For all my progress... (depression, anxiety, feeling trapped, and ego)

[Foggy]

I have come a long, long way from who I was a year ago. Where I used to spend most of my time feeling depressed and feeling worthless, I have developed a sense of self-worth and I am rarely depressed. This was a very liberating feeling at first, until it became clear to me that - for all my progress - I still have more distance to cover before I am at a place where I am emotionally healthy.

I am very upset right now. Last night, I felt so strongly that I wanted to commit suicide. That is something I haven't felt in a long time. I went to a friends dorm to take my mind off things, but I was crying, and couldn't avoid questioning on the issue. I gave as few details as possible. I cannot explain, nor speak logically about the panic and feelings of absolute hopelessness I get when I am depressed. Depression leads me into a mindset where I feel trapped - in every way. I feel trapped physically in the room I'm in; I have an intense urge to travel, just for the sake of moving. I feel trapped in my body, like dying is the only way to release myself from the pain I feel. I feel trapped socially, in that I cannot possibly explain or relate to other people the way I feel and have them truly understand. I panic, experience extreme anxiety (I rarely have anxiety, unless it's with depression). I feel afraid to talk to people, because I have a difficult time formulating organized thoughts about how I feel - I don't believe that I can convey myself intelligently to others. I also fear judgment of being weak and therefore unattractive - especially with romantic partners. Sometimes I blame societies expectations of men - that because I don't meet them, I am worthless.

I have recognized that most of my happiness comes from finding ways to feed my ego. I am constantly searching for ways to make myself feel important, especially to other people. I convinced myself I was in love with a girl for almost a year simply because she made me feel attractive. Consequently, most of my recent depression comes from relationship issues. The girl I am currently with is awesome - but she doesn't make me feel attractive in the same way. Out of the entire time we've been talking she has genuinely complimented me a fraction of the number of times as my old girlfriend, and I don't feel like she needs me. This is the kind of relationship I want to be in - one between two independent people who are with each other because they like one another not because they're insecure and "need" one another. On the other hand, it's driving me crazy trying to stay emotionally balanced in this situation. It's a tremendous effort to remind myself that just because she doesn't cling to me doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with me. In the past, I protected my ego by immediately breaking up with someone when I started to feel this way about them, giving me the power of rejection rather than being the one who was rejected. I really like her, however, and don't want to be manipulative.

None of this matters, most of the time. This maze of emotional issues and insecurity that I used to live in, now is only a place that I visit occasionally when I'm having a bad day. However, I wish that I didn't ever go there, and that I wasn't constantly using logic to repress deep seeded insecurities. I refuse to take medications because I don't feel like they address the issues, and I don't want to talk to a therapist because I when I most need to talk to someone is rarely when I have a scheduled appointment (plus I don't have the money, and in the past I've found that therapists rarely help me gain any clarity). I see myself as being on a continuum between "completely messed up" and "emotionally normal" and I've made a lot of progress but I am frustrated by the fact that I don't understand how I've made the progress that I have, and I don't know what actions to take to continue making progress. I feel like my depressed self is a completely different person from who I am normally, and while some of the insecurities carry over, I fear becoming depressed now, it is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world - and I hate the frequency with which suicidal thoughts occur when I'm depressed. I also hate having this whole aspect of my personality that I essentially have to hide and can't explain to anyone. This is probably the most successful I've been in explaining it, but I think if I attempted to share any of this with my girlfriend it would have her running for the hills.

I am equally looking to get this off my chest and get advice. Just the process of writing down my feelings is therapeutic for me, especially knowing that other people can read it and give feedback. I'm also genuinely stuck with some of these feelings, and it's because I no longer deal with negative beliefs as often that I do not put as much energy into dealing with them, but I recognize that they're still there. I want, very much, to eliminate them, but I'm not sure where to start.

[thumbelina]

I hear you. I have been there and can totally relate to the agony anxiety and self doubting phase you are possibly in. That phase of mine was really dark and I am proud of the fact that I have got through it without giving in to my destructional thoughts. Please do remember that no one or no feeling is great enough to give up your life for. What worked for me ..
a. I just chose a sounding board ( a friend of mine) and kept venting out everything that I had. at times any of it wouldnt make sense but I made sure i never kept any feelings bottled up. When I did not have company I resorted to writing a diary and just letting everything out.
b. Made a list of all the things I hated about myself like my weight , my complexes which kinda made me divert my mental energy into myself rather than concentrating on outer forces. Just the realisation that , no one other than myself can make me feel good did wonders to my thought process.
c. Focussed on eating and exercising right and kept channelling my energies only to better myself .
d. began with small achievable goals and started enjoying the sense of confidence that seeped in with every small victory.

In the end its just been like my fav quote these days. "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain".

I hope you felt better after you wrote everything down.Just keep looking for the silver lining and the world will start to appear brighter ..happy to listen or share anything if you need to talk ..

Chin up and march ahead..the world is yours to conquer..

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Foggy

I'm also genuinely stuck with some of these feelings, and it's because I no longer deal with negative beliefs as often that I do not put as much energy into dealing with them, but I recognize that they're still there. I want, very much, to eliminate them, but I'm not sure where to start.

That's not going to work. You can't eliminate your potential for negative feelings. You don't want to eliminate your negative feelings, anyways. What you really want to do is eliminate the consequences of your negative feelings, such as the possibility of losing your girlfriend. You're afraid, not of your feelings, but of what they could do to ruin you and your life. So you have to always rein yourself in so that your errant self doesn't screw everything up.

You may not like to hear this, but you have to be willing to hurt people in order to be free. You hold yourself in because you're afraid the things you say and do will hurt people, or more accurately you're afraid that those hurt people will hurt you. Like if you say something that your girlfriend finds hurtful, she'll leave you irrespective of whether you actually intended to hurt her or if you were just being honest. You must be willing to spite yourself, hurt yourself, destroy yourself, and do the same to others. I don't mean you must intend to do so, you just must be willing to do so if the situation demands it. Sometimes the most hurtful words are also the most necessary. So you must accept the worst in your own soul in order to achieve the best.

How do you do that? You can't. You're not strong enough to accept your worst, or be unafraid of it. All you can do is recognize its existence. Not try to be rid of it or change it, although if you can't stop trying to be rid of it you must also recognize that. Recognize your failures on top of your failures on top of your failures. Not to get better, but just to see what is really there.

[zahra]

I Used to get extremely depressed all the time as well and have really low self esteem, and slowly i started to make progress by talking about the most intimidate details with a really good friend I knew I can trust. I would write constantly, and sometimes leave my notebooks lying around and family members would even read it. The knowledge that they could read my inner soul did something to me. I realized it's really not bad. I also step out of myself and look at myself with the eyes of someone else. Because then we are less forgiving and understanding. Also, the realization that so many people felt the way that I did and sometimes even worse helped me to feel normal. That infact was major source of healing. You must know the reasons why you feel the way you do. Accept that everyone in life must take on a different challenge. Some people are born without legs and arms. Some people watch there entire families die. Look at it as a challenge to overcome. Something to beat. A victory to reach. And before you know it, you are completely fine and confident. Infact, you will be more stable than people who never had your challenge

[iDreamCatcher]

You are an excellent writer!
I love the way you sincerely sharing your thoughts and feelings in an excellent and easy to understand language.

Today I woke up and immediately felt depressed. Which is "normal" for me. So I decided instead of trying to change my depression to feel good about it.
Here's my nagging depressing depression - and here i am trying to feel good and happy about my depression. Crazy? maybe.
I loved my depression. I mentally hugged it. I said "I love you" to my depression. Repeatedly. I said "I don't mind you being here with me". It worked!

Conclusion:
If we don't mind being depressed - then what happens to this poor cute lovely depression?

Gleb

[Manomanman]

Good ole' ego trap.

Your ego has been stroked by the mainstream media, by your teachers, by girlfriends. You've given your power up to your ego. Just look at Steve's blog article today - instead of "money", it's "ego" for you.

You're going to have to learn to give your power back to yourself.

I can give you a little bit of insight. Here are some of my disempowering beliefs: JesseLovesYou.com » A Few of My Worst Disempowering Beliefs And The Cure

The cure for me has been to recognize that my beliefs determine my reality, so I've got to dig down and get out those beliefs, dig up the roots, root them out at the core.

[Foggy]

Thank you, everyone, for you help.

@thumbelina: Thank you for your advice. This weekend, I used my mom as a sounding board and I found it very helpful at getting me back on even ground. It's also nice to here from someone who has experienced and gotten through a similar situation.

@TheCloud: I think I follow you, but I'm not sure - and on top of that I'm not sure if I agree with what I think you mean. I would describe myself as fearing the emotions as well as the consequences. I would also say that what I wish to eliminate is not the negative emotions, but the mental pathways that lead to them. That is where most of my progress so far has been: gradually disconnecting my emotional state from things that affect it in the outside world.

@Zahra: I like your perspective of accepting things in life the way they're given to us - and instead of feeling bad for ourselves - turn it into our own journey towards inner strength.

@iDreamCatcher: Thank you. =) That is a very endearing way to deal with depression. I tried it this week and found that it helped me as well. Although it didn't make the depression go away it definitely helped alleviate it and I liked that I wasn't generating any hostility towards myself in the process.

@Manomanman: I agree. My Ego has taken power over me, and maybe all I need to do is divert my energy to other things - but it's hard.

-

I am feeling a lot better now. Last week I was depressed and all these insecurities, that I thought were no longer a part of me, returned. Once I was able to sit down and talk about them with someone (my mom) and clear my head a bit, I felt a lot better. I also started meditating again, which helped me disconnect from my ego a bit and made me feel more secure in myself.

Right now, I want to beat my ego back a bit. I am not sure if I want to get rid of it - it seems like it might have a positive use, although I can't imagine what. I no longer want it to direct my actions, or taint my perspective, unless I invite it in. These last few weeks have not been the greatest in my life, but they've helped teach me how much of a role my ego was playing in my life. Now that I see that, I feel that I want to do something about it.

[iDreamCatcher]

You're doing great!

Whenever negative mind chatter, negative situation or negative feelings arises - say to them quietly: "I love you".
"Ohhh.... I am feeling depressed today" - "I love you"
"noo... i am not worthy ... " - "I love you"
"everything is so complicated..." - "I love you".
Etc...
This totally confuses ego(that otherwise loves resistance), shines a healing light toward your inner being and delegates resolution of your problems and situations to the higher wisdom.

The above advice derived from three very efficient and independent self help methods that I personally tested and use.

[Manomanman]

Let me share something about my personal life: I feel I've hardened myself to the point that I don't know if I'll ever be capable of loving another human being in a "tender" sort of way. I'm capable of sex, but I've lost the capacity to feel vulnerable in a relationship with another person.

I used to feel the way you do now, but I sort of grew into a position of self-reliance.

I really do want to be in a stable relationship with somebody, but NOT UNTIL I've worked on getting a lot of that crap out of my head. Until I've learned to be a responsible and self-reliant adult who has a clear vision of how I want to lead my life, I'm not going to drag anybody into my hellpit of a life.

We all start life needing validation from others - it's what makes us survive. Time to grow out of that mindset.