[Holistic Star]

This must be a horribly tough situation. I can't imagine how I would feel if I found out something similar about one of my parents. I'm not surprised that you feel angry and hurt and want to hurt him. However you recognise that you can't go on like this and the person you are hurting most is yourself.

There's two issues here. 1) What your father did, and 2) what you experienced as a child. It's likely that your siblings are able to move on more easily about your father, because they are not being triggered into remembering something painful that happened to them when they see your father.

It's likely that you are focusing all your anger on your father because that is less painful than focusing on your own feelings of hurt and betrayal about what your cousin did to you. Facing up to our own issues can be incredibly tough and it is easier to focus our energy on a similar issue so we don't have to delve to deeply into our own painful past. Would you be willing to look more deeply at what happened to you and come to terms with it?

You don't say how old you are and if you are still dependent on your parents. If you are an adult and have moved out, I would say go and book yourself some kind of therapy sessions to work on what happened to you. Once you start to process it for yourself, then you can start to process what your father did.

If you are still dependent on your parents and living at home, then if you can rather than shouting at your dad would be to sit down calmly and explain, the reason you are so angry at him for what he did, is because you experienced being on the receiving end from your cousin and you know from personal experience how damaging it can be. I'm guessing you haven't told anyone about this right? You've kept it all bottled up and suddenly all that betrayal and anger is spilling over? Does anyone in your family know what has happened to you?

Maybe you could ask your father to fund some therapy sessions for you to get over it. That way he can start to contribute to repairing the damage he has caused to his family.

[MiBeloved]

The main thing is that she has to move on, so if your advice is better and does that, then I am all for it.

[180]

I don't think any of us really know what she's going through.What if we found our father did that...wow I know in my heart I could never forgive him. It's not an easy transgression to live through. Molestation is so selfish and hurtful to an innocent child.

That's a hard thing to forgive. Even if you can't, you can certainly still love him and try to understand him.

It has been show scientifically that those with pedophile tendencies are wired in the brain. They have onsets of different areas of the brain that function that "normal" people don't have. Part of the reason people are pedophiles is because it's a primal instinctual inclination that has "gone awry". Naturally men prefer younger females because it signals fertility. But somewhere along the way, that instinct went into overdrive. Pedophiles can't be blamed for their instincts, or the needs or wants. Those are genetic. BUT he is responsible for not controlling his urges.

You could talk to your father about your real feelings. But it would be risky issue to tip toe around. This might sound wrong, but it might be easier to forget about him altogether. Move out and disassociate. Many people would disagree with me on this. But sometimes some issues cannot be resolved....

[rei]

hi, thebarriers,

i'm so sorry you're going through this. i have done professional counseling for folks in this situation, so i do have some idea of just how difficult it is.

it sounds like the disclosure about your father brought up the memories of what you went through yourself - and the little girl inside you is fighting back to make up for not feeling like she could before. you are sticking up for yourself, and that is actually a good thing.

but there is a chance your father was molested himself. these things are often cycles. your rage is definitely understandable, and i don't judge you for it, but it may also be that you are ready to work through a lot of the old feelings.

i don't know where you live, but i do know in the U.S. every state has at least one federally funded counseling center for individuals who have been sexually assaulted (which includes being molested). since these places are funded by the government, you can see a counselor for free. many of them also have groups you can join, so you can heal with others who understand exactly what you went through - who can remind you there is no reason to feel that shame. there may be crisis centers in other areas of the world as well, you could look in a phone book or call the local police to find out what is in your area.

so, it sounds like you're ready for some serious healing on this. the crisis center counselors are specifically experienced to help in this situation. they don't push you to go faster than you want to go, they work with you and want you to feel safe. i would definitely recommend finding out what is in your area that would be like this. you may want to find out about taking your cousin also, but the legal guardian would have to approve of it.

there is a stigma about this situation, as i'm sure you know. it could be the parents of your cousin don't know how to handle it, so they are in denial acting like it didn't happen. it may not be that they think their child is safe around him, it may be that they are so overwhelmed at the idea of what happened that the only thing they know to do to survive is to pretend it didn't happen. i just realized i may have misunderstood why you mentioned your brother and sister, since they would not be married. this would still apply to the parents of this cousin, if they aren't raising hell and finding out where the child can go to be helped.

i'm sorry you are dealing with this, and i hope you will locate the resources that will help you get through it.

[Alison Jenkins]

It sounds like you have been triggered back to when your cousin abused you and you have not had the help to deal with this. Also I wondered whether you have ever been able to sit and talk with your Dad about what actually happened. You may have heard the info through other sources.

As for your Dad you have tons of anger there, but is this helping you move forward? Have you tried writing a letter to him THAT YOU DO NOT SEND saying all the things you would like to tell him. Then burn it. I have found this has been really helpful with the big stuff

This may be of some help to you Letting Go Of Your Past – Have You? « A KNEW YOU

Alison

[thebarriers]

Originally Posted by Aleksander Krstic

Sending him love would be a great first step.

umm sending him LOVE? are you serious? why on earth would/should i do that? see, the thing with my father is that...if i do forgive him, and am nice towards him...he will think it is alright to abuse my other family members...for example my niece who is 13 now, and she is over quite often.

[thebarriers]

i read the posts people have written earlier in the day...and it seems like there are a few missing posts that i read before and that are gone now. i wonder why the person decided to delete them. anyway, it pretty much had to do with me 'accepting' my father's abuse towards my cousin because he may have been molested or abused when he was a child. and to that i say...i could give a damn less. being molested or abuse does not forgive anyone for doing what he did.

he must have done really terrible things to her...seeing as to how she couldn't go to school for an entire week...and would cry everyday for months.


yeah, i'm supposed to forgive him and see his side of the story?? helll no.

[ScorpioMinistry]

The way we feel about sex is irrational. Throughout history there've been childrens who were used for that purpose. The matrix isn't going to change or get dishonest just because we have rules.

A good way to forgive, would be to realize your irrational anger, is the same as his irrational need to molest your cousin. "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." symptom solving does nothing, the current sexual thinking rules are fighting the inevitabile

[thebarriers]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

This must be a horribly tough situation. I can't imagine how I would feel if I found out something similar about one of my parents. I'm not surprised that you feel angry and hurt and want to hurt him. However you recognise that you can't go on like this and the person you are hurting most is yourself.

There's two issues here. 1) What your father did, and 2) what you experienced as a child. It's likely that your siblings are able to move on more easily about your father, because they are not being triggered into remembering something painful that happened to them when they see your father.

It's likely that you are focusing all your anger on your father because that is less painful than focusing on your own feelings of hurt and betrayal about what your cousin did to you. Facing up to our own issues can be incredibly tough and it is easier to focus our energy on a similar issue so we don't have to delve to deeply into our own painful past. Would you be willing to look more deeply at what happened to you and come to terms with it?

You don't say how old you are and if you are still dependent on your parents. If you are an adult and have moved out, I would say go and book yourself some kind of therapy sessions to work on what happened to you. Once you start to process it for yourself, then you can start to process what your father did.

If you are still dependent on your parents and living at home, then if you can rather than shouting at your dad would be to sit down calmly and explain, the reason you are so angry at him for what he did, is because you experienced being on the receiving end from your cousin and you know from personal experience how damaging it can be. I'm guessing you haven't told anyone about this right? You've kept it all bottled up and suddenly all that betrayal and anger is spilling over? Does anyone in your family know what has happened to you?

Maybe you could ask your father to fund some therapy sessions for you to get over it. That way he can start to contribute to repairing the damage he has caused to his family.

Hey Star, thanks for the reply.

to answer your question...i am 22 years old. my parents don't really give me money. 1. because they don't have much money to give me since they really don't make much at all. 2 i don't work, so i'm pretty much living off loans :/ *shrug* i am currently in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist as well and am on mood stabilizers. ( i have bipolar disorder) i have told my sister and mother about being molested by my cousin...but they don't believe me. the thing is, my older brother does that believe that my father would do something like that...my mom thinks the same....that she 'over exaggerated' but that's such crap, because then why would she miss a week of school from the trauma??? my family is so lame, and they just like to push everything under the rug

[thebarriers]

Originally Posted by MiBeloved

The main thing is that she has to move on, so if your advice is better and does that, then I am all for it.

Mibeloved,

I read what you wrote earlier, and i completely disagree. i'm not sure if my father was molested or not...but i do know his mom died when he was 4, which prompted his father to marry another woman. they had kids, and apparently my father's stepmom was really mean/negligent towards her step children..

anyway, this does not give my father or any other man/woman to abuse little children. that's just nasty and so innapropriate

[thebarriers]

Originally Posted by ScorpioMinistry

The way we feel about sex is irrational. Throughout history there've been childrens who were used for that purpose. The matrix isn't going to change or get dishonest just because we have rules.

A good way to forgive, would be to realize your irrational anger, is the same as his irrational need to molest your cousin. "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." symptom solving does nothing, the current sexual thinking rules are fighting the inevitabile

i'm not really sure i understand what you're trying to say here...

[thebarriers]

Originally Posted by 180

I don't think any of us really know what she's going through.What if we found our father did that...wow I know in my heart I could never forgive him. It's not an easy transgression to live through. Molestation is so selfish and hurtful to an innocent child.

That's a hard thing to forgive. Even if you can't, you can certainly still love him and try to understand him.

It has been show scientifically that those with pedophile tendencies are wired in the brain. They have onsets of different areas of the brain that function that "normal" people don't have. Part of the reason people are pedophiles is because it's a primal instinctual inclination that has "gone awry". Naturally men prefer younger females because it signals fertility. But somewhere along the way, that instinct went into overdrive. Pedophiles can't be blamed for their instincts, or the needs or wants. Those are genetic. BUT he is responsible for not controlling his urges.

You could talk to your father about your real feelings. But it would be risky issue to tip toe around. This might sound wrong, but it might be easier to forget about him altogether. Move out and disassociate. Many people would disagree with me on this. But sometimes some issues cannot be resolved....

thanks 180, i appreciate your input.

well, the thing is...before i found out what he had done...my father would call me CONSTANTLY. he would call me at least 5 times a day to talk and see how i was doing ( probably because i was suicidal for a year by then so he wants to make sure i'm not dead). anyway, i told him never to call me again...and on the rare occasion i do go home ( i dorm at the university) i don't talk much to him...except when i curse him out for hours at a time. i know it emotionally drains him...but i do it anyway...because it makes me feel better to know i'm hurting him. and i know it hurts him to see his precious daughter so hurt. he still loves me i know that..but i don't care. he deserves a cruel daughter for being a cruel man.

[thebarriers]

Originally Posted by rei

hi, thebarriers,

i'm so sorry you're going through this. i have done professional counseling for folks in this situation, so i do have some idea of just how difficult it is.

it sounds like the disclosure about your father brought up the memories of what you went through yourself - and the little girl inside you is fighting back to make up for not feeling like she could before. you are sticking up for yourself, and that is actually a good thing.

but there is a chance your father was molested himself. these things are often cycles. your rage is definitely understandable, and i don't judge you for it, but it may also be that you are ready to work through a lot of the old feelings.

i don't know where you live, but i do know in the U.S. every state has at least one federally funded counseling center for individuals who have been sexually assaulted (which includes being molested). since these places are funded by the government, you can see a counselor for free. many of them also have groups you can join, so you can heal with others who understand exactly what you went through - who can remind you there is no reason to feel that shame. there may be crisis centers in other areas of the world as well, you could look in a phone book or call the local police to find out what is in your area.

so, it sounds like you're ready for some serious healing on this. the crisis center counselors are specifically experienced to help in this situation. they don't push you to go faster than you want to go, they work with you and want you to feel safe. i would definitely recommend finding out what is in your area that would be like this. you may want to find out about taking your cousin also, but the legal guardian would have to approve of it.

there is a stigma about this situation, as i'm sure you know. it could be the parents of your cousin don't know how to handle it, so they are in denial acting like it didn't happen. it may not be that they think their child is safe around him, it may be that they are so overwhelmed at the idea of what happened that the only thing they know to do to survive is to pretend it didn't happen. i just realized i may have misunderstood why you mentioned your brother and sister, since they would not be married. this would still apply to the parents of this cousin, if they aren't raising hell and finding out where the child can go to be helped.

i'm sorry you are dealing with this, and i hope you will locate the resources that will help you get through it.

hey Rei!
thanks, and i've been in therapy since i was 15...so 7 years of drugs/and talk therapy ...and i'm still having difficulty letting things go, such as my past.

[ScorpioMinistry]

The barriers,

I'm not sure how much free will we really have, if any at all. We can't be victims of a cycle that continues, ie he was molested so he molested, you were molested so you take it personally, your reaction may be hurting someone in a way you don't even realize. Don't think your situation is unique, I believe wholeheartedly in karma and reincarnation, and this anger with your father is your battlefield. Forgiveness is always the answer, you might find peace from this website near-death.com

[ssandra]

I can see how you are angry with him. What I don't understand.. is why this guy is not in jail??? He abused somebody! There are others in his immediate area who are at risk for being abused???

I can completely see how you cannot stand being close to him.

for your own sanity... file a report against your cousin. I don't know if it is too late, but at least let it be known to the police. Get closure on your own past, and heal your wounds.

Secondly... talk to your cousin or his/her parents if possible. Tell them that you are standing behind them if they want to go to the police, that you disagree with what your dad did, and that you will stand by them.

Thirdly, and especially if they don't want to go to the police.. give an anonimous tip to the child services to say that you know that your dad molested already one child and that other children are still visiting your house and are alone with him.

Fourth... Call the parents of the other 13 year old cousin to tell them about the risk of having their child coming over to this house...

And last: Move out. Get away from this toxic family and stand on your own 2 feet. You can do it. You will see it will be much more easy that you might think.


Anything to protect the children. Break the cycle.

Originally Posted by thebarriers

umm sending him LOVE? are you serious? why on earth would/should i do that? see, the thing with my father is that...if i do forgive him, and am nice towards him...he will think it is alright to abuse my other family members...for example my niece who is 13 now, and she is over quite often.

[rei]

Originally Posted by thebarriers

hey Rei!
thanks, and i've been in therapy since i was 15...so 7 years of drugs/and talk therapy ...and i'm still having difficulty letting things go, such as my past.

well, in my experience a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists aren't very well-versed in these dynamics - so it can actually help to see these specific counselors because they have experience in assisting people who have gone through this.

even people in the mental health world don't always respond as well as they could, which is one reason it can be helpful to look into seeing someone at a crisis center even if you already have someone you talk to.

a few of the clients i worked with also had psychiatrists and case managers (counselors), and they still came to the crisis center to focus on that specific aspect of their lives. so it is something to think about, but it is up to you.

i am able to pick up your anger right now... it's pouring off the computer screen. i know that may sound crazy, but it's happening. i'm sorry you have all that rage and i do hope you will be able to work through these feelings. not so you will forgive your family members - so you will come to a place where you no longer allow their actions to pull you into this angry feeling. so you can be free of that hold. good luck with this

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by ScorpioMinistry

I'm not sure how much free will we really have, if any at all. We can't be victims of a cycle that continues, ie he was molested so he molested, you were molested so you take it personally, your reaction may be hurting someone in a way you don't even realize.

You may not have a choice in feeling certain urges, or in being molested yourself and therefor feeling insecure and taking that out on children. BUT It is always your choice to take action on your urges.

If you feel you cannot control it, get help. Go to a psych to get over it or to learn how to deal with it.

There is NO excuse to abuse of a child. None at all!

[ScorpioMinistry]

Originally Posted by ssandra

You may not have a choice in feeling certain urges, or in being molested yourself and therefor feeling insecure and taking that out on children. BUT It is always your choice to take action on your urges.

If you feel you cannot control it, get help. Go to a psych to get over it or to learn how to deal with it.

There is NO excuse to abuse of a child. None at all!

Despite my egos best defense, I believe everything is predestined right down to the pen drop. If from the beginning of time everyone acted off of their highest desires, even if that highest desire is a defense, then that becomes the highest desire, then if you run the world over a million times you'll get the same results.

I do think we have control though on a vertical plane, where we can choose to forgive situations, and save stints of the future from happening.

[supertom]

"i'm done with this" is better than forgiveness. I think its important you let our cousin know you support her over your dad and empower your niece.

[ScorpioMinistry]

Originally Posted by supertom

"i'm done with this" is better than forgiveness.

There isn't one place in the cosmos, where the above is true

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by ScorpioMinistry

There isn't one place in the cosmos, where the above is true

There is in my universe...

You can forgive somebody, but still be bothered by it. Or still working trhough it. That is where being done with it is better.

[MiBeloved]

Originally Posted by thebarriers

Mibeloved,

I read what you wrote earlier, and i completely disagree. i'm not sure if my father was molested or not...but i do know his mom died when he was 4, which prompted his father to marry another woman. they had kids, and apparently my father's stepmom was really mean/negligent towards her step children..

anyway, this does not give my father or any other man/woman to abuse little children. that's just nasty and so innapropriate

I am sorry for the way I put that over before, no offence was intended. Sometimes you have to step aside from a bad situation and from irresponsible persons to move ahead and lead yourself away from negative vibrations. Otherwise in some cases you end up hurting yourself while trying to get at the other person or to make the other person realize a fault.

So is that worth it? Only you can decide that.

My main point is that you should do whatever is necessary for your own betterment and especially for your psychological well-being. If you can't correct the other person or bring that person to realize and make the necessary adjustments for the fault, then you might be hurting yourself when you become absorbed in the problem.

In consideration and thinking of your well-being, I feel that you should leave it aside and move on. Some other person or circumstance may effect the change in the person which you want, but if providence is not allowing you to do that, then recognize it and move away from it for your own sake.

[Mynder]

on the rare occasion i do go home ( i dorm at the university) i don't talk much to him...except when i curse him out for hours at a time. i know it emotionally drains him...but i do it anyway...because it makes me feel better to know i'm hurting him. and i know it hurts him to see his precious daughter so hurt. he still loves me i know that..but i don't care. he deserves a cruel daughter for being a cruel man.

This will not make things better for yourself. I think you know that. I know that we need to process our anger, and living it is one way to do it. However, you seem to be taking this to extremes...and that goes into a downward spiral.

Don't focus on what you don't want. The more you focus on something, an event or emotions like anger, the more powerful they get. Focus on what you want, instead. On who you want to be. Give more power to that, and let the past get less and less say about how you act and react.

You are a good person. Is being cruel to your father worth destroying yourself over? Do you really want to give him this kind of power over your life and future? Your statement above implies that your cruelty towards him makes you feel powerful...but what is the power that drives you to do it in the first place? Who does it belong to? You? Your father? Your older cousin?

What would it take to cut loose and not be drawn into this again and again and again?

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by rei

well, in my experience a lot of psychologists and psychiatrists aren't very well-versed in these dynamics - so it can actually help to see these specific counselors because they have experience in assisting people who have gone through this.

even people in the mental health world don't always respond as well as they could, which is one reason it can be helpful to look into seeing someone at a crisis center even if you already have someone you talk to.

a few of the clients i worked with also had psychiatrists and case managers (counselors), and they still came to the crisis center to focus on that specific aspect of their lives. so it is something to think about, but it is up to you.

i am able to pick up your anger right now... it's pouring off the computer screen. i know that may sound crazy, but it's happening. i'm sorry you have all that rage and i do hope you will be able to work through these feelings. not so you will forgive your family members - so you will come to a place where you no longer allow their actions to pull you into this angry feeling. so you can be free of that hold. good luck with this

I agree with rei. If a priority issue to work through is the child sexual abuse, then I would highly recommend seeing a specialist counsellor, or at the very least, a therapist who has experience working with trauma... particularly as you are having to come to terms with the things your father has done, which you yourself have survived. I totally get your anger, btw, you are allowed to feel like this, and I understand that forgivness might be a long way off, if possible at all.

[wido1982]

Your hatred for your father is consuming you! Yes, it was wrong for him to do that, but you will feel much better once you are capable of forgiving him. And I don't just mean saying 'I'm sorry' to him. You really have to forgive him on your inside. This is very hard, but it will set you free!

[The Unconquered]

Originally Posted by thebarriers

umm sending him LOVE? are you serious? why on earth would/should i do that? see, the thing with my father is that...if i do forgive him, and am nice towards him...he will think it is alright to abuse my other family members...for example my niece who is 13 now, and she is over quite often.

He's 100% correct.

Don't believe me?

[Mynder]

Originally Posted by The Unconquered

He's 100% correct.

Don't believe me?

I think under the circumstances you should elaborate a bit more. I, at least, couldn't safely ascertain who "is right" in your opinion.

[The Unconquered]

Originally Posted by Mynder

I think under the circumstances you should elaborate a bit more. I, at least, couldn't safely ascertain who "is right" in your opinion.

Ok. The guy drugged and molested me. Then, like in too many cases, he persuaded people that I was to blame. And since this is a common pattern in my life ("You're to blame for my own lifelong dysfunction") I bought into it for a long time. Hence, the PTSD/depression/anxiety.

It's hard to establish the exact process I took, but realizing that I was trying to make sense out of senseless events really helped me heal. The events themselves were meaningless and in the past. The memories of those events were what held me back. When I realized that I can change the meaning of the memories, I realized I can finally let them go, and quit blaming the guy for ruining my life.

The blame goes on forever. I could be angry at him, my dysfunctional family, my circumstances -- there is so much blame to go around that if I went around blaming everyone I couldn't live my own life. So the blame has turned into compassion. And I am finally able to send love to the guy and everyone. Oddly, around the time this happiness happened, I read a rather similar story Erin posted -- although last time I checked, the guy in my case is still alive. Erin's similar story shows to me that while the details are different, the pain is the same.