Needing some kind words

[Isis Kali]

Hey, y'all.

Anyone who said that I completely ditched this thread...you are correct. Completely and utterly. I wasn't kidding when I said that I wish I hadn't started it.

However, I now see that my pain was a bit of a catalyst on here for something better, so that makes it worth something. I'm better now, although- sigh- I've figured out that it's, um, triggered monthly (and I'm not elaborating any more than that, so hush). I know how to head it off, and that's good.

At the time, comfort is exactly what I needed. I got it from some, and not from others. For a second, I felt like I was getting kicked in the pants for being open about pain. Then, it hit me...this is a possible lack in the personal development world.

I go on lots of sites and blogs where the PD coach, writer, or what-have-you is just perfectly chipper with a suck-it-up! tone to their teachings. I feel like this does people such a disservice, and can be a huge turnoff. This sort of "happiness and productivity at all costs, dammit!" mentality completely squeezes the humanity out of PD at times. Folks, I've learned that one of the best virtues we can have as aspiring PD thinkers and students is this:

Shut your mouth, open your ears, and listen.

That, right there, is what connects you to your humanity. It's sharing. It's empathy. And that's why I say that my pain means something. I don't have to be right, and I don't have to have the last word. However, sometimes I have to become love, and I need to show people the face of compassion and loving spirit, without judgement or rancor. This is where the PD mentality falls short. There is a definite lack of understanding in the all-important arena of simple, fragile humanity.

And, to update...I took some time for self-care: I left the house, got my eyebrows done, and went out dancing for the past two weekends. I had a girlfriend over that I haven't seen for a long time, which was nice (although, well, I saw this weekend why I kinda withdrew, but more later on THAT one). Also...I saw something manifest. A few things, actually.

1) I'd put it out there that I'm open for a caring, good man to come into my life. Well, my sorta kinda ex popped up. We hung out. I realized that I had probably fallen in love with him. I'm waiting to see what's up with that. The only reason we stopped dating was timing, but he's one of the kindest men I've ever come across. I intend on seeing this one through and learning more about what happened and how I can avoid repeating history (in more ways than one...grrrrowl ).

2) I smudged my apartment and put blessing oil on all the doors and windows. My sister came in while I was meditating today and started to become demanding (over a vacuum cleaner filter. Yeah, I don't get it either) and belligerent. After asking her nicely to come back because I was busy, she got worse. I finally screamed at her to leave, and that I would be happy to help her later (I don't lose my temper often, so this was a shocker).

She threatened to hit me. Had the hand up and everything. Thankfully, I'm muscular, and I looked her right in her eye and dared her to. She then screamed that she wishes I'd never been born, that I'm a f!ing loser, that she never wanted me there in the first place, that...oh, I don't know, they all run together after all these years. But, this time was different. I was able to tell her, "Yeah, ♥♥♥♥♥. Sorry I turned out gorgeous, brilliant, and amazing. It's your worst nightmare, isn't it?" She had nothing to say to that, except that I sounded gay. Right, Ms. Homophobe

I've started locking the door. She won't be able to come in with her negativity anymore.

What I did realize, however, is that I exist. Of course, you're thinking, "Duh. You're typing this, Isis." No. I really saw that this horrid woman worked for most of her life to negate my existence, create a world where I didn't exist, and to impose upon me the feeling that I need permission and validation from someone else to even know that I matter. There's a pattern of abuse in my life by women, and now I'm seeing where it's coming from. So, I've taken my life back. It'll take a lot of work with my shrink to process things, but I'm on a better path than I was before.

OK, novel over. Thought you'd like the update, though. I'm going to blog about this.

PS- About the blog...I feel so guilty. Things have been so chaotic that I can't keep up with it. I think, on some level, that I believe I don't deserve what it's giving me. I've had many people, though, come out now and say that my writing makes a difference. Wow. I think I'll keep going. I'll find a way.

[Dani]

Originally Posted by Isis Kali

Shut your mouth, open your ears, and listen.

Then don't say 'give me some advice' if you don't want advice.
If you had said 'no one answer this I am just venting' No one would have.

Originally Posted by Isis Kali

2) I smudged my apartment and put blessing oil on all the doors and windows. My sister came in while I was meditating today and started to become demanding (over a vacuum cleaner filter. Yeah, I don't get it either) and belligerent. After asking her nicely to come back because I was busy, she got worse. I finally screamed at her to leave, and that I would be happy to help her later (I don't lose my temper often, so this was a shocker).

She threatened to hit me. Had the hand up and everything. Thankfully, I'm muscular, and I looked her right in her eye and dared her to. She then screamed that she wishes I'd never been born, that I'm a f!ing loser, that she never wanted me there in the first place, that...oh, I don't know, they all run together after all these years. But, this time was different. I was able to tell her, "Yeah, ♥♥♥♥♥. Sorry I turned out gorgeous, brilliant, and amazing. It's your worst nightmare, isn't it?" She had nothing to say to that, except that I sounded gay. Right, Ms. Homophobe

I've started locking the door. She won't be able to come in with her negativity anymore.

Haha. your sister sounds EXACTLY like mine. She says the same things and does the exact same things. We should set them up, they would great friends.
I decided about 2 years ago to just stop talking to her or listening to her. I just walk away when she gets abusive now. She follows me for a bit but can't follow me for long before she gets sick of it.

I am glad you picked up though.

[Isis Kali]

Dani, I think they'd kill each other. Either that, or they'd create some unholy void of evil that would suck the glee from everything they encounter. Man, what do you think this kind of anger springs from? I don't get it.

Angela is right (there's another thread re: support and comfort). There's a difference between the two. I needed comfort. Nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying that there's a definite need to just be silent, quiet our need to solve things, and just be there to accept the other person in their pain.

I think that there is, potentially, a lot of self-anger there. I stifle things. I know that I do. I need to learn how to process things, forgive, and walk away. Bottling things up is of no use!

[jacmac1]

In reading your post I couldn't help but wonder what inspired you to move back to a home that held such terrible memories for you?

There may be a layer of pain and trauma that you haven't addressed that your spirit is leading you to focus on now.

You speak about having to bail your sister out . . . I, too, was abused sexually as a child, and when my mother wanted to move back to her country and offered me her home (it was almost paid for, just a few payments) I staunchly refused.

Not even the thought of being a home owner at the age of 19 could induce me to move back into a house which had been a nightmare to live in for 18 years so that's the part of your story that stood out to me the most.

I moved back to the house where I grew up. My grandfather, who is 83, has missed and worried about me severely for several years, so he's ecstatic. Also, I have to bail my sister out of the financial mess she's created; she has the mortgage to the house (my grandfather sold it to her in a moment of panic), yet has never paid the note- meaning that my grandfather has paid $60,000 for HER house over the last 4 years.

I did of course deal end up having to deal with my trauma but everyone has their own timetable.

Be kind to yourself and patient.

[Isis Kali]

Thank you. That's what I'm trying to do, but it does get difficult sometimes.

I think I moved back in order to make myself face what happened- however, I can sometimes put myself into really hard situations, I think in order to prove to myself that I'm "strong enough" to beat the odds.

What's going to happen now is me setting boundaries...stuff like only allowing access to the washing machine twice a week (she was coming up practically every day), and simply not answering the door if it's her.

My shrink made the good point that I have to be in a place of safety so that I can keep on advancing. I'm doing what I can to make that place. Do any of you have any ideas for me that could help?

[Dani]

Originally Posted by Isis Kali

Dani, I think they'd kill each other. Either that, or they'd create some unholy void of evil that would suck the glee from everything they encounter. Man, what do you think this kind of anger springs from? I don't get it.

Angela is right (there's another thread re: support and comfort). There's a difference between the two. I needed comfort. Nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying that there's a definite need to just be silent, quiet our need to solve things, and just be there to accept the other person in their pain.

I think that there is, potentially, a lot of self-anger there. I stifle things. I know that I do. I need to learn how to process things, forgive, and walk away. Bottling things up is of no use!

I honestly have no idea where it comes from. I tried for 25 years to be nice to her and tolerant but she just threw it back at me and my brother every time.

I asked her once why she hated us all so much. The only answer she could come up with was that once when she was 15, everyone in the family except her wanted to have pizza. She didn't, so we had pizza and she had to cook her own dinner.

Apparently making her cook her own dinner because she didn't want what everyone else was having, i.e. we didn't all bend to her wishes, is reason for us all to deserve to die...

They could both be just plain nuts. The only thing that bothers me now is how she treats the rest of the family, and that family get togethers are no fun at all if she is around.

Mum tries so hard to help with everything and she just isn't grateful.

e.g. They gave her one of their cars when they went to live overseas for a couple of years. She was driving it one day and noticed some steam coming from the bonnet (one of the hoses had come loose a tiny bit). Instead of doing the smart thing and going to a mechanic, she just kept driving, didn't even fill it up water.

Naturally it overheated after a week of driving with the steam visibly pouring out the leak, and the engine blew. She rang my mother up and abused her for giving her such a piece of junk of car and demanded that they pay to have it fixed. Which they did....

Previously, when she moved out of home, mum and dad paid for the deposit on the flat, bought all her furniture for her and moved it for her. She went out to a party while mum and dad moved her stuff into her new flat.

Then a couple of months later when they bought my younger brother a clothes dryer she spat the dummy and had a screaming fit at my mother about how she never gives her anything and gives him everything... (she throws one of these fits pretty much everytime my parents do anything for anyone except her.)

Oh and did I mention that she hasn't ever actually bought her own car? Our brother built one for her as a present, which she proceeded to drive into the ground, refusing to service it or check oil or anything until it blew up, despite being warned what would happen if she didn't. Then she chucked a fit at my brother over it and how the car he spent months building for was cr@p... My parents have also bought 2 for her, both of which she crashed when driving stupidly, and then gave her one of theirs which I mentioned above...

Oh and she attacked our brother with a pair of scissors once. He came home one evening and went to play on the computer because he had a hard day. She went in to the computer room and started telling him how lazy he was (despite him having a job and her not at the time) because he was on the computer, addn how useless he was ra ra. He didn't want to fight so he calmly didn't say a word and just shut off the computer and went to his room to lie down.

She followed him into his room despite him trying to close the door. She kept abusing him the whole way, even after he lay down and rolled away from her she just stood there carrying on for 5 -10 minutes.

He, rightly so I would think, got tired of it, stood up, grabbed her by the arm (not particularly gently but not with the intention of hurting her) and pushed her out of his room closing the door behind her. She grabbed a pair of scissors, charged back into his room and told him if he ever touched her again she would kill him.

So he grabbed the scissors, cutting his hand considerably in the process, grabbed her again and this time pushed her onto the ground and told her. 'Just leave me alone and I will leave you alone.' With that he let her go, bandaged his hand and went to bed.

The next day she tried to put a restraining order on him... (they lived in the same house mind you). Luckily all of our family and friends know my sister well and when he showed up at the police station with 15 or so people prepared to testify against her for prolonged mental and emotional abuse, and a list of about 20 more prepared to if needed, they stopped the order.

I could give you dozens of examples like this.

I seriously have no idea what her problem is. No connection with reality... subjective or objective.

Originally Posted by Isis Kali

I think I moved back in order to make myself face what happened- however, I can sometimes put myself into really hard situations, I think in order to prove to myself that I'm "strong enough" to beat the odds.

What's going to happen now is me setting boundaries...stuff like only allowing access to the washing machine twice a week (she was coming up practically every day), and simply not answering the door if it's her.

My shrink made the good point that I have to be in a place of safety so that I can keep on advancing. I'm doing what I can to make that place. Do any of you have any ideas for me that could help?

Setting boundries is a good start. Congrats for standing up to your sis.

If you want to deal with past try finding out about the toltec method of 'recapitulation' it's a great way to lift off old limiting memories. Highly reccomended.

[Isis Kali]

Thanks. I'm going to look up recapitulation after I'm done with this.

That being said...!

Are you sure your sister isn't a reed-skinny Black woman, about 5' 4", who walks like a duck? Yeowch! How awful! It sounds like she has a huge sense of entitlement, and lots of bitterness from what hasn't been "given" to her. I think a lot of it is projection stemming from ridiculously low self-esteem. Every time these two lash out, they're really telling themselves off.

I remember my sister going to school in England for a bit. We were literally dreading the day that she would be back. Our house was paradise without her in it.

I think the next step is to get the locks changed and/or get new keys made for these old locks. Today was her first encounter with the door being locked to her. I guess she wasn't thinking I'd actually do it. Well, she called me names, threatened me with the keys...and I laughed and said, "Try it. The door is blocked!" She then called me an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, to which I responded, "Thanks for the compliment."

Girl car-razy.

Tonight, I participated in a Mastermind call. I made some new friends, and we danced around my other friend's living room madly to synthpop music. It was a good night, to say the least.

[Megan]

By Isis

My shrink made the good point that I have to be in a place of safety so that I can keep on advancing. I'm doing what I can to make that place. Do any of you have any ideas for me that could help?

Now that you have boundaries in place and are asking for ideas, are you listening to your echo?

EFT Blog : Are you listening to your echo?

My sister hated me for years. I put her picture on my mirror and told her picture I loved her over and over. When she died, we were more than reconciled.

If you want to keep advancing, listen to your echo. That's my idea for you, FWIW.

All best wishes,

Megan