Comparing myself to others

[whattodo]

hi. i am gay.. and in closet except on this site. i have told no one. one other problem i have here is that i tend to compare myself to everyone,especially good looking guys. i dont think i am good looking and i feel sad that i dont look like them,have the life they have,etc. i sometimes wish i was a girl to at least be able to date them.i feel very sad at times.how do i stop comparing myself to all the guys out there who i think look good and handsome and hot etc.plz help thanks

[mikethedrummer44]

Well the incredibly simple answer is stop comparing yourself. It's really pointless. I mean, getting all down because you don't have what someone else isn't going to solve anything for you. Find what they have that you like, and go out, take action, and get that in your own life.

[blossom]

I agree, also, it's not always what it seems...you may be assuming that their lives are somehow better than yours because you think they are better looking than you...but you don't really know that do you?
Instead of comparing yourself to them, try finding what is attractive about you and focus on that...the tendency to compare will melt away once you discover what's attractive about you. Everyone has something attractive about them, and you never know who else may find you attractive in the same way?

[Indiana]

Hi Whattodo

I used to work at a modelling agency. People often asked me 'Isn't it hard being around all those young, slim, gorgeous girls all day?'

They didn't mean that I was old, fat and ugly, just that some people are improbably physically blessed, and I was surrounded by them constantly. Anyone would feel bad, right?!

Truthfully, at first I did. After a bit though, I realised all those gorgeous girls had exactly the same problems as everyone else. They felt fat, they got pimples, they fell in love with guys that didn't love them back, they got bad grades, their boyfriends cheated on them or dumped them, they had parents who didn't understand them, they missed out on jobs, they had fights with friends, they failed classes. Also, they used to feel bad that they didn't look as good in real life as they did in magazines! Think about that for a minute.

Physical beauty is no antidote against trouble. So don't compare yourself on that level. If you can be happy in yourself with how you look, without thinking about what you look like next to other people, you will be attractive to others.

It's hard being a gay teen ( I assume you're young from your post, please correct me if I'm wrong). There aren't a lot of safe places you can go and meet other gay teens. My best advice would be to hang in there, focus on your own interests, focus on feeling good about yourself, and don't worry about other people. High school is temporary. You have the rest of your sexual life ahead of you, so even if your hormones are a bit out of control at the moment, if you don't feel comfortable coming out yet, just focus on getting comfortable in yourself.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Indiana

It's hard being a gay teen ( I assume you're young from your post, please correct me if I'm wrong). There aren't a lot of safe places you can go and meet other gay teens. My best advice would be to hang in there, focus on your own interests, focus on feeling good about yourself, and don't worry about other people. High school is temporary. You have the rest of your sexual life ahead of you, so even if your hormones are a bit out of control at the moment, if you don't feel comfortable coming out yet, just focus on getting comfortable in yourself.

I'm not gay but I have lived through situations where I was the target of distrust, hate and violence. I believe there are almost always safe people to be around. One of my challenges was understanding this and then seeking out people who were safe and nurturing.

I wish you success in finding safe places and safe people to include in your life.

[danstelter]

As a lifelong social anxiety sufferer, this has been a great problem for me, but I now have it under pretty decent control. What I learned over the years is that I shouldn't compare myself to people because I always find myself coming up short. For whatever reason, we compare ourselves to those who we think are better than us, and not those who we think are worse and we always come up on the short end.

What I did do is that I learned to just focus on what I can do and develop that to a very high level. As a result, I am now a very talented person at different business and interpersonal aspects, but again, there are many things that I also cannot do. However, I have chosen to focus on what I can do, and that is very powerful.

[brendannz]

"never compare yourselves to others, you always lose" - Billy Corgan.

I think everybody who compares themselves to others, always loses.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by brendannz

"never compare yourselves to others, you always lose" - Billy Corgan.

Yes, because it's very easy to end up chasing other people's dreams and goals, instead of your own.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Tanja

Yes, because it's very easy to end up chasing other people's dreams and goals, instead of your own.

Yes, your comment is so true. It is easy to follow the path of least resistance or so it seems in the moment but ultimately it is painful and dis-empowering. The answer and the challenge is to find what's my dream? What do I want? What brings me satisfaction? Where do I want to go?

Take the next right step and if the path you choose is somehow off course make a mid-course correction until your thoughts, actions and behaviors resonates with you moment after moment and day after day. Repeat these steps as needed.

[scotthegeek]

Sometime when I see some one I'm attracted to I say they would never go out with some one like me, but when I see the people they date. What the hell do they see in that person.

Confidence is not knowing everything will work out the way you want but is knowing you will be able to handle what ever happens.

[BVanGuard]

Sometimes you just kinda have to walk in the fog. In other words, you just kinda have to take a whack at it. You've gotta have confidence and go after it.

[Knk]

Okay, so, please please please dont judge yourself because you are gay. Understand that some people will judge you, but there are many many people who will never look at you differently because you are gay. Homesexuality is not wrong simply because it is not most popular, or most present. Homosexuality is simply another expression of love, and it is quickly becoming more and more accepted. Homosexuality in and of itself is not wrong, not even close. It is the love between two consenting adults, and should not be confused with anything less. It will probably take you sometime to finally accept yourself as you are, but eventually you will learn the reality of your situation and you will accept that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. I promise that one day you will accept yourself, and one day the fact that you are homosexual will never cause you sadness again. Just be patient.

As for your question: Who cares what other guys are in comparison to what you are. You are a person: you are meaningful and worth while. Some may consider you attractive, and others may not - but who cares about those who dont consider you attractive!! Focus on those who do. Think of it this way: There are 7 billion people on the planet, and about, lets say, .7 billion may conisder you attractive: Can you believe that so many people would think youre hot!! Theres so many people on this planet that would find you attractive, its just a matter of finding them. The more people you meet, the more that will find you attractive! Who cares about how many people will find you unattractive, focus on all those that would find you attractive and suddenly youre feeling very hot!!

[JasonC]

Originally Posted by whattodo

i tend to compare myself to everyone,especially good looking guys. i dont think i am good looking and i feel sad that i dont look like them,have the life they have,etc.

What you are presupposing here is that you do not love/appreciate yourself. Here's something you could do change this around: Look into a mirror and say to youself, "I love you". Do that for several minutes everyday, and notice how uncomfortable you probably feel. If you feel uncomfortable, it means you need to do it more, so that feelings of insecurity would subside. Imagine sending love to your reflection each time you say, "I love you", and keep doing it until you feel better.

Of course, the longer you do it, the better the result. If you just do this simple exercise everyday for a month, you will have noticed a major shift in your view of the world. This is a simple technique will work wonders if you put it to good use.

I hope this helps.

-Jason

[vartann]

a guy in Japan asked a man why he always went his way with a lantern alight - surely is to have a clear view of your path right ?.
his answer was that he knew his path alright - is for his Brethren in the Dark to follow him on fearlessly

[whattodo]

Since I am into guys, when I see a guy that looks attractive or cute, I wish I was like him too, I want to be like him..how he looks, etc. I want to stop thinking like this. Sometimes I feel hopeless, like if I will ever get someone to love, because I am gay and in closet.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by whattodo

Since I am into guys, when I see a guy that looks attractive or cute, I wish I was like him too, I want to be like him..how he looks, etc. I want to stop thinking like this. Sometimes I feel hopeless, like if I will ever get someone to love, because I am gay and in closet.

That is how you feel and perhaps what you believe. My question to you is it the truth? Is it absolutely positively the truth? I believe that there are choices available to you in finding a good relationship even if you choose not to come out publicly for everyone.

I live in a rural mid Western town in the U.S. I also know gay men who have relationships and most of the community is unaware of their sexual preferences.

My wish for you is clarity and happiness!