A long journey and looking for the path ahead

[piggywu]

A brief background of myself:
age 27/f.
was a shy, quiet kind of girl as a child. i could easily be taken advantage of and wouldn't say anything. never really stood up for myself. my father passed away when i was 12. i spent 4 years with him everyday when he was dealing with cancer. he made me happy and cheered me up with whatever he could do. I tried to do the same, give him strength to fight his illness. After he passed away, my mother was depressed for years, my brother and I rebeled, skipped school, did drugs, and went out with friends a lot.
my first actual boyfriend was one of my brother's friend. we talked on the phone often and we stayed up together flirting after partying. we kissed and weeks down the line, we slept together. we were together for 3 years. i continued to go finish highschool and went to college. started to reconnect with friends and decided i should break up with him because i had a crush on someone else. i knew we were out of love then.
started hanging out with other people. met another one of my brother's friend. we started hanging out, had fun and i started to like him. though my brother was very upset that time, i had no idea what to do and only recall saying, this is hard, nothing can come of us.
he withdrew from me, i slept with someone else, the someone else withdrew from me. i decided to leave for university in another province. completed my degree, went to japan, came back home and entered education. started talking and hanging out with a gf's friend. got to know him and shortly after, he said he was moving to another country. we decided to go with the flow. after he moved, it was hard for me to do long distance, i didnt have enough trust in him, i didnt understand how we come be together, shortly after, i broke up with him.
was in depression for 1 yr, was not able to pick myself up until i finally decided to get a temporary job and led to being a TA. i decided to go back to school, met some other crushes, but was hurt again because there was no return. while doing practicum, a good friend stood by me. I was not attracted to him, he confronted me that he liked me. and i did not have a response. some how, got reconnected to the guy i hung out with 8 years ago that nothing could have stemmed. i slept with him, but he said he had a gf. I dropped him, but he kept coming back. he wanted to continue to be friends and occassionally, making moves on me. I had to give him ultimatums. Either her or me. when he said he broke it off with her, he said he needed time, and i gave him time, until finally, time was up, he said fine. we were boyfriend/girlfriend.
but his ex was invited to his sister's wedding and that night, they went back to his place together. i saw and he sent me a text saying, he was goign to sleep at his uncles, i replied, "thank you for the lie, i was in front of ur house, have a good night"
he came to me and explained, it was not what i thought. she was too drunk to drive home. somehow we worked that through.
after that, we hung out everyday, he was layed off from his job, I was inbetween school and found a part time job.
second time around, he was in contact with her by text/bbm. i finally said, we should just be friends ... he agreed. i moved on. went out with friends, met another guy who was very caring of my feelings and was there for me emotionally. we started hanging out and grew closer. but my ex kept calling and was demanding to know where i was and with whom. I did not tell him.
finally, we met up and he wanted to hang out, etc. I didn't know what to do. i had the really caring guy waiting for me. and then the one night, i had to tell my ex to stop bothering me. he had to let me go because i have feelings for someone else. he was upset to the point of a heart ache and headache. he convinced me that i was vulnerable and the dude is just trying to take advantage. he didnt want to let me go. i didnt want to let him go either. we worked really hard on it. finally, i let the other one go and he gave up.

since then, boyfriend started treating me better, with love. he took a vacatoin with his mother and called me everyday. when he came back, we spent everyday together. i had prepared for practicum, but when that started, my heart/mind was not fully there. i had a thought that during school, he would do something else or go to someone else.

when we were together, he hardly saw his friends anymore. i only met 2 of his friends that weren't his crowd that were his age. they were younger.

he introduced me to his family, gave me keys to his place (but he lives with his family)

i tried to put my mind into practicum, there was so much to do, but during that time, he didnt quite care about what i had to do. he was just there and i had to worry so much if he wasnt there. my days were hard, i had to go in and prepare, then come back to him and see him sleeping, i wasnt able to concentrate. when i called him, he was either sleeping or out with his friend eating.

i told him i just needed him there, and his support. i'm not sure if it was there.

soon, it felt like i had to choose between school or him, and thinking back about 8 years ago, i chose him. i wanted to quit because i was not fully there, but i didnt know how to deal with it. he said either way, it was my decision. so, i quit, but i felt like it was such a bad decision. i was very sad, i couldnt accomplish what i was set out to do.

he is doing his course, i told him i need to work on myself and that i hope i wasnt distracting him, he doesnt have time for me either.

now it feels like, he'll call whenever, i go over and he's sleeping, we're not talking much, we're distanting, i'm lost, he's fed up with me.

so, what do i do? i cant continue with my program unless i start all over, which is 2 years program.

he seems to be out of love with me

he probably loves his ex and will go back with her

i dont know what i like to do anymore. i am holding a part time job.

i feel very alone and people probably talked about how i tried to "steal" him away, or i am crazy....

which i feel like it ...

please help me....

[Misscpb]

Hi

It sounds as though it is time for you to become independent, loving yourself first and being reliant on yourself instead of finding that with a partner. Sometimes in life you have to let things/situations or people go, so the new can come in. Otherwise you end up repeating cycles over and over again.

See it as a new start in your life, yes you will grieve and that is only natural with the end of any relationship. Maybe its time for you to move on and start to enjoy yourself and life again. Have a look at the book "Divine Prescriptions" by Doreen Virtue.

I wish you all the best.

[angies]

You can start again. 27 is still young to start your course again. 2 years go very fast. Only this time make sure you are doing this for yourself and not quiting for any reason or any one. As for your bf, let him go. Take care of yourself and your future, don't worry about what he does and does not do. Let him take care of his life and you take care of your life.

Try to be on your own for a while at least until you finish your course. It will be hard after having one partner after another but it will help you to grow so much better being on your own.