books on intimacy?

[rei]

this is not about being intimate with a particular person, but i have realized i am afraid of getting hurt again in a future relationship, so i will conveniently lose touch with a potential partner instead of taking the risk. but this isn't about any of them, it's about me. i decided a book might help me explore and work through my aversion to intimacy (i don't mean sex, i mean emotional closeness). any ideas?

i know the issue is there, and i am usually good at supporting others as they explore the same issue. but as i run through the things i would suggest to others, i have trouble applying them to my own situation. so i figure, this is probably a fairly common topic for personal growth, and many people on here seem to find value in books to increase insight. so putting those together, i am hoping you may have a recommendation for me.

besides the name and author of any book(s) you suggest, i'd appreciate a brief idea about the style of the book or the approach used by the author, something along those lines. without that, i can still look it up myself though, so even the author and title would be appreciated.

if you have any general suggestions for working through the aversion to potential intimacy, i'm open to that as well.

[Plays With Life]

I really enjoyed a book titled Intimacy and Solitude.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by rei

i know the issue is there, and i am usually good at supporting others as they explore the same issue.
besides the name and author of any book(s) you suggest, i'd appreciate a brief idea about the style of the book or the approach used by the author, something along those lines. without that, i can still look it up myself though, so even the author and title would be appreciated.

I know what you mean. Most of us know what to do but to apply it is a different story! These books that I recommend were so helpful to me that I was able to get married and increase my intimacy.

Two of the best books I have read on the topic (I have fears of intimacy and closeness):

When Love meets fear by David Richo

I really enjoyed this book because the author gave insight into intimacy that i never thought of (fighting can be a way to increase intimacy in a relationship and to back down from it could mean you fear the rejection by your spouse). The author is more spiritual than your average (he incorporates Buddhist and Christian ideas) and he really makes you feel acceptable for the feelings of fear. In the book, he explains fears of giving and receiving; fears of abandonment and engulfment, fear of self-disclosure and sexual connection.



Fear of intimacy by Robert Firestone and Fantasy Bond (more in depth about intimacy issues)

This book is heavy reading but it is incredibly insightful. Firestone incorporates a lot of existential ideas about fear of intimacy..he theorizes that a fear of loss, death, rejection are behind our fears and he uses the term "fantasy bond" to illustrate dysfunctional relationships. Death anxiety, he states, is the number one reason why people fear getting close to others. Unconsciously, we fear losing each other in death and so we sabotage our relationships and we hate feeling vulnerable. Even happy moments can be sabotaged because they let us know how much we have to lose through death, loss, rejection.


Hope this helps! I truly believe these books will help you and will grant you much peace and happiness.

[dulaney0330]

I would suggest being self-aware of the feeling of fear or discomfort in close relationships. Does this mirror an incidient in the past? Does this mirror abuse or rejection from one or both parents? What about teasing in school?

Give yourself permission to feel these feelings and also permission to be in discomfort and fear. When you run or flee, it manifests. When you stay and permit, intimacy can be obtained.

[alexb5784]

I'm glad I came across this post, especially as I'm learning how to open myself up more in an intimate relationship.

I also found the book preview for When Love Meets Fear on Google Books. You can read a chapter or two for free online.