| |||||||
| Emotional Mastery Emotional intelligence, addiction and recovery, grieving, loss, fear, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration, anxiety, depression, happiness, joy, love, kindness, forgiveness, self-acceptance, confidence, escaping the pit of despair, EFT |
 |
| | Thread Tools | Display Modes |
10-09-2009, 02:28 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Arizona
Posts: 243
 |  Life long emotional baggage
Anyone use any specific methods to heal old wounds. I'm talking like life long ones. My dad left us when I was 4 and I have a clear vivid memory of the day. I have carried this baggage and it has ruined every single relationship I have had. I've seen a lot of people talk of abandonment issues. And I guess that is what I have. What is useful methods of healing?? |
|      |
|
10-09-2009, 02:38 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,235
|
i have also had abandoment issues...but developed later in life due to bad being "felt" left abandoned in certain relationships. it takes time, you are aware and perhaps in time can maintain a little more objectivity as you go. the main thing is not "blaming" a current relationship of any kind with junk from the last one. easier said than done, but with conscious practice the knee jerking can be overcome. each individual needs to be given a fair shot with their own values. i have, as i like to look at it, dropped a piece of luggage at each bus stop. the other thing is to realize sometimes, as i have done, we can sabatoge relationships in an effort to beat the abandoment to the punch. the other thing, that i have finally realized...if i am "abandoned"...it won't be easy, but i will no longer feel like i will fold up and perish. my faith also sees me through, knowing i am not alone. |
|
| |
|
10-09-2009, 03:01 PM
| #3 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
 | Quote:
 | |
|
| |
|
10-09-2009, 03:35 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Arizona
Posts: 243
|
Oh yeah I definitely have done that sabotage in past. With a serious relationship before my ex husband then with him. This recent relationship I let it happen again in some sorts only he didn't put up with the little tiny worry I had compared to obsessive thoughts of it in the past 2 relationships. With my ex husband I actually had recurring dreams about him cheating. I purposefully left 2 years between marriage ending and this relationship to heal only to confess that I was worried about his communications with a woman from myspace. He said no worries I believed him and in a couple days time I was good but then he started becoming distant. And I knew he had spoke to his best friend on it. Who I know from a conversation has a girl that is very much like me and keeps dibs on him because he asked me if I had a gps on him jokingly. I guess the healing of past relationship wasn't enough and because the ex husband and I have child things are "friendly" but now I realize the healing is gonna take more than 2 years from relationship. I'm afraid to end up alone my whole life like my mother.   I like the leave a bag with each stop. But I feel like I've hurt 2 people and now I'm sure this guy hurting too. We talk everyday still and pretty much best of friends still, as hard as that is for me(gets easier everyday). I don't want to be causing anyone any pain. Yep life goes on. I usually has a way of working out. |
|
| |
|
10-09-2009, 03:48 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,756
| Quote:
And it was an isolated event, terrible, but isolated. Try to design simple exercises or do simple things so you realize that you control your life. And forgive yourself, since what happened back then was not your fault. Your current relationships have nothing to do with this event. Our mission in life is not to suffer, we have a mission in life, and suffering is only a distraction. | |
|
| |
|
10-09-2009, 04:20 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Arizona
Posts: 243
|
ar81, Thanks for your kind words. You are 100% right I'm taking my life back. I'm sure I wasn't the only person forced to make such a huge decision at age 4, to stay with dad or get in the car with mom. And I know I'm not the only one to have this past. Believe me I know it. But it is the PAST and I am glad that at the age of approaching 30 I can finally face this hole inside me and heal it. Its not them, nobody is at fault. This is my reality an I make it what I have chose, whether by decisions or by one handed to me because I refused to decide. But I can look at the decision I had that day 25+ years ago and say it caused me a lifetime of indecision. Questioning was it right, how different my life would be made it hard to make any decisions in my life. But seeing the true colors of my father and this woman he chose, I doubt it would have been any different outcome had I chose different. Surely knowing the end is the same may not make me any more quick to make decisions but I can place the power back with myself. Or out power the negative forces inside myself at least. I'm so glad I didn't give my daughter a choice in where she wanted to go but I hope that she is not ruined by me. I show her more love than either of my parents ever showed me and she tells me on her own unprovoked will that she wants to be with me forever. AWWW Its sad to say that I have only heard my dad say those 3 words to me once and I can't really remember my mom ever saying it but I'm sure it happened when I was younger. I tell my daughter as often as I can. Last edited by Strangemagik; 10-09-2009 at 04:22 PM. |
|
| |
|
10-09-2009, 05:39 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 44
|
Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) has been extremely useful to me for my healing. I had a lot of early childhood trauma (illness, parents' divorce, etc.) that snowballed into further trauma later as my subconscious manifested mirrors of the original problems. EFT is a highly effective tool for quickly getting rid of the charge in very emotional issues, even if you can't remember exactly what happened to you at the time. You can properly process old traumas and prevent new traumas from "sticking" in your mind. The motto a lot of EFT practitioners have is, "Try it on everything!" I recommend that you go to EFT founder Gary Craig's Web site. He has a free manual/introduction you can download, there are tons of case histories and also you can find area practitioners who can help you heal if you feel you need professional assistance. EFT Home - World Center for EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Hope this helps!  Rachel |
|
| |
|
10-09-2009, 11:43 PM
| #8 (permalink) | ||||
| Family Member Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,756
| Quote:
Quote:
Making decisions = It hurts It was a lose-lose situation. Probably they were educated to feel unhappy and they developed resentment in their relationship. Quote:
But if you see it from outside, you indeed never had a choice. You could not decide to have both parents, you could not decide to have their love, you could not decide your own life. So blaming you or letting you to believe that everything that happen was your fault was a big emotional blackmail and scam. Probably they never were aware. Our brain and our heart can cheat us and create a self-reinforcing reality, a mental scam where your parents live or lived. Forgive yourself. You are not to blame by their lack of ethics. You NEVER had a chance to decide ANYTHING. Forgive them. I am sure that if they had a crystal ball and they could se all the sad moments you had, they would have thought twice before doing that. Evil comes when people are not happy. happy people do not need to hurt. Quote:
I have an idea for you. Try humor to fight anxiety. Once you achieved a continued state of good mood, make every moment with your daughter to become a time when you laugh. It will not be about pretending. It will be about sharing the recently discovered happiness. Happiness is not absence of problems, but how we see life WHILE we have problems. There are sad moments, but in general terms happiness is our ability to see that unhappiness is a biochemical cheat of our brains that makes reality to look dark. The only real world is the happy one. The time to suffer is gone. Today it is time to heal. If you feel bad, it is because you are cleaning up your inner being. It is like when you ate something rotten, puking is not nice, but necessary. Find inner peace, no one else can bring it to you, but you. The solution is in your hands. Now let's show you the crystal ball. I can imagine you being a happy person, capable of sharing that recently discovered good in you. Your fears will come so you learn that they are not real anymore, that they can't control your life anymore. You are in control now. Do simple things that prove you are in control of your life. It is like discovering that you can take the wheel of the car. Stay somehow away from elements that could make you lose control. If something is still too overwhelming, try to gradually expose yourself to it, but do not push too hard. Exposing yourself to fears is the only way to defeat fears. You may choose how. Try to find games where you make decisions, and take them as a game. Start losing the fear of making decisions. Notice that half a block away from the house where you lived when you were 4, people had different problems, so if you compare the size of the city with the area of the problem, it was very small. So there is no reason why such an area should cross in front of you again. The area was very small compared to the universe. It was just an isolated event. I can imagine you in 5 years being a person who learned to be happy, to be a rebel against your parents and you will become a role model, and you will spread happiness through the world. And you know what? When you spread good, sooner or later it will come back to you in ways you never suspected. Another tip: Never play triangle of drama in your life. The Drama Triangle: Persecutor, Victim and and Rescuer It makes people unhappy. Teach others about not to play it. Last edited by ar81; 10-10-2009 at 12:10 AM. | ||||
|
| |
|
10-10-2009, 01:51 AM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: NEW ENGLAND!!!!!!!
Posts: 1,701
|
I used to have some pretty strong abandonment issues.. to say the least..About a year ago I broke free. I cannot tell you exactly what I did, because it was a combination of a lot of things. What I can tell you is this.. The feeling that you will be abandoned can seem like life or death.. and can give you major panic attacks everytime it surfaces. The truth of the matter though is that the only one who can abandon you now is you...People come and people go, and if they do not want to be in your life, why would you want them to be in your life? The number one tool that I have learned to use that effectively removes abandonment from the table is good communication.If you are attracting people who will "abandon you" take that as a sign that there is something that needs to be healed. I was dating a woman at the time of my great healing who touched every button so I thought.. truth is I was abandoning myself and giving my power away and not being true to myself.. the issues that I had had nothing to do with her, and when we broke up it touched my buttons, but I forgave her instantly for her behavior that pressed my buttons.. I told her about it the last time we talked on that level and it was so relieving to be able to tell her all that stuff. When I forgave her I forgave everybody else that ever abandoned me especially myself... I have had very little in the way of fear of abandonment since then.. and even when I have it it lasts for only a short while.. I know you can reach a state of healing this and have a healthy relationship as a result.. Never give up...Feel free to PM me if you have further questions.. G
|
|
| |
|
10-10-2009, 02:32 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Arizona
Posts: 243
|
Speedbump, Thanks you for the suggestion I will go read into this tonight. I have seen it around here and was curious anyway. ar81, WOW! Thank you for taking the time to respond in detail. Yes you struck a lot of chords with me. I have forgiven my mother and feel I've kept the "blame" in my father all these years but hidden. I'm not a judging person which is weird and I think I hid it all these years. I don't hold grudges and I will forgive him and surely this new found clarity on it will help. I'm closer to my mother but she had her own difficult childhood of alcoholic parents and foster homes. I know she did the best she could. Her parents were no better at showing the loving role models. One thing my mom is a strong lady she combated alcoholism. My grandparents were amazing people and changed in time cleaned up. My mom and dad totally did the using us kids to get at each other. I've always heard the stories about how he cheated with my step mother. I have never mentioned the woman my ex ran off with in front of my daughter. And I do not speak negative words about her father to her. G, Wow never thought about it that way that I'm giving up my own power and in a sense abandoning myself. Hmmm I'll be reading and if I have any questions I may just take you up on your offer. I think this path could lead me to wonderful places. |
|
| |
|
10-10-2009, 07:34 AM
| #11 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,756
| Quote:
If he cheated, he was lying to himself, because life is like a theatrical play. Some day he will be in the other roles of the same play. Cheating is to engage in a game, and he may not like to be in the other roles. But that's his problem, not yours. Your problem is that the one who hates is the one who suffers. And forgiving is the only medicine for hate. hate is a sadness that had to be buried, and it went rotten, and when you take it out to clean yourself (like puking a toxic food) you feel overwhelmed. So be sure that if you ever feel overwhelmed, it is just emotional puking, but it is not the same reality of the past, just a memory that is being cleaned before your eyes. Now you may wonder how not to hurt yourself when puking rotten emotions and cleaning up your inner being. The trick is not to do anything, not to react, just feel, while you have certainty that the only real reality is the happy one. So it is like living a sad virtual reality that will pass. And when you feel overwhelmed you wonder when it will end and you may try to fight the negative feelings. Do not fight them, just experience them. The end of those feelings come with boredom. Have you ever been really bored? Well that's the feeling you feel when you think you had enough with the current overwhelming sadness you feel. And when you feel bored of being sad, the only other option is to be happy. | |
|
| |
|
10-10-2009, 01:24 PM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Melbourne Australia
Posts: 184
|
for me NLP was the best way to resolve my many and varied emotional problems and baggage... I learned, practiced and applied NLP to my life thoroughly as well as sought occasional interventions from fellow NLPers. It has made a world of difference.
|
|
| |
|
10-13-2009, 02:35 PM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Arizona
Posts: 243
|
Okay I got this EFT manual but can see its going to be some reading. Thanks again for all the suggestions. I'm feeling better but I want to avoid these issues just getting swept under a rug to come bulging out later. So I hope that I haven't done that. |
|
| |
|
10-13-2009, 02:47 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
|
Strangemagik, my experience with EFT, for what it's worth, is that it had absolutely no effect on me when I learned it from the manual. Steve Pavlina said the same. Then I did EFT with a practitioner, and I got results. For me, the results have been relief from uncomfortable symptom, but not a disappearance of the underlying issue itself. I've used EFT to powerfully feel better when I missed my boyfriend, for instance, and to relieve headaches and PMS. But for deeper gunk, old stored-up negative emotion and limiting decisions, not so much -- I still needed to unload the gunk.
|
|
| |
|
10-13-2009, 03:10 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 421
|
Interesting discussion. Common point that seems to help all people coming from deep emotional hurts toward healing is: forgiveness. Forgiveness is essentially feeling of love toward the person or situation that hurted you. Loving your enemy. Can we change our non loving feelings to love without any reason for it? I studying the life of enlightened master who was given 3 months to live due to very poor health condition. His healing practice was to intentionally change every negative non-loving feeling to love. That was it. From people he hated to negative events he experienced. He decided to love them all - one by one. In 3 months time he completely healed all his emotional wounds, attained full spiritual realization and lived for another 42 years teaching others who wanted to learn self-mastery. I even founded a special forum that dedicated to self transformation practices based on unconditional love. There is just so much practical potential in this approach - and i am very practical person. My own demons are guiding me toward this venue of healing and growth. Gleb |
|
| |
|
10-13-2009, 03:36 PM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Arizona
Posts: 243
|
I guess I need to figure out how to unload the gunk. Or vomit it like ar81 mentioned. Might be that in that morning is exactly what I did. I will have to see if any unforgiven feelings are hidden but I'm a forgiving person. I've had that discussion with my ex boyfriend(still like a best friend) about forgiving and making enemies friends. He doesn't see it but I agree best way to forgive is turn hatred feelings into those of love for the person. Yet I fall into apathy and I know that is even worse than hate. |
|
| |
|
10-13-2009, 03:38 PM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,756
| Quote:
It is not loving your enemy, it is to understand your enemy is not your enemy, just a person who has lost his/her mind and did something horrible and stupid that he/she will regret in the distant future. It is about understanding that what that person does is his/her problem, not yours and you understand that your life is yours, that you have control and that you do not need to worry anymore about that person. It is more similar to detachment than to "loving your enemy". You do not need to love your enemies when you understand that there is no real reason for enemies to exist. An enemy should be so focused on you that he would not have a life. But most of people have more important things to do than being your enemy. | |
|
| |
|
10-20-2009, 07:18 PM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,975
|
Compare yourself to people in the same situation that is to a worse degree, like people who are abandoned later on when they have developed a strong bond with the parent, or your mom who was left to raise the children alone.
|
|
| |
|
10-20-2009, 08:32 PM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Amidst the cornfields of Central Indiana
Posts: 17
|
Strange, I have built a website devoted to exactly that subject, recovering from old wounds. It is the story of how I've worked to recover from emotional abuse at the hands of my stepmother and includes a free downloadable e-book. Sorry that this sounds like a shameless plug for my site, but I really think you could find some things of value there. And feel free to contact me personally. Jerry |
|
| |
|
| Bookmarks |
« Previous Thread
|
Next Thread »
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
Linear Mode
| |
Similar Threads | ||||
| Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
| Trust! ...and my baggage. | openyourize | Emotional Mastery | 1 | 04-29-2009 08:51 PM |
| Life Long Learning | robertanthony | Emotional Mastery | 0 | 07-09-2008 01:37 PM |
| Life Purpose - Emotional Intelligence | robertanthony | Character & Contribution | 6 | 10-26-2007 01:41 PM |
| How long did it take you to turn your life around? | saaretjie | Personal Effectiveness | 20 | 10-25-2007 10:45 PM |
| How do you get rid of emotional baggage? | Bitsy | Emotional Mastery | 9 | 08-20-2007 11:15 PM |
All times are GMT. The time now is 08:35 PM.