Super messed up.

[Penelopi]

sorry if this is so random and jumbled i just can't think clearly and just need to release my thoughts.





Hello! Im new here and I am messed up. Super messed up i want to live under a rock. if you are my friend you would think i'm crazy but no need to mention because i already know and i don't know what to do anymore with myself. You'd probably think this is all my fault and so petty but anyway, here's the problem that's bugging me for 1 1/2 yrs already.


fresh from all girl's school to college, i was a lesbo (well that's what i told myself). you know in an all girls school, girls drool over girls who looks like a boy, and the ones who look like boys acts / pretend / become butch, lesbian, etc because of how people view them. (that's what's hs's like anyway)


okay so, i was one of those who turned into a lesbo. i really marked my actions because im not going to be the one who pretends to be lesbo but as soon as boys appear will eventually turn into a sl*t?! i always marked my word so i changed myself literally, my mindset, i suppressed some parts of me (not thinking of the possible consequences, because i thought it was all under control ) Oh and i also had a relationship w/ a girl.


I ended my relationship because little by little i realized I was losing friends. By this happening, I was slowly turning into a girl again. l was starting to drop my lesbo identity. It actually made me think that I'm no diff than the other lesbos in hs because its college and its mixed its not like in hs where girls will keep adding fuel in the fire.


Suddenly i got overwhelmed with my life the fact that im losing friends, I lost friends, i am making new impressions and the worst is that i feel like its not a game anymore. I dunno if im just taking things too serious because I am losing friends. At the same time I'm thinking no, no, no... this is part of the game i shouldn't give in to this thoughts that i don't know myself anymore blablabla, I'm the one that started this, so I'm in control with what I'm doing to myself.


But i just couldn't shake the feeling anymore. It was literally eating me up, my mind keep saying "no you don't know who you are anymore. you've messed up, you've messed up" til i broke down, this was the time i felt crazy. I feel like my thoughts are eating me. I was going crazy because i don't understand what's happening in my mind, I don't understand what's happening to me.. a part of me wants to fight my mind, another part is not sure if that's the right thing so i just ended up not fighting it. ( i know its confusing) its just i don't know if my mind is my enemy here or is this the consequence I have to face???




this is a really rare and petty issue so i don't expect everyone will get. i just need to vent this out and maybe someone might understand.



Penelopi

[themaster]

Okay, I'll try

its just i don't know if my mind is my enemy here or is this the consequence I have to face???

Technically, speaking your mind is your enemy.. actually it's all our enemies it's all this thinking that got the world this crazy.. at the same time we did some neat things.. we built buildings, and a/c and mp3 players

It sounds to me like your having a war inside between the negative and the positive in you.. (perhaps the merging of multiple personalities) if I were you.. I'd choose positive.. that's integrative energy and it can only help you integrate.. if you like however being negative and segregative then go do that (I'm not taking sides)

What more would like help on this or clarification?

I can tell you if you want to perform a type of self-healing/quick fix then I currently only know of 1 method.. if you want to take your time and choose what you know about reality etc. I can also point you to those type of resources.. or perhaps for now this post is enough?

[Penelopi]

wooh! finally! haha thanks for the try


i actually need an outside perspective of what's happening because i've mentally tortured myself already. i tried so much to try and understand and fix this that i can't see the outside nymore.. literally.

i actually think i have personality disorder already. this person i am now today IS TOTALLY different from me before. I feel like im in an altered state of consciousness. haha. (seriously) i can't even face my friends anymore because how can i face them when i don't know who i am?!? im just holding onto the idea that they know of me so at least i can pretend that im still the same although i know i've pushed them away already. its so sad... actually i have no friends anymore.

hmm.... i'm guessing, the quick fix your saying is, change? let go and change everything? em i right?


please, i need more clarification and help because as you can see i'm so jumbled.


and pls tell me more resources that you think could help me. thankyou thankyou thankyou so much for understanding!

[themaster]

The "quick fix" is a teacher I know that will teach tools to turn on your mind and kind of perform a self healing (a letting go of that which you are not) it's very advanced and could appear very weird depending on where you are..

If you didn't know we change who we are every day.. we are literally a new person every minute.. so if you can look at it this way you can realize that, that is the norm

We all have personality disorder's Describe LOA (Law of Attraction) to the wrong psychologist and you can be on prescription drugs shortly

You don't need to be sad about losing a few friends.. there are 6.8 billion people on the planet from a positive perspective, there's plenty to go round

Many of us on the forum like a teacher called Abraham you can find lots of clips of them/it/her on youtube.. maybe you should play a few and see if it resonates.. if it does I would suggest a vast undertaking of studying said material

You know it's possible to create a experience here on the planet that.. "we don't know what we're doing" but the truth is.. even when we don't know what we're doing.. WE KNOW WHAT WERE DOING!!!

So what's the idea in there?? have a little trust and faith in yourself.. hell, have a little self-love why you're at it

[ssandra]

Hi,

I just wanted to say that what you are feeling is something that more people have gone trhough and came out ok on the other end.

From where I stand what is happening is this:

You based your identity in highschool on how people saw you. Nothing wrong with that, but now that you are getting a bit older and getting to know yourself better you realise that this does not fit you anymore. So you are changing.

The people / friends you knew you as personality A may not like personality B. But personality B is really you. So, if they don´t like you for who you are why would you want them around anyway? Let them go, and you will find people who like personality B. You like you for you.

In my opinion the best thing you can do is 1. stop worriing about labels (lesbian, straight, slut etc). 2. try out new things. If you have not tried it, how do you know you will or will not like it? 3. get to know yourself. Do thing you like, that make you happy. 4. Enjoy life.

You can have casual sex with boys just to try out what it is like. That does not make you a slut. Just make sure you do it safe, do don´t want to get a decease or baby...

Good luck and I wish you a happy journey in getting to know yourself!

[Penelopi]

Originally Posted by themaster

We all have personality disorder's Describe LOA (Law of Attraction) to the wrong psychologist and you can be on prescription drugs shortly

You don't need to be sad about losing a few friends.. there are 6.8 billion people on the planet from a positive perspective, there's plenty to go round

Many of us on the forum like a teacher called Abraham you can find lots of clips of them/it/her on youtube.. maybe you should play a few and see if it resonates.. if it does I would suggest a vast undertaking of studying said material

You know it's possible to create a experience here on the planet that.. "we don't know what we're doing" but the truth is.. even when we don't know what we're doing.. WE KNOW WHAT WERE DOING!!!

So what's the idea in there?? have a little trust and faith in yourself.. hell, have a little self-love why you're at it

yeah i actually do know that. i know docs who prescribe meds when they don't have enough knowledge to what a patient's going thru. i hope i could get to know that teacher. i'll try to research about him. thanks the master

[Penelopi]

Originally Posted by ssandra

You based your identity in highschool on how people saw you. Nothing wrong with that, but now that you are getting a bit older and getting to know yourself better you realise that this does not fit you anymore. So you are changing.



You can have casual sex with boys just to try out what it is like. That does not make you a slut. Just make sure you do it safe, do don´t want to get a decease or baby...

Good luck and I wish you a happy journey in getting to know yourself!

actually its the other way around ssandra im the one who resists changes. things happened unexpectedly and i wasn't ready to let go of this said identity and it sucks because im aware of it... oh i dont know.. anyway thanks soo much!

i'll keep your sex advice in mind. haha

[ar81]

When we are young we fear rejection so much.
All this leads to confusion. Just calm down.
I would not worry if I was you.
Here you have friends.

If they were not with you it means they were not your friends.
Look for new people. Stay with those who allow you to grow as a human, to be better.
Stay away from those who are an obstacle to personal growth.

There are times when we migrate to another group because of our personal evolution.