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10-05-2009, 12:03 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 29
 |  How to deal with negativity and insults?
I just got into college a few weeks ago and some of the people that I'm dealing with are very negative. I would've stopped talking to them altogether, but we have shared friends, some of whom are very nice, so I have to get along with all of them to avoid conflict. Now, the people that are bothering me can be loosely divided into two groups: the whiners and the pickers. The whiners are those that are constantly in a bad mood. Which isn't nearly as bad as the second group, but after a while hearing phrases like "life is ****" and "my weekend sucked" can really get to you. I tried responding to it by cheering them up, or telling them that life is awesome, but they either start arguing over it trying to convince me that I'm wrong or assume a moral high ground and tell me that I just haven't seen "the darker side of life" (wtf?) The second group are much more problematic, as they constantly try to pick on and belittle others, by various overt and subtle insults. I tried to ignore them at first by not responding to what they said at all, but the strategy backfired as they assumed me as an 'easy target' and continue to shower me with insult at every opportunity. How can I deal with this... diplomatically? I don't want to insult them back as that is just immature and will create hostility in the group, so is there any way to disarm the situation without a verbal fight? |
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10-05-2009, 12:32 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3,897
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I am having a similar situation at the moment, though with just one male I know...and he's taking all his own crap out on me! The way I have chosen to deal with it is to write him a note letting him know that it's time I found some people who are more sensitive, like me, to be around (that way I'm not actually blaming him overtly for everything, just informing him of a choice I'm making to take care of myself) I kept the note brief and to the point and didn't attack him in any way, but kept it about me and my needs. I intend to send it to him with a book I borrowed, so he doesn't have the opportunity to try and talk me out of it. I also asked him to honour my decision by not trying to contact me again... Don't know if this helps in your case, but it's an idea at least, that you may want to consider? Good luck! Oh, you might also want to make the effort to find more positive people to be around instead. |
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10-05-2009, 12:50 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,612
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I think sometimes you just need to dismiss these people from your life entirely.. Strangely, sometimes the best way of dealing with their negativity is to bring it to their attention.. eg. "it must really suck to feel the need to complain and whine every sentence you speak" It's also important to try not to become negative like they are.. Because it can become quite easy to get caught in that cycle, and also most importantly above all, it's best to have compassion for them, because they're probably experiencing problems, and that's why they need to be negative |
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10-05-2009, 01:10 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Ohio
Posts: 261
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I've been through similar things in my life. This blog entry might help shed some light on it.  Dealing With Ignorant People |
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10-05-2009, 02:02 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,756
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Sometimes being alone is the way to go. If they do not help you to be happier and better, let them stay away. You will suffer social pressures, you may feel the illusion of being alone. But do not worry. You are not alone, you have us. After you graduate from school the universe will expand and the small circle of people you have around will be so big that in the future it may be hard for you to find those who were your friends. In the past I had a similar problem. But later in life I realized. I have met several thousand people in the last years. And you may find new valuable people who are worthy to be your friends. |
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10-05-2009, 02:27 PM
| #6 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,612
| Quote:
It's a real challenge, indeed | |
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10-05-2009, 02:30 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3,897
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I found that link really helpful and affirming Auspicious8, thankyou. It confirmed to me that the way I have been handling this person up til now has been the right way, and I have been doing my best to accept him and send him love, and to not let myself be affected by his behaviour...but I think this can only be a temporary way of dealing with it. Eventually the insults and humiliation erode a persons self-esteem, and I'm not going to let that happen...I know he is only acting from unconscious patterns he has inherited from his parents behaviour towards him, and he is stuck in that loop, and he is really ignorant...like most people really, me included! I've found people who are positive and have integrity to be around and that's where I am headed. I'm sure the original poster will find better people to be around too. Last edited by blossom; 10-05-2009 at 02:35 PM. |
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10-05-2009, 02:41 PM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Nong Seng
Posts: 3,975
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Spend time and energy on the people you want to be with, and don't spend it on others. If your friends want to spend time with whiners and pickers, are they really the friends you want to be with? | |
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10-05-2009, 03:14 PM
| #9 (permalink) | ||
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mexico City
Posts: 11,168
| Quote:
 I usually try to discuss it with them, but that is because I enjoy it. Whenever I do not want to discuss it, i just say "Hmmm to bad your weekend was not nice." then change the subject. Start talking about classes, your GREAT weekend etc. This way they will learn, slowely but surely that if they want to have a conversation with you, it will have to be about something positive or neutral. Quote:
Have you tried giving them complements in return? Or just in general? So, whenever they say something nasty, you go "ow, btw, I really like those earrings/shoes/bag" or "I heard you got an A in Science, great job!" This will get them out of the mind set of being nasty (which they probably are because they are insecure to be in a new school/college, having to deal with all types of social issues) and get them in a mindset of being nice, or at least gratitute. It is very difficult to keep on being nasty when somebody just paid you a well meaning complement... | ||
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10-05-2009, 03:22 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3,897
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Can I add to that to make sure the compliments you give are sincere...it makes the interaction all the sweeter because they can really feel that you mean it, if you actually DO! Also, sometimes life CAN really suck, so trying to tell someone that it doesn't when they may be experiencing something you don't know about, is really grating and they will naturally not like someone who tries to tell them otherwise. You have your reality and they have theirs...and the two won't always be in synch, so it's probably best to not rub there noses in it unless you WANT to invoke their wrath! I know that I have been through some really terrible experiences in my life...total nightmares that noone else could know how it felt...and being around chirpy cheerful types made me sick, to be honest...they didn't understand, and the fact that they were happy and positive only made me feel worse about where I was at...so trying to infect them with positivity...I dunno if that's the best thing to do. Generally speaking it's best if the happy people stick with happy people, and if you're miserable, the last thing you want is someone who's happy and loving life to mock you without meaning to! Does this make sense? Last edited by blossom; 10-05-2009 at 03:32 PM. |
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10-05-2009, 03:24 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
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You have a lot more choice than to just avoid or resist "negative" people -- in fact, I think that's very wimpy and ineffective as a way of life, although it can be a very helpful short-term tool when you're feeling a lack of inner resource for making another, more powerful and effective choice. Avoiding and resisting cost you a lot -- it takes a lot of psychic energy to avoid and resist someone, and as it is a focus on what you don't want, it also tends to have the effect of attracting more "negative" people to avoid and resist. It's a downward spiral, in other words. As long as your modus operandi is avoiding and resisting, there will be plenty of people in your reality who qualify as people to be avoided and resisted. If I were in your position, I would be more interested in developing personal power, and it looks to me like that's what you are interested in. Developing personal power gives you access to actually transforming "negative" people into something that works better for you. You'd have to use your own creative problem solving to develop personal power, but I'd start by looking for the opportunity each "group" presents. For instance, the "whiners" might present you with the opportunity to practice full self-possession. No one can *really get to* you without your permission; you might want to practice not accepting their stinky sneakers (a nice metaphor Rose of Cairo introduced here), but rather, practice being in charge of your own state. Additionally, you can practice your own communication skills with these people and powerfully develop the ability to make a positive difference. Cheering complaining people up doesn't tend to make a positive difference, by the way -- it just sounds to them like you're making them wrong, so of course they'd argue back. Can you think of some questions you might want to ask a "whiner" that might lead them to an alternative perspective without making them wrong? As for the "pickers" (I sometimes call them "mismatchers"), the first thing I'd do is disconnect the mechanisms that "push my buttons", so that their barbs don't get me all reactivated. Once those buttons are dismantled, they might as well be telling you you've got a large giraffe growing out of the top your head -- you'll just shrug it off and know it doesn't mean anything about you, it's their own gunk showing up and there's no need for you to feel bothered by it. At that point, free of reactivation, you have all the choice in the world about how to deal with it diplomatically -- by asking questions, directly letting them know how their remarks are landing, and by learning to understand THEIR mechanisms -- when you start understanding how OTHER people's old pain gets reactivated and has them lashing out at the world, you are on the road to having real personal power -- compassion, influence, and skill in feeling really good and making a positive difference. And interestingly, as you develop that kind of personal power, more like-minded, "positive" people will be drawn into your orbit, and you won't even notice "negative" people anymore! Last edited by Angela; 10-05-2009 at 03:56 PM. |
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10-05-2009, 04:17 PM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Ohio
Posts: 261
| Quote:
Simply to assume that they don't understand and are only mocking you is akin to throwing out a delicious hamburger before you bite into. You're throwing away a potentially great relationship or experience because you assumed something about the other person that isn't true. Furthermore - I deal with negative people with tremendous love and compassion purely for my own sanity. To react to them in any other way would rob me of my happiness. I unconditionally love other people strictly for my own selfish reasons, if that makes any sense. I don't try and 'infect' others with positivity. It just happens of its own accord. | |
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10-05-2009, 04:34 PM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 22,520
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Just as a cheerful person who agrees to allow a "negative" person to "really get to" her is making a choice, a person who is feeling bad who agrees to allow a cheerful person to *make* her feel worse or sickened is also making a choice. The difference, I think, is that the person who habitually feels good tends to be present to more conscious choice and opportunity, where the bad-feeling person is experiencing an apparent lack of conscious choice. Either way, cheerful or grim, if you're living at effect, you have no real power -- your state is subject to the whims of external circumstance. I recommend using that extra boost you've got when you're feeling good to move more and more to a perspective of being at cause in your life, so that it becomes your habitual way of being -- that makes it easier to make a positive difference when you're feeling grim. | |
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10-06-2009, 01:41 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Japan
Posts: 19
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Since you cannot change people, you can only influence them a little. The best tactic I know uses human nature to your advantage. If it is not yet there, you need to develop the relationship to a point where the target person looks up to you in at least one aspect, meaning that he or she wants to be more like you in that area. Then using that as leverage give them compliments and reassurance when they act positively and give them no attention at all when they act negatively. If you know the person well enough, you might be able to inflict some minor psychological pain whenever they act negatively. This combination of pain and pleasure will steer them towards the behaviour you want out of them. PS: Use this info for good and not evil  |
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10-06-2009, 02:48 AM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 21
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Every group mind sinks to its lowest common denominator. We have to discriminate for our own saftey, sanity and well-being. I don't mean that in a racial way, but as far as who we associate with. Even the most loving light filled person can be dragged down by allowing the certain types into their lives. In school, you can surely choose your friends. Classes are only 50 minutes. At work it can be much harder. A room full of negative, bored, angry people can get you down by sheer force of gravity. I have chosen solitude for a while to heal from the constant attacks I was subjected to in London while doing my psychic work. It is amazing the sheer determination some will use the sheer bloody minded determination to drag you down. Sometimes its just environmental, sometims its deliberate. |
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10-06-2009, 07:19 AM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3,897
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I didn't actually say that I thought they WERE mocking me...I only stated that purely being in their happy prescence while I was in this grim place, made me FEEL like their happiness was mocking me, not them personally...I'm sure that they honestly had no idea what the effect of it was on me. This happened many years ago before I had even evolved to understand that I COULD have a choice about what I felt or how I responded, as I was much younger...and it seemed like they didn't understand...whether they did or not I have no idea...but it seems like alot of people are a bit too caught up in their own world and problems to even make the effort to try and understand what another person is going through. I certainly experienced not being listened to quite regularly, so it gave me the message that noone cared, which is reasonable. It's nice that you do have friends that do understand and have been through stuff...but don't assume that's the same for everyone! Also, I have to agree with spirit4711 in regards to conflict, and I did pick up on that when I first read the posters thread. It's so true. Most people try like blazes to avoid conflict and confrontation...like it's a bad thing, when really it can be a catalyst for much growth and change of a situation if the person is willing to be brave and tackle it head on. Avoiding something only gives it more power and control over you in the end, and really, confrontation doesn't have to be that bad, if you handle it assertively, which takes practise...LOTS of practise, but eventually it starts to become second nature to be able to stand up and communicate what you want and need with others, and it's really the only way to resolve the issue...otherwise you end up walking around with it constantly looming in your mind and causing anxiety and stress, which just makes your life unpleasant. Once you can begin to face these people, their power over you and how you feel will change and dissipate, and the whole situation will be transformed and amaze you! Arlene de winter: I think alot of the time it is deliberate, as these people are feeling bad or suffering for whatever reason and seeing you not suffering makes them uncomfortable, so in order for them to feel comfortable again, they have to bring you down to where they're at...it's the same with happy people. If you are around a bunch of happy people and you aren't that happy, alot of the time they will feel like they want to cheer you up so you will be at their level and everyone can be happy. If you're not though, you're not, and it's o.k to feel whatever you feel, but it's probably not a good idea to hang around people who will try and bring you down as eventually it will work. Last edited by blossom; 10-06-2009 at 07:26 AM. |
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10-06-2009, 01:45 PM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Ohio
Posts: 261
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blossom - I think I misinterpreted your post.  People all too often try to guess the real intention of others and are surprised, perhaps a little afraid even, when they meet light workers. Are they *really* genuine? Is this a trick? All too often people think that everyone else is bad and out to get them when, in reality, this is rarely the case. There are plenty of good, genuine, authentic people in the world.But, like I said, I think I misinterpreted your post. My bad. | |
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10-06-2009, 02:44 PM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3,897
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Hey, it's no problem Auspicious8...I know that's just life on the internet. It's difficult to always interpret words on a screen correctly, especially when you don't know the person typing them! I am a little confused though about what you went on to say about thinking everyone was bad? I am not sure whether you think that I thought that of you or whether you were just speaking generally, or if it was to the original posters issue that you were referring to? I certainly didn't think you were bad or out to get me. I know when it's just a case of misunderstanding. Could you clarify that for me please? It kinda feels to me like you took it personally what I said about my experience from the other side of the fence, but I was actually directing the comment towards the original poster. Perhaps I could have used the word 'inJect' rather than infect in my statement...infect sounds like it's a bad thing to be positive...I didn't mean that...I was infact attempting to show how a person, in that neg frame of mind, which is a bit grim, can interpret positivity and how it can make him/her feel, and gave the reasons for this...it wasn't a personal dig at you, nor was it thinking they were out to get me...I'm sure they didn't even know the effect there cheerfulness was having on me at the time! I'm interested in this as I have had male friends tell me they thought that I thought they were bad, when I actually didn't, or didn't think I did anyway. I have been recovering from Post traumatic stress disorder for a few years now, and that has caused some pretty unusual behaviour and thought processes I admit...though often I am not conscious of it, so, is this something you picked up or were you referring to something else? Last edited by blossom; 10-06-2009 at 02:54 PM. |
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10-06-2009, 02:51 PM
| #22 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,756
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How to react to insults: Think about this... then laugh a lot. Idiot: You have came this far in your academic trajectory. Conclusion: If I am an idiot, I must be a very smart idiot. Son of a b****: It implies that my mom is a b****. But I know my mother more than anyone, and she is not like that. Conclusion: That person means the mom of another person. Loser: Defeat is when objectives are not achieved within a certain time frame and a certain number of attempts. Conclusion: Since life gives a time frame that lasts until we die, and it allows an infinite name of attempts, we are not losers unless we die without achieving objectives. Immature: Maturity is about learning from life. There is not a single gauge of learning curves since we all learn different things. Conclusion: The adjective immature is non scientific, not based on any reliable fact. Ugly: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Conclusion: The other person has a problem with his/her eye. Weakling: Physical strength does not reflect emotional strength. The need to abuse of physically weaker people is a sign of emotional weakness. Conclusion: That person has too much muscle, but reduced emotional intelligence. Stupid: Most of creative ideas start with an apparently stupid idea. It is a sign that you are thinking out of the box.Conclusion: I can be a more creative person. and so on... Have some fun with other people's insults. People insult to cause a reaction, which is exactly flamebaiting and trolling. If you play their game, you engage in a drama triangle as the victim. The Drama Triangle: Persecutor, Victim and and Rescuer Do not engage in a drama triangle. It makes everyone unhappy. |
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10-06-2009, 03:23 PM
| #23 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Ohio
Posts: 261
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In my last post - I was just speaking in general terms. Many people are far more paranoid than necessary - myself included. Lately I've been working a lot on my perception and beliefs about people in general, so that I can connect with others easier. As far as why I made the misinterpretation - it was mostly based on a certain feeling, or vibe I guess. It could be because of my own perception of you or people in general, or it could be an intuitive hit of some kind. I still find it difficult to tell the difference sometime. At any rate - I'm afraid we're straying a little off topic here. You can always PM or email me if you want to talk more. | |
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10-07-2009, 01:01 AM
| #24 (permalink) | ||
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,203
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10-07-2009, 01:12 AM
| #25 (permalink) |
| Banned Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 3,897
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These are good points The Cloud. I think alot of cheerful people do tend to ignore the dark side of humans...to their detriment! I'm not saying that to be offensive to happy people...I just think it's good to be balanced about things and that includes embracing the dark side and all it's aspects.
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10-07-2009, 04:21 PM
| #26 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 29
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Thank you for the replies, everyone. You were all very helpful Quote:
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10-07-2009, 08:07 PM
| #27 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,203
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You can't win by turning negativity into positivity, and you can't win by squeezing negativity out with overwhelming positivity. You just can't, it doesn't work. You have to make friends with negativity, or else it will always be your enemy. In practical terms, that means accepting all the things you hate about yourself. Not trying to fix them, but to accept them. Like I said, you can't win by trying to turn negativity into its opposite. Perhaps start with the things that the pickers pick on you for. Understand that the thing in you that makes those parts of you possible, the things about yourself that you don't like, is never going away. You are always going to be able to be weak or stupid or ugly or annoying or whatever else it is that you're trying not to be. Along with the power to succeed comes the power to fail, and you cannot have one without the other. You have the power to fail, and you cannot be free of the pickers until you understand that. | |
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10-07-2009, 08:21 PM
| #28 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,545
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Responding to insults... I have read that one response can be "Thank you for that feedback, I will consider it." If you can see a grain of truth in the insult, agree with it; defensiveness is the opposite of self-confidence. If they continue on and on or begin to act verbally abusive, then politely but firmly ask them to stop and remove yourself from the situation if they do not.
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10-07-2009, 08:24 PM
| #29 (permalink) | |
| Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Mexico City
Posts: 11,168
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Accept yourself yes, but inspite of things you donīt like of yourself, not because of them. Love yourself including the bad and the ugly, but that does not mean that you have to accept them. You CAN change anything and everything about yourself as long as you WANT to. I disagree about having to accept negativity. People say I always see the positive side and I donīt live in the real word... well... that is ok for me. I like my version a whole lot better | |
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