Determined in childhood?

[dulaney0330]

Lately, I have been struggling with depression and low confidence.

I keep rethinking over my childhood and resenting many things: I was too sensitive/shy, I did not have any skills like many children have (sports, arts, theater), I was teased at school and neglected at home.

I keep playing over this in my head and I feel I offer something to people but not greatness. I dont think people dislike me. I just feel people would prefer someone else over me.

I just feel like my life has been determined by my past and I cannot stop it.

Most people who have healthy childhoods grow up to do great things (whether in career or relational).

Those who have been abused, neglected, and ignored generally do poorly compared to those who had it "right."

I am resentful of this fact and I mourn the little girl who never had a chance.

I understand we all have choices and I have this victim mentality.

I feel stuck right now. I have been through years of therapy and self-help but I still cannot feel good about myself on a consistent basis.

Are our lives predetermined in our childhoods? I feel I cannot rise above what happened to me and have the confidence that would take me far.

At the same time, maybe I am scared of fulfilling my dreams?

Insight would be great. I feel like I need to think and feel clearly and I am frustrated when I am stuck in this darkness of distortions!

[blossom]

Hi Dulaney. I feel for you here, and it is very challenging when you KNOW that your victim mentality is where you are coming from, and not be able to fully break out of it yet.

I had a pretty nice childhood, but there was a fair bit of neglect and emotional abuse, which seemed to increase after I was 18 and has continued. I feel like I'm not half the person I was meant to be because of this, and it is hard to push past the victim mentality, as it is what we have come to be used to, since, in reality we ARE victims of other peoples ignorance and pain and victimhood themselves. I also went through a period of mourning for that child who has been lost, so it's perfectly normal.

I don't know if it is realistic to expect of yourself to feel good on a consistent basis...do you? I mean, even great people have crap days, they just don't tell anyone about it since it might sully their rep

What are your dreams? There's a book I have titled Ïf the dream is big enough, the facts don't count". Maybe searching out stories of people who inspire you may lead to the realization that not everyone who has had a great childhood went on to make something of themselves, as you think...and convertly, not everyone who had a less than loving childhood went on to be a hopeless case. I think the determining factor seems to be whether the INDIVIDUAL has a dream that they want to make happen or not? I know it's not always easy, but that seems to be an underlying thread in most great peoples stories...that they didn't let anything stand in their way...not even their past or these determining factors that hold so many people back.

I hope this doesn't make things worse for you, my message is that if you are inspired to greatness, then the universe has a way of helping you get there, regardless of where you came from.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by blossom

Hi Dulaney. I feel for you here, and it is very challenging when you KNOW that your victim mentality is where you are coming from, and not be able to fully break out of it yet.

Great empathy. Thanks. Its nice to know that other people can empathize with me!

Originally Posted by blossom

I had a pretty nice childhood, but there was a fair bit of neglect and emotional abuse, which seemed to increase after I was 18 and has continued. I feel like I'm not half the person I was meant to be because of this, and it is hard to push past the victim mentality, as it is what we have come to be used to, since, in reality we ARE victims of other peoples ignorance and pain and victimhood themselves. I also went through a period of mourning for that child who has been lost, so it's perfectly normal.

Again, thanks for the empathy and compassion. Little things like that make a person feel more calm and less worried about their problems.

I have this tendency to see everyone as perfect, its really frustrating. And when they do make mistakes, I say "well, that's ok," but when I make a mistake, it means something is wrong with me.

Originally Posted by blossom

I don't know if it is realistic to expect of yourself to feel good on a consistent basis...do you? I mean, even great people have crap days, they just don't tell anyone about it since it might sully their rep

I have this image of this ideal in my head of a woman who is outgoing, strong, competent, and confident. And when I measure myself against her, I always come up short. But I feel I have to have this image because it constantly makes me strive for better. On the other hand, I understand that idealism can be destructive if one is constantly feeling inadequate.

Originally Posted by blossom

What are your dreams? There's a book I have titled Ïf the dream is big enough, the facts don't count". Maybe searching out stories of people who inspire you may lead to the realization that not everyone who has had a great childhood went on to make something of themselves, as you think...and convertly, not everyone who had a less than loving childhood went on to be a hopeless case. I think the determining factor seems to be whether the INDIVIDUAL has a dream that they want to make happen or not? I know it's not always easy, but that seems to be an underlying thread in most great peoples stories...that they didn't let anything stand in their way...not even their past or these determining factors that hold so many people back.

I have never been good at many things since I was a child and I don't have specific dreams. I would like to be happy and successful but most of us do. I never truly found my niche and even things I enjoy (animals and psychology) gets old after a while.

Two things that I almost never tire of: food and travel.

Originally Posted by blossom

I hope this doesn't make things worse for you, my message is that if you are inspired to greatness, then the universe has a way of helping you get there, regardless of where you came from.

I want to be great so i can feel important and special but I have a feeling that even if I saved 50 people from a burning building, I'd say " well, anyone could have done it!"

My refusal to grant credit to my strengths is also feeding into my negative self-concept.

[unodesha]

I feel stuck right now. I have been through years of therapy and self-help but I still cannot feel good about myself on a consistent basis.

[blossom]

If you love food and travel, you may want to consider become a world renowned food critic I've considered this myself as I seriously LOVE food...and it's so fun to eat. I actually find eating a fun activity.

As for the ideal woman in your head...are you sure that isn't just there based on all the messages you have recieved in society since birth saying that you HAVE to be more extroverted?

I remember from an earlier post of yours that you said you were introverted...all the things you just pointed out as being your perfect ideal of how you want to be...are you sure that isn't someone elses oppinion of how THEY want you to be?
Extroverted people are always wanting introverts to be more like them because, to them and because they are the majority on this planet, they can't see or understand why anyone who isn't loud, attention seeking and bubbly (i.e what they consider "öutgoing" to be!) wouldn't want to be that way...it's the norm...for THEM!

It sounds like you have experienced alot of people not accepting you the way you are and so you have internalized the message from that that there is something 'wrong'with you, when really, the fault lies with THEIR inability to value the qualities in you that make you different from them! Do you see what I mean here?

It might help you to start looking at the qualities that make you different...quietness, intellectually active, introspective, etc. and to start finding the positives in these qualities that others are failing to see. It will help you feel more esteem for yourself, and less need to reach for an unreachable personality...you're not extroverted, like them, you're introverted LIKE YOU! Start to work at accepting yourself more...I think this will help you alot. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I just really think this might help...you don't HAVE to though, it's up to you entirely!

[dulaney0330]

Thanks Blossom for your words of wisdom, care, and empathy.

I understand the amount of time, energy, and thought that is put into threads like this. Thanks for taking the time.

I am introverted yet when I am outgoing I say to myself, "now, this is what I like!" People seem to like those who are more talkative since it correlates with more fun, humor, and charisma.

I have found that on first impressions, people say I am very outgoing and yet I begin to go back in my shell once I realize people will have to get to know me. I have this fundalmental believe that once people get to know me that they won't like me. My own family didn't seem to accept/like me and I have this fear others wont either.

If I had to narrow it down, it would have to be this fear that I am really not OK and that others will somehow see this. Intellectually, i know its all my subjective distortion but emotionally it feels real.

In school, I was quiet and people told me not to be so quiet! Part of it was I was naturally quiet but a lot of it was that I was insecure and anxious of others. I definitely allowed that to effect me and I never felt accepted by my peers until the 11th grade.

It's difficult when you have all these negative memories and not to allow that to dictate your thoughts or damper your confidence. Because it does both and its so easy to know what to do but difficult to do it.

I need to develop self-confidence. Blossom, do you suggest any activities to develop some confidence? I exercise and I am trying to learn to play the guitar but I keep saying that "well, anyone can do that." why is it so hard to accept good things?

[blossom]

Firstly, it's a pleasure.

Secondly, I am not sure whether it would be your thing or not, as many people equate martial arts with being too violent. It has worked wonders for me though, and being partially introverted I can say that I understand about not feeling like I'm O.K. I guess reminding yourself that you are o.k is probably a good start, even if it doesn't feel that way.

I do a particular MA called Shizen Ryu-or Natures Way, and it's based on the Taoist philosophy with meditation incorporated and heightened sense of energy and knowledge of the human anatomy and pressure points. I am reall natural at it, so for me, it's interesting. And it definately helps boost confidence, and you get fit...which was never that high on my priorites, but now that it is happening, it feels pretty good actually, which can affect your overall self-image and feelings oinside.

Self-confidence can be a tricky one...and everyone will slide now and then, and have a low self-esteem week or not be totally feeling ok...and that's o.k...it's realistic because we are always changing, in our circumstances, in our reality and habits etc. You could try some form of creative pursuit that you haven't tried before, and work on it. Even if you suck aat it at first, eventually you'll get better at it, and it can really help with the way you feel about yourself, to be able to sit back and go "Wow, I did that...I created that!
Try writing a list of 20 things that you think are good about being YOU! I know it sounds impossible and it is a very challenging exercise, but is you can come up with at least 5 to start with...then you'll be on your way. And it doesn't have to be done all at once either...you can go away and do something else, then come back to it later on when you think of something else. You may struggle with this, but I'm sure you can find some good things that you like about yourself.

I'll see if I can think of anything else, and let you know...but the martial arts idea is worth looking in to IMO. Oh and yes, anyone can learn guitar...that doesn't make it any less of an achievement does it? Guitars are pretty complex actually'.

[dulaney0330]

Blossom,

Interesting that you said that because my husband has been doing martial arts for years now and he wrestled with me and he said I am a natural. I have been meaning to go to one of his classes but I have taken the hint from life (you also mentioning it) and I will make it a priority to go to one of his classes on Sunday.

[Coffeesmurf]

Your story is very similar to mine. I had a pretty rough childhood - alcoholic parents, emotional and some physical abuse, very overweight, had a hard time at school, never participated in sports and activities and spent a lot of time alone since I was very shy.

I did the victim mentality thing as well - and I'm still struggling with it from time to time. But your past doesn't have to dictate your future. Today, I'm doing great. I have a lot of very good friends, I'm more outgoing and less afraid to meet new people and have a great job.

As for feeling good about yourself and achieving a higher self-esteem, I suggest looking into unconditional self-acceptance instead. Self-esteem is basically just your own very subjective opinion of your worth as a human being at this time - and can vary greatly. Connecting it with not making mistakes, excelling at your job or sports, having a loving partner or whatever sets you up for inevitable failure as does comparing yourself to other people.

Self-acceptance trancends these things and allows you to accept who you are, regardless or faults and circumstances. Besides, high self-esteem can actually lead to serious problems as well - that are more likely to affect other people negatively.

You can always do something to lead a life more in line with your values. Find out what really means something to you and set goals in line with those values. For instance, if you value being fun and social, then set very concrete goals which support that value.. like "I will attend this party on Friday" or "I will make smalltalk with two strangers today".

When self-defeating thoughts or feelings pop up - like being scared of following your dreams - just accept them and let them be. They are just thoughts and feelings.. nothing more than that. Not facts. Not something you have to act on or get rid of.

[blossom]

There you go then...just remember that if you feel like your husbands one isn't the right one for you , there are loads of other dojo's and you can shop around. But then again, you might get lucky and feel totally right about training with your husband and his teacher. Some of them can be bullies so watch out for that! (the teachers not your husband)

Good luck with it!

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf

Your story is very similar to mine. I had a pretty rough childhood - alcoholic parents, emotional and some physical abuse, very overweight, had a hard time at school, never participated in sports and activities and spent a lot of time alone since I was very shy.

I did the victim mentality thing as well - and I'm still struggling with it from time to time. But your past doesn't have to dictate your future. Today, I'm doing great. I have a lot of very good friends, I'm more outgoing and less afraid to meet new people and have a great job.

As for feeling good about yourself and achieving a higher self-esteem, I suggest looking into unconditional self-acceptance instead. Self-esteem is basically just your own very subjective opinion of your worth as a human being at this time - and can vary greatly. Connecting it with not making mistakes, excelling at your job or sports, having a loving partner or whatever sets you up for inevitable failure as does comparing yourself to other people.

Self-acceptance trancends these things and allows you to accept who you are, regardless or faults and circumstances. Besides, high self-esteem can actually lead to serious problems as well - that are more likely to affect other people negatively.

You can always do something to lead a life more in line with your values. Find out what really means something to you and set goals in line with those values. For instance, if you value being fun and social, then set very concrete goals which support that value.. like "I will attend this party on Friday" or "I will make smalltalk with two strangers today".

When self-defeating thoughts or feelings pop up - like being scared of following your dreams - just accept them and let them be. They are just thoughts and feelings.. nothing more than that. Not facts. Not something you have to act on or get rid of.

Thank you for your post. I am encouraged to know you went through a similar past and you have done well.

Thanks for caring!

[Gene]

It is never too late to have a happy childhood! I've come to believe the statment is true for me as I re-frame(d) my judgment of the past, people, situations, places and myself. Somewhere in the process they just become life lessons and the guilt and shame evaporates.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by Gene

It is never too late to have a happy childhood! I've come to believe the statment is true for me as I re-frame(d) my judgment of the past, people, situations, places and myself. Somewhere in the process they just become life lessons and the guilt and shame evaporates.

Thanks. How do you reframe?

[mikethedrummer44]

Hey Dulaney.

I feel where you're coming from to some degree. My life at home was decent... My parents were incredibly strict and forced religion on me. They were as encouraging as they could be, but they wanted (and still do) me to grow up, go to school, get a steady job, be normal. At school, I somehow never made friends after kindergarten, and was picked on all through 1st to 5th grade. I was always picked last at sports, and I can only remember having maybe one friend every year.

I don't know why, but for some reason in 6th grade I decided to take up skateboarding. I wasn't very good at first, but I learned extremely quick. I skateboarded with high school kids, so I was determined to prove myself. Soon, I was leaps and bounds better than anyone else in my elementary school. I started getting some respect because I was so good. Sixth grade was by far my best year in elementary school, and I still look back on it fondly. With my new found confidence, I decided to try something else. I took up playing the drums because I heard that it was hardest to play drums in the jazz band because so many people wanted to be the drum set player, and only two could be in it per year. I remember in my beginning percussion class there was 100+ students all playing loud obnoxious bell kits. Anyways, as with skateboarding, I worked my way to the top, and joined jazz a year earlier then any drummer before me.

After all this, I realized that I could do anything I wanted, and be the best. This was an insane paradigm shift from thinking I wasn't good enough to fit in. To this day, I'm known as the guy that can "do everything." I think the biggest thing for me was not being great at something, or finding I was talented, but the absolute confidence and determination that came with it. In fact, even with all my new talents, I still didn't get the respect I desired until I changed my mindset from being a follower to a leader.

Mainly what I'm trying to get at is this: Often it's our own thoughts that hold us back from our true potential. Yes, our thoughts can be molded from an early age, but we always have the conscious CHOICE to change our mindset. If you don't think you're good enough for other people, than you won't be. It's simple, but I know it's extremely hard to get over it. If you're having trouble, then find something that you have talent at and work at it until you have that sense of pride that comes from accomplishment. But really, you can change your mindset whenever you want.

You can be ANYTHING, you can do ANYTHING, and you can accomplish EVERYTHING. It's literally all in your head. Tell yourself everyday that you're confident, that you're living up to your full potential. But don't just tell yourself, BELIEVE it. Once you do, your body will change and adapt to your new thought process. Really, who cares what someone told you when you were a kid? Are you going to let what someone else said about you control how you turn out? It always makes me laugh when someone tells ME that I can't do something with my own body.

Wow, that was long. Hopefully you can dig through the random thoughts and put together what I was trying to say. Good luck!

[dulaney0330]

Thank you drummer man for your post!

I enjoyed your sincere encouragement and insight and it made me feel like I can do anything! Thanks for your energy and persuasion.

[AdamA]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Lately, I have been struggling with depression and low confidence.

I keep rethinking over my childhood and resenting many things:...

I keep playing over this in my head and I feel I offer something to people but not greatness...

I just feel like my life has been determined by my past and I cannot stop it.

Most people who have healthy childhoods grow up to do great things (whether in career or relational)...

Those who have been abused, neglected, and ignored generally do poorly compared to those who had it "right."...

I am resentful of this fact and I mourn the little girl who never had a chance.
...

I feel stuck right now. I have been through years of therapy and self-help but I still cannot feel good about myself on a consistent basis.

Are our lives predetermined in our childhoods? I feel I cannot rise above what happened to me and have the confidence that would take me far.

At the same time, maybe I am scared of fulfilling my dreams?

Insight would be great. I feel like I need to think and feel clearly and I am frustrated when I am stuck in this darkness of distortions!

Hi Dulaney,

I'm sorry you had to go through what you went through. I had a challenging childhood and have had to struggle with many of these same issues myself so can empathize with what you're going through.

1. "Most people who have healthy childhoods grow up to do great things..." - It's true that a healthy childhood can help you in terms of developing those life skills that you need early in life. I used to be jealous of all my friends who had great parents....but to paraphrase Napoleon Hill, "Within every setback or obstacle or disadvantage there is the seed of an equal or opposite or greater advantage or benefit." Here are some people who overcame bad childhoods and went on to do good things for the world:

• Oprah Winfrey - sexual abuse survivor, now one of the richest women in America
• Dustin Hoffman - Dustin was raised feeling unloved and negelected. In his own words given in a magazine interview, "I really think my brother and I grew up in a house with two people who should not have had children".
• Dr. Wayne Dyer - A famous motivational speaker and author, Dr. Dyer actually spent a part of his childhood being raised in orphanages. His mother married 2 alcoholics in a row.
• Louis Armstrong - Before he became a world famous trumpeter, Louis was deserted by his alcoholic father and neglected by his mother.
• Louise Hay - sexual abuse survivor and founder of one of the largest publishers of self help material in the world. She didn't become rich until she was well into her 60's. A true story of perseverance and positive thinking.
• You Dulaney - It takes courage to deal with the things you're dealing with. So take a win on this one on behalf of all abuse survivors everywhere!

I think about the famous people on this list whenever I feel like my childhood is going to stop me from achieving my dreams.

2. "I feel stuck right now." - Once I felt stuck, I realized I just needed to grieve a bit more. So I grieved. Then I worked on healing and other goals.

3. "Are our lives predetermined in our childhoods?" - In my experience our lives are shaped by your childhoods, but there was a point in my healing when I started to think that "yes, I had a poor foundation in life, but really the only one who can fix my life is me." I find that sense of responsibility is liberating and scary at the same time. It's liberating because you realize it depends on you. It's scary because, well, it depends on you.

In my experience, I find the healing process is dynamic. You set goals that stretch you (good job on taking up guitar by the way, it sounds like a good stretch). Don't worry if you feel like "anyone can do that." Try to set goals that make you happy or that you want to do as a person. For instance, I set a goal of running a marathon. It was a great goal, and I actually managed to complete one. So that was a good booster for me, and I found a new hobby - running!

The process of moving towards your goals helps you to grow into a more confident (and less depressed) person. Then you might fall back a bit into old patterns, but it's easier to break out of the rut. Do a little grieving, attend therapy. Then keep moving again. Eventually, you get to a place where you're much happier. It's not so much that you forgive or forget the abuse, but you learn to let go of it so that it doesn't continue to drag you down.

This was long, but I hoped it helped you.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

Thanks. How do you reframe?

The answer to your question can be a short version or a long version. I have opted to give a shorter answer here. I recommend The Work by Byron Katie. It is a practical, relatively quick, consistent and effective way to work on painful beliefs. The painful baggage we cling to from our childhood or any other period of our life is a belief in incorrect and/or improperly processed information.

The work can be very useful with the task of releasing old useless information. There are other ways and techniques which can be used including reading books. If The Work resonates with you it can provide remarkable quick and deep release from the beliefs that bind you. I recommend both the book and the audios of The Work and to read and listen often and intently as well as doing the exercises recommended in the material.

I've used so many tools in my journal to a healthier reality that it might overwhelm a reader to just send a long list. I do believe the work that I recommended can be helpful.

I have faith that everyone can overcome obstacles that they hold in their mind from times past and are still living with today. I experienced that in my own life. I have confidence and believe that you can also re-frame and relieve the painful past and emerge without the level of pain that so disturbs your life today.

I hold in my heart a vision of you healed of the unhappy and painful memories of the past and experiencing the happy childhood I mentioned before.

If I can be of help in any way please contact me on the forum or by personal message.

Happy trails!

[dulaney0330]

Thank you Adam and Gene for your uplifting and encouraging responses. I greatly appreciate it.