Bad boundaries/Children and Family

[CroMagna]

I was hospitalized a few weeks ago for anxiety. I have since made a huge improvement that my family has already noticed. The final piece of the puzzle is career and weight loss. I'm at home from work until at least the beginning of December per my family's request, so the quarantine will enable me to get stronger on the raw food diet and has already allowed me to do a lot of meditation which has helped a great deal with the anxiety. I feel ready to go back to work but my family doesn't want me to be too hasty.

There's a problem though. My family is way too overprotective and has no sense of personal boundaries. They are West African, and in the culture there is a lot of dependence and a very small sense of privacy. I live with my mom and aunt who both live with THEIR mom, my grandmother. My mom is dependent on my grandmother, my aunt is dependent on my grandmother, I am dependent on my mom, and my grandmother is extremely dependent on both me and my mom. But I grew up in the US, and was therefore exposed to a culture of independence, autonomy, personal responsibility, and privacy. I grew up watching Sex and the City. In US culture, living at home in your mid-twenties is a bit loserish.

The experience has made me think that I probably should not get married or have children. Then at least I won't feel as rushed to move out of the house and start my own life. I'm 26, so if I get married and have children, supposing I move out when I'm 27 or 28, how much time will that leave me to be alone and free before having to turn back around and return to being dependent and familial?

I love being alone, being in the present moment. My favorite part of the day is when I meditate on the balcony. I love reading and learning. When you are in the present moment, you are ok with yourself. There is no feeling that you have to live up to certain expectations. Being alone means you don't have to compare yourself to others, you can move at your own pace. I cherish being alone.

So here are my issues:

1. I am an autonomous, loner spirit but I'm surrounded by a totally different culture that is trying to impose itself on me. They won't let me out of their sight. What can I do about these bad boundaries? For example, my boss who is African called my mom and told her that she has been reading my emails. They won't even let me leave the house unsupervised. I'm living just like a child.

2. What do I do about this nagging feeling of wanting to have children, but at the same time, not wanting to because of my personality and the limited time I would have between moving out on my own and getting married/having children to take care of for the rest of my life?

[rei]

could the watchful eye partially be because of your health issues, the anxiety that had you in the hospital? is there a chance that as you demonstrate more and more improvement, the boundaries will become a bit better?

honestly, i am not sure about trying to live in direct opposition to one's surrounding culture. that is what i do (i live in the bible belt but my beliefs are very different), but spiritual beliefs are easier to honor with surrounding differences than something like autonomy in a culture of interdependence. hmm...

have you tried discussing these ideas with the most powerful member of the family (may or may not be your mother)? using "i" messages, talking in terms of how you feel and what you need?

as for the issue of children and family, why don't you leave it for another moment? if you aren't even dating right now, couldn't you wait until it is more logical to be thinking about it? Angela would probably suggest NLP techniques to integrate those conflicting parts of yourself. also, the reasons you gave for not wanting to have kids were more abundant than the reasons for wanting them (you didn't even really give any reasons aside from just a feeling of wanting them). so as an observer, it seems like you don't really want kids at this time. but you might later, so basically my suggestion for that issue is to cross that bridge when you come to it.

[CroMagna]

Thanks for your advice. I'll put the marriage and family issues aside until I'm at least 30. Then I'll see if I'm ready for a relationship.

There is a chance that as I prove myself capable, I will receive less overprotection. Today was my first day out alone since I came back from the hospital. My mom called me but at least no one came with me.

[ar81]

Use laughter to fight anxiety.
Rent comedies, watch funny videos, find humoristic side of everything, laugh you arse off.
If you are able, find a way to express humor.
Tackle anxiety with humor and laughter.

[Lauxa]

Sorry to hear that your anxiety got the better of you for a while, but glad to see you are bouncing back. How wonderful to have your family there to support you, even if it feels a bit imposing at times, they love you and have your back and you always have a little community where you fit in. And it sounds like they are loosening up a bit, allowing you SOME alone time. One thing that might help is scheduling some healthy activities away from the house, maybe start taking long walks or jogs for exercise or take up sketching or writing at the local coffee shops.

I would say not to jump into child-rearing until you REALLY want to. Having kids is a HUGE amount of stress, not to mention the pregnancy hormones and possible post partum depression. If you wait too long to have your own, there are other options like fostering or adoption, so don't worry too much about it.

[Eduard E]

Sounds to me like you need to manage your environment in order to become more autonomous. The people around you can have a major influence on your attitudes and behavior. So, I suggest meeting new people, making new friends which are more independent and a positive influence on you, and starting to spend more time with them, less with your family.

Also, look into something called Assertive Communication. It's a great communication skill for setting boundaries. I teach this a lot to my clients and it's from my perspective, one of the most important life skills you can develop.