self-induced loneliness?

[epicurus]

If I'm not in a relationship, I pretty much always feel lonely. As a result, more than half the time I end up in a relationship where I am unsure whether or not I love that person. Recently, I really did love somebody, but broke up with her TWICE. I was telling myself that I wanted to be alone. Now, I'm lonely and want to be back with her again. Is this a self-destructive behaviour? No matter who I am with, I always feel like I either want to be alone or with somebody else, even if I do love the person that I'm with. A bit convoluted of a description? yeah, I'm confused.

-epicurus

[bparry]

I would think it has something to do with your relationship with yourself, when you're alone you probably don't have a proper relationship with yourself where you can sit alone with nothing to entertain you and enjoy yourself because of your own love for yourself, then you may go into relationships looking for the other person to provide this love or assurance for you but deep down you are still really missing it from yourself. As to how you can develop it, I honestly have no idea and for what its worth this is just completely my feeling on the matter and I may be way off. Best of luck with it though

[moonshooter]

epicurus,

if you really did love her, would you hurt her by getting back with her and breaking up with her a second time?
i used to have the same mentality as you where i would be in this a vicious cycle of dating because i was afraid to be alone. i have had 5 different relationships for the last 6 years (thats almost a relationship a year) and although i knew it was unhealthy, I was really scared to be lonely. It's been hard to be single now for just 2 months and I've fallen back into the lonely place many many times, but now I realize that if I go into a relationship for the wrong reasons, the end result will be the same.
Do you think that if you went back to her, the end result would be the same? If you honestly want to be alone when you are with or are thinking of other people, she is obviously not the one for you and that's okay. It is okay to be single.
I think a part of the loneliness also stems from the breaking of habits. A relationship is in some ways a habit. There are things you are used to doing or saying with the other person and you obviously cannot do those anymore or at least do them in the same light. And although a lot of changes can be good, a lot of people fear it.
So I was talking to a friend of mine and this was what she came to conclude about my past behavior and maybe it can shed some light on yours? Ever since I moved away from all my close friends and family (about 3 years ago), I haven't been able to find a true good and close friend in my new town. I have friends to do activities with me and people who kind of understand my situations but no one who can empathize with me (and I recently realized that empathy is very very important). Therefore I looked toward relationships to build that connection, because by default i assumed your significant other is supposed to be there for you and share that connection with you. I believed that even when I knew he wasnt the right one. So I led that cycle of nice yet, momentary happiness because I wasn't true to myself in any of my last 3 relationships. Each of these relationships ended in catastrophic disaster, which only made me even more sad and thus even more lonely. But then somewhere in these past 2 months, it hit me. Now I am trying to look in other places to gain that support: sports, organizations, coworkers, and yes myself. LIke I said, it's been a very hard road to cope with, even for such a short period of time, but I know it's me that I really need to face. Maybe you can delve into other areas to build a network of support that doesn't include dating and relationships. You can try and test it out for even just a couple of months. Just stay single and see what happens. One of my good friends said to me last night that if you are bored with being single, then you aren't doing it right.
And if after a couple months and you realize that that girl was something special then you can pursue it. If it's meant to be, it'll be. And if not, you can believe that relationships are also about timing. I think it can be chalked up to you really needing time to understand yourself and your needs and how to establish yourself a consistent good mental health.
I've been given this exact advice by other people before, but always failed to follow it until recently where I realized I'll never be happy if I keep repeating this cycle. It really daunted me how similar your situation was to mine and I hope you find the solution to your problem.

[rei]

epicurus, i agree with bparry and moonshooter. this seems like it is really about you. i feel like you may be running from quality time with yourself. if you cultivate a loving, accepting, fulfilling relationship with yourself, you won't expect others to fill that hole inside of you.

another issue i see coming up for you is deserving. self-worth. do you feel, deep down, that you deserve a transcendent loving relationship? could there be a pattern of loss or rejection in your childhood that set you up with the belief that others won't stick around or that you deserve to feel lonely? (you don't, no one deserves to feel lonely, but our culture is not very good at showing us how to have a healthy relationship with our selves... we are often socialized to look to those outside of us to meet those emotional needs, and really, if we don't give something to ourselves, no one outside of us can give enough of that something to satisfy the need.)

i think a bigger part of this is working on yourself, giving to you what you look for from a romantic partner. when there is no longer a sense of urgency, when you are totally comfortable being single, and can take or leave a relationship with someone, you will be in a place to have something healthier.

[AdamA]

epicurus,

....where you can sit alone with nothing to entertain you and enjoy yourself because of your own love for yourself, then you may go into relationships looking for the other person to provide this love or assurance for you but deep down you are still really missing it from yourself....

I agree with bparry on this one.....You can't have a good relationship until you're happy with yourself first. IMHO, a relationship is something where you are giving a part of yourself wholeheartedly, but in order to do that, you need to have a strong sense of who you are and a strong appreciation of yourself.

Maybe the first question to answer is why you feel you need to push people away when you're with them, and then bring them back when you're not?

As to how to develop yourself:
1) set goals to expand your life in other areas (hobbies, etc.).
2) do some healing/grieving work with a therapist if you need to

*actually a therapist, that helps you sort through your feelings is probably one of the best things you can do.

[Strangemagik]

I think its about balance. Sometimes in relationships we works so hard at throwing attention at the person that who we are slips away. Gotta have balance and everyone needs their own time as well as time with those they love.

I've been guilty of this myself so I know. I don't feel overly lonely while alone without relationship. OF course the only time in adult life I was alone was for 2 years after split from my ex husband until I started talking to someone online that could have went romantic but didn't. I found someone eventually, or more like he showed up because I wasn't even looking and even when I did meet him I didn't have any intentions or physical attraction to him. But then we both kinda threw ourselves into this new found intimacy and emotional connections that we ended up moving to fast and it snapped. Or so he tells me.

And also be sure you have a relationship with yourself, like your higher self. It sounds crazy but think its more about knowing yourself and accepting. Keep some hobbies aside from your relationship. I agree cant be happy with someone else long if you aren't happy in your own skin. You may not even notice any issues there but dig.

[rawxstasy]

After two bad marriages, I decided that I really needed to work on myself and break my old patterns. I purposely have been without a relationship for two years now. The way you learn to deal with loneliness is to just accept it. Sometimes it will feel overwhelming and you may go through some times of grieving. Just accept what comes.

Eventually you will find that you feel less lonely. You will also learn more about your good qualities and gain self confidence. You will become more aware of yourself, your true feelings and what you really want out of life. You will stop looking for other people to fill the hole inside of you. When you don't "need" other people to make you feel better, it's very powerful. I am finding that people are more attracted to me now than ever before. Meditation has helped me alot. If I start feeling "empty" I know it's because I haven't been meditating for a few days.

I recently took a three trip to Glacier National Park all by myself. I totally enjoyed it. My friends have told me they really admire that about me, I don't sit around waiting for someone to show up to have fun, I make my own fun. Now I am at a point where I am just starting to date again but I feel much more confident and I am enjoying it alot more now that I don't "need" other people to make me happy.

Hope that helps!!

[Strangemagik]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

When you don't "need" other people to make you feel better, it's very powerful. I am finding that people are more attracted to me now than ever before.

Oh wow I'm not the only person that noticed that more people became attracted to me in a long chosen time of singleness. Recently have had a TON of attention from men especially. It hasn't helped with women friends because they watched as men flocked to me wondering what was so special about me. In fact I had two marriage proposals and yet I didn't even hardly know the men. I don't know why they were all so interested other than I was truly content and confident in my life alone at that time. I'm not incredibly good looking or slim with a nice body but guys were seriously everywhere. I'm of I'd say average looks and overweight. I was dropping weight without even trying too at this time, still am through some troubles.

I made a "mistake" though and fell for a couple of them. One treated me like crap by using me for physical intimacy he lacked in not ONE but TWO other relationships he was currently having that I didn't know about. Well one I did but he insisted it was over, ya right!. Then wondered why I dropped him. Then I almost jumped right into the next relationship where things moved fast and I lost that confidence. I was content still but worry crept in and I expressed it thinking well I need to communicate. I am in a bit of a struggle now but I will get back there and I know just how to do it now. Its very nice to know that in some time I can be back there and find it again. Meaning the confidence in life.