She thinks am I not doing enough...

[nvictor]

That's what I've got in my email today.

Backgrounds : I left abroad for studies. We kept contact by phone calls whenever I have long distance cards and emails.

Facts : Valentine's day. I've sent her an ecard early in the morning. She didn't say thank or anything, she replied with an ecard too. I was happy till I've recieved her last email telling me that I've disappointed her a lot.

I don't undertand. What should I have done more?

[Cron]

I don't mean any offense, but you should have sent a real paper and stamp card.....AT LEAST.....for Valentines day.

Customs and expectations differ, but I have the impression that eCards are sort of seen as a "half measure" when you are dealing with people who are important to you.

I do think eCards are okay for eFriends ( friends you have never met ) or people you don't really stay in touch with.

[ElizaJ]

Dude, ever heard of international florists? You place an order on the internet and they deliver the flowers anywhere in the world!

[Isis Kali]

Candy, a scarf, a souvenir...those are nice, and you can usually ship them by air so that they arrive within a week's time.

E-cards are what you send to your Myspace list, not a girlfriend!

[Aikay]

Yes, I agree with cron, you should have sent her a card physically, the one she can feel since she is that important moreover, a gift for the Valentine if possible. An ecard worth to efriends not friends of that kind at this special moments. I'm not saying you shouldn't send her an ecard at an ordinary time, you can do that but special days shouldn't be handled with internet.

You know how you handle her if she complains your polluted moves, handle her same way but know that you are wrong and also try to send her your recent pictures while struggling to log in properly again.

The biggest note! Treat her more important than you are doing now.

Goodluck!
Aikay

[Narz]

Should have?

Nothing.

Sounds like you're doing fine.

I wouldn't deal with complaining in a long-distance realtionship. The only reason to deal with it is if you're on the computer and she's in the same room as you and you don't want to get up and leave.

Seriously though, make her tell you why. If she won't... find someone who will. Not all girls make you work so hard just to get basic information (just most).

Personally, I think your main problem is that you think you did something wrong. Once girls know you're the apolgetic type, watch out!

Monogamy without the mono, hmm, why not just seperate?

[bellbird]

Maybe you can look at it like she is expressing her dissapointment, but possibly try not to go 'poor me' sort of thing. It's very likely there are either a) more things going on leading up to now or b) just that: she was hoping you would make more of an effort. Can I just ask you whether there's chance you are taking her a bit for granted? I don't mean to be nasty but sometimes in a relationship people can get a bit sloppy with each other (long distance certainly not making things easier), not making an effort "because I don't have to", "we're together for quite some time etc", and "she knows I love her". Yeah. I've read something a while ago which I thought was a sensible thing to say: are you treating your partner as your best friend? (And thereby valueing them as being most important?) If not, why not? Am I making sense here? Just trying.

[nvictor]

You are right, but she should have written me something, instead of sending an ecard in return. Besides, I took the ecard with no bad thoughts. I'll contact her tomorrow.

Narz, well to tell you the truth, she's the one that is worried all the time, attraction is a concept I have been studying for years (since my first breakup). I have not mastered the concept but I use it well...

Bellbird. Maybe you're right with the sentences "because I don't have to", "she knows I love her". Am I wrong thinking like that? I mean, she knows well (as being one of the leitmotiv) of my presence here in another country to continue my studies. She knows well that I could not have supported both of us with my little income there... So to become someone I came here.

[andrew]

I have no advice on long distance relationship besides not doing them. I never have, and think they are a bad idea. Some may no be avoidable and you have to try, but damn it's not something you want. I mean if it's for a little bit and then you get back together, then yeah sure, but a steady long distance relationship is a heartache waiting to happen.

[Narz]

Originally Posted by nvictor

Narz, well to tell you the truth, she's the one that is worried all the time

What does she worry about?

[Shaden]

Don't worry about it. Valentine's day is the most superficial time of the year ever outside of Christmas. Just let it roll over, because she'll have forgotten about it by now. Don't give her a nice card, give her yourself. And if that's not enough then she's not worth it.

[Michelle]

I have to disagree with you, Shaden. Valentine's Day is, like any other day, what you make it out to be. I love the idea of a day which celebrates love and the act of loving. I had fun sending my boyfriend a balloon at work and choosing funny limericks to include in the card.

For the original poster: It seems to me that communication problems could very well just be a symptom of your precarious situation, and that you two need to take better care of communicating clearly your expectations of each other. You might also consider reading Steve's recent post on Understanding Human Relationships.

It seems to me that what happened has to do more with your girlfriend wanting to feel special, loved and appreciated in general that just on one day of the year.

Good luck to both of you.

[bellbird]

Maybe you're right with the sentences "because I don't have to", "she knows I love her". Am I wrong thinking like that? I mean, she knows well (as being one of the leitmotiv) of my presence here in another country to continue my studies. She knows well that I could not have supported both of us with my little income there... So to become someone I came here.

nvictor I am just recognizing this from my own experience I suppose... once you take each other for granted (or have bouts of it) things can start sliding downwards which will not improve the situation. I read a lot about 'that which you will give attention to will grow/thrive' on the forums. Makes a lot of sense to me.
From your response I gather that you both agreed for you to go overseas to persue your studies. In this case though that's not what this is about. I think Michelle is right on the money. Anyway, ask your girlfriend what she thinks about what's happening with you two, or better yet, give her a phonecall. Good luck to you both.

[Angela]

Valentine's Day is an impossible test set up to oblige people (especially men) to leap through hoops of real fire in order to satisfy unspoken expectations and to pad the coffers of the retailers of unnecessary and often unwanted goods.

Since legend holds that the first valentine was sent from St. Valentine to his jailer's blind daughter because she took the time to visit, then let's only demand valentines be sent from people on death row, as Valentine was, to the folks who come by the prison to commiserate. Let's allow normal people who love each other (or who are just trying to figure out if they love each other, for god's sake, who needs the pressure?) to send letters or flowers or jewelry when they're damned good and ready.

I think if anyone takes such an idiotic holiday so seriously that they'll be disappointed, angry, and actually withhold love if their expectations are not met, then it's that person's job to tell their lover what would satisfy them! Geesh.

This might be a great opening for you to discuss expectations and freedom around your relationship in general.

[Baltar]

Originally Posted by Angela

Valentine's Day is an impossible test set up to oblige people (especially men) to leap through hoops of real fire in order to satisfy unspoken expectations and to pad the coffers of retailers of unnecessary and often unwanted goods.

Well said! I never could understand why some people are so adamant about giving/getting something on any Corporate Pocket Filling Day (TM) holiday. Why do we need an official corporate sponsored day for giving cards/flowers/chocolates? In fact, wouldn't it be even more romantic to receive something on a random day when you don't expect it?

[Tasaio]

Originally Posted by Angela

Valentine's Day is an impossible test set up to oblige people (especially men) to leap through hoops of real fire in order to satisfy unspoken expectations and to pad the coffers of the retailers of unnecessary and often unwanted goods.

Since legend holds that the first valentine was sent from St. Valentine to his jailer's blind daughter because she took the time to visit, then let's only demand valentines be sent from people on death row, as Valentine was, to the folks who come by the prison to commiserate. Let's allow normal people who love each other (or who are just trying to figure out if they love each other, for god's sake, who needs the pressure?) to send letters or flowers or jewelry when they're damned good and ready.

I think if anyone takes such an idiotic holiday so seriously that they'll be disappointed, angry, and actually withhold love if their expectations are not met, then it's that person's job to tell their lover what would satisfy them! Geesh.

This might be a great opening for you to discuss expectations and freedom around your relationship in general.

Well said, Angela.

nvictor, it sounds like you have nothing to feel bad about. Long distance puts a strain on any relationship.

Perhaps she expected more this particular Valentines' because you haven't been in touch physically.

[ElizaJ]

Having been in a long-distance relationship with someone for 5 years, I have to say it is probably very hard on both persons, at least it was for me - I can't speak for the ex; and I would not recommend it to anyone. If you are unwilling to do the work to maintain this relationship running as smoothly as a normal relationship, then you need to let her go and you need to move on with your life. Sorry, but having been on this side of the fence and having experienced everything that a long-distance relationship entails, I have very strong feelings on the matter. If she is willing to sacrifice and wait around for you, the least you can do is show her some appreciation. And I feel that Valentine's Day is a necessary evil because some men are too dim-witted to remember that they need to regularly show their women how much they appreciate them.

OK, I'm done venting!

[ElizaJ]

Just had another thought on long-distance relationships. They actually require more maintenance than a relationship where the both persons live in close proximity. Because of the distance between the two and not being able to see each other that often, long-distance relationships require constant confirmation that both parties are still committed because they have not found someone else that is physically closer. Just a thought, although this was not the case with me because the ex jerkk boyffriend had me calling him daily.

OK, I think I am done venting about my past relationship!

[Shaden]

OK, I think I am done venting about my past relationship!

May I vent about mine then?

[ElizaJ]

Originally Posted by Shaden

May I vent about mine then?

Hmm, would love to hear your story!

[Lychee]

The V-day card upset is a cover-up for a larger matter. It served as an opportunity for you to show your interest and love for her. I suspect that V-day for her made her feel even more farther from you than before, especially when so many people around her were celebrating it. The point isn't that you sent her an e-card. It's that you had an opportunity, which is recognized by many, to do something extra for your S.O. and you didn't take advantage of that opportunity. I also think that sending an e-card is too casual and doesn't require that much thought for someone you are involved with.

[Shaden]

Hmm, would love to hear your story!

I'm not sure you would. She dumped me five times

Yes I know I'm partly to blame but she was my first and you know how these things work...

[Narz]

Why'd you give her the opportunity to dump you five times?

[Shaden]

She was a damaged girl. I really wanted to help her and I was willing to forgive her time and time again if I got another shot at being able to fix her. But eventually my mum had to sit me down and tell me that one of the most difficult things in the world is fixing someone who has had a lot of pain in their past. Sometimes it can be impossible.

I shed a few tears then...