The Inadequacy of Grief

[The Cloud]

A couple of weeks ago I lost my younger brother to a freak accident. If you've ever lost someone close to you, you know what I mean when I say that it doesn't feel real. If that has happened to you, you have also undoubtedly been told to take comfort in your good memories of the person. I saw and heard everyone expounding on the good of my brother, as if he was a saint, and completely ignoring what he really was. It's like people have to lie to themselves to make themselves feel better about the dead person, as if they have some kind of awful guilt about how they treated and thought about him in life. "He was a great person," they say.

He wasn't great. He was often flawed and annoying and boring and awful to be around, and I treated him more badly than he deserved at times. But he was my brother, and those things made him that as much as anything else, and I don't see why people feel the need to tear him down and destroy him like that just so they can build a marble Adonis of him in their minds. It hurts me to see people desecrate themselves like that through their memory of him.

But I don't know what to do, either. The grieving process, in it's popular form, is stupid and inadequate. It consists of summoning a memory or an expectation of the lost loved one, feeling trapped by the feeling that it can't be real that they're dead but it's not real that they're alive, and then crying a bunch, ad nauseam. I figured out pretty quick that this is stupid, so I tried another approach. I tried to disconnect emotionally from my memories of and hopes for my brother. I don't mean forget them, I mean to forget the meaning they had. He is dead, he doesn't exist, and so those meanings don't exist any longer either. It sounds awful, it's like erasing the value that I attached to him as if it never existed, but it seemed like the only alternative to the pointless activity of summoning memories in an effort to mentally force them into reality.

But even though I don't have to cry anymore, it's not quite right. I don't know what else to do, or what other meaning there could be, but to massacre the value that I held for him is not the solution. So I'm stuck, because no matter which way I go I find that both ways are wrong. I'm not going to go back to crying over him; if I have anything to do with it, I will never cry about my brother again. But I'm not going to remain stuck with the alternative of destroying value, because if it were right to do for the dead, then what is there to stop me from doing it to the living?

So I'm asking if there is anybody who has had an alternative experience and has truly gotten over the death of a loved one. I don't mean that you only cry about them once a year on their birthday or something like that, I mean truly and honestly are over their death. I'm not a tremendously emotional person, and this episode has reminded me why; because most emotions are garbage. They are the results of false beliefs and false expectations, and generally encourage stupid and harmful activities, at least in my own personal experience. They don't need to be gotten rid of, but there's no good reason to take them seriously. So please don't tell me I need to keep crying till I get over it, unless you can support that with a really good reason that I should. I'm sick to death of that kind of mushy false lovey-dovey crud, and would really rather do without it if you please. I guess I'm still a little sore that I let it take me in for the time that it did.

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

So I'm asking if there is anybody who has had an alternative experience and has truly gotten over the death of a loved one.

I have never faced that situation before. But seeing as how I dislike my very negative family and want them out of my life as soon as possible, I imagine it wouldn't effect me very much.

If a close friend died, then maybe. But my spiritual beliefs tell me "well they're just off somewhere else still alive", so I wouldn't consider them "dead" anyways.

The only thing I have as an example is when a past girlfriend of mine overdosed on drugs and her friend took her to the hospital. They say she almost died, but it didn't effect me emotionally at all, because the whole time I was thinking "she's not gonna die you dumb asses, her soul will just go somewhere else. Death isn't real" so, I suppose that's how I would handle an actual death of someone.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I guess I'm still a little sore that I let it take me in for the time that it did.

You're feeling guilty that you don't know how to handle the situation. I can relate. You think you should be able to not be effected by the situation, but you are, then you feel guilty about it.

Just accept the situation as it is, and that you don't have all the answers at this moment. In essence, forgive yourself.

[Lamusa]

I lost my Mother about two years ago and all I have to say is that dealing with the death of a loved one is a process. It's been quite an emotional roller coaster for me and I'm sure, as with all things, it's never the same for everybody. I am in no way over her death but I find new meaning in it all the time as well as ways to appreciate our new relationship. Be patient with yourself and allow your brother's death to open up new pathways for you to live your best life. I mean what else can you do, right? I do feel annoyed at times by my own self-pity, rage or when I find myself crying over her when I know it can't bring her back. In some ways the process can really accelerate your growth as a human being if you let it. Their are no reliable road maps, here, everybody's path is so unique. One main insight I have had since her death is that it only served to amplify the ways I have felt throughout my life. I was no longer numb to the fact that for most of my life, due to various reasons and long before her death I was living and acting from a place of grief.

The most adequate thing you can do is try to enjoy yourself (in ways that support your growth) as much as you can and if you have really tight, understanding friends ask that they give you time to just breathe and find your way through this with their support. Counseling also helps a lot. Find ways to laugh to just release the tension. I'm not an avid TV watcher but I can't tell you how much really tasteless reality TV got me to just laugh and feel a little better at points when I felt at my lowest. I wish you all the best.

[Mynder]

He wasn't great. He was often flawed and annoying and boring and awful to be around, and I treated him more badly than he deserved at times. But he was my brother, and those things made him that as much as anything else, and I don't see why people feel the need to tear him down and destroy him like that just so they can build a marble Adonis of him in their minds. It hurts me to see people desecrate themselves like that through their memory of him.

So he was human. I'm flawed and annoying and boring and awful to be around at times. Other times, I have better days. Still, there are people who think I'm a great person, and I'm sure there are people who would say the same about your brother. Or you. Or anybody else.

If you're angry about all the emotional, mushy stuff and would rather leave it all behind...go ahead. The deeper you bury it, the longer it'll stay with you. But anger is a way of coping, too, so you're still moving ahead somehow.

You don't just "get over it and go back to routine".

Lastly...we mourn not for the sakes of those who die, but for ourselves. Use what is useful to you, and discard what is not. Allow others to do the same, and try not to judge them too harshly for choosing ways that you currently find disgusting.

If you want to take a mostly unemotional approach...think about how you saw your brother. Make a list of all the bad characteristics he showed towards you, and make a list for yourself about what you want to do differnent in your life (so far as you're not already living that).

That way, you will honor your brother's "teachings" to you (even where he taught by being a "bad example"), and can bring some meaningful change into the world, and thus give your brother's life meaning, too.

Take this in any way you choose. It's just a thought that came up when reading your post.

[Karanime]

Why do you need to do something about it?

You once told me if you can't say completely yes or completely no, then making the decision won't benefit you. You're stuck because you think you have to make a decision. But making the decision won't do anything at all.

You're already okay. There was never a time where you weren't. There's nothing else you need to do except for what you would have done anyway.

/<3

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Karanime

Why do you need to do something about it?

You once told me if you can't say completely yes or completely no, then making the decision won't benefit you. You're stuck because you think you have to make a decision. But making the decision won't do anything at all.

You're already okay. There was never a time where you weren't. There's nothing else you need to do except for what you would have done anyway.

/<3

Thanks for being right.

[joelr]

People have told me in different ways that you are free to change your thoughts anytime but when I was grieving from loss I just had to deal with a lot of pain. I tried different approaches like ignoring the emotions, crying a lot, whatever. Exploring spirituality gave comfort but it didn't fix the despair, I just had to wait it out.
I masked my feelings for 6 months but when I stopped I had to pick up where I left off but with the added problem of fighting addiction, a depleated savings and an eviction (hey Mom, I'm coming for a visit...)

I take 1 day at a time and if I have to cry then so be it.