Friends who don't call

[noella]

Hi there has been this one thing which has always bothered me, I have friends who have moved out of my city, they do not bother getting in touch with me, or calling me up at all...its only when they come home for vacations, they feel the need to call me up...mainly because they want some company while they are here, i do try n call them wenever they are away....but this is frustrating, ....i feel sad and miserable, should i stay in touch with them?...or cut off ties with them completely.

I would also like to know how do u deal with situations where a person is feeling very sad or dissapointed, but does not have anybody to talk to, or share their feelings with.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by noella

should i stay in touch with them?...or cut off ties with them completely.

If you like spending time with them while they're home on vacation, why can't they be just friends you spend time with when they're here?
I have friends who have moved away and when I visit the towns they live in (and vice versa) we spend some time together, and we have a lot fun. However, we don't call each other that often.
Friendships change.

[noella]

Friendships change

I loved this line...mayb this is what i failed to see all these years..thank you

[Shorebird]

Hi Noella, I was in the same situation some 15 years back.

Suggestions for you:

No need of cutting off ties with them.
Meet them whenever they come to your place and enjoy spending time with them.
Show them that you are happy that they are living their lives as they want to.
Show them that you are happy without them but happier when they come and meet you.
Make new friends. This is the most important one.
Engage yourself in a new activity.
Do not think too much about them because you too need to move on with your life.


Whenever your old friends come, show them that you have other friends as well; Also show them that you are totally engaged in an activity or work; Also show them that you enjoy your life even without them.

Feel all these things more than just showing it to friends. But there is a need to enlighten your friends of something. I know people here would say that you should not show off. But personally I feel that this brings a peculiar satisfaction. Make your friends acknowledge that you have other friends as well.

Lastly, help and care for ur friends when they need you. When they don't call, just do your work and hold on to your life which you will be enjoying the most.

[Minimabs]

I have always loved this:

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime:

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime, Articles - Yuni Words of Wisdom

Letting go can be tough - but the more you do it the easier it gets.

Your friends who left for the city have left a void in your life - you need to fill it with some good stuff! How about some more friendships - are there ways in which you can meet new people in your area?

Enjoy these friends when they return for the time that they are here - you can't change the circumstances or indeed their behaviours but you can enjoy what you have.

Mabs

[The Cloud]

Personally, I don't like talking on the phone. I rarely call anyone for reasons besides practical necessity, and am rarely called myself. I just recently met with friends I haven't talked to in many months, and it was great. Let your friends be friends in their own way, and you'll have much happier friends. No need to cut ties, except maybe from chronic moochers or drama queens.

[AdamA]

Let your friends be friends in their own way, and you'll have much happier friends

Hi noella,

I was in somewhat of a similar situation. I think the advice above is the best you can do. Facebook is also another way to stay in touch with your friends. Plus, it's low key - you don't have to spend a lot of time on the phone. Personally, I find when people move to another city, they start getting busy with their new lives and it gets hard to stay in touch with friends out of town (though I still talk to my best friend who moved away pretty regularly).

[PerDev]

What a Quote
People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime
I loved it

Originally Posted by Minimabs

I have always loved this:

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime:

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime, Articles - Yuni Words of Wisdom

Letting go can be tough - but the more you do it the easier it gets.

Your friends who left for the city have left a void in your life - you need to fill it with some good stuff! How about some more friendships - are there ways in which you can meet new people in your area?

Enjoy these friends when they return for the time that they are here - you can't change the circumstances or indeed their behaviours but you can enjoy what you have.

Mabs

[Gene]

You ask why your friends do not call you. Do you call your friends? The phone in your possession can initiate a call as efficiently as a phone in the possession of your friend.

It is even possible your friend ask why you never call assuming you do not call them..

[noella]

Great suggestions, loved them all...and yes gene i do call them, what really hurts is the fact that we (my friends n me) do have some common friends here in my city, the fact is that they do call them up quite often, infact one of my best friend who always goes around saying 'that i'am her best friend etc' has not even bothered to give me her number after she moved out, but she does call up this other friend of mine....i even asked her for her number, but she did not even respond..i try to keep in touch with each one of them through different means like the email, facebook....but at times i feel they just dont care.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by noella

Great suggestions, loved them all...and yes gene i do call them, what really hurts is the fact that we (my friends n me) do have some common friends here in my city, the fact is that they do call them up quite often, infact one of my best friend who always goes around saying 'that i'am her best friend etc' has not even bothered to give me her number after she moved out, but she does call up this other friend of mine....i even asked her for her number, but she did not even respond..i try to keep in touch with each one of them through different means like the email, facebook....but at times i feel they just dont care.

It can feel difficult and painful when we feel that we are ignored or unwanted even unimportant to those we thought of as good friends or family. I will ask you a question. Is it true that you are ignored, unwanted, and unimportant to these people. Is it the truth? Is it just one of a number of possible truths?

We experience behaviors and give them meaning in attempt to understand things. Is it possible that in your attempt to understand things you have given a meaning to your friends behaviors that is not the truth? What other possible truthful explanations could there be for what you observe? We create our beliefs in an attempt to explain the world outside of ourselves. Then the beliefs we have created generate feelings.

It seems that your feelings resulting from the beliefs you created are causing you pain and discomfort. Make a list of other possible truths instead of focusing on one truth, study the list carefully. See if you feel differently about your friends and the fact that you believe they do not call you and cause you pain.YMMV!

[vartann]

i used to pester a lot about friends who never called me in my early 20's
i am now in my mid 30's and only recently did i realize - coming across your post - it has been some 20 years i haven t called some dear highschool friends myself - tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow and now WTF IS 20 YEARS ALREADY !!.
and of course THEY couldn t get in touch themselves as i am always switching countries
still they have always been on my mind

MY mistake - and thanks for your post

[brendannz]

Usually in these situations, it's more your thoughts on the matter than the matter itself. It probably has nothing to do with you, they're probably just sidetracked or busy

[CoolBee]

This is one of the reasons I love Facebook - it is very easy to keep in touch with people gently, lightly and naturally without coming on like a bunny-boiler.

I go back to the UK 2-3 times a year for about 2 weeks at a time and there's no way I can get to visit everyone - I am on tight time and tight budget so I try to rotate around a bit.

I used to feel like you about people not calling - I do remember talking to one friend about it - and she came out with all this stuff about "I can't be the person you want me to be - going out and that, I have a family now". Well I hadn't even EXPECTED her to be up for going out and so on - she was always the one that wanted to do that stuff anyway, I'm fine with a quiet cup of coffee somewhere! So we clarified that one!

And another issue was she thought she was boring, had nothing to tell me, whereas if I called her I had always been somewhere or done something. I told her I didn't care if all she told me was what she had for breakfast, that wasn't the point of the thing!

I guess one thing you should ask yourself is whether you come across as a bit too 'needy' and don't want to share your friends? I have built in a detector for that and I will shy away from people who I predict will try to demand all my attention now. If I make a new friendship then I put a lot of effort in right at the start to set my boundaries eg don't see them more than once every couple of weeks (unless we are going to the same class or something), leave some days between calls or emails, etc etc.. And I make sure they know that I do different things with different people, and ALSO that I like my own space and value my independence a lot.

I have had some bad experiences with people who want to be your only friend, make you dependent on them and control your life, trying to make divisions between other people so that they are the 'intermediary' who is friends with both sides and I have had to learn to drop people from my life - which is not something I like doing - I'm used to holding on like grim death to the last vestiges of a friendship that has outlived itself.

Another point to consider - when you are with them, do you talk about yourself most of the time? I confess to being a bit guilty of this one - training as a coach and becoming aware of this shortcoming on my part and learning to listen to the other person and ask open questions really helped my conversational skills (though they're still not great). When I started 'practising' on my friends (eg in our normal interactions, instead of me chipping in with anecdotes, advice or whatever, I would ask them coachy type questions instead), I suddenly found them going to the bother of sending me emails and things the next day saying "I really enjoyed yesterday"!!! A few of them eventually caught on and sometimes would turn round and say "stop coaching me".

And lastly, things do change when friends enter new relationships, start producing offsprings and the like, their focus changes and you have to accept that. Going somewhere with a child means it takes you 10 times longer to get out of the house. They are tied to school-term times, after school activities and so on in a way that singles aren't (we have our own crosses to bear in the world of corporate-time but that is a whole other issue!)

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by CoolBee

This is one of the reasons I love Facebook - it is very easy to keep in touch with people gently, lightly and naturally without coming on like a bunny-boiler.)

I've touched base with SOO many old friends thanks to facebook

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by noella

Great suggestions, loved them all...and yes gene i do call them, what really hurts is the fact that we (my friends n me) do have some common friends here in my city, the fact is that they do call them up quite often, infact one of my best friend who always goes around saying 'that i'am her best friend etc' has not even bothered to give me her number after she moved out, but she does call up this other friend of mine....i even asked her for her number, but she did not even respond..i try to keep in touch with each one of them through different means like the email, facebook....but at times i feel they just dont care.

Maybe you have a different idea of what "friendship" means, than they do. I have several people who I consider "close friends" who I don't talk to for months at a time. Not talking to someone doesn't mean anything about a friendship, in my eyes.

And maybe because you do all the calling, they don't feel the need to initiate? Those other people they do call - maybe those are the people who don't call them? They've had their time with you, but not with those other people, so they choose the people they haven't talked to to call up? Just a thought.

[bluedragon]

I don't think it is necessary to talk on the phone with your friends in order to remain close friends. I also enjoy receiving any friends who live abroad even if we never speak on the phone. In fact, I would be upset if the came to Bucharest and they didn't call me (or even come stay at my place). And I would call them if I went to their city, but otherwise, I wouldn't call them, since I am scared of phone calls with people I haven't spoke to in a long time (even if they're my friends). I could probably e-mail, but it's hard to make conversation like that when you live abroad. Even on messenger it's sometimes hard to find a common ground when you have nothing to relate to anymore, but that doesn't mean you are not still close to the other person.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Plays With Life

Maybe you have a different idea of what "friendship" means, than they do. I have several people who I consider "close friends" who I don't talk to for months at a time. Not talking to someone doesn't mean anything about a friendship, in my eyes.

Some time ago I reconnected with one of my good friends from my late teenage years. We hadn't seen each other or communicated in any way for twenty years, yet when we met it was if we were as close as we had been as boys just out of high school. It was a delight to be together again.

Since our reunion we share some emails and a few telephone calls but it is not necessary for us to communicate to sustain the friendship. Our communication gives us pleasure but is not required for the friendship to continue.

[Plays With Life]

Originally Posted by Gene

Some time ago I reconnected with one of my good friends from my late teenage years. We hadn't seen each other or communicated in any way for twenty years, yet when we met it was if we were as close as we had been as boys just out of high school. It was a delight to be together again.

Since our reunion we share some emails and a few telephone calls but it is not necessary for us to communicate to sustain the friendship. Our communication gives us pleasure but is not required for the friendship to continue.

Awesome!