It’s Your Fault That You Feel Bad!

[The Probabilist]

It’s your fault that your inconsiderate boss irritates you. It’s your fault that you felt sad and abandoned when your girl/boyfriend left you. It’s your fault that you get angry in traffic jams. It’s your fault that you feel hurt about what others say to you. It’s your fault that you get depressed when you are diagnosed with cancer.

And yes, it’s all your fault that you feel offended and shocked about what you’re reading right now.

Nobody likes to get told that their thinking is wrong. Nobody likes to tell themselves that their thinking is wrong. And here I am doing exactly these two things in hopes that you break free from the internal chains of your own faulty mind. A snowball’s chance in hell, right?

It’s time for you to take control over your emotions. However, there is only one way of doing so and it starts with this revelation - that it’s your fault that you feel negative emotions inside of you. You want proof? The proof is inside you and it looks like you needed somebody to remind you of it. Yes, it’s time for you to stop playing the blame game and take full responsibility over what goes on inside your mind. And when you do so, the truth will set you free and give you unlimited power to create whatever state of mind you wish.

The first step is the most difficult one and it is exactly what I’m talking about here. Many people live their whole lives never truly getting it. Which means that you can consider yourself a very fortunate and happy person if you have already internalized what I want you to tell yourself.

Here’s the thing. No circumstance has the power to create, change, manipulate or control your emotions. No other human being has the power to create, change, manipulate or control your emotions. I can not control what you’re feeling right now, thousands of miles away in the form of digital bits that show up as a pixels on your screen that make up this text you’re reading. And neither can anyone you know either, no matter in what form they are communicating with you. If you think this statement is false, then you’re bound to live the life of a drone, walking around blaming the universe for your emotions. That doesn’t sound like a good fate for you now does it?

And oh my goodness what a liberating moment it is for you once you truly realize this!

Because the second and last step is simply choosing for yourself what kind of emotions you’ll start feeling. You are the unbeatable master of your own reality! You create, change, manipulate and control whatever you choose to feel. And if you’ve gone this far, I assume you’re a person smart enough to choose positive emotions from now on.

You realize how happy you are for not being as inconsiderate as your boss is. You feel good about your partner leaving you because it proves you that it wasn’t meant to be. You feel calm when you realize that you can’t control traffic. You understand that it’s your own level of self-esteem that defines how other people’s words affect you. You feel humbled about getting cancer because it teaches you to appreciate life and gives you the greatest challenge you’ve ever faced.

And yes, you feel good about what you’re reading right now because you internalize that I’m writing this to set you free - not to mock your thought patterns.

Are you still blaming external sources for what you feel or are you starting to realize how powerful your mind truly is in creating your own reality?

[Shaden]

Was this an excerpt from your site? Because looking at the length and the content, it seems it would have been better of on there?!

[The Probabilist]

I just posted it on my blog and I *felt* an urge to share it with the people over here as well.

[Narz]

No, it's your fault.

ha, escaping the pit of despair, that's a good one (sorry, just reading the forum caption).

[bossb]

I'm going to agree, the old playground "I'm rubber, you're glue" adage has been very good to me. Er, not in the sense of name calling, but just letting every crappy situation bounce off me and letting me get back to being a happy clam.

[Dani]

Easy way to prove this theory.

Pick up a rock and yell at it in your most genuine, mean, angry voice that it:

Is a completely useless waste of matter that doesn't deserve to live, has bad breath and no one likes.

The reaction - nothing.

Do it to a person, and they will probably burst into tears or belt you in the nose.

You said the same words, in the same voice. The only thing that changed was the object being yelled at.

[Matthew Shea]

You're absolutely right, Probabilist. It seems like such a simple truth, doesn't it, but so many people are so focused on shifting blame for things onto others that it creates a lot of negative energy in our society. I very much feel that the concept of personal responsibility has very much been lost in this day and age. The tendency for us to want to litigate everything here in the US is proof positive.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Yes yes, we get it. But not always that easy to get to for some. I also would suggest that "fault" is your own projection. Why the blame perspective??

While we are all responsible for our own reality, via our thoughts, we need to understand this, and sometimes it's hard to just "snap out of" a down mood just like that. I speak from the perspective of many sessions using EFT for people. EFT can help people get out of downward spirals, but even then sometimes, it takes a bit of mental effort. And often people also deny their negative emotions so we just have another layer of defences to get through. You can only think-happy so much! AT some point you have to seriously deal with stuff!!

For the record, I've never suffered clinical depression, but then, I'd never consult a doctor about my moods in the first place!

Much joy to all
Hazel

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by The Probabilist

And yes, you feel good about what you’re reading right now because you internalize that I’m writing this to set you free - not to mock your thought patterns.

Are you still blaming external sources for what you feel or are you starting to realize how powerful your mind truly is in creating your own reality?

No, you are trying to others' thought patterns.

To answer the question, I do a little of both. Sometimes i get angry at my own random thoughts and realize it is my fault for thinking those thoughts.

However, if someone close to you knows your pet peeves and continues to pick at you over things that make you upset...well, that is hard to change. That's sort of an external thing

If someone dies in your family, you can't help but be sad at first. Every emotion is not immediately changeable.

I commend you for being able to control your emotions 100% but not everyone can do this. You are lucky

Dont beat us up for not being like you

[Brutha]

I commend you for being able to control your emotions 100% but not everyone can do this. You are lucky

In the end the question is: "It is a good goal to control your emotions?"
I think that I am perfectly able to (when it comes to not feeling them).

But the emotional pain most people feel when you they diagnosed with cancer is their for a reason.
It says to you: "Something is wrong here, you better change it."
It is life, when a major tragedy happens you suffer.
Is is painful, but you learn.
When you want to grow in life, learn from it, feel the pain.

Because the second and last step is simply choosing for yourself what kind of emotions you’ll start feeling. You are the unbeatable master of your own reality!

Know you aren't, you get the cancer and die because you didn't make the changes based on the emotions that the cancer diagnosis provided.

Sure on a day to day basis it can be inefficient to feel angry when you are in a traffic jam.
But in major events like getting cancer the emotional commitment is necessary.

In the last tragic event that effect my emotion I made the conscious choice to let it effect me. I messed up. The emotions lasted for maybe two days?
More time with stronger emotions would have probably lead to more growth, but still you don't get very far in that context with conscious "feeling-emotion-choices".

And yes, you feel good about what you’re reading right now because you internalize that I’m writing this to set you free - not to mock your thought patterns.

You should know better, it is not that easy. You can't make a decision to simply internalize such a concept.
Even when it would be desireable, it takes time to change things that are so deeply rooted in the psyche.
That is similar to saying to an overweight person, you should simply internalize that you are fat and have to get thin.
It is probably even easier for the overweight person, because whether you meet or not is far easier to influence than your emotions.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Emotional energy is powerful. It drives us through insummountable odds and keeps us alive when we are hanging by a thread. Emotionless humans Live alone and Die alone. Emotions are wonderful thing. Riding on the incandescent high of love, or realising the sadness or anger you feel at a death or inustice is just a call to grow. Nothing more. You have done nothing wrong by feeling emotions.

I agree with Brutha, things are hard to internalize. Just because YOU tell me to do it won't make it so.

and to be honest "The Probabilist" I don't care much for your presentation of this idea. You begin by putting us in a negative, defensive mood and then expect us to take what you say seriously? fat chance!

The only reason no one has gone totally psycho on you is NOT because we realise you are talking the truth but because we are in fact already open to this subject, you are merely reinforcing already present beliefs and understandings.

Should you open this up to the public they would rip you several new ones because you write with arrogance and ego (which by the way is emotion).

Because the second and last step is simply choosing for yourself what kind of emotions you’ll start feeling. You are the unbeatable master of your own reality! You create, change, manipulate and control whatever you choose to feel.

and then, let me guess, Odins valkyries come and wing me to the halls of Valhalla? Its not as simple, nor as quick, as you say it is. You don't just BECOME the master of your universe, its gradual, painful and hard. Granted I do create my emotions, but are you saying that, if someone shot your whole family dead, even for a second, you wouldn't be sad/angry/furious etc...etc...before your noble, idealistic Emotionless facade took over?

Just think about it.

[Chet]

ROFL
I loved reading this thread. I would like to applaud the OP for his attempt at classical Greek oratory. It missed the mark a bit, and I think it may not even work in modern times but it was fun anyway.
For those of you that might not know it I offer my best recollection of foundation 'Myth' for this:

One day in the forum there was an especially long winded discussion of some trivial matter. Each man in turn taking the floor and expounding at some length on the topic. After a while Diogenes, who had yet to speak, pulled up his toga and began masturbating in ernest. Now the Greeks were a bit more sexually permissive so people didn't run and scream or call the cops, but even they were a bit shocked. Finally someone said
"This is not the place for doing things like that." (or words to that effect)
To which Diogenes replied "Oh, what do you do here then?"

[Keith]

Originally Posted by introspective1

To answer the question, I do a little of both. Sometimes i get angry at my own random thoughts and realize it is my fault for thinking those thoughts.

However, if someone close to you knows your pet peeves and continues to pick at you over things that make you upset...well, that is hard to change. That's sort of an external thing

If someone dies in your family, you can't help but be sad at first. Every emotion is not immediately changeable.

I commend you for being able to control your emotions 100% but not everyone can do this. You are lucky

Dont beat us up for not being like you

The trick here is that "you" includes your subconscious habits. "You choose how you respond to things emotionally" is true, but that doesn't mean that you can instantly will any and all changes you like. Some emotional changes require you to prime your subconscious habits in advance.

[Brutha]

Its totally depend upon person to person. In some case boss is wrong and in some case we are wrong. But i feel in maximum time its our fault.

If it is the bosses fault we have no need to feel negative emotions. No behavior on our parts needs to be corrected.
On the other hand when we made the faults, we need it as feedback to adjust future behavior.

The question is can you have both?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks for this.

[Vincentboucher]

actually, no, you are not responsable of your actions, the way you think...Thinking that you are responsable , is a great thing, but you learned to think that way.... if the idea never came into your head, you would never think like this, then how can you blame others for how they act?

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by Vincentboucher

actually, no, you are not responsable of your actions, the way you think...Thinking that you are responsable , is a great thing, but you learned to think that way.... if the idea never came into your head, you would never think like this, then how can you blame others for how they act?

Could you qualify this statement? Are you saying that people are not responsible for the way they think or act because they learned to think and act that way?

Have you considered the ability to choose? Whether or not you believe in free will, none-the-less each of us has the ability to choose to take an action or not, and to react a certain way, or not. We can choose to insult someone, or be nice. We can rant and rampage, or take a deep breath and speak calmly. The ability to choose is accompanied by the responsibility to deal with the consequences of your choice. The circumstances which lead to each choice may alter the difficulty of the decision, but regardless of circumstance you always have a choice.

[Tuumble]

Excellent discussion!

I believe the key is being AWARE of your emotions because if we are not careful we can find ourselves annoyed/angry/upset at all sorts of pointless nonsense.

When I say 'pointless nonsense' I am not belittling anyones circumstances but by and large these situations pass and are just occurances in life.

If we spot that we lose control in certain situations we should have an answer ready and the traffic jam thing was a good example.

We can't control the traffic and being angry about it while in the jam isn't going to help. If anything it will make it worse as road rage demonstrates which results in stress and a reduced ability to drive with due care and attention.

Nothing lasts forever and whatever it is that bothers us today will be largely irrelevant tomorrow.

Enjoy every moment. Remember the expression: 'It was awful at the time but we can laugh about it now.'

[Vincentboucher]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

Could you qualify this statement? Are you saying that people are not responsible for the way they think or act because they learned to think and act that way?

Have you considered the ability to choose? Whether or not you believe in free will, none-the-less each of us has the ability to choose to take an action or not, and to react a certain way, or not. We can choose to insult someone, or be nice. We can rant and rampage, or take a deep breath and speak calmly. The ability to choose is accompanied by the responsibility to deal with the consequences of your choice. The circumstances which lead to each choice may alter the difficulty of the decision, but regardless of circumstance you always have a choice.

No, we don't have the ability to choose, you think you have the ability to choose, but you don't. Why do you think some people act bad with others people? why some people are poor? think about it 2 minutes....you think they choose to be that way?? yes they made some choices, but this is not clear choices, they were not thinking , felling the same thing as you when they were making their choices, and why they did not fell the same as you? they don't have the same past as you! They don't have the same neuronals path. Everybody is born with the same set of neurons, then the structure is getting stronger as your life goes on. I kNow this is not something easy to understand, because if you believe in this you will feel like you are nothing, you have no reason to exists. By accepting this truth, you will understant the world, you will understand why people act this way.

when you hear anthony robbins, by example, telling you that you have the choice, you are responsable for your actions, he is not telling you that you have the power to choose, he is trying to make you BELIEVE that you can choose, so when you do something bad, you think YOU are responsable and you can change. This is not the same thing... the more you know how a brain work the more you understant what i'm saying,,

[Mark Lapierre]

It comes across as exceedingly condescending to assume that because someone's opinion differs from yours, they don't understand, or have at least considered, the subject matter with which that opinion is concerned. I don't appreciate that but I'll do my best to not let it affect my response.

Here's a post from my blog showing that I have thought about this. In summary it is through repetition of specific responses that habits are formed, where "responses" are either emotional reactions to certain stimulus, as well as the actions those emotions prompt.

However, not only does repetition create the neural structures which represent habits, but it can also change those structures, thus changing the habit. It is not easy to do, but through willful determination and/or strong emotional motivation, those habits can be changed.

Now I'll admit I haven't studied cognitive neuroscience, nor psychology, nor psychophysiology, so all I know had been learned from what I've read, and from discussions with more knowledgeable people. If I'm wrong please clearly show me how.

No, we don't have the ability to choose, you think you have the ability to choose, but you don't. ... you think they choose to be that way?? yes they made some choices, but this is not clear choices, they were not thinking , felling the same thing as you when they were making their choices...

You first say that we can't choose, then you say we make choices. Could you explain what you mean in a way that doesn't involve contradictions?

You seem to assume that someone's past dictates their future by denying them free will because of learned behaviours. Have you considered how those responses are initially learned? If an individual can be born with nothing but instinct, then through the teaching imparted by life experience, gradually develop specific responses, doesn't it seem reasonable to believe that those individuals can continue to learn and develop in different ways? I.e., by choosing where you direct your conscious attention your can change your habits. A lifetime of layered, interdependent habits can make it difficult to make a choice which defies those habits, but as long as you can direct your awareness, you can choose.

You mentioned Tony Robbins, and his ability to make people believe they can choose. If they then make a change because of their belief in their ability to choose to do so, how is that any different from the ability to choose. The proof in the ability to choose is in the fact that they made a choice.

Finally, while what I know about the way neural structures are formed is mainly concerned with habits, I think it's reasonable to believe that the same applies to personality traits.

[Liara Covert]

Thanks for this posting and ensuing threads. Its one thing to be aware that you create your emotions and circumstances, and yet, its quite another to realize how and why you feel compelled to change them. It seems the discussion has evolved into a quandry over where people have choices and where they exert free will, and how one view here would contradict the other.

From what I understand, awareness has many different levels including, subconscious, conscious and supraconscious levels. These levels of awareness don't always interface in ways that influence a person's conscious behavior. This helps to explain how you can exert free will consciously, deciding you will or will not engage in a relationship for example, without perhaps realizing you've already subconsciously decided to attract a different kind of person into your life. The result means you may send mixed signals, or you may not be happy with the results of your conscious decision.

People like Anthony Robbins share life stories and strategies to encourage other people to choose to change their live. This can be effective, providing someone sincerely desires to change and that person is willing to explore the root causes and reasons for why they are the way they are. Permanent change of habits tends to require an understanding of things like your physiology, environment, relationships, conditioning and a variety of things. This is why its rare for people to quit smoking, lose weight permanently or choose healthier job or relationship circumstances overnight. If you don't understand why you behave as you do, what is within and outside your control, its hard to make positive lifestyle change or learn what it means to feel good about yourself.