how to not sweat the small stuff

[introspective1]

Hi, this is my first post here...i am so glad that i found this site!!

Anyway, every day it seems as if i am so worried about small things like what someone else thinks of me (especially if they think i am stupid-- thats a huge pet peeve--i HATE it when someone perceives me that way) , someone making fun of me (especially at work), making friends, whether or not to ask a question (don't you hate it when you ask a question and you get a sarcastic response back that is supposed to make you feel dumb?). I don't even know if i am happy. My self-esteem is so low and people say i should have higher self-esteem because i am smart, good looking, and have a bright future ahead of me, yet, i am not happy.

So how do you get over letting worries about small stuff(as mentioned above) control my life? HOw do you control worrying about what other people think of you? I know some of these things i cannot control but yet it is hard not to worry about them and let them affect my happiness. I know i am not alone with this, but i hardly run into people in my everyday life who have this problem...any help would be greatly appreciated!!!

[da1prophet]

Originally Posted by introspective1

Hi, this is my first post here...i am so glad that i found this site!!

Anyway, every day it seems as if i am so worried about small things like what someone else thinks of me (especially if they think i am stupid-- thats a huge pet peeve--i HATE it when someone perceives me that way) , someone making fun of me (especially at work), making friends, whether or not to ask a question (don't you hate it when you ask a question and you get a sarcastic response back that is supposed to make you feel dumb?). I don't even know if i am happy. My self-esteem is so low and people say i should have higher self-esteem because i am smart, good looking, and have a bright future ahead of me, yet, i am not happy.

So how do you get over letting worries about small stuff(as mentioned above) control my life? HOw do you control worrying about what other people think of you? I know some of these things i cannot control but yet it is hard not to worry about them and let them affect my happiness. I know i am not alone with this, but i hardly run into people in my everyday life who have this problem...any help would be greatly appreciated!!!

Welcome to the site! Where to start....lets start with the self esteem issue. No one has a right to tell you that you *should* have higher self esteem. First of all a disclaimer--if you think you might be clinically depressed you should see a psychiatrist or at very least talk to your doctor about it.

Since you're here on the site, I'd suggest you read the stuff Steve wrote on finding your purpose in life (as well as the podcast on the topic). From my experience and observation it sure seems like people who live in concert with their purpose have little, if any, self esteem issues. Conversely those who do not are frequently fighting feelings of low self worth regardless of what societally defined "success" they have achieved. You'll get this after you read the articles (if you haven't already) but having a purpose and living your life based on this purpose has nothing to do with things like "having a bright future". It's a innate certainty that the direction of your life is the right one. Also take a listen to Steve's podcasts on confidence and fighting fear.

IMO, the reason for this is pretty simple--if you are living with purpose and you *know* you're life is moving in the right direction for you the opinions of the rest of society on a "macro" level--or other people on a "micro" level--just don't matter. If you haven't discovered your true purpose and/or passion in life, or even worse are living in a way that contradicts this purpose then issues of self esteem and your status in the eyes of others come into play. In this instance, I guess it could be due to a person projecting their inner disappointment with themselves onto the people around them.

Aside from the "living with purpose" concept and its implications, I'll give you some practical, low grade advice that has always helped me. Relative to the concern you have about what others think of you I'll give you a very profound comment that my brother--not a philosopher by nature--made while I was in high school. One of my friends was saying that so and so was a loser and my brother said that "no matter who you are there are people that think you're really cool and people that think you're a big loser. It's all a matter of perception". I'm not sure if he was trying to be obnoxious or profound, but I've always found the concept liberating--that no matter who or what we are in life there are those who would judge us positively or judge us harshly, but its based on their perceptions and nothing that we have any control over. Furthermore, it underscores the futility of living your life based on the opinion of others.

Once you understand that a) the opinion of others doesn't matter because no matter what you do its all based on their perspective and b) even if it *did* matter its impossible to live in a way that pleases *everyone* it leaves you with one option: to live in accordance with your purpose, beliefs, vision and goals. Doing what is best for you without regard to what others think about it is not only the most pragmatic thing, its really the *only* way to effectively live.

Your bouts of indecision and worry are the by-products of too much concern about what others think and that is typically caused by too little thought or understanding on what is right for *you*. Second guessing every decision or action you take in life is not only draining to your psyche and emotions, but greatly limits your effectiveness in life. There's a good boxing metaphor for this--when a boxer is very tentative and overly cautious, seemingly afraid to throw a punch for fear that it'll be ineffective and he'll get hit, it is said that he needs to "let his hands go". A failure to "let your hands go" is the surest way to lose a boxing match--so essentially the false security created by not "letting your hands go" puts a fighter at greater risk of failure than by mixing it up and trying to execute an effective fight plan.

It's the same deal with life--second guessing the effectiveness of every little decision or action, or the reaction it will get from others produces a greater likelihood of longterm failure or unhappiness. Conversely, having the confidence to "let your hands go" in a metaphorical sense has very little downside. Worse case scenario, something doesn't work and you try something else. The same theory applies to decisions and actions big and small.

I guess in essence life--like boxing--more readily rewards the "ready, fire, aim" approach that Steve frequently speaks of than over analysis and hesitancy.

If you haven't already, I'd strongly recommend taking some time to read the articles and blog entries on this site. It'll likely give you some beneficial perspectives that might help you address your problems and concerns...

[niyati]

I've heard some good things about Don't sweat the small stuff-- and it's all small stuff : simple ways to keep the little things from taking over your life by Richard Carlson.
I haven't read it, but from it's title, it sounds like a good read for you .

[AndyMartin]

Find now. It's strange how the little stuff is really always about then or when, the past or the future. When you realize that, the little stuff is more like a fly buzzing around. You'd rather it not be there, but it really doesn't bother you unless you let it. One of the most effective ways to find now is through your breath, because breath only happens now. Do you have a memory of a really great breath, or a really bad breath? Maybe you got the wind knocked out of you and you remember the absence of breath. Breathing contains the essence of the now -- that's why so many disciplines from psychology to yoga promote deep breathing.

[John Hill]

It sounds like you are thinking way too much about things that are just not important. I wrote an article on my site called "why you should never worry" maybe it might help. There is also a bunch of other articles that also directly relate to the problems you are facing at the moment. The link is below.

John

[Liara Covert]

I think it's great you found this site too. In case you didn't realize it, every feeling you have has a positive side. Once you discover benefits, you can take attention away from the fear.

Worry offers you opportunities to get-to-know yourself and to develop your problem solving skills. Figure out why you worry in different situations. Ask why what people think is important to you. It is best to concentrate on one issue at a time. That makes it easier to work though. What you think of yourself is most important. You can learn to separate yourself from what others think and learn to feel more comfortable with yourself as you are. If you aim to build self-confidence, it can help a lot to get involved in sports or other leisure activities where you develop your discipline, strengths and focus.

Relaxation, meditation and exercise can help take your mind off the anxiety. Many people who experience frequent worry report that they don't know how to relax. Taking up meditation, yoga or other slow-paced activities is relaxes the soul.

[introspective1]

Originally Posted by John Hill

It sounds like you are thinking way too much about things that are just not important. I wrote an article on my site called "why you should never worry" maybe it might help. There is also a bunch of other articles that also directly relate to the problems you are facing at the moment. The link is below.

John

I read your article and it really helped put things in perspective..somtimes i worry so much that i worry i will make myself sick