Disorder

[anony]

I am seeking help for a problem I have been facing all my life. Every part of my life seems to be affected due to certain psychological problems I have. I don't know how or where to find help. No amount of self help has been able to help me since childhood. I don't even know how to define what I have - probably anti-social disorder or something, in medical terms...I am not even sure of that.

As a kid, I used to lie without a reason, deceive, I often robbed money/things from parents, friends, strangers. I have been in and out of relationships at my own will without considering anyone's emotions. Everytime I ended up doing some mistake, I would tell myself that I would never repaet it, as I recognized that they werent the right things to do, but I was never able to keep up my own promise to the self. I was OK for a while and then I gradually drifted back to old ways.

Now, I am in my late twenties, married and recently gave birth to a kid. I have not been able to do anything worthwhile in my life because I put myself in trouble time and again due to these weaknesses. The focus that the right things needed - like education, career, job etc get ruined due to my impulsive action and lack of clear goals. Although, I have always wanted to be an achiever, I could never get there...perhaps, due to lack of focus.

Recently, I faked my identity and enetered into a relationship online with some stranger just for pleasure and to while away time and boredom. I knew all along I was doing wrong, but I did nothing to control myself. While one part of me kept telling me that I had to be responsible, now that I was a mom and things like that, the other part of me would just continue doing things to keep me satisfied. Yesterday, I found the courage and strength to reveal my true identity to the person I was deceiving and explained myself to my husband. The person involved was so hurt and he lamented how his family had truly thought that he had found the person of his dreams etc...and that affected me too deeply. I am guilty now that I have put someone else, a total stranger and his family, in distress due to my irresponsible action. I have started to hate myself for this.

My husband felt rotten that at a time when the kid should have been the most prioritized thing, I did this totally unacceptable thing which had no relevance or reason. He is still very upset and I have started thinking that I shouldn't have told him about it. Now, I feel that my husband would hate me for the rest of his life and I feel depressed, find myself crying most of the time. I am afraid with all these qualities, I am affecting my kid too. My husband has started feeling frustrated as he thinks my constant crying while breastfeeding is passing on negative emotions to the kid. Just like every other new mom, I want to give her the best of all things, but with my low self esteem, I don't know how I would do that.

While I am confused, lost and waiting for direction, I am determined to correct myself and give myself true happiness that I have deprived myself for all my life. I wanted to seek professional help but my husband feels a bout of discipline should suffice to make me a better person.

I want to know how to be loved and respected - by my own self first and I want to know how to earn my husband's love that I would have perhaps lost after I told him about myself.

[joanmhe]

Hi,
How old is your baby? You sound like you may have post-partum depression, and you might start out by seeing your doctor for that.
When I was breast-feeding, I set up my chair so that I could read. After my ex threw out the murder-mystery because I shouldn't read that stuff while nursing, I read 7 habits of highly effective people. I think that really helped me orgranize my life around having a baby.

I know I have made plenty of mistakes when I was younger that I am not proud of. There are a lot of reasons for these, but when I started to understand why I was doing those things, and what I really wanted, I changed.

Please love and forgive yourself,

Joan

[anony]

you know what? I actually requested a hold on this book...may be it helps. The kid is 10 days old. My parents are people with high ideals. So is my husband. He is loving and caring. I really dont know what leads to do such horrible things...No amount of thinking makes me feel that I am justified...

[elainevdw]

Next time you see your ob-gyn, talk to them about these feelings. It does sound like you have post-partum depression, and your doctor will be able to refer you to resources to help.

Everybody does stupid, messed up things. The difference is that, when you're depressed, those are the only things you see. And you're unable to forgive yourself for them when you're depressed. If you weren't depressed, you'd be able to see all the wonderful things about yourself that your husband, family and friends love -- and which your baby will love as he/she grows up!

Don't "punish" yourself with these self-loathing thoughts and actions -- you don't deserve it! You owe it to yourself to get the help to overcome these feelings. And your family will be so very relieved to see you happy and healthy again.

Learn how to think about yourself and your problems in a positive, healthy way, not a way that leads to a downward spiral of self-loathing.

[Lychee]

You've been doing this since you were a kid - this is a habit. You already know this is a problem. I suggest you spend some time to sit down and really figure out what is important to you, and how you would feel if these things were taken away from you. List how you would correct your problems and what would come of those corrections.

It is possible that you have a psychological disorder. Maybe you can set an appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist to determine if you have a disorder (if at all) then move from there. Discipline is necessary, yes, but this might be more complex than what a mere "discipline yourself" suggestion can do.