on being tall - seeking help

[inner haven]

I'm a tall woman. 5'10" or 178 cm. I live in one of the tallest countries in the world, but I am still much taller than average.

I have some conflicting emotions about this. On one hand, I find women my height beautiful. On the other hand, when I stand next to people and I'm taller than them, especially when they are men, I feel uncomfortable in my body. I think for years I was able to deal with this fine. I even wore boots with 2" heels, but lately, and strangely since most things have gotten better for me with age, I've noticed this on my mind and I don't want it there. (I've also noticed my peers are shrinking. I practice yoga and dislike bad posture, so I stand straight, while the people around me are slumping into their thirties.) I have friends that are 5' tall and when I stand next to them, I feel like a freak.

I don't like that my mind wastes time on such things. I'd be happier feeling good in my own body. But, my mind goes there so I'm trying to deal with it and this seems like an intelligent, kind, and helpful community, so what better place to come?

I think perhaps my height doesn't match my true self. Whatever that means. Maybe I think that tall people seem powerful, and I don't align myself with that. I'm not sure. I'd like to go through life not sticking out (literally and figuratively).

Thank you in advance for any help with this.

[Angela]

Hi and welcome to the forums!

Originally Posted by inner haven

I'd like to go through life not sticking out

What would that provide for you?

[inner haven]

Thank you for replying, Angela.

I had to think about my answer, and I'm still not sure, but the first thing that came to mind was that I don't want to be seen/known for my flaws. I just want to be average-looking and unflawed and not stick out. Socially and interactively, I also don't want to stick out. I like to be quiet and observant, thinking my own way through things. I'm inconsistent though because I do love to make people laugh even when it's a group of people suddenly looking at me.

[Angela]

What would happen if people could see and know your flaws?

If they couldn't see or know your flaws (if they were to see you as flawless), would they still be able to laugh with you?

[inner haven]

When I think about people seeing and knowing my physical flaws I feel uncomfortable. I am unable to hide my height, which I see as a flaw, but my other physical flaws, I think I keep at least somewhat hidden. Even with the height thing, I notice myself sitting down more often than others in social settings.

Thinking about people seeing and knowing my non-physical flaws does not bother me nearly as much. These are most often the subject of my attempts at humour. I'm quite okay not being the smartest person in the room, but I don't want to be the tallest.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by inner haven

When I think about people seeing and knowing my physical flaws I feel uncomfortable. I am unable to hide my height, which I see as a flaw, but my other physical flaws, I think I keep at least somewhat hidden.

Are all tall people flawed, or is it just you? Should tall people hide their tallness?

[inner haven]

No, I don't think tall people are flawed for being tall, but I feel I am flawed for being so tall and I don't know how to feel differenly. If I see a woman my height who looks happy, I feel better for a moment, but then it goes away when I'm in another situation where I'm tallest. (In my mind this seems like such a petty thing to talk about, but it bothers me so much.)

[Angela]

Originally Posted by inner haven

No, I don't think tall people are flawed for being tall, but I feel I am flawed for being so tall and I don't know how to feel differenly. If I see a woman my height who looks happy, I feel better for a moment, but then it goes away when I'm in another situation where I'm tallest. (In my mind this seems like such a petty thing to talk about, but it bothers me so much.)

What's the difference? In your perspective about your own height, I mean, contrasted with your beliefs about another tall woman's height? What's different about you that your tallness is a flaw and hers isn't?

p.s.... I don't think resolving uncomfortable feelings, and getting yourself to feel good, free, and present to new choice and opportunity is petty -- I think it's momentous and fabulous.

[gigij]

I can guarantee that no one else is looking at you and thinking – omg look how tall she is!! 5’ 10” is not all that tall you know – I know a couple of ladies that are over 6’.
If it’s any consolation most short women envy you. I’m 5’ 10” and I get comments all the time about how nice I look in jeans cause of my long legs. How I can wear anything and it looks good. Throw on a short skirt and some heels and look out! You have to own it. Nothing is more attractive than confidence. If you are standing around slouching your shoulders and trying to shrink yourself that’s gonna show. This is who you are so play it up and be confident.

So I’m a woman who is your height and happy about it! Btw – my hubby is 5’ 8 ½” – and he loves my height too.

[inner haven]

Originally Posted by Angela

What's the difference? In your perspective about your own height, I mean, contrasted with your beliefs about another tall woman's height? What's different about you that your tallness is a flaw and hers isn't?

These are tough questions. Thank you for taking the time to ask them.

I think when I think that another woman's height is okay, I have a bunch of thoughts in my head all at once that go something like this:

"Yeah, she's tall, but she's otherwise flawless, so it's okay."
"Yeah, she's tall, but she loves attention, so it's okay."
"Yeah, she's tall, but her boyfriend is two feet taller, so she's actually kinda short, so it's okay."
"Yeah, she's tall, but she has a sweet close-knit family, so it's okay."
"Yeah, she's tall, but she doesn't look like she cares, so it's okay."

[inner haven]

Originally Posted by gigij

So I’m a woman who is your height and happy about it!

Thank you, gigij, I do hear what you're saying. I really don't know what is wrong with me! It must be something quite deep. I'm certain without seeing you that you're stunning, and the weirdest thing about that is that you are describing physical characteristics that we share. (I'm lean with long legs and I'm told clothes hang well on me.) I never slouch because... well... I could go on about that for hours, but let's just say I don't like slouching.

I'm also perfectly okay being tall as long as no one else is around or everyone is as tall or taller, but I realize that's kind of a silly thing to say. Like I said, I don't know what is wrong with me!

[gigij]

And I'm sure you are stunning - you just don't see it.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Pretty young?

Funny you should say that you are OK as long as everyone else is taller - because like I said my hubby is shorter - and he is the tallest one in his family! So around them I'm always the tallest - lol.
Both my sons are over 6' though - got that from me. My daughter (15) only made it to 5' 6 1/2" and is absolutely horrified that she is so 'short'. So it all depends on perspective I guess.
I do know where you are coming from though. I actually have had the comment "wow - your taller than your husband - what did you do for your wedding pictures?"
Well - we took them standing beside each other like everyone else - lol. Is it something we should be hiding?
I don't really know how to help you though - except to say that maybe if you are young that you will grow into yourself - I mean that confidence wise.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by inner haven

"Yeah, she's tall, but she's otherwise flawless, so it's okay."
"Yeah, she's tall, but she loves attention, so it's okay."
"Yeah, she's tall, but her boyfriend is two feet taller, so she's actually kinda short, so it's okay."
"Yeah, she's tall, but she has a sweet close-knit family, so it's okay."
"Yeah, she's tall, but she doesn't look like she cares, so it's okay."

Wow, you can tell all that about a woman's inner life just by looking at her?

[rei]

i think this quote from Marianne Williamson will speak to what is going on for you here...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3])

now that i read it more closely, it seems to fit in more ways than i thought...

[inner haven]

Your replies have helped me, Gigij. Thank you for writing them.

I'm in my thirities, but I feel much younger when I am writing these posts, so I can see why you'd think I was young. I will get better and keep growing - but not vertically, please! - into myself. This height thing just remains an issue for whatever reason, but I'll keep working on it. I used to wear boots with 2" heels in my teens, so maybe that more confident woman is in there still. She was definitely braver in a lot of other ways too.

[gigij]

Originally Posted by rei

now that i read it more closely, it seems to fit in more ways than i thought...

well it gave me goosebumps ... i love it when that happens

[inner haven]

Originally Posted by Angela

Wow, you can tell all that about a woman's inner life just by looking at her?

When I'm having these thoughts, I'm aware that I'm not seeing things correctly or fairly, but the thoughts come like that. What I wrote above is as close as I can get to transcribing what's going on in my crazy head.

[gigij]

Originally Posted by inner haven

so maybe that more confident woman is in there still. She was definitely braver in a lot of other ways too.

Ah - so maybe the height isn't really the issue after all? Maybe it's just something to focus on - when really it's something else?

I'm going through a little of that myself with another issue ... which is why I mention it. I've been focusing on an issue that seems 'all consuming' - but in fact is just a 'scapegoat' for a lot of other stuff I should be working on. Kind of a distraction to keep my attention away from the really big stuff.

But maybe I'm just projecting ... don't take offense.

[inner haven]

Thank you, rei. That quote was read to me sometime recently - can't remember where - but your timing is perfect. I needed the refresher since I don't think I took it in the first time hardly at all and the words are resonating with me today instead.

[WakingLife]

Maybe consider that the people who are considerably shorter are also uncomfortable with how short they are, thinking 'Wow, I'm so short and little, I wish I were taller!'

The problem is not the height, it is the perception of it.

[Captain Drywall]

I cried because i had no shoes.
Then, i meet someone with no feet.

Although this would fix the problem. I think we are suppose to be happy with what we have.

[Cochonette]

Have you tried meditation? When I have a persistent thought that bugs me, one thing that often helps is meditation. Meditation makes you more aware of your thoughts, so when the thought arises, you just notice, "Hey, it's that thought again." Then you let it go. So when you start thinking you're too tall, pay attention and just notice this thought and see where it goes when you aren't chasing it.

One kind of thought that continually pops into my head is about my intelligence. I will say to myself, "Wow, that was stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm such an idiot!" But now it's gotten to the point where I always notice myself doing it and say to myself, "Stop that. You're not stupid." Of course, "stupid" and "tall" are both relational terms, so it's pretty similar.

I don't think 5'10" stands out that much... but a wheelchaired friend of mine deals with her social dilemma by talking about disability and her own situation all the time. Instead of ignoring the elephant in the room, she talks about it. Maybe that won't work for you, but it's something to consider. I often feel like if I could just talk to people and share my story with them, I could be totally comfortable and get rid of my social anxiety... the question for me is just how to get over my shyness!

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by inner haven

I'm a tall woman. 5'10" or 178 cm. I live in one of the tallest countries in the world, but I am still much taller than average.

Are you sure 5'10" is tall? I'm surprised to hear someone say 5'10" is tall. I kind of thought anything under 6 foot is average. 7 or 8 feet is pretty tall. You're way under that.

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

Are you sure 5'10" is tall? I'm surprised to hear someone say 5'10" is tall. I kind of thought anything under 6 foot is average. 7 or 8 feet is pretty tall. You're way under that.

The average woman in America is about 5'5" - 5'6", so yes 5'10" is quite tall.


But there are plenty of guys out there like me, who think tall girls are sexy!

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Curtis2011

The average woman in America is about 5'5" - 5'6", so yes 5'10" is quite tall.

Wait .. that's only 4-5 inches above average? That doesn't seem like a significant difference to me.

[inner haven]

Originally Posted by gigij

Ah - so maybe the height isn't really the issue after all? Maybe it's just something to focus on - when really it's something else?

I think you're right.

[inner haven]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

Are you sure 5'10" is tall? I'm surprised to hear someone say 5'10" is tall. I kind of thought anything under 6 foot is average. 7 or 8 feet is pretty tall. You're way under that.

Originally Posted by Curtis2011

But there are plenty of guys out there like me, who think tall girls are sexy!

I like those answers!

Thank you to everyone for the replies. They were much appreciated.

Many years ago I was complaining that I couldn't buy "normal" pants because they were about 8" too short in the leg. My male roommate at the time said, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You're complaining about having long legs. Shut up and eat your sandwich." For some reason, that memory just came back to me. I enjoy a man's perspective on things.

[inner haven]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

Have you tried meditation?

I definitely would like to get back to my practice. It has been awhile. Thank you for the reminder and the good advice.

[Angelique]

Originally Posted by inner haven

No, I don't think tall people are flawed for being tall, but I feel I am flawed for being so tall and I don't know how to feel differenly. If I see a woman my height who looks happy, I feel better for a moment, but then it goes away when I'm in another situation where I'm tallest. (In my mind this seems like such a petty thing to talk about, but it bothers me so much.)

Maybe it would help if you got out of your own perspective.
What if other 5'10" women are looking to you to see if you're happy, so that they can feel relieved?

If you had a kid who was 5'10" and felt awkward about it what would you say to them to make them feel better? Maybe you could try saying these things to
yourself.

You could try writing a list of all the great things about being tall and carry that list with you, especially when you know you'll be around shorter people.
Just make up anything if you can't find the reasons: "Tall people smell better, they drive better, they're funnier, better in bed, make more money, etc."

Hope this helps. :P

[shasah]

Didn't see any posts from the short sector yet, so here I am LOL. I used to resent being 5'2" but have since come to terms with it. There seem to be many advantages to being tall from my perspective. Such as; being able to reach something on a shelf, being able to drive a bigger automobile without feeling engulfed, not getting a neck cramp from looking up at nearly everyone else, being able to see through a peephole without having to use a stool, I could go on and on...
Also, just so you know, finding clothes for a short person isn't a picnic either. Look around next time you go shopping for a size 1 that actually has a short leg, not easy I tell you unless you want to spend some bucks. And anyone over 5'6" seems to think that cracking a joke about how short I am is a great form of entertainment. Luckily, I have a good sense of humor and don't take offense.
The grass is always greener, isn't it??
It's all in perspective. Best of luck