Person who makes me feel bad without trying to

[Andrew Gubb]

It's funny. One of my last girlfriends had something strange going on. She was a cool person, but somehow, being around her, I felt depressed and negative. She never verbally tried to hurt me, but somehow, it happened. I didn't even realise it was her for a long time. I noticed that when I was with her, I felt bad, and when I wasn't, I felt better. I talked to her about this and it seems like it didn't happen with anyone else. She said, "I just know you as this guy who's always sad". Wtf?

Any idea what could be going on here??

[Angela]

I think of you as a pretty responsible person, at cause in your life rather than being at effect, so I would go from the supposition that your buttons were getting pushed, and that "what's going on here" is that now, after the relationship, your unconscious mind is now presenting the old pain -- the ancient mechanism that you had programmed into your unconscious mind, probably long, long before you ever met this woman -- to you for resolution.

What's going on here, it sounds like to me, is that you have the opportunity to heal an old limiting belief or stored up negative emotion. You are preparing yourself to walk through a doorway of growth. Are you ready to do that consciously?

[brendannz]

Do you feel this way often around people? or especially around this girl?

Maybe she's not consciously trying to hurt you in any way, but you've picked up the vibe that she thinks of you as lesser in some way.. and this comes through when you're around her?

[blossom]

I really don't know enough about your ex to form an oppinion, but it sounds like, from what you have shared, like there was some serious transference of her own sadness onto you.

If she is the sort of person that always has to be happy and, for her, sadness isn't acceptable, for whatever reason, it's possible she put it on you to avoid having to face her own depressive feelings.
Depressed people can, without meaning to, cause others around them to feel down as well...this is the really terrible thing about depression...it isolates the depressed person even more, which sends him/her on a spiral even further down because they KNOW they are contagious to others and noone wants to be around them!

Are you very introverted? Introverted people are often mistaken for being sad when they really aren't, because they don't always smile...I know that I have been accused of being sad when I'm not, just because I don't walk around all day with a smile on my face like a congenital idiot!
Since most non-introverted types equate smiling with happiness, and not smiling with sadness, we are often misunderstood and judged for it...but smiling faces don't always mean the person smiling is 'happy'. It can mean that the person smiling is hiding what they are really feeling, which may be the opposite of happy!

Does any of this sound like it might be the case in your situation?

[spirit4711]

@Andrew, if it only happens when the two of you are together, it seems plausible that Angela hits it on the mark: somehow your buttons are pressed.

Note BTW that the title for this topic is a bit off. You make yourself feel bad. Not she.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Do you feel this way often around people? or especially around this girl?

JUST this girl. This is what makes it so strange.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by blossom

I really don't know enough about your ex to form an oppinion, but it sounds like, from what you have shared, like there was some serious transference of her own sadness onto you.

If she is the sort of person that always has to be happy and, for her, sadness isn't acceptable, for whatever reason, it's possible she put it on you to avoid having to face her own depressive feelings.
Depressed people can, without meaning to, cause others around them to feel down as well...this is the really terrible thing about depression...it isolates the depressed person even more, which sends him/her on a spiral even further down because they KNOW they are contagious to others and noone wants to be around them!

Are you very introverted? Introverted people are often mistaken for being sad when they really aren't, because they don't always smile...I know that I have been accused of being sad when I'm not, just because I don't walk around all day with a smile on my face like a congenital idiot!
Since most non-introverted types equate smiling with happiness, and not smiling with sadness, we are often misunderstood and judged for it...but smiling faces don't always mean the person smiling is 'happy'. It can mean that the person smiling is hiding what they are really feeling, which may be the opposite of happy!

Does any of this sound like it might be the case in your situation?

I am an introvert and I thought it was part of it. She just couldn't get along with me being silent and independent all the time, which was part of why we broke up, and that's fine, we just weren't compatible. But I don't think that's all of it. I really did feel awful around her.

I think the first thing you said might have something to it, though. I do feel like she repressed her sadness. She had a load of issues with her parents but thought she had transcended them, then she tried to play the guru with me about my own parent issues.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by Angela

I think of you as a pretty responsible person, at cause in your life rather than being at effect, so I would go from the supposition that your buttons were getting pushed, and that "what's going on here" is that now, after the relationship, your unconscious mind is now presenting the old pain -- the ancient mechanism that you had programmed into your unconscious mind, probably long, long before you ever met this woman -- to you for resolution.

What's going on here, it sounds like to me, is that you have the opportunity to heal an old limiting belief or stored up negative emotion. You are preparing yourself to walk through a doorway of growth. Are you ready to do that consciously?

Hmm, Angela, are you saying that writing this now I'm working through this old issue? Could be. Consciously all I considered was that I was curious about why this happened.

It's interesting, I noticed the day that we broke up that this feeling intensified until I resolved the issue between us by saying that we should end the relationship, upon which it ended. I really felt it in my heart chakra, like my energy was going out towards her.

I think I might have been engaging in some sort of pattern of low self-esteem on my part to an energy-draining high-horse attitude on her part. I was letting myself feel bad about myself and giving energy to her frame of "I know better than you... you're wounded... let me help you," which she fed off. Soul Realignment calls her (if this is what she is) a negative soul, someone who creates or helps create dark energy in others. They feed off this, as they refuse the energy of Source.

[ellie]

I too would have to agree with Angela.

Her saying you "being sad" must of kept with you, as i read it in a blog post of yours a while back. Are you sad? Does it matter if you are? Does it matter if she thinks your sad? Why do you hold onto her words? Why do you still hold onto her thoughts?

Andrew, I had someone say something like to me that a while back (and other things to put me down). Now I didn't like this person at all, and yet I kept dwelling on what this person said. It had a lot do with me not standing up to her and letting her tell me what she believed I was. It was the fact that I let her do this to me, that got to me. For long while I could not understand why I kept on dwelling on this person and feeling such anger and hurt...but what I soon came to realise was that I the process was just about me letting go, of being effected by another persons words, to not hold any value in their beliefs, to be strong enough to not care about what others think.

[Andrew Gubb]

Hm, thanks ellie.

Yes, maybe it was because she had this idea of me as a sad person which I didn't challenge. I think I liked (or craved) the attention, but it didn't turn out to be very healthy in the end.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

Hmm, Angela, are you saying that writing this now I'm working through this old issue? Could be. Consciously all I considered was that I was curious about why this happened.

Yes. "Being curious about why something happened" is a very common way for the unconscious mind to present something to you for conscious resolution. It's a relatively easy one, too. Some people choose methods that involve suffering. Thank your unconscious mind!

I think I might have been engaging in some sort of pattern of low self-esteem on my part to an energy-draining high-horse attitude on her part. I was letting myself feel bad about myself and giving energy to her frame of "I know better than you... you're wounded... let me help you," which she fed off. Soul Realignment calls her (if this is what she is) a negative soul, someone who creates or helps create dark energy in others. They feed off this, as they refuse the energy of Source.

I get that Soul Realignment is talking about how some people are resisting source energy and instead try to gather energy *from* others, and it's great to recognize that, but I must say that referring to other avatars as "negative souls" sounds pretty crappy crappola to me. It's a personal judgement, and of course it doesn't mean anything at all about HER and 100% about YOU to make personal judgements. (I'm not talking about "you" personally, as I don't know that you're making that judgement, but rather "one" who assigns such a label to another avatar.) When you judge or label "others", your unconscious mind takes that very personally: you are judging an aspect of yourself to be a "negative soul" and for me, anyway, that doesn't work well at all (she says, understating dramatically ).

Why did you allow high-horsiness to drain your energy? What aspect of what you believe is true about yourself does "I know better than you...you're wounded.. let me help you" touch and *make* you feel bad? That sounds like it's your hot button. If you had no belief that that was true in some way (probably unconsciously), it wouldn't have reactivated you; you might have simply shrugged it off and continued to be the source of your own good feelings, regardless of anything she said or did. While breaking up is often a very good thing, it's not the source of feeling good.

I think you have an opportunity here to see something really empowering for yourself, but it's not about the woman at all. Thinking it's about her or congratulating yourself for escaping a relationship with a negative soul are beginner's tactics, and you are far beyond a beginner. Disconnect the mechanism, and you'll have freedom, opportunity, and choice that you weren't previously accessing. Wouldn't that be nice?

(And I may be the perfect person for you to have attracted in conversation about this matter. )

[Parthon]

This could be way out there, but I get the impression that you two just had energies that were out of alignment.

It's nothing bad or anything, just that when you are around her, your energy instead of flowing hits a barrier, then gets sucked into a drain almost. It's not so much that she's taking it, more than it's being pulled towards her, then deflected by interference.

She could be a pretty hoopy frood, but unless there's a huge shift in either of your patterns, the drain will continue.

Was I close?

[ar81]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

She was a cool person, but somehow, being around her, I felt depressed and negative. She never verbally tried to hurt me, but somehow, it happened.

Any idea what could be going on here??

I think there is a problem of "emotional communication".
In her emotional code, she is having good communication, but in yours, she is being hostile.
It is not about who is right or wrong, it is just that the codes you have are different. This is whatI would call "emotional culture".

For example, in US it would be normal to sit in the back seat of a cabbie. But in Australia the cab driver may feel like you treat him like a servant. If you sit inthe back seat, you did not mean to offend, but it was understood as an offense.

So it is something similar but in the emotional level. Emotionally you are too different, and I do not foresee a good future together unless you are very understanding towards each other, because of unstable comunication. It is not that I foresee someone would be evil, it is just a problem that communicating simple things could be just too complicated and such relationship would be a problem that may be added to normal problems of daily life. A relationship like that may not be good, for feeling support is very important, and emotional codes are in the way.

It would be better to be friends only.

[blossom]

It's always easier to put the focus on someone elses problems and think you are helping or rescuing them, when it's really her own issues she needs to look at...that's alot scarier.

Also. I don't know what age your ex is, but I know that alot of females go through this stage where we do reach a certain level where we have worked out alot of stuff and think everything is resolved, and feel like we are really wise and need to share that wisdom with others'. I think it's a bit of an ego thing, though we really think we are being helpful...sometimes we need to just back off and realise we don't really know what the other person needs. Only you can know what you really need if you look inside.
It does sound like there was incompatibility between the two of you. I'm sure she doesn't realise her part to play in this, and words are powerful, especially if you are feeling not the best about yourself...we can be so open to suggestion at times. I know that I have gotten pretty mixed up about stuff in the past from boyfriends telling me stuff (from the same sort of "Ï'm wiser than you, let me help"place) and because I thought it was part of being self-honest to consider the possibilty that they could be right in what they say, I let it mess me up for ages. It doesn't help that they say it to us in a tone that is absolutely right (because they really think they ARE right) it can brainwash our minds though...it's hard to detach from.
Especially since introverts tend to really analyse and churn things over and over every little thing in their minds. So I don't think you are hanging onto what she said for any other reason than that's the way your brain operates...which is different to most extroverted types. It's a pain, and I wish I knew how to turn my brain off at times...cos we can literally spend weeks or even months going over stuff in our heads that may or may not have any real relevance to us as individuals...that's one of the downsides to being introverted IMO.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by blossom

Also. I don't know what age your ex is, but I know that alot of females go through this stage where we do reach a certain level where we have worked out alot of stuff and think everything is resolved, and feel like we are really wise and need to share that wisdom with others'. I think it's a bit of an ego thing, though we really think we are being helpful...sometimes we need to just back off and realise we don't really know what the other person needs. Only you can know what you really need if you look inside.

I think it happens to guys too. I'm sure I've played the guru once or twice. But it's this idea that the other person needs your help or is broken and needs to be fixed... that's egoic, no-one NEEDS anything.

Yeah, I def feel like I bought into her frame. "Oh no, I'm broken and need to be fixed" was sort of the ego I had myself anyway.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by ar81

I think there is a problem of "emotional communication".
In her emotional code, she is having good communication, but in yours, she is being hostile.
It is not about who is right or wrong, it is just that the codes you have are different. This is whatI would call "emotional culture".

For example, in US it would be normal to sit in the back seat of a cabbie. But in Australia the cab driver may feel like you treat him like a servant. If you sit inthe back seat, you did not mean to offend, but it was understood as an offense.

So it is something similar but in the emotional level. Emotionally you are too different, and I do not foresee a good future together unless you are very understanding towards each other, because of unstable comunication. It is not that I foresee someone would be evil, it is just a problem that communicating simple things could be just too complicated and such relationship would be a problem that may be added to normal problems of daily life. A relationship like that may not be good, for feeling support is very important, and emotional codes are in the way.

It would be better to be friends only.

We broke up a good long time ago. We definitely weren't compatible. I'm now with a MUCH better girl for me and I am so happy I ended this last story

Yes, I do think we didn't communicate on the same wavelength. We were compatible in some ways, but in others I think we were really quite different and incompatible.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by Parthon

This could be way out there, but I get the impression that you two just had energies that were out of alignment.

It's nothing bad or anything, just that when you are around her, your energy instead of flowing hits a barrier, then gets sucked into a drain almost. It's not so much that she's taking it, more than it's being pulled towards her, then deflected by interference.

She could be a pretty hoopy frood, but unless there's a huge shift in either of your patterns, the drain will continue.

Was I close?

Hmm, sounds like you might have something....

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by Angela

Why did you allow high-horsiness to drain your energy? What aspect of what you believe is true about yourself does "I know better than you...you're wounded.. let me help you" touch and *make* you feel bad? That sounds like it's your hot button. If you had no belief that that was true in some way (probably unconsciously), it wouldn't have reactivated you; you might have simply shrugged it off and continued to be the source of your own good feelings, regardless of anything she said or did. While breaking up is often a very good thing, it's not the source of feeling good.

I think you have an opportunity here to see something really empowering for yourself, but it's not about the woman at all. Thinking it's about her or congratulating yourself for escaping a relationship with a negative soul are beginner's tactics, and you are far beyond a beginner. Disconnect the mechanism, and you'll have freedom, opportunity, and choice that you weren't previously accessing. Wouldn't that be nice?

OK Angela I prefer to think that it's partly about her, partly about me. Sure, it's my patterns which are reacting to her. But then so long as I'm not conscious about those patterns and haven't resolved them, it probably would feel better for me to leave the relationship.

Why did you allow high-horsiness to drain your energy? What aspect of what you believe is true about yourself does "I know better than you...you're wounded.. let me help you" touch and *make* you feel bad? That sounds like it's your hot button. If you had no belief that that was true in some way (probably unconsciously), it wouldn't have reactivated you

Oh I know this one. I have a pattern dating back from my childhood that says "Others know better... you're weak and need help".

Maybe now that you say it, yes, I was healing this by thinking back to this girl. I was recently digging up that experience through other life events too.

[ar81]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

We broke up a good long time ago. We definitely weren't compatible. I'm now with a MUCH better girl for me and I am so happy I ended this last story

Yes, I do think we didn't communicate on the same wavelength. We were compatible in some ways, but in others I think we were really quite different and incompatible.

I know the feeling. I had some people in my past who made me feel just like in this case. They are great friends, but as girlfriend they are a nightmare.

[blossom]

It's good to see that you've taken what you need from what we've all said and found some truth in there which is helping to resolve it in your mind.

[Andrew Gubb]

Thanks Blossom.

So this seems to have been very synchronistic. My ex called me up today and told me she was in Barcelona (she doesn't come that often). So we went out for a little while.

I really noticed that psychically she was trying to drain my energy (if it's unconscious do you say she's trying? Well anyway, that seemed to be what was happening). But thanks to what's been going through my system in this thread, I saw her very differently. I didn't buy into her frame when she insinuated I was weak and loaded that idea with a powerful energetic charge. I stayed aloof and unaffected by what she said.

She was looking at me with "those" eyes and was getting progressively closer to me through the time we spent together. She seemed to want an affair while she was here (fair enough, as that was what I used to want of her. We couldn't be in a serious relationship living in different places). I was getting really turned on actually - I love her body and her sexy feminine mannerisms - but then I considered the worst case scenario of losing my girlfriend and thought HELL NO. So I told her I had to get back to work and left

I felt my heart chakra was being tested but not that she had managed to steal my energy like the last time. I left feeling absolutely fine.

Thanks team!

[Andrew Gubb]

Ah yeah, I think actually she's not a negative soul as SR defines it. I think she just has quite a dense energy. I've drained energy before too when I was in a bad place and had forgotten what the light looks like, and my parents have been doing it all their lives. I don't think they're negative by nature, I think they just haven't been able to deal with the slings and arrows that the world has sent their way and have built up pain in their energy body.

Although I don't know too well, I think negative souls are quite rare beings whose purpose in life is to drain energy. I don't feel that my ex is one.

[blossom]

Wow! That is a very interesting synchronicity...I think you handled it well, and with integrity.
I think there are probably only a handful in the whole world who know how to drain energy consciously, most people do it as a way to compensate for something lacking in their own psyche, and it is unconscious mostly...so there' is no need to get angry once you understand this...just make sure you don't let them take it.

I did read of one interesting technique that apparently stops the draining from happening by closing off your energy circuits immediately, and it's particularly interesting to me as I found I do it naturally, and have for years, I just like putting my fingers on both hands together in an upside down love heart shape (which I then think about sending the person in front of me love), and place it over my solar plexus area, (in the book, it also says to cross your feet as this has the effect of closing your energy centres at once)...I didn't realise it had any real energetic effects, but according to this one book I read (which I can't recall the title of at the moment),it does.

I don't know if it is bonafide, but you can always try it next time you feel someone attempting to drain you (if you can remember to, that's half the trouble with me), and see if your energy feels different? No harm in trying right?

[Parthon]

In this case I think it's more like matter and antimatter. When the too meet, BLAM!, they are annihilated. Your energies are opposed to each other rather than being similar or complimentary.

I'd say she's probably a happy person that doesn't drain from anyone else. You might also want to find out if she feels drained around you as well.

[Andrew Gubb]

Thanks blossom, I might try that.

I remember when I was recieving reiki one day I crossed my legs and the healer suggested I should uncross them.

I was healing my girlfriend yesterday actually and I noticed when she did a funny thing with her arms it screwed up the energy flow. I think it comes naturally, she felt uncomfortable receiving more energy as she had too much to process.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by Parthon

In this case I think it's more like matter and antimatter. When the too meet, BLAM!, they are annihilated. Your energies are opposed to each other rather than being similar or complimentary.

I'd say she's probably a happy person that doesn't drain from anyone else. You might also want to find out if she feels drained around you as well.

She doesn't exactly, but does say that I'm too spacy and head-in-the-clouds and that disturbs her. She's Capricorn, I'm Aquarius. Though she does have Aquarius rising too. I am a bit spacy, but only she reacts so badly to it. I see her as making a mountain out of a molehill. I tried changing for her, but it didn't work. In the end I got the idea that she needs to see me as a hopeless case to play her energy-draining games, so that's why she exaggerates the spaciness so much.

[Parthon]

Andrew: That makes sense. Earth signs and Air signs don't get on very well at all. She tries to be grounded, you like to be free, not a good mix at all. the only thing you can do is just move on really, or at least transmute the relationship into one where you don't have to have so much interaction with each other.

Although, I think you knew this all along.

[rei]

just to throw this out there... regardless of how things feel, or what we may think, one person cannot actually USE the energy she/he takes from another person. of course people do still try, often unconsciously (yes i think it is still trying because there is a part of the person who has that intention)... but a person can't do anything with that energy that comes from another.

and often people who have a draining effect are just not sure how to overcome their own stuff to draw from their own inner light (even the so-called negative soul still has an inner light or it could not exist). or they may be at a different vibrational level. Andrew i sense that you, in having a strong heart energy, felt like somehow you could be of service by lowering your natural level of vibration to match her own chosen 'heaviness'. there is no judgment in this at all, it is neither good nor bad. but the point is it isn't necessary. and from what i've read you found another partner who is closer to your natural level.

i dunno if this will help you or not, but it's something to think about...

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by Parthon

Andrew: That makes sense. Earth signs and Air signs don't get on very well at all. She tries to be grounded, you like to be free, not a good mix at all. the only thing you can do is just move on really, or at least transmute the relationship into one where you don't have to have so much interaction with each other.

Although, I think you knew this all along.

Hehehe

Funny thing is I'm now with a TAURUS which I would have thought was even more opposed to me, but we're totally in love!

I think I need earth these days. And she says all of the guys she really liked have been aquarius. Funny

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by rei

just to throw this out there... regardless of how things feel, or what we may think, one person cannot actually USE the energy she/he takes from another person. of course people do still try, often unconsciously (yes i think it is still trying because there is a part of the person who has that intention)... but a person can't do anything with that energy that comes from another.

and often people who have a draining effect are just not sure how to overcome their own stuff to draw from their own inner light (even the so-called negative soul still has an inner light or it could not exist). or they may be at a different vibrational level. Andrew i sense that you, in having a strong heart energy, felt like somehow you could be of service by lowering your natural level of vibration to match her own chosen 'heaviness'. there is no judgment in this at all, it is neither good nor bad. but the point is it isn't necessary. and from what i've read you found another partner who is closer to your natural level.

i dunno if this will help you or not, but it's something to think about...

Thanks rei, that's interesting. Maybe it's so, I'll have to mull it over.

Are you intuitive?