Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

cylon · 11-03-2009, 12:29 AM

Hey folks. A while back I was having a conversation with Steve in one of his threads and I mentioned that I had a friend that was not good for me, a very negative influence in my life. Steve encouraged me to break off the friendship based on me explaining how uncomfortable I was feeling around this person.

Well, I did. And I feel much freer, it's just been a positive experience. Now, I have called this friend on the phone a few times in the last few months not to completely burn bridges, and I ended up visiting him one time. And when I was hanging out with him, the reasons I decided to stop were even more strong in my mind. That was about six weeks ago. In my mind I'm thinking "I shouldn't be here, this is a bad place for me to be."

Well, he has called me and is sounding all sad and I can tell it's bothering him that I am not talking to him, he left me a voicemail. Thing is I don't want to call this guy back. I feel horrible about it, he is not a bad person but he just isn't a positive influence in my life and has actively tried to make me give up on certain dreams and goals because he probably didn't want to lose me to a more successful lifestyle. Certain positive things I did, he made fun of like I was foolish for trying new things.

I'm feeling very guilty but I just can't bring myself to call this guy back, we've been friends for like 15 years but I don't know how to pursue this. I still haven't returned his call, which was on Friday night. I feel some sort of obligation to further the friendship, but most of me is saying put it in the past. Any insight is appreciated.

(I figured this was the best place for this, and not the social and relationships threads, as this is about my own feelings of guilt, I already know the friendship probably shouldn't continue, but mods please move it if you think it's in the wrong place. )

Tanja · 11-03-2009, 01:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cylon

Steve encouraged me to break off the friendship based on me explaining how uncomfortable I was feeling around this person.
Well, I did.
Now, I have called this friend on the phone a few times in the last few months not to completely burn bridges

I'm not sure I completely understand this part about breaking off the friendship but not wanting to burn the bridges? Do you mean you wanted to make sure you were still on good terms, that he didn't 'resent' you, that he had a good opinion of you? Did you just want to 'keep in touch' from time to time (phone/email) but not really hang out with him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by cylon

I'm feeling very guilty but I just can't bring myself to call this guy back, we've been friends for like 15 years but I don't know how to pursue this. I still haven't returned his call, which was on Friday night. I feel some sort of obligation to further the friendship, but most of me is saying put it in the past.

If you feel you cannot maintain any kind of contact with him, then the best thing would be to be honest.
I'm guessing you'd like to end it but in such a way so that he doesn't resent you?

cylon · 11-03-2009, 01:44 AM

Hi Tanja,

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tanja

I'm not sure I completely understand this part about breaking off the friendship but not wanting to burn the bridges? Do you mean you wanted to make sure you were still on good terms, that he didn't 'resent' you, that he had a good opinion of you? Did you just want to 'keep in touch' from time to time (phone/email) but not really hang out with him?

That's pretty much it, not be the bad guy. I don't hate him, I just have no desire to hang out with him.

And this has happened before, several years ago I went an entire year without contacting him--and I told him exactly why I was doing it. Nothing's really changed that much, and he knows why I'm doing it. He's not wondering why I'm not calling him, he probably just doesn't want to accept it. So it's not like he's going to get some revelation from me, he already knows what's going on.

I don't want to "end it", I really don't want to do anything. I don't want to feel obligated to return a phone call, essentially.

Tanja · 11-03-2009, 02:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cylon

And this has happened before, several years ago I went an entire year without contacting him--and I told him exactly why I was doing it. Nothing's really changed that much, and he knows why I'm doing it. He's not wondering why I'm not calling him, he probably just doesn't want to accept it. So it's not like he's going to get some revelation from me, he already knows what's going on.

I'd still call him and tell him the same things you say you told him several years ago.
Even if that means you'd be a 'bad' guy, all those years of friendship merit at least honesty (again).
If you were always the first one to renew the contact after periods of 'silence', I guess he thinks it's just one of your phases again.

Good luck!

cylon · 11-03-2009, 02:21 AM

Thanks for the advice Tanja, not sure what I'll do but you make a good point.

Gracestars · 11-03-2009, 03:17 AM

It sounds as though you are still ambivelant about the friendship, that you haven't entirely let it go yet yourself. And to be really honest it sounds like are more worried about YOU being perceived as the bad guy in this situation, about the light in which YOU might be seen by others, than any real concern for this person's feelings or regarding the friendship itself. I don't think it is right to continue contact for this reason alone. As they say, act out of love not fear.

I have been in both your position and on the receiving end of it, and I urge you to keep in mind that it can be incredibly painful to be 'dumped' by a friend. If you feel this is absolutely the best course of action and that there is no way of communicating and resolving the issue between you, then I would suggest acting with integrity and honesty and finally laying it to rest once and for all.

cylon · 11-03-2009, 03:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gracestars

It sounds as though you are still ambivelant about the friendship, that you haven't entirely let it go yet yourself. And to be really honest it sounds like are more worried about YOU being perceived as the bad guy in this situation, about the light in which YOU might be seen by others, than any real concern for this person's feelings or regarding the friendship itself. I don't think it is right to continue contact for this reason alone. As they say, act out of love not fear.

I have been in both your position and on the receiving end of it, and I urge you to keep in mind that it can be incredibly painful to be 'dumped' by a friend. If you feel this is absolutely the best course of action and that there is no way of communicating and resolving the issue between you, then I would suggest acting with integrity and honesty and finally laying it to rest once and for all.

Thanks for that input. I am 32, I've known this guy since I was 17 years old so naturally there's going to be some ambivalence there. But I honestly regret having been a part of the friendship in the first place, and wish I had been stronger years ago and done my own thing and ended it then. But I was afraid of being lonely so I allowed myself to get swept up in this negative, depressing world of his and it is my fault really I am in this situation, he is who he is, I just could have been stronger.

aggie · 11-03-2009, 03:23 AM

i have found in life if there is some kind of distance between friends, geographical or otherwise.....some how it always ends up onesided.

it is not necessarily intentional...but one person, perhaps in this case you, have moved on to where you don't have time for idle exchange.

i have been on both ends where i have tried to maintain contact and the other person just acts like they can take it or leave it....or they are more aggresive in their attempts for contact, but circumstances do not allow the response from me that they may desire.

it does not mean i don't desire contact at all...life just changes for everyone and if you are really good friends an occasional exchnage will suffice, if you are not, if it is really just too one sided and too much energy with little benefit....it will wane.....and it doesn't mean you can't pick it up again...but sometimes you just have to make a choice in priorities and energy expense.

cylon · 11-03-2009, 03:28 AM

Yes, it is a bit one-sided, and thanks for pointing out that it's not that crucial. We've grown apart and I think it's in my best interest to just avoid this person.
Walking away from this friendship in the first place has been a major thing for me in my personal growth, I don't want to mess with that.

Gracestars · 11-03-2009, 03:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cylon

Thanks for that input. I am 32, I've known this guy since I was 17 years old so naturally there's going to be some ambivalence there. But I honestly regret having been a part of the friendship in the first place, and wish I had been stronger years ago and done my own thing and ended it then. But I was afraid of being lonely so I allowed myself to get swept up in this negative, depressing world of his and it is my fault really I am in this situation, he is who he is, I just could have been stronger.

In that case, if your feelings are that strong and deeply rooted, than it doesn't serve either of you to continue the friendship. In fact it's not really a friendship at all if you think about it. Let it go. If it seems appropriate, then explain why, otherwise he will hopefully get the hint, the friendship will wane as Aggie said, and you can both get on with your lives.

aggie · 11-03-2009, 03:31 AM

and you shouldn't.

i used to really stress about the loss of people in my lives, by their choice mostly and now mine.

it isn't the most comfortable situation, but if you look at the big picture and what is important to YOU, after a while, you realize it is just another evolvement that is no one's fault or responsibility....it just happens as it is meant to be.

Gracestars · 11-03-2009, 03:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aggie

and you shouldn't.

i used to really stress about the loss of people in my lives, by their choice mostly and now mine.

it isn't the most comfortable situation, but if you look at the big picture and what is important to YOU, after a while, you realize it is just another evolvement that is no one's fault or responsibility....it just happens as it is meant to be.

That's a really nice way of looking at it, Aggie

cylon · 11-03-2009, 03:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gracestars

In that case, if your feelings are that strong and deeply rooted, than it doesn't serve either of you to continue the friendship. In fact it's not really a friendship at all if you think about it. Let it go. If it seems appropriate, then explain why, otherwise he will hopefully get the hint, the friendship will wane as Aggie said, and you can both get on with your lives.

True, it actually wasn't a real friendship. Kind of weird to acknowledge that now, but it's true. They say birds of a feather flock together but that's not necessarily a good thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aggie

and you shouldn't.

i used to really stress about the loss of people in my lives, by their choice mostly and now mine.

it isn't the most comfortable situation, but if you look at the big picture and what is important to YOU, after a while, you realize it is just another evolvement that is no one's fault or responsibility....it just happens as it is meant to be.

I guess I'm just not as used to walking away from situations. Getting better at it, but this is a "big one" for me to walk away from.

I feel more relaxed about this, I appreciate the feedback guys. I realize it's not necessarily the huge deal I'm making it out to be. I was half expecting "don't ever burn bridges! Real friends area always there for each other!" I had those ideas in my head and they were making me feel guilty. Less so, now.

I really feel a huge wave of relief washing over me, glad I asked the question.

Gracestars · 11-03-2009, 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cylon

True, it actually wasn't a real friendship. Kind of weird to acknowledge that now, but it's true. They say birds of a feather flock together but that's not necessarily a good thing.

I guess I'm just not as used to walking away from situations. Getting better at it, but this is a "big one" for me to walk away from.

I feel more relaxed about this, I appreciate the feedback guys. I realize it's not necessarily the huge deal I'm making it out to be. I was half expecting "don't ever burn bridges! Real friends area always there for each other!" I had those ideas in my head and they were making me feel guilty. Less so, now.

I really feel a huge wave of relief washing over me, glad I asked the question.

I think the fact you have struggled with this and experienced some feeling of guilt only demonstrates that you are a good friend and a decent human being. I don't think it is a small deal by any means. Losing/letting go of friendships has been one of the hardest things for me to accept as a part of life. I'm 25 and it is only in the last couple of years that I have learnt to be more philosophical about the letting go of some of my childhood friendships.

cylon · 11-03-2009, 04:08 AM

Thanks, I do hope that I am the best friend I can be. But like you said earlier, in this case, I'm not actually a good friend to this specific person, or he to me. I could actually be interfering with HIS happiness by going through the motions and being a false friend to him. He doesn't deserve to be with a friend who would rather not be there in the first place. People just grow apart and it's allowable. I consider myself very loyal, probably why it's taken me so long to be ok with this, but I have to think of my own needs.

Man I picked the right people to to respond to my thread tonight.

Gracestars · 11-03-2009, 04:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cylon

Thanks, I do hope that I am the best friend I can be. But like you said earlier, in this case, I'm not actually a good friend to this specific person, or he to me. I could actually be interfering with HIS happiness by going through the motions and being a false friend to him. He doesn't deserve to be with a friend who would rather not be there in the first place. People just grow apart and it's allowable. I consider myself very loyal, probably why it's taken me so long to be ok with this, but I have to think of my own needs.

Man I picked the right people to to respond to my thread tonight.

I totally agree with you, and that was my point in my earlier responses to you.

Glad you found it helpful Cylon. You can have a crack at my doozy of a thread in the same forum if you like.

cylon · 11-03-2009, 04:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gracestars

I totally agree with you, and that was my point in my earlier responses to you.

I know, I just had to say it out loud to internalize it for real.

Tanja · 11-03-2009, 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cylon

But like you said earlier, in this case, I'm not actually a good friend to this specific person, or he to me. I could actually be interfering with HIS happiness by going through the motions and being a false friend to him. He doesn't deserve to be with a friend who would rather not be there in the first place. People just grow apart and it's allowable.

I agree with this.
When it comes to friendships I always remember a poem saying ''People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.''
He was there to teach you some kind of lesson (realize what you don't want?, continue with something even though he made fun of it), now it's time for you and him to move on in different directions.

cylon · 11-03-2009, 10:07 AM

I'd heard the first part, but never this part "When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.'' That adds a whole new dimension to it.

I think you're right, I can see some lessons from it that I think I've learned.

Jthorn · 11-03-2009, 10:52 AM

But if you cut him off, he might turn into a psycho stalker.

Would it be possible to respond to his calls for contact with invites to the new stuff going on in your life? Either he accepts and moves on himself, or stays in his world and is the one keeping away from you.

Brutha · 11-03-2009, 11:26 AM

Quote:

I feel more relaxed about this, I appreciate the feedback guys. I realize it's not necessarily the huge deal I'm making it out to be. I was half expecting "don't ever burn bridges!

You should burn those bridges that bring you to a place where your life is miserable.
There's no reason to leave those bridges standing.

Books like Think and Grow Rich emphase the importance of burning bridges.

blossom · 11-03-2009, 12:06 PM

Jthorn: I don't know that there is any cause at this stage to put fearful thoughts like that into cylons mind.
I'm sure that isn't going to happen. Infact there would be more likelihood of his friend turning into a "psycho-stalker", if cylon actually did start fearing that outcome...so it's probably best to not go there don't you think?

brendannz · 11-03-2009, 01:38 PM

I think it might be an idea to contact him and keep up for once a month or less. That way you keep in touch, but not too much time around him.

Just a thought.

aggie · 11-03-2009, 02:06 PM

definitely friendships waning and ultimately dissolvings is no small thing and it can be painful, regardless of what side you are on.

lord knows i have made countless attempts to stay in touch with people that were important to me, until i realized it wasn't as important to them..sometimes life just gets in the way tho'...

there have been times when i have been the "dropee" and in most of cases have not known why or have been misunderstood in some ways. so i would agonize and try to mend the bridge....it took me years sometimes to realize that you can apologize only so many times for things you are not sure you did, that sometimes THEY are the ones with the problem!

there have been times i thought people have been very nonchanlant about friendships ending....but i agree, even though it takes a bit of adjusting...there is a time and a season for each one.

Holistic Star · 11-03-2009, 02:14 PM

Coincidentally I just watched the Seinfeld episode where Jerry tries to dump a male friend and he cries, so Jerry backs down.

I've dumped a friend before - worse than ending a relationship. Wish I hadn't done it in quite so dramatic a way, but like you, she wasn't taking the hint that I was avoiding her! 4 years on I prefer life without this person in it. Still, I was definitely the bad guy - and I lost other friends because of it because she was the 'injured party'. Ho hum.

Is there any specific behaviour that you could pick him up on. e,g, - when you make fun of my plans, I don't like it and then I don't want to spend much time with you.

ar81 · 11-03-2009, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cylon

I'm feeling very guilty but I just can't bring myself to call this guy back, we've been friends for like 15 years but I don't know how to pursue this. I still haven't returned his call, which was on Friday night. I feel some sort of obligation to further the friendship, but most of me is saying put it in the past. Any insight is appreciated.

So do you feel guilty for not going back to a psychologically toxic relationship where no one is happy?
Friendship is about growth, not codependence.
If he is not happy, it is not your fault or your problem. If he is not happy without you, he will not be happy with you.
If he needs friends, he should go out and make new ones. You are not the only person on Earth.

cylon · 11-03-2009, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jthorn

But if you cut him off, he might turn into a psycho stalker.

Would it be possible to respond to his calls for contact with invites to the new stuff going on in your life? Either he accepts and moves on himself, or stays in his world and is the one keeping away from you.

He STARTED as a psycho stalker, when I was younger. He wore me down, he'd show up to my work, and if I was out with other friends, I would come home and see him parked in my driveway, just waiting for me.

When I first broke off our friendship, for over a year, he had stopped that though, he left me alone, never called or anything. I can talk to him occasionally but I have nothing to SAY to him now.

Daffy Duck · 11-03-2009, 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brutha

You should burn those bridges that bring you to a place where your life is miserable.

I agree. There's no point in keeping a bridge to hell.

At the same time, I think it's important to look at ourselves, because often it's not the bridge but the person walking on it that makes it miserable.

I almost burned a bridge with a negative friend a while back. What I didn't know then was that he was going through a lot of rough times. I'm glad I didn't completely cut him out of my life. We're better friends now.

This friend does sound psycho though. Most likely a good bridge to burn.

cylon · 11-03-2009, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brutha

Books like Think and Grow Rich emphase the importance of burning bridges.

I'll research this more, thanks for the tip, and no it doesn't make sense to keep walking on a bridge to pain.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

Is there any specific behaviour that you could pick him up on. e,g, - when you make fun of my plans, I don't like it and then I don't want to spend much time with you.

It's not a behavior, it's an attitude. And that attitude has been to keep me from believing I could date girls, be successful in life, live where I want to live. I get the sense that long ago he decided to stop pursuing any type of passionate life and that he had designated me as the one who was going to be there with him so he wasn't totally alone, and it's been years like that. Recently I've been going out more alone, and introducing myself to people, and he's had nothing but contempt for that. I would call him and tell him about something I just did I was proud of, and he would just dump all over it and make me feel stupid for even bringing it up in the first place. Even writing this makes me mad at the guy.

I would never break off a friendship if it were something I felt I could solve just by talking.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ar81

So do you feel guilty for not going back to a psychologically toxic relationship where no one is happy?
Friendship is about growth, not codependence.
If he is not happy, it is not your fault or your problem. If he is not happy without you, he will not be happy with you.
If he needs friends, he should go out and make new ones. You are not the only person on Earth.

Very true, no it's not about codependence. I think in the past that's pretty much what it was though.

Thanks all for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

ProbableReality · 11-03-2009, 09:53 PM

This thread drew me because of a similar situation.

I am focused on positive, joyful growth right now. It is not my job to fix this person. Nevertheless, I radiate a positive effect on him.

LOA will take care of this for me. My new powerful focus on abundance does not allow for the negativity of others. I also realize that when I say "no, no, no" to poor relationships, I will attract more of them (or the essence).

BTW, I am also a "droppee". That used to rattle me until I began to allow others the freedom to BE. One of my affirmations is not to be offended by others who do not vibrate on my level.

11-03-2009, 12:29 AM	#1 (permalink)
cylon Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 4,676	Outgrown friends contacting you. Hey folks. A while back I was having a conversation with Steve in one of his threads and I mentioned that I had a friend that was not good for me, a very negative influence in my life. Steve encouraged me to break off the friendship based on me explaining how uncomfortable I was feeling around this person. Well, I did. And I feel much freer, it's just been a positive experience. Now, I have called this friend on the phone a few times in the last few months not to completely burn bridges, and I ended up visiting him one time. And when I was hanging out with him, the reasons I decided to stop were even more strong in my mind. That was about six weeks ago. In my mind I'm thinking "I shouldn't be here, this is a bad place for me to be." Well, he has called me and is sounding all sad and I can tell it's bothering him that I am not talking to him, he left me a voicemail. Thing is I don't want to call this guy back. I feel horrible about it, he is not a bad person but he just isn't a positive influence in my life and has actively tried to make me give up on certain dreams and goals because he probably didn't want to lose me to a more successful lifestyle. Certain positive things I did, he made fun of like I was foolish for trying new things. I'm feeling very guilty but I just can't bring myself to call this guy back, we've been friends for like 15 years but I don't know how to pursue this. I still haven't returned his call, which was on Friday night. I feel some sort of obligation to further the friendship, but most of me is saying put it in the past. Any insight is appreciated. (I figured this was the best place for this, and not the social and relationships threads, as this is about my own feelings of guilt, I already know the friendship probably shouldn't continue, but mods please move it if you think it's in the wrong place. ) Last edited by cylon; 11-03-2009 at 12:45 AM.

11-03-2009, 01:38 PM	#23 (permalink)
brendannz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 1,273	I think it might be an idea to contact him and keep up for once a month or less. That way you keep in touch, but not too much time around him. Just a thought. __________________ "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau

11-03-2009, 02:14 PM	#25 (permalink)
Holistic Star Moderator Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 1,329	Coincidentally I just watched the Seinfeld episode where Jerry tries to dump a male friend and he cries, so Jerry backs down. I've dumped a friend before - worse than ending a relationship. Wish I hadn't done it in quite so dramatic a way, but like you, she wasn't taking the hint that I was avoiding her! 4 years on I prefer life without this person in it. Still, I was definitely the bad guy - and I lost other friends because of it because she was the 'injured party'. Ho hum. Is there any specific behaviour that you could pick him up on. e,g, - when you make fun of my plans, I don't like it and then I don't want to spend much time with you. __________________ My new blog: The Self Confident Soul. I would love your comments Twitter: Follow Me

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11-03-2009, 02:21 AM	#5 (permalink)
cylon Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 4,676	Thanks for the advice Tanja, not sure what I'll do but you make a good point.

11-03-2009, 03:17 AM	#6 (permalink)
Gracestars Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 327	It sounds as though you are still ambivelant about the friendship, that you haven't entirely let it go yet yourself. And to be really honest it sounds like are more worried about YOU being perceived as the bad guy in this situation, about the light in which YOU might be seen by others, than any real concern for this person's feelings or regarding the friendship itself. I don't think it is right to continue contact for this reason alone. As they say, act out of love not fear. I have been in both your position and on the receiving end of it, and I urge you to keep in mind that it can be incredibly painful to be 'dumped' by a friend. If you feel this is absolutely the best course of action and that there is no way of communicating and resolving the issue between you, then I would suggest acting with integrity and honesty and finally laying it to rest once and for all.

11-03-2009, 03:23 AM	#8 (permalink)
aggie Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 1,425	i have found in life if there is some kind of distance between friends, geographical or otherwise.....some how it always ends up onesided. it is not necessarily intentional...but one person, perhaps in this case you, have moved on to where you don't have time for idle exchange. i have been on both ends where i have tried to maintain contact and the other person just acts like they can take it or leave it....or they are more aggresive in their attempts for contact, but circumstances do not allow the response from me that they may desire. it does not mean i don't desire contact at all...life just changes for everyone and if you are really good friends an occasional exchnage will suffice, if you are not, if it is really just too one sided and too much energy with little benefit....it will wane.....and it doesn't mean you can't pick it up again...but sometimes you just have to make a choice in priorities and energy expense.

11-03-2009, 03:28 AM	#9 (permalink)
cylon Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 4,676	Yes, it is a bit one-sided, and thanks for pointing out that it's not that crucial. We've grown apart and I think it's in my best interest to just avoid this person. Walking away from this friendship in the first place has been a major thing for me in my personal growth, I don't want to mess with that.

11-03-2009, 03:31 AM	#11 (permalink)
aggie Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 1,425	and you shouldn't. i used to really stress about the loss of people in my lives, by their choice mostly and now mine. it isn't the most comfortable situation, but if you look at the big picture and what is important to YOU, after a while, you realize it is just another evolvement that is no one's fault or responsibility....it just happens as it is meant to be.

11-03-2009, 04:08 AM	#15 (permalink)
cylon Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 4,676	Thanks, I do hope that I am the best friend I can be. But like you said earlier, in this case, I'm not actually a good friend to this specific person, or he to me. I could actually be interfering with HIS happiness by going through the motions and being a false friend to him. He doesn't deserve to be with a friend who would rather not be there in the first place. People just grow apart and it's allowable. I consider myself very loyal, probably why it's taken me so long to be ok with this, but I have to think of my own needs. Man I picked the right people to to respond to my thread tonight.

11-03-2009, 10:07 AM	#19 (permalink)
cylon Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 4,676	I'd heard the first part, but never this part "When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.'' That adds a whole new dimension to it. I think you're right, I can see some lessons from it that I think I've learned.

11-03-2009, 10:52 AM	#20 (permalink)
Jthorn Banned Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 125	But if you cut him off, he might turn into a psycho stalker. Would it be possible to respond to his calls for contact with invites to the new stuff going on in your life? Either he accepts and moves on himself, or stays in his world and is the one keeping away from you.

11-03-2009, 12:06 PM	#22 (permalink)
blossom Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Melbourne, Australia Posts: 477	Jthorn: I don't know that there is any cause at this stage to put fearful thoughts like that into cylons mind. I'm sure that isn't going to happen. Infact there would be more likelihood of his friend turning into a "psycho-stalker", if cylon actually did start fearing that outcome...so it's probably best to not go there don't you think?

11-03-2009, 02:06 PM	#24 (permalink)
aggie Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 1,425	definitely friendships waning and ultimately dissolvings is no small thing and it can be painful, regardless of what side you are on. lord knows i have made countless attempts to stay in touch with people that were important to me, until i realized it wasn't as important to them..sometimes life just gets in the way tho'... there have been times when i have been the "dropee" and in most of cases have not known why or have been misunderstood in some ways. so i would agonize and try to mend the bridge....it took me years sometimes to realize that you can apologize only so many times for things you are not sure you did, that sometimes THEY are the ones with the problem! there have been times i thought people have been very nonchanlant about friendships ending....but i agree, even though it takes a bit of adjusting...there is a time and a season for each one.

11-03-2009, 09:53 PM	#30 (permalink)
ProbableReality Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 52	This thread drew me because of a similar situation. I am focused on positive, joyful growth right now. It is not my job to fix this person. Nevertheless, I radiate a positive effect on him. LOA will take care of this for me. My new powerful focus on abundance does not allow for the negativity of others. I also realize that when I say "no, no, no" to poor relationships, I will attract more of them (or the essence). BTW, I am also a "droppee". That used to rattle me until I began to allow others the freedom to BE. One of my affirmations is not to be offended by others who do not vibrate on my level.

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