my father abused my 12 y/o cousin...and i still can't get over it

[Marko500]

Originally Posted by thebarriers

hey guys. i'm new here for the most part...

anyhow, 2 years ago, i found out my father who is around 50 molested my female cousin who was 12 at the time. they used to live near us, and come over quite often...now they no longer do. anyhow, i am still deeply hurt and hate my father for this. it amazes me how my other brother and sister are not as emotionally sensitive i guess, and can live in a house with him.

i constantly torture him in the form of cursing him out, telling him i hate him, and hitting him/slapping him when i get the chance sometimes.

how do i get over this? should i completely stop talking to him? i do talk to him sometimes, just so i could curse him out...because i know that hurts him. i'm not able to move on with my life or focus on the present and this in turn reminds me of my past in which i was molested by my cousin when i was 5-7 (he was 30).

i need help getting on with my life and getting over this. how?

I'm sorry for everything that you experienced, such things are really terrible...

I can not even imagine how I'd acted in a similar situation. I can tell you "what should be" but I do not know if I acted in such a way in a similar situation. Because I do not think I can give you appropriate advice.

[DerekMB]

I would say disowning would be the most sensible and practical thing you can do... sorry for your pain.

[KaleidoskopicVision]

Originally Posted by thebarriers

i'm not really sure i understand what you're trying to say here...

He's trying to say pedophilia is okay and our society has it backwards. What do you think?

The best thing to do in your situation, is to live with it. Make everyone aware of your father's choices so that they know his tendencies. Awareness is the best prevention. If everyone knows he is a pedophile, everyone will tread differently around him. People will probably not leave children alone with him and will watch him around places children are.

In my opinion, sending him love will work if his actions come from a place of shame and repression (if he was molested as a child and is carrying on the scars). If his actions are coming from a place of hunger for power and control (different than grasping for power/control out of helpless feelings from shame), then sending him love will only feed him and is a useless exercise. Usually very high powered people will be the type involved in the latter.

And for the record, I was sexually abused when I was very young and have dealt with it as best as I could. I went through a period of feeling pedophilic urges myself and this was before I accepted what had happened to me (I have never acted on these urges). My subconscious was projecting what had happened to me because I wasn't dealing with it. It was not easy to work through and I'm still doing so, but I have relieved much of the shame and no longer find myself projecting that pain. I have a feeling your father is going through the same situation and has become stuck at the projection stage. Pedophilia is a pain that can be passed through generations. I had found out that my father's grandfather had been molested and had probably molested my father. I'm making the choice to break the chain. Anyone can choose to break the chain, though most don't make that choice. They repress the memories and let them fester, until they surface in the same twisted way their molester's urges did.

[votoshka]

Whoa! What I want to know is why he is not in prison?? Surely it's not okay to molest a 12 year old girl and get away with it? This man should not have custody of his own children, and nor should he have any contact with other young girls.

I believe this would be an extremely difficult thing to get over! In fact, if it were my dad, I doubt I'd ever forgive him. I think I'd cut him out of my life forever and be done with him.

I do understand that pedophilia is something a person can't "help" but they CAN DECIDE not to act on their urges. Once they've acted on those urges, they are criminals, pure and simple. There is just no excuse for molesting a child and ruining his or her life!

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by votoshka

Whoa! What I want to know is why he is not in prison?? Surely it's not okay to molest a 12 year old girl and get away with it? This man should not have custody of his own children, and nor should he have any contact with other young girls.

Exactly what I am thinking this entire thread..

I don't know if I could forgive my dad if I would find something like this... Maybe, just maybe if it would be me, but if it would have been some one else?? I don't think so....

I could get over it, probably, I could deal with it, probably... but forgive..? I'm not sure...

[lifetimelearner]

If feel so badly for all the children that get molested
their lives will never be the same
that man should be in jail !
pedophiles do not change their stripes -EVER!

you have the right to your anger but at some point it can be harmful to you -so my suggestion for you is to work on that

and once again
I am sorry

[The Unconquered]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Exactly what I am thinking this entire thread..

I don't know if I could forgive my dad if I would find something like this... Maybe, just maybe if it would be me, but if it would have been some one else?? I don't think so....

I could get over it, probably, I could deal with it, probably... but forgive..? I'm not sure...

Forgiveness is the only way to sanity in this sort of situation.

"Forgiveness, as defined here, is different from the way most of us have been trained to understand it. Forgiveness does not meaning assuming a position of superiority and putting up with or tolerating behavior in another person that we do not like. Forgiveness means correcting our misperception that the other person harmed us."

-- from Love Is Letting Go of Fear

BTW, I have been told father/stepfather molestation is the most common and also the most underreported type, for reasons that are easy to understand if you think about it. Most sexual abuse comes from people we know, not strangers jumping out of bushes. Once I began sharing my story, I was shocked at first to see seemingly normal, well-adjusted people tell me that their father/stepfather/cousin/(ex)boyfriend did something horrible and either 1) they were told they would be killed if they ever told or 2) they were discredited because the abuser had a form of power and/or influence that they did not have. I personally was in the latter group.

[votoshka]

But why forgive? I don't believe I could forgive it... Maybe I'm just not consciously developed enough for that yet! I think there are some things that should not be forgiven.

Unless you feel that only by true forgiveness can you truly be free of it?

But at the same time, to me forgiveness means letting it go entirely, which would then be to completely accept the situation, and to do that seems to me giving in to it and making it "okay" which it isn't.

[Paulineabc]

I would find it very difficult to live with abusive parents, and I would never live in the same house with someone I hated so much. It would really not be good for my mental and physical well-being. I would move out and make a life of my own. But I am not sure if this would work for you.

[Andrew Gubb]

Nice thread. I'm into The Unconquered's posts here especially. And Rei is an angel, of course

I'm working through some old pain with my father recently too. Not the same pain, but it was strong when it happened. Released a LOT in the last 2 or so years, but there's still digging to do.

My own contribution to this discussion would be to say that you should start with remembering that it's OK to feel as you feel, first of all. Give you time feeling it without even thinking about changing it. Just let it be. Then you can go into it and ask it if it wants to try expressing itself differently - ask the energy if it can serve its function in a way that is more harmonious with your being. I've been doing this recently, it works. (I can credit some inspiration to Rei on this).

And as The Unconquered said, you can come to love and forgiveness in the end, but it might not be what people told you it is. Perhaps you need to put your foot down with your father and you can do this while loving him. Perhaps love is something else. Love is many things. But if you're coming from a place of unlove, you're very constricted in your options about what to do. When you're putting your foot down out of hate, that's the hate talking, and it controls you. You can't know whether it's the right thing to do or not, because you don't really have a choice in what to do, when hate is talking. And hate tends just to propagate more pain, anyway.

Andrew

[aelle]

Originally Posted by votoshka

Whoa! What I want to know is why he is not in prison?? Surely it's not okay to molest a 12 year old girl and get away with it? This man should not have custody of his own children, and nor should he have any contact with other young girls.

I don't know the details of the OP's story, but molestation, when it's not legally considered rape, can be punished with surprisingly short prison sentences. And then the guy is let back in the world, and you have to deal with the same issues as if he'd never been put away.

I'm with Andrew and Unconquered here. Although, keep in mind that loving does not mean submitting to any behavior. And forgiving does not mean forgetting.

[Vibration]

Originally Posted by thebarriers

hey guys. i'm new here for the most part...

anyhow, 2 years ago, i found out my father who is around 50 molested my female cousin who was 12 at the time. they used to live near us, and come over quite often...now they no longer do. anyhow, i am still deeply hurt and hate my father for this. it amazes me how my other brother and sister are not as emotionally sensitive i guess, and can live in a house with him.

i constantly torture him in the form of cursing him out, telling him i hate him, and hitting him/slapping him when i get the chance sometimes.

how do i get over this? should i completely stop talking to him? i do talk to him sometimes, just so i could curse him out...because i know that hurts him. i'm not able to move on with my life or focus on the present and this in turn reminds me of my past in which i was molested by my cousin when i was 5-7 (he was 30).

i need help getting on with my life and getting over this. how?

thebarriers:

First of all, stop hitting him and cursing him out. This is silly - it doesn't accomplish anything. It might hurt him for a few minutes, but he'll get over it, and you will just keep getting mad.

If you really want to do something that will help both him and you, report him to the authorities. What he did is illegal in most places, especially in the United States. Your father needs some serious help, and if he doesn't get it, he will do this again with someone else when the opprotunity presents itself, and again, and again....

You screaming at him and hitting him probably makes him think you are going to try to settle this outside of the law, which is a big relief to him; he knows the authorities have the power to put an end to this, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to get in trouble; who doesn't?

He believes he can rehabilitate himself and not do it again, but this is wrong! If he he could control himself that well, he wouldn't have committed the offence in the first place; he knew what he was doing was wrong when he did it, but he did it anyway. He needs professional help. He is a sex offender.

I know this is harsh, but think about it this way. If you feel this badly about it now, think how you'll feel when he does this again to someone else; how will you feel then, knowing you could have done something to prevent it, but you didn't?

Report him to the police, like now!!!

[The Unconquered]

Originally Posted by votoshka

But why forgive? I don't believe I could forgive it... Maybe I'm just not consciously developed enough for that yet! I think there are some things that should not be forgiven.

Unless you feel that only by true forgiveness can you truly be free of it?

But at the same time, to me forgiveness means letting it go entirely, which would then be to completely accept the situation, and to do that seems to me giving in to it and making it "okay" which it isn't.

It bears repeating:

"Forgiveness means correcting our misperception that the other person harmed us."

You're a spiritual being having a physical experience. You are unlimited -- you just forgot. Thou art God. At the very core of you, there is nothing that touch you. Nothing can be hurt, molested, or harmed at your core.

I am not saying what these cretins do is right or OK. What I am saying is that you essentially have 2 choices:

1. Let the pain destroy you.
2. Let the pain transform you.

It's really up to you. BTW, ignoring the pain is equivalent to choice 1.