Following the crowd

[Footballman]

Hi there,

For some reason I tend to feel bad when I'm not doing something that everyone else is doing. I've recently gone back to university but I'm a little older than the other students that I live with(I'm 23 years old while they are mostly 18/19). There are some university events such as the ball etc which I've never bothered with, but recently I've been feeling sad because I don't go and get involved in these things. This is even in spite of knowing it would be overcrowded, I probably wouldn't enjoy myself due to being a little self-conscious and also due to the age difference.

By the way these are things I've never done in the past even though others were doing them.

Would you say it's a case of too much negative thinking and not thinking rationally - letting my emotions take over too much?

Thank you,
Footballman.

[rei]

i think this is about you wanting to fit in. you are self-conscious about the age difference, even though it is small; in 20 years you will be 43 and they will be 38/39, see how small that difference is?

i think you are assuming they care you are a whopping 4-5 years older than them. they probably don't care that much. when i was 23, i didn't seem that old (i'm 26 now, still don't seem that old). i think you are allowing the age difference to have more power than it deserves.

wanting to fit in is a common desire, and nothing is inherently wrong with a drive to belong. but... if you set aside this belief that your age matters to them, you might begin to see that you already fit in, and then you won't feel as strong a desire to do things you don't really want to do.

if this seems totally wrong, you can say so or not even bother and just don't listen.

[Lioness]

The great thing about any social/sports event is that you can leave anytime you want. Absolutely go and check out what going on. No one will probably even notice the age difference. Take a camera or camera/phone, go up to someone you know or would like to know and ask to take pics to send home. Most people love to pose and this can be an icebreaker. You might prepare a few conversation starters where you can joke about feeling like an old man at Age 23! If you don't have a good time, you can always leave. What have you got to lose?

[Footballman]

Thanks for the post guys. I actually feel a bit better now which is good. I suppose you are right rei - I'm giving the age difference way too much power. I think it's a bad habit of focussing on it as significant - I really need to cut myself some slack! I suppose it's only an issue if I make it out to be one. I think I've been using this as an excuse to not get close to people, which is bizarre, because I do want to connect with people more..
seems I'm my own worst enemy at times!!!

[rei]

Originally Posted by Footballman

I think I've been using this as an excuse to not get close to people, which is bizarre, because I do want to connect with people more..
seems I'm my own worst enemy at times!!!

i think we've ALL been there dude!
and getting close to people can be a lil scary... what if they don't like us? what if we do the work and get rejected? feel the fear and do it anyway! yeah, definitely some advice i can follow myself

you are only as old as you feel. i am glad you are feeling better already, i hope you can have a snowball effect from that.

[Jarrod]

In addition, I think there are two other things to consider.

Realise the difference between what are your expectations and what are the expectations that others place on you.

Know what you want and pay attention to what is suggesting that you should not go after what you want.

[blossom]

I have to agree with what Jarrod just posted.

Maybe you are feeling the collective pressure from all your peers to do what they are doing so THEY can feel more comfortable about themselves. If you start doing your own thing, it can make others feel uncomfortable, like someone in the tribe isn't validating their choice to do whatever it is THEY are doing. Maybe you feel like you'd be disappointing them, and you think that's wrong to disappoint them and somehow selfish of you if you do?
It makes them question it to themselves why and IF they want to really be doing this, and they don't want to do this because then THEY might not feel like they are fitting in...and kids that age all want to fit in...unless they are total oddballs to start with (I use that term to mean a person who likes doing their own thing and doesn't follow the crowd)
They would rather fit in than figure out what they REALLY want to do, and that might actually be too scary for them to confront...so it's easier to just subtly put pressure on you to follow suit and not ruin it for them!

The real question is, would YOU rather fit in and go along with what everyone else is doing, or work out for yourself what you REALLY want to be doing, and risk disappointing them? Can you handle disappointing others to please yourself?

Does this make any sense to you?

[Footballman]

Thanks for your comments. They made sense to me.

It's interesting what you say Jarrod. I hadn't until now really considered what the others who are younger than me want. But they tend to hang out a fair bit together, so perhaps they like it the way it is.
Paying attention to what I want, I think I at least want to be decent friends with them and that would be fine really, even if I'm not really 'in with them'.

Blossom, not including the last year or so, I've been a bit of an oddball all life. But last year, I just felt I wasn't connecting with anyone or anything much, so decided to change my approach. When I was a university freshman a few years back, that was when I felt at my lowest and I sense it was because I was too scared to get involved and do the things I now wish I'd done. So maybe what I'm trying to do now is make up for my past mistakes, but I forget to remember that now is not the same as then(I'm now older than my peers).

I think the best approach is for me to just get on with my own thing and not overly seek validation. For instance, I can get involved in sports I enjoy doing and playing music, and try that route as a means to build some friends. Then, when they see me being happy doing my own thing and yet stilll being open to being friends, maybe we'll connect more.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by Footballman

For some reason I tend to feel bad when I'm not doing something that everyone else is doing.

Have you ever tried to be a rebel, a renegade?
Punks and skaters are not renegades, but slaves of fashion.
A true rebel is the one who is "uncool" for not doing what the crowd does.
And that's the cool factor of being a rebel, that you know you are a true rebel.

[Grindin]

I think you need to find out who you are. You need a mission, something to stand for in life, and once you have it these things won't matter at all. How do you find your mission? Go through a lot of ****ing problems...kinda like you are right now, so good job.

[brendannz]

Just because they're 19, doesn't mean you can't be friends with them, you can still respect them and have fun with them, however they probably won't be able to be your best friends.. who you hang out with regularly, just occasional friends..