Boredom & lonliness

[elainevdw]

So my boyfriend got a job that's 100% travel. We calculated that, for the course of his current project, he's only home 6 days a month. Now, I'm fine with having time to myself. But we're into the second month of the project, and I feel like I've lost all motivation.

I was doing great with working out 4-5 days a week, eating healthfully, taking care of stuff at work or hanging out with my family so I wouldn't be home alone too much. But last week, my TV watching rose about 300%, I haven't been dragging myself to bed on time so I'm getting less sleep, I binge on junk food despite myself, and I've only done the occasional yoga class -- no running (and here I wanted to do a 5K!). My financial discipline is sliding a little bit. And I feel so discontent. Like, feel-good movies don't make me feel good; they make me think, "That looks so fun and exotic! Damn, I wish I could do something like that." And I wake up on the wrong side of the bed all too many mornings, in a bad mood from the get-go.

What is going on? And how do I kick myself out of it? Not only do I want to be happy, content and motivated for my own sake, but I want to be upbeat for my boyfriend's sake as well (because as much as it sucks being home alone, it's gotta be worse being at a hotel alone in a strange city).

Honestly, I haven't felt like this since I was an angsty teenager. I'm fairly sure it's not full-fledged depression -- mostly boredom and lonliness.

I wonder if I should pick up a new hobby, but I'd much rather continue with my other hobbies (yoga, running, henna, finances) until I'm really good at them. It's just tough to stick to it.

[Angela]

Elaine -- lots of love to you in this challenging time.

What is your purpose in life, please?

I would suggest to you (and I think many therapists would agree) to make get your body moving again. You know that. Get your muscles and sinews engaged, start pumping endorphins, get some pink in your cheeks, and you'll start yourself on an upward spiral. Is there a running group near you?

(Also -- I am such a landmark forum ho -- but I think you might really enjoy doing the forum weekend. It's pretty remarkable for getting everything you want in your life. d'oh! I don't WANT to proselytize! It's just that I found it so valuable in my life, and I think you would, too.)

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Angela

Elaine -- lots of love to you in this challenging time.

What is your purpose in life, please?

I would suggest to you (and I think many therapists would agree) to make get your body moving again. You know that. Get your muscles and sinews engaged, start pumping endorphins, get some pink in your cheeks, and you'll start yourself on an upward spiral. Is there a running group near you?

(Also -- I am such a landmark forum ho -- but I think you might really enjoy doing the forum weekend. It's pretty remarkable for getting everything you want in your life. d'oh! I don't WANT to proselytize! It's just that I found it so valuable in my life, and I think you would, too.)

Thank you, Angela.

Life purpose -- whoooo, tough question! I'm still not sure on that one, which is why I avoid those threads, lol. I've always wanted to live my life so that I put a smile on a person's face, even if that person is a total stranger. My priorities are creativity, adventure and human interaction. However, save for cheap thrills like hitting the arcade or a local open mic night, I'm trying to curb my adventurous streak until I get my responsibility in order -- primarily financial, career and social (i.e. I don't want to go into debt, lose my job, fall out of touch with my family and lose my long-term relationship in order to take a spontaneous backpacking trek across Asia... though it's very tempting at times!).

And you're right, I know I need to get my butt out and to the treadmill/sidewalk for a run on a regular basis. It's just hard when I'm already tired from demotivation, crash dieting and lack of sleep. However, finding the local Roadrunners club is a wonderful suggestion. I've suggested the same to plenty of people in the past but haven't actually done it myself. I'll put that on my list of things to do.

LOL, I'll take a forum trip, too. I find myself doing forum stuff in streaks. Maybe this is the beginning of another streak.

[Angela]

Elaine, it sounds to me like you're doing a lot of avoiding/resisting. No wonder you're so tired! What are you willing to accept right now (not later, not something to put on your list, but right now)? Just tell me one thing. Something you've been resisting, that you're willing to surrender your resistance to.

[elainevdw]

I'm not quite sure what you mean!

I feel like part of the problem is that I have been giving in to what I normally resist this week. I'd been avoiding junk food, watching TV, being a couch potato, and spending money unnecessarily. But I ate junk food, watched too much TV, didn't go to the gym, and bought myself $60 worth of video games last night (though two hours of DDR in my living room was so worth it).

Perhaps one thing I've been avoiding is just letting myself mope a little bit. But would a good cry really do any good?

[Angela]

Why not? A good cry might help you let go of some stuff and start fresh! Plus, maybe you'll feel like going for a run afterwards.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

My priorities are creativity, adventure and human interaction.

The one thing that helps me most through times of low motivation and encroaching depression, is spending time with friends. Rather simple really, but powerful. I'm quite surprised that you haven't mentioned your friends at all in this thread.

I rarely cry, but when I used to get depressed, at the lowest point, when I felt sorrowful emotions most strongly, that was usually the point where I got off my butt to do something about it. In that way giving in to the emotion, rather than trying to distract myself from facing them, was the kick in the butt I needed to change them.

[Cron]

Not only do I want to be happy, content and motivated for my own sake

That is it right there.

You need to make your happiness not dependent on your boyfriend.

You need to find reasons and motivation to do all of those good things for youself, as if your boyfriend didn't exist.

Those are the two corners to look in.

[빈센트]

Burn the ship (or what was it called again?).

Get rid of the TV. Unplug it, put in the basement or out of site. Call someone like a friend, tell them you're not going to watch TV for a month (or a week, you set the time limit.)

Your schedule will just free up so much you'll wonder what to do with your time. Don't lose focus quite yet. Get a journal or something. Start writing stuff.

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

The one thing that helps me most through times of low motivation and encroaching depression, is spending time with friends. Rather simple really, but powerful. I'm quite surprised that you haven't mentioned your friends at all in this thread.

Well, perhaps this is part of the problem. The ladies at work are my closest friends, and we hang out occasionally after work. But I live 45 minutes down the mountain from where most of them are, which is a little inconvenient otherwise. I have one friend near where I live who isn't a constant drag, and she's usually swamped with grad school studies.

My other good friends are mostly in San Francisco... who used to be my coworkers when I lived there. (Hmm, I see a trend.)

One thing that I do that totally energizes me and lets me connect with people is my henna business, but I only have two regular gigs a month. And I worry about burning myself out if I grow my henna business too much and have to deal with my primary job and have to make time for both myself and my family/friend(s).

Originally Posted by Cron

That is it right there.

You need to make your happiness not dependent on your boyfriend.

You need to find reasons and motivation to do all of those good things for youself, as if your boyfriend didn't exist.

Well, I am doing it primarily for myself, since I have to live with me 24/7 and he only sees me 6 days a month. Maybe I got lazy when he wasn't traveling, because if I didn't plan anything fun for myself, he was always there to hang out with. It's starting to sound like I just need to make an effort to schedule myself social time -- which can be difficult, because even though I love people, I'm a little antisocial, and a lot of the times going out sounds like a miserable idea until I actually get out there and start having fun.

Originally Posted by 빈센트

Don't lose focus quite yet. Get a journal or something. Start writing stuff.

You know... I just had a chat with my buddy at work about this sort of thing. And I do need to start writing stuff. I used to write a lot, but it really fell by the wayside over the past few years -- I haven't written anything that wasn't assigned by my editor practically since I graduated. And since I do have all of this spare time, that would be a very therapeutic and productive thing for me to do.

By the way, how do you write your name in Roman letters?

Thanks everybody.

PS, the DDR game has been awesome, though my calves really hurt and I'm sure my downstairs neighbors hate me!

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

But I live 45 minutes down the mountain from where most of them are, which is a little inconvenient otherwise.

Bugger. I was in a similar situation when I lived with my parents. My friends were in the city, 45 minutes away. I just made sure my weekends were full, and that was enough to let me get something out of the week (I wouldn't say I enjoyed it, I was too much of an angsty teenager )

Originally Posted by elainevdw

And I worry about burning myself out if I grow my henna business too much and have to deal with my primary job and have to make time for both myself and my family/friend(s).

How attached to your primary job are you? Could you live comfortably with the income from your Henna job if you grew it? (assuming you enjoy your Henna job more than your primary one)

Originally Posted by elainevdw

...even though I love people, I'm a little antisocial, and a lot of the times going out sounds like a miserable idea until I actually get out there and start having fun.

Hehehe I think everyone with even slightly introverted tendencies has been there. I know I have

Originally Posted by elainevdw

And I do need to start writing stuff. I used to write a lot, but it really fell by the wayside over the past few years

Same here. Until I bought myself a nice leather-bound journal in December. I had a few regular notepads, but they were all for other purposes, so I never felt inclined to use them for journaling. But I decided to buy a dedicated journal and consider it an investment, an investment that was wasted if I didn't write in it. And I have, almost every night since I bought it.