Conflict avoidance

[thegute]

I hope this is the right forum for this.

For the past 40+ years I have been mastering the 'art' of conflict avoidance. I believe this is holding me back as it is influencing every decision and action I take.

Has anyone else had or is working on this challenge?

I would like any help on how to overcome this.

Thanks

Michael

'In an infinite universe anything is possible'

[rei]

yes i have dealt with avoiding conflict. i don't like how it feels in my energy to get in verbal or physical arguments. but i also don't simply do nothing if i feel mistreated.

i think the key is to make small steps. sometimes things can be worked out without direct conflict, sometimes not. also, how to best deal with avoidance of conflict depends on the reasons for avoiding it.

if we avoid it because we always want people happy with us, we can realize that's unrealistic - we can't make everyone happy. someone will always dislike how we choose to handle things and will likely even dislike us as a person. sucks, i know, but it's better to realize this than pretend it isn't true i think.

if your reasons are similar to this, related to wanting everyone to like you, you might try getting in the habit of speaking up when you feel your feathers get ruffled. you can even say "you may not like it, but i'm doing it anyway. whether you like it or don't like it is your business, and is not my responsibility.' we can say this calmly so we don't sound like a rebellious teen.

i think there's a potential for resentment to build up if we never speak our minds, but we can do it in a considerate way, at least start out considerate anyway. assertiveness training helps too. i think the two issues (conflict avoidance and assertiveness) are often related.

[Virtue121]

Sometimes the best thing to do is face up to someone. I think that we should not be bias towards or against conflict. I would put the focus on doing what is right in each situation rather than pre-supposing that conflict avoidance is always for the best. Maybe it would help to study some of the wise sayings of some enlightened martial artists, take up a martial art yourself and give up any prejudice against conflict ie see it fresh.

This might go against the grain of your character but to really transcend/go beyond conflict your character should be "grainless". In other words until you give up personal preferences there will always be unavoidable conflict one way or another-internally and externally. Are you at war with your inner warrior? Are you starving an essential part of your nature?

If you accept and love the concept of conflict deeply then, however the outer circumstances may appear, you will be perfectly tranquil and undisturbed within-free to do what ever is for the best.

[Tanja]

What do you mean by conflict? Could you give us an example?
Does it mean you have a hard time expressing your own opinion if it's contrary to someone else's opinion?
Or that you're not comfortable with people raising voices or becoming too aggressive verbally? So you withdraw..
What are your current methods for ''avoiding' conflict?

[thegute]

I have taken a 'service' approach to conflict. I constantly put others before myself - wife, children, clients, pretty much everyone because I never want to let anyone down.

I was 'trained' in by upbringing to have the 'answer' to any question or problem - no matter if the question is factual, opinion or rhetorical - I have desire to answer the question or solve the problem. I have always been very good at this so the pattern is constantly reinforced.

I don't say 'NO' very often. I will put myself in difficult situations in order to try to please people or prove I can do something even if I know it may be almost impossible for me to do.

I am still trying to figure out 'what I'm going to do when I grow up' even as I approach 50yo. I keep choosing to do what is 'acceptable' in order to keep them happy.

I am working on my purpose in life but it has been very difficult because I have cut off most of my emotional responses in my avoidance of conflict - I don't remember the last time I cried or lost my temper but it has been over 30 years for both - i am always afraid of losing control I have suppress my feelings

I will stop ranting now and ask anyone who has any suggestions to post or send them to me privately

Thanks for your help

Michael

'In an infinite universe anything is possible'

[Coffeesmurf]

I can recommend No More Mr. Nice Guy.

If you follow the advice in the book, the people in your life might not like the new non-pleasing you. I would be prepared for resistance from friends and family. Also, from own experience - be careful about how you say NO. If a friend asks you to help him move during the weekend and you don't feel like it because you've had a long week at work.. then say exactly that! Don't make up some lame excuse for why you can't help. Be honest.

[thegute]

Coffee - Thank you. I read the first few pages an I am a classic Nice Guy. I plan to pick the book today.

Have you used it or know someone who has gone through this that i can contact?

Michael

'In an infinite universe anything is possible'

[Coffeesmurf]

Originally Posted by thegute

Coffee - Thank you. I read the first few pages an I am a classic Nice Guy. I plan to pick the book today.

Have you used it or know someone who has gone through this that i can contact?

I have read it and used it mostly to raise my awareness of my "Nice Guy" ways and how to counter them. I'm still trying to change, so I guess I'm what you could call a recovering "Nice Guy". The first step is acknowledging your problem and starting to make changes to deal with it.. the book can definitely help you do that. I realised my own "Nice Guy" traits after a relationship where I dropped all of my own needs to attend to hers..

One of the main points is realizing that your own needs come first and that making your relationship/marriage the number one priority in your life is an unfortunate strategy. Another is showing leadership and setting limits in your relationship.

Also, work on getting your validation from within and not from other people.

[Eduard E]

No More Mr Nice Guy is a great recommendation in my perspective. There is also a forum for men with the nice guy syndrome: No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin

Also, check out something called Assertive Communication. It's a style of communication that allows you to take care of your needs, confront conflict and be honest, in a way that's respectful toward others.

Bottom line, I think you need to start addressing some conflicts head on, instead of avoiding them. Once you get used to the fact that conflicts are a natural part of life and they will always be there, it gets easier.

[rei]

yes, i mentioned assertiveness in my previous post, and i definitely think the OP could benefit from developing more skills in that area.

assertiveness is not the same as aggression. it is like the midpoint between passive communication and aggressive communication, a healthy balance that helps us express our needs without being rude or mean.

there is also a great book that discusses both assertive communication and specific ways of communicating one can use to be more assertive. here is a link, the book is old, but it's a classic for these issues, and since it's old you can probably find a used copy for very cheap: Amazon.com: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (9780553263909): Manuel J. Smith: Books

[Manomanman]

The way to overcome this problem is to not give a **** about conflict. Embrace it. Use conflict as an opportunity to cultivate your power to use anger effectively. Let anger flow through like the lazer power through a lightsaber. Smite your enemies with it.

Conflict exist for a reason: because somebody pissed you off.

[thegute]

Thanks for the responses.

I have always put my family first - whatever they want I want to provide. It does not help that I have 4 daughters. Two are now in college but the estrogen level I have been exposed to over the last 20 years has been very high.

I am the dad that goes on field trips, comes into class to help teach, and brings home the $$$.

The trigger for all of this self-refection was getting laid-off at the end of March. I am working on starting a business in the insurance area but it is slow going and it puts me out of the house when the rest of the family is home and the stress is getting to me (gained 15lbs, got sick for the first time in 2 years, suicidal thoughts).

I will probably drop the business because while it has enough social value to get the $ I need I really have no passion for it. The problem with dropping it is I have not found what I have a passion for. I have cut off that part of myself years ago and it has been very hard to find it again.

I have tried to use the method of sitting and letting it come to me but I have spent over 2 hours on it and I don't feel i'm getting anywhere.

Any suggestions of how to find my passion?

Michael

'In an infinite universe anything is possible'

[vartann]

a short story from China:
was a great Master travelling with his Son by train
were thugs on it too
thugs started bullying him - he said nothing
next day, they bullied him again and spat on him - he did nothing
day after they were there again, brought him to his knees to clean their boots - said nothing, did it
next day again, same scenario - plus a thug grabbed his Son - he killed them all

you put your own limits

[AdamA]

Has anyone else had or is working on this challenge?

I think Virtue said it best - small steps. If you know you're being taken advantage of speak up for yourself.

1. Forget about whether you get any results or not, the important thing is to start practicing how to go about doing this.

I did this at work one time, and it felt great! Nothing happened, but I felt good knowing I was standing up for myself.

2. have clearly defined boundaries
3. stick to them
4. get support from others, especially when you're afraid to stand strong
5. reward yourself when you do

Good luck.