personal development causing stress in relationship

[Tonton Macoute]

well kind of, to an extent at any rate.
right basically I've been seeing a girl now for about 3 or 4 months and I am absolutley mad about her.
she is everything I want in a girlfriend and most of the time I fulfill her too.

However there is a bit of a snag. I'm 26 and shes 20.
for most of my teens/early 20s I was in bands and a bit of a hell raiser and had numerous problems with drugs, alchohol, aggression, relationships and was basically in a nose dive towards destroying my life completely until the end of 2007 when my long term relationship caved in. I gave up drugs and all of my friends immeditely ditched me and I lost my job, my home, my health collapsed to the point where i was told by doctors that I shouldn't be able to walk around.
long story short my life fell to pieces. however at that point I decided I had to make a change or I was gonna ruin my life so considering i had absolutely nothing I just cleared everything of my old life out and into the bin or storage and moved back to my folks for a few months.
I changed my diet and intake considerably, started going to the gym, got a job teaching music in a primary school which I found extremely fullfilling and moved into a new house with some friends. I started a graphic design company which was great boost for my confidence then closed that and went back to college this year. I eventually started meeting new girls and after about a year I met my current girlfriend.
thing is she is only 20 and was in a polyamorous relationship prior to us.
She understandably wants to enjoy her early 20s but I can tell I'm cramping her style somewhat considering I don't really drink and hate going to clubs and bars now as my stomach is so messed up that a few drinks will have me out of action for a few days.
also I've done the whole crazy sexual life style thing and in my mind its always more trouble then its worth and was a contributing factor my last relationship falling apart so I'm very wary.

basically I'm kinda torn. were very happy together but i can see this causing major trouble down the line and I'm not sure if I should just end it now or keep going.
if I give in and start going out with her I can see myself falling into old habits and not giving the attention my life needs in areas like college or health/
likewise if I don't go this route I'm gonna drive her away.

she says shes happier now then she's ever been and wouldn't want to go back to her old relationship but I still feel like I'm just being the old boring guy.

[ssandra]

why not let her make these decisions for herself?

You cannot read her mind, trust her if she says she is happy. If she is not anymore, she will tell you.

She can go out clubbing alone and the 2 of you can do other stuff together. There is no need to be together 24/7...

[Tonton Macoute]

Well you see there is a bit of a problem there.
when she split up with her last boyfriend she lost a lot of her old friends and is kinda looking to me for everything.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Tonton Macoute

for about 3 or 4 months and I am absolutley mad about her.
she is everything I want in a girlfriend and most of the time I fulfill her too.
I'm 26 and shes 20.
She understandably wants to enjoy her early 20s but I can tell I'm cramping her style somewhat considering I don't really drink and hate going to clubs and bars now
but i can see this causing major trouble down the line

What kind of trouble? Are there any signs of it now?

Originally Posted by Tonton Macoute

and I'm not sure if I should just end it now or keep going.

You've been with this girl for only 3/4 months, why not enjoy it for the time being and should that major trouble emerge down the line, deal with it then. And another thing, wouldn't you want to try and sort out this possible trouble? Before ending the relationship altogether?

Originally Posted by Tonton Macoute

if I give in and start going out with her I can see myself falling into old habits and not giving the attention my life needs in areas like college or health/
likewise if I don't go this route I'm gonna drive her away.

How's your relationship working out now for you in terms of going out? Do you go out with her? Can't you do somethings else together?
You said she had lost a lot of friends, how about encouraging her to find new friends and not be so dependent on you?

Originally Posted by Tonton Macoute

she says shes happier now then she's ever been and wouldn't want to go back to her old relationship but I still feel like I'm just being the old boring guy.

This is how you perceive yourself. If she says she's happy believe her, maybe ''the old boring guy'' is just what she needs right now.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Tonton Macoute

Well you see there is a bit of a problem there.
when she split up with her last boyfriend she lost a lot of her old friends and is kinda looking to me for everything.

That still does not disqualify her to making her own decisions... She is an adult, if she says it is ok, believe her!

[ar81]

Originally Posted by Tonton Macoute

if I give in and start going out with her I can see myself falling into old habits and not giving the attention my life needs in areas like college or health/
likewise if I don't go this route I'm gonna drive her away.

she says shes happier now then she's ever been and wouldn't want to go back to her old relationship but I still feel like I'm just being the old boring guy.

Boring? Don't you see that the old habits of drugs and alcohol is being a slave of fashion? You can tell what products they consume, and you also may estimate the budget for it.

If you ask me, freedom is advertised as boring by those who make money with such slaves.

Now you are free. And not going there is to enforce your freedom. you may not like to be enslaved by your old habits. Those who sell alcohol and drugs will not pay your bills if you get sick.

As for her, I'd say that if she wants to stay, she will stay. Else she will leave and you should accept both possibilities. In the end what makes you to stay together is if both have compatible life plans. Discuss her life plan.

She is too young, likely not to understand true freedom, and likely to fall in the trap of advertising and social pressures towards the slavery of a certain type of consumption.

You may like to talk about freedom to her. I bet she will enjoy more her freedom if she is away from the slavery of consumption and being a puppet of social pressures.

She may have a life plan. Help her to make it come true, and tell her you may like her to do that with yours too.

Do not let resentment to get in the way when you have to argue. It will make the relationship to last longer.

[rei]

i do not agree with what ar81 said about this girl being too young. she is an adult, and we can't know how mature she is for her age. it is not fair to me to assume she can't know what real freedom is because she happens to be 20. of course i admit i am biased because i am often the youngest one in a group of people but this is not as simple as ironically stomping one's foot about being an adult either.

to the OP i bet you are making this into a bigger thing than she is. she was interested in you for a lot of reasons, dating a music teacher would be cool and a lot of girls who date an older guy are a little bit proud that they were sophisticated enough to be seen on his level. that's how i was at 18 when i dated a 26 year old. having said all that, age really is just a number and it is only an issue if we decide to make it one.

it sounds to me like you are both committed to making healthier choices. if she wants to go to the bar, and you don't want her to go alone if she doesn't want to, you could go with her and order something nonalcoholic.

i definitely recommend that you both develop and maintain a few separate friendships. if this girl lost most of her friends when she and her ex ended the relationship, that, to me, is a red flag for potential codependency.

it is not healthy to draw all of your social and emotional needs from a single person, to lose your individual identity and become all about your partner. if she does have issues with codependency it is probably better to know now so you can watch for ways to encourage healthier ways of relating. relationships should be about wanting to be with someone, not needing to be needed. (truthfully i see a couple things in your own posts that make me wonder the same thing about you, but there is not enough there for me to be comfortable challenging you with that.)

[ar81]

The concept of adulthood is a legal concept.
But people have different stages in evolution.

Approximately from 15 to 24, people are trying to find their own identity, and it is hard for people to distinguish between "what I want" and "what you want" and it becomes hard to understand someone else because you do not even understand yourself.

She is too young, like a post-teenager. I have been with several groups of teens and young adults which engage in cultural activities. You notice that kind of identity problem. In those projects I have had to help them to solve some aspects of their lives too. When people grow up they pass through different stages.

Instead, Tonton Macoute, at your age you might now be in a different stage: "where do I fit in this world".

This transitional period is what I called "immaturity" as it will be hard for her to understand where you are, because she is in a different stage.

Being in a different stage should not be a problem if you understand the differences. And at some point she will be in the same stage you are. There is nothing wrong with it, it just requires to understand where you are and understand each other.

[SmartAlx]

You are right to worry. Yet you are also wrong. It is quite possible that if you go out with her a lot and party with her you might slip in your development. you might also lose her, and in doing so the loss to your development would have been for nothing. But you are sure to lose her if you don't let her sow her wild oats.

This is why I only date girls who are done with the party lifestyle. I must ask you to ask yourself, what is it about her that makes you so happy? Is it superficial? Is it her appearance? Her voice? The way she twirls her hair? Her tiny feet? The small of her back? The way she blushes and turns away when you catch her looking at you? Or are there deeper and more meaningful reasons? Are you compatible? What is life going to be like in 2 or 3 years after she is done partying? She'll still be much the same person, only less wild. Can you live with that?

You might need to make that hard choice and rip the bandage off. If you realize that it's best, be a man and do it.