No Passion

[justify5]

I know first off that none of you can tell me what my passion is. It's something that I have to find for myself. But really I'm starting to give up. Since I turned 20 my life has been a steady downward spiral. I can't say that I have accomplished anything that is good or of note since then. I am now 23, and this is my story.

I was a 3.5 student at the end of freshman year. Track athlete, I transferred schools and didn't run, lowered my gpa and dropped out after a semester at the new school. I had hoped I would settle in at the new school. Took 8 months off went back to my old school thinking things would be different if I went back.

I went back. I was not the same person. I still didn't know what I wanted which was why I transferred in the first place. I tried for 2 more years. Ran my gpa into the ground didn't attend class and developed a ton of debt in student loans. During the first year I went back I started playing computer games, watching movies and reading a lot. Later analysis showed me this was to distract me from my failures. This continued. I changed majors many times trying to find something get me interested in doing something/anything. Nothing worked.

Everything in my life has been stale and boring for the past three years. No relationships in 2 years. I have only found the effort necessary to keep in contact with my close childhood friends. I tried Steve's life purpose thing and I just sat there thinking what that I really want is to feel something that wasn't just like waiting to die with the smallest amount of effort spent during the wait as possible.

In an effort to join the U.S. Airforce I quit video games. I've been working really hard and I've lost 15% body fat and 20lbs in the past couple months by lifting and running off and on while trying to keep my diet even somewhat reasonable. Going from 255 to 235 gaining lbs of muscle and losing inches off my waist. Joining the military is in hopes that someone else forcing me to do what I should do on my own will build habits or force me to develop somehow. That is in addition to solving my financial problems.

My weight loss is relatively minor in comparison to the gain over the past 4 years. I started at 185 and 6% bodyfat. I eventually reached 255 earlier this year when my self loathing reached new highs and I was compelled to do something to stop it. It is hard not to hate the person I have become.

Passion has been impossible to find for me. In my personal life while I am attracted to women I have found them to be often cruel, superficial and irrational. I will not go into specifics about the females I have associated with or my experiences with them. I will say however that I feel my mother is the only female to have positively contributed to my life in any major way.

Passion in regards to professional life is also difficult for me to consider. Any job will be a job. So when someone asks me what do you want to be I think... hmm something that requires me to not work hard and pays well. But that's not really true. That's just my answer because nothing appeals. When I find something I like it's all consuming for me. I just haven't found anything in a long long time. Track was probably the last thing.

Lastly it is especially difficult for me to rise in the morning knowing that I look forward to nothing during my day. I need to get my workout in (towards the airforce). I need to get my chores done (because I live with my parents again). I need to go to my part time pizza delivery job so I can pay my student loans. If it's Thursday I hang out with my best friend since forever. That has become strained because he's married and his wife has issues with him hanging out because it takes him away from her. Or she complains about our actions if we're in her presence.

All in all my bad decisions and poor planning along with laziness and lack of motivation to do anything have all come together to make my life worse and worse over time. I deal with it by putting on an indifferent face at work and I say I'm doing good when someone asks, but really I feel like Peter from office space who said that "because each day is worse than the last, everyday you see me is on the worst day of my life."

I'm trying really hard and the quote that has been motivation for me is "We make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The effort is the same."

[escapeplan]

I can only offer my perspective...

I've been fortunate enough to work in areas over the years that I have been really passionate about. The trouble is, I've always found that over time, when you do something reguarly, you start to get bored or frustrated with it. It's almost like life doesn't want you to stay still but keeps pushing you into new areas. My logic is that it's one of the ways we grow. Some people may argue that I'd never found my true passion, but trust me I have, and it changes over time. My feelings are the opposite of what others may say- if you want to retain a passion, don't make money from it or do it every day. For some people, their passion keeps them growing anyway (like Steves) but for many it can start to hold them back. Just the same way that our friendships and relationships change over time, so do the things we enjoy and the meanings we place on them.

This in turn has made the search for a life purpose very easy. My purpose is simply to be free. Free in the sense of financial ties like employment, so I can pursue whatever interests me at the time. It's not been easy and has taken years of hard work, but I've set up income streams and have at least freedom over my time. Travel allows you to live and change in the moment and live in the NOW, doing what you enjoy at any given time and providing options.

Being free isn't a real life purpose. In my truth, life purpose and passions are not static and it would be foolish for me to try and define them. But travel seems to prevent laziness and gives a reason to get up every day. Each day can be an adventure where you go somewhere new. It's not to say you never settle, just that you have the option to move when on the search for "meaning". Is there any way you can travel for a while? Don't worry about what to do when you get back- you'll probably be brimming with ideas that right now are just blanks. When they get boring, go walkabout again!

[ar81]

It looks to me like you may be facing a depression, the feeling of not being able to change your life. If it is mild, you may rent comedies and laugh a lot. If it is severe, which would be not very common, you may need a prescription by a specialist.

Certainly you are too young to think about "achieving" anything. In the real world, achievement is more about persistence, than a short term effort. Persistence means failing many times until you succeed.

It is like a sports champinoship, you may have lost this one, but then you prepare to win the next. And if the next does not work, you try again until you succeed.

I also figure out you have a very high expectation of what you should achieve, like climbing Everest in 2 minutes. So please set small goals, because you climb step by step, so find out what is the next step.

Do not make life to be enjoyed after you reach the finish line, because the enjoyable part of life is not the finish, but the landscape when you travel to reach the finish.

Try to enjoy life. Look for inner peace, the main tool to achieve anything.

As for money, money is an abstract concept, not really coins and bills anymore. Try to spend less, as less as you can, and keep it tight. Find ways to reward yourself that involve free stuff.

Wants some ideas?
-How about a trip to space, where you will learn about science? Orbiter - A free space flight simulator
-How about some free videogames? Freeware games
-How about learning arts? Fantasy Art Tutorials and Resources

Your first step to start achieveing, is not to "do" things or achieve out there. It is to have inner peace. It is an achievement by itself, even if it does not make you famous.

If you still have spending problems, Google for "debtors anonymous".

[RealWorldCoach]

It's obvious how frustrated and hopeless you feel and most of us have been there at some point.

Think back to being that 3.5 GPA student, everything was cool, you had your future ahead of you. Then you went to college.

COLLEGE! It's all supposed to work out there, right? This is where I am going to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I am going to build lifelong friendships, learn exciting groundbreaking things, that's what the brochure says!

And then what happened? It didn't work out the way you expected. So you drop out of school and your self image and enthusiasm get an ego blow. Well, THAT didn't go the way I planned it, but what's next?

So now it's a few years later and you have years of experiences that start to solidify the feeling of "Nothing is ever going to work out for me" or at least not how you imagined it. Now you start to expect things to not work out. You haven't found your passion yet, so what makes you think you ever will? Everyone has a boring 9-5 job, you should just go get the best one you can, right?

But the more you think like that, the more hope you lose until finally all hope and motivation, possibility and excitement are sucked out of your life.

So what to do about it? I highly recommend EFT as the fastest way to deal with these feelings. I am a professional life coach and EFT practitioner and I would be happy to chat with you online to guide you through it a bit, but if not, you can do it yourself.

Go to Google and search EFT diagrams, (there is a very basic diagram of the head points that you can start with at EFT tapping diagrams).

Now go back to your original posting and tap these points while you read what you wrote. Your posting is very authentic and full of limiting beliefs, so this is a good way to tap into the feelings that are stopping you.

Some examples :

--I make bad decisions

--I plan poorly

--I am lazy

--I lack motivation to do anything

--My life gets worse and worse over time

--women I have found them to be often cruel, superficial and irrational

--I'm starting to give up

--I look forward to nothing during my day

--my life is stale and boring

So now you are lazy, irresponsible and making bad decision. You have a stale and boring life with nothing to look forward to, surrounded by cruel, superficial, irrational women who you are attracted to, but would rather avoid. And that's just a piece of it! Faced with that prospect, I would give up, too!

Feeling this way will attract more and more negative things to you and the cycle continues.

To break this cycle, I would recommend tapping for at least twenty minutes, while focusing on all of these disempowering feelings, (remember you can prompt these feelings by reading your own posting where you are sharing your feelings and story with us). Most likely, this will only remove the tip of the iceberg, but it should make a substantial difference in how you feel, even with just the twenty minutes.

If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me at realworldcoaching@yahoo.com

I was very much in the same position as you about ten years ago, so I really connected with your story. Hope this helps! (BTW, I dropped out of four colleges before I decided to start my own business)

Warmest,

Bonnie

Real World Coaching
Drop your Emotional Baggage, Fill your Life with Passion
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