Personal development and slipping up.

[Gracestars]

So we are all here (the majority of us anyway) as a part of our personal development. Over the last few years I have delt with a number of emotionally difficult experiences and have had to face my own personal 'demons' as a part of countering personal issues including loss and depression. I decided about a year or two back to choose happiness and feel I have come along way in being a happier, lighter and more emotionally self-sufficent human being.

At the weekend I found myself a part of a situation that brought up a whole string issues from my past that I had thought I had laid to rest. The circumstances themselves are not important, the situation derived from a vey silly mistake that had no inherinitly malicious intent, but that has caused an earthquake. As a result of this stupid mistake to which I am a part, I am having to deal with a very difficult and nasty person who is making me a nervous wreck.

The biggest problem is the shame and disappointment I feel in myself for having finally reached an even and happy keel in my life only to find myself in a situation that could have been avoided had I had my head screwed on properly at the time. The "mistake" itself is not a hanging offence, but it has thrown me into a deep feeling of embarrassment.

I guess my question is around going off course when on the road to personal development and how to deal with this. Despite the support I have from friends and family who assure me this is not a huge deal, I can't help but berate myself for being a damn fool...

[Gracestars]

To better explain but without going into unecessary detail the situation went something like this...

me = happy, great, centered ----> did stupid thing with group of people without thinking ----> encountered extreme overreaction from highly unstable person (ie: threats, intimidation etc etc) -----> have been the only one to try to make ammends and take responsibility for my own part ----> now in the deep end as a result.

Although I realise this person's response is completely out proportion, his reaction has thrown me, and I have taken on the abuse he has directed at me. I can't help but feel like "i know this is whole thing is ridiculous, but no-one else seems to get themselves into these situations, what the hell is wrong with me?"

[cylon]

Whatever it was you sure don't want to explain it too much.

Allowing yourself to make mistakes is hard. I have a tendency to beat myself up for things that don't even involve other people, so you can imagine how horrible I feel if I think it's harmed someone else.

Like you said to me it's a good sign that you are not whatever negative messages are being shouted at you. If you were, you'd just roll your eyes, and give the the old "whatever".

If someone is in your face and can't accept or forgive you for something, they might have something else going on, depends on it's a family member or friend or romantic partner, but I think the bottom line is someone feels they have the right to control you, and they feel that you are obligated to sit there and be criticized, long after whatever you did has passed.

If you feel you need to reassure this person that you know it was a mistake and that you are sorry, I would do it one more time IF you want---but I would be clear that this is the last time you are going to address this particular issue. If you are speaking from your heart and have genuine remorse, expecting anything else is just self-abuse. Stronger personal boundaries and just saying that you won't be talked to that way. Of course, when you do that, they're gonna test you to see if you really mean it.

That's the best I can figure from what you've said.

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by cylon

Whatever it was you sure don't want to explain it too much.

Allowing yourself to make mistakes is hard. I have a tendency to beat myself up for things that don't even involve other people, so you can imagine how horrible I feel if I think it's harmed someone else.

Like you said to me it's a good sign that you are not whatever negative messages are being shouted at you. If you were, you'd just roll your eyes, and give the the old "whatever".

If someone is in your face and can't accept or forgive you for something, they might have something else going on, depends on it's a family member or friend or romantic partner, but I think the bottom line is someone feels they have the right to control you, and they feel that you are obligated to sit there and be criticized, long after whatever you did has passed.

Answer to this could be stronger personal boundaries and just saying that you won't be talked to that way. Of course, when you do that, they're gonna test you to see if you really mean it.

That's the best I can figure from what you've said.

Cool, yeah that works. To be honest I'm not willing to share the event in question because it really is THAT ridiculous. I have a tendency to take other people's stuff on too much, so perhaps that is what is happening here. It just sucks that those who tend to sneak, hide and run are the ones who get away with murder, and yet honesty and taking responsibility is what can shove you in the limelight and ultimately work against you.

I guess I just really try to avoid drama but sometimes wonder how I manage to create it for myself. And that makes me angry at myself for undoing all my hard work.

[Gracestars]

I will say though, I'm loving the similtaneous, group counselling happening here cylon. That's kinda cool. ha.

[cylon]

They don't get away with it though... eventually it will get to them. Being willing to step up and acknowledge what you've done that could be wrong shows character, you are actually better off in the long run, even if it doesn't seem that way at the time. All our actions have consequences, and the people who say "I screwed up" are going to have better consequences over time.

The price for stepping up is you get to respect yourself. The price for running away from responsibility is that you don't ever get the opportunity to respect yourself in the first place.

Originally Posted by Gracestars

I will say though, I'm loving the similtaneous, group counselling happening here cylon. That's kinda cool. ha.

Absolutely!

[Jthorn]

"Look, I said I 'm sorry, OK?"
Make sure to give off the impression that if he doesn't reply "OK!", you 'll smash his face.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Gracestars

I decided about a year or two back to choose happiness and feel I have come along way in being a happier, lighter and more emotionally self-sufficent human being.

Try reminding yourself of this fact as much as possible, this one little 'setback'(in your opinion) shouldn't overshadow everything else you've done.

Originally Posted by Gracestars

The biggest problem is the shame and disappointment I feel in myself .
I guess my question is around going off course when on the road to personal development and how to deal with this.

People are not machines, a slip up is expected along the way, it just shows you what you need to work on a bit more.
Going off course is also a chance to learn something new about yourself.
You say you feel shame and disappointment, do you feel the need to be perfect? To deal with every situation in a perfect manner?

Originally Posted by Gracestars

extreme overreaction
highly unstable person (ie: threats, intimidation etc etc)
Although I realise this person's response is completely out proportion, his reaction has thrown me, and I have taken on the abuse he has directed at me.

Why? And how long do you think you're supposed to take this abuse?

Originally Posted by Gracestars

I guess I just really try to avoid drama but sometimes wonder how I manage to create it for myself.

What you resist persists Could it be you needed this 'drama' in order to work through what remaining issues you had? For example, these feelings of shame and disappointment? Why do you have such strong reactions? What can this situation teach you?

Originally Posted by Jthorn

"Look, I said I 'm sorry, OK?"
Make sure to give off the impression that if he doesn't reply "OK!", you 'll smash his face.

I'm also leaning towards this solution

[Patriciatta]

Sounds like you got a double whammy -

1. You fell off the wagon of being a happy healthy person in harmony with the world (momentarily)
2. Someone is taking the opportunity, sensing your shame and burying you

You are in turn burying yourself. Punishing yourself.

Painful! I can relate - I had a (stupid and small) regression of healthy/harmonious living out of the blue this past summer, and it made my head spin - where in the he** did that come from?

I had been on cloud nine! Isn't that one of the reasons we work on ourselves to be happy - to prevent upset, drama, mistakes, yada yada?

Relentless self-torture ensued. No one else was involved, so I didn't have that part luckily. It took some time, but the only way to really accept what had happened was to see myself as imperfect (ugh). My perfectionism was the aggressor - it followed me around all day.

I have to reassure myself that imperfection is part of my path, to teach me humility and compassion - to quit thinking of myself as better than everyone else. And just be.

Forgive yourself. You are only human. Even as I write "everyone makes mistakes" I don't want to believe it - I want to be better than that! So I still have work to do...

And your friend? Apologize and move on. Be direct and genuine, and that's it. Don't bring it up again. Unless you want to continue to punish yourself...

I hope that helps somewhere.

Hang in there -

[Talkofthatown919]

the situation that comes up as such. It really is a test to see how you've come to understand personal development.

[Brutha]

I have been the only one to try to make ammends and take responsibility for my own part[...]
I guess I just really try to avoid drama but sometimes wonder how I manage to create it for myself.

Trying isn't doing.
In hypnosis the word try is used as a suggestion that someone can't do something.
"Try to lift your arm" results in the partcipant unable to move his arm.

and yet honesty and taking responsibility is what can shove you in the limelight and ultimately work against you.

It not like you are really taking responsiblity.
You are in the grey zone between taking responsibilty for your mistake and between hiding it.

As a result of this stupid mistake to which I am a part

There no reason to use such a passive construction if you see yourself as the person that responsible.

have been the only one to try to make ammends and take responsibility for my own part[...]
Although I realise this person's response is completely out proportion, his reaction has thrown me, and I have taken on the abuse he has directed at me.

Here you don't seem to accept the results of your actions. That's not taking responsibilty.

To be honest I'm not willing to share the event in question because it really is THAT ridiculous.

Again, you aren't taking responsibilty for your actions but try to hide them.

Again that's what the polarisation stuff is about. When you are in the gray zone and don't decide you suffer.

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by Brutha

Trying isn't doing.
In hypnosis the word try is used as a suggestion that someone can't do something.
"Try to lift your arm" results in the partcipant unable to move his arm.
It not like you are really taking responsiblity.
You are in the grey zone between taking responsibilty for your mistake and between hiding it.
There no reason to use such a passive construction if you see yourself as the person that responsible.
Here you don't seem to accept the results of your actions. That's not taking responsibilty.
Again, you aren't taking responsibilty for your actions but try to hide them.

Again that's what the polarisation stuff is about. When you are in the gray zone and don't decide you suffer.

I don't agree with your opinions of me or the situation, but I admit it is hard for you to have a proper understanding of it when I have not explained the event or behaviour.

I have since realised after much discussion with people I do trust to share this information, that I have in fact been the target of a very unsavoury person and that because of my own "stuff" I have taken his abuse on board. In acting like a victim I have become the victim.

This wasn't really the inital point of my post however. It was more around how to deal with slipping up, of going off course of the 'right' track and how best to cope with the sense of personal disappointment that results.

Again, this situation is more complex than I have been able to suggest without going into detail. So thank you and nevermind.

G.

[Guru Shakti]

I promise you, we have all done things we are not so happy about. But, that advice doesn't stop the hurt when you're in the middle of it all. There are three things that you should do to work through this experience in your life, I believe this can help you.

1. Take a step back and see the whole picture. You have grown so much, you have made a lot of very good choices in your life. Now when you think you are ahead, this happens. But, what if you had to grow to a certain point, where you were finally ready to deal with the rest of this stuff coming out of you? Take a deep look and learn the lesson that is trying to be taught from this experience.

2. Forgive! Forgive yourself and the other person involved. You don't have to do this in person, this can be all within yourself. Remember we are all doing the best we can, with where we are at in life.

3. TLC! You need some TLC, and you need to give it to yourself. Do something for yourself, something that helps you to feel better. In times like this, it's essential to take care of yourself.

These things are described in further detail at my husbands site below along with other lessons we learned from Eastern Guru's and Western Experts, that would be so valuable to you right now.