My brain won't shut up and I'm miserable because of it

[Ninja]

It’s a long post, but I need to get this off my chest. Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

I’ve never been much of a female Buddha (except for the shape of my body, perhaps…), always stressed, tense and operating at ‘red alert’. I can be laid back, but only about problems that I don’t care much for, or I know will work themselves out. That’s already a HUGE step forward, since I used to worry about EVERYTHING. Like ‘sports day’ at my high school (the Dutch version that is), or a gruesomely botched haircut. I used to stop, drop and roll, then curl into a fetal position when these things happened. Now I take a breath and tell myself ‘this horror will end, and in a few years I probably won’t even remember it’. It was surprising how often this mantra helped and I became much more relaxed.

Or so I thought.

It seems that now that I have weeded the small weeds out of my mental garden, I have freed enough fertile soil for larger problem plants to grow. And unfortunately, their roots run deep.

All my fears, small and large, are based on “What if?” doom scenarios in my head. And oh boy, am I a pro at thinking up doom scenarios. “What if I mess up at sportsday and all my classmates are going to hate me?” turned into “What if I take the wrong train and end up in the hands of a terrorist?”. “What if the hairdresser botches my hair and make me look like I cut my own hair with a lawnmower?” turned into “What if I get [insert horrible illness here] and the doctors say there’s no hope or me?”.

This also provides a breeding ground for… are you ready?… sub-doom scenarios! And sub-sub-doom scenarios! And sub-sub-sub… There’s no hope for me? Does that mean I’m going to slowly become an invalid? Who’s going to help me make arrangements for care and stuff? My parents? They might not be there by that time. I could ask my sister! But she lives too far away, and she could get hit by a car. I could go out on the streets and desperately ask random strangers to help, but if I’m that ill, I probably won’t be able to walk, and since I have no help, how can I get a wheelchair? And even if I have a wheelchair, what if it breaks down and I can’t reach the phone? What if, what if, what if… Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! As long as I’m not sleeping or knocked out cold with a baseball bat, the fun just never ends! Round and round we go, on the wheel of mental torment! Dear Flying Spaghetti monster, someone please shoot me now…

I’ve managed to eliminate most of my fears by accepting death. Terrorists? Deadly illness? Extremely botched hairdo? Bring it on! If death is the worst that can happen, I’ll risk it. I’m at peace with dying now (though I’d rather not…), so I’m also less afraid of things or events that can kill me. Awesome, right? Yeah… only now I’m starting to worry about things worse than death. Time for another trip on the merry-go-round!

My doom scenario plotting brain won’t stay down so easily. I painstakingly work through one fear, and it will simply cook up an even worse one. I thought I finally had it beaten at ‘death’, but the sneaky little weasel has a trump card: blindness.

I know that many terminally ill patients (or healthy persons for that matter) would chose a life without sight over no life at all, but I’m no such case. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced I would rather die in a car crash than survive at the cost of my vision. I’m a control freak. I hate being dependant on others. If I could, I would only meet other people for fun and do everything in life by myself. Because if I depend on other people to do certain things for me, what am I going to do when those people die, move away or simply refuse to help me? The only person that will always be there for me until the day I die, is me. If I go blind, I will have to give up all control, especially in the beginning. And even if I’m lucky, even if people reach out for me (since I won’t be able to reach out for them) and teach me to live with blindness, it will still be impossible to do everything in life by myself, providing plenty of fertilizer for enough sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-times-infinity-doom scenarios to make my head explode… and I can’t stop it!!!

The worst part is, that there are two voices in my head. One says “Don’t be irrational! You’re ruining your life worrying over something that probably won’t even happen!”, but the other says “oh yeah? How many times do you see people on TV or in the paper, standing in next to their sick child or burned down house and saying ‘you always think it only happens to other people…’. The chance may be small, but not non-existent. Are you sure you are the rational one? Or are you perhaps just really naive?”. The latter is growing much stronger every day, and she sounds much more convincing, even though I know listening to it will ruin my life.

I don’t believe in being naive pretending I’m invincible, but I also don’t believe we are here on this world to live in constant fear, huddling together in a corner and waiting for whatever the big bad world is going to throw at us next. I can make myself face many fears thinking this way, but not blindness. Living in the dark for the rest of my life, never seeing the beautiful sky again and never be fully independent? With no offense to those who are already blind or fear death, but I’d rather die. Especially if deafness is added on top of it. I told you my mind will always find a way to make it worse, didn’t I?

Since I conquered my fear of death, the answer seemed easy for a moment: just forget about my fears, live life carefree and to the fullest, and should the worst come to pass, I can push ‘eject’ before I snap and lose my sanity. A bit morbid, but very comforting thought… until my brain pulled another fast one: how on Earth am I gonna commit suicide if I can’t see what I’m doing?

AAAAARRRGHH!!!! ARE YOU [CENSORED] KIDDING ME?!

Needless to say, something needs to be done before my overactive imagination ruins my entire life. And I know there are options: distract myself from worrying by doing fun things, take up meditating, maybe even see a doctor about therapy when I feel I’m really about to go off the deep end. It’s not that I don’t know how to fight this thing. The problem is that I have trouble finding the right motivation. After all, worrying has one great and very tempting advantage: control. As long as I’m worried about something, I feel prepared. It can no longer take me by surprise.

A rather nasty personality trait of mine pops up here: I find it hard to forgive others for their errors. And by that I don’t mean: “well, it’s your own fault for trying to light a firecracker with your nostrils”, but “Well, you knew there was a chance your kid turned out mentally disabled, so why are you complaining that you don’t have a life of your own anymore? Should have used a condom.”. I’m becoming very good at “blaming the victim”, but that resulted in becoming very bad at forgiving myself. If I can blame the victim, it means I can prevent such a disaster to happen to me. But I have a strong sense of fairness, so I can’t blame outside circumstances when something bad does happen to me without fault of my own. Car accident? That will be my own fault for not staying home or using public transit. There is no such thing as “at the wrong place at the wrong time” in my head, but I feel that there should be. Sure, people do stupid things, but is it their fault that they were robbed and killed in their own house, simply because they were home that day? I feel that I should be less harsh and more forgiving towards others, before I can ever let myself off the hook for making a mistake or two. Because right now, if I go blind, it feels like I earned such a fate for not spending my whole life preparing for it. Is that harsh or what?! Someone call a surgeon, because I think my heart has been replaced by an icecube. Yet, there’s that other voice again, the one that says: “but are you sure these thoughts are so irrational?”. And I have a hard time saying yes.

In short: I know sticking your head in the sand is often a bad idea. I know that it’s dumb to spend all your money on a Ferrari when the rent is due in three days. I know that holding a loaded gun to your head and pretending to have an epileptic seizure to show your friends how funny you are, rightfully earns you a Darwin Award. But does spending your whole life fearing and preparing for an illness you’ll likely never get, fall in the same category? Where does taking control of your life end, and where does enjoying it begin? When am I allowed to be happy? And should I even try to be happy, seeing as I’ll be all the more miserable when I lose the ability to do those things that make me feel such joy?

My brain hurts…

[RagsToRiches]

Alright...

You are fighting yourself... clearly. Don't worry, it's actually really common. I used to do it. It's sometimes captured well by the term "paranoia".

First of all I recommend you take up daily mindfulness meditation immediately. Ideally take an 8 week course in MBSR/MBCT to give you a really good kick-start in that direction. If not, then try going to a local buddahist centre for their meditation sessions.

Most of your issues are highly philosophical.

Do you know what philosophical dilemas are?

They are a luxury. If you were busy gathering grapes so that you and your family could live another day you wouldn't give a damn about this sort of thing.

So really all you need to do is to learn to be happy, love yourself, etc etc... all that stuff which sometimes can sound a bit new-agey.

You should start thinking about things like...

What would make me happy? Where do I want to be in 3 years time, idealy? What could make my life better? etc etc... some nice positive thoughts.

You can train your mind to stop habitually thinking negative thoughts. But do not try to "resist" the thoughts, that has a habit of creating all kinds of stress. Just accept them, and let go of them, and then think of .. "well what if everything over the next year goes really well for me, where will I be then?"

[Andrew Gubb]

In the way of a solution I can't think of any but the obvious: meditate a lot.

Have your goal in mind and you'll achieve it in time. That's goes for anything. Determination wins everything.

You've got a tough path but it should be worth it in the end. Your soul decided to take on these challenges, and that was for a reason. Hopefully you'll remember one day

Take responsibility for your problems and keep going even if it looks hopeless, it's at these times when an unexpected solution is just round the corner to bring you a little closer to your goal.

Reward yourself for baby steps. Any forward movement is GREAT. Think how many people are stuck in denial of their problems their whole life.

Good luck,

Andrew

[Ninja]

Originally Posted by RagsToRiches

Alright...

You are fighting yourself... clearly. Don't worry, it's actually really common. I used to do it. It's sometimes captured well by the term "paranoia".

First of all I recommend you take up daily mindfulness meditation immediately. Ideally take an 8 week course in MBSR/MBCT to give you a really good kick-start in that direction. If not, then try going to a local buddahist centre for their meditation sessions.

Most of your issues are highly philosophical.

Do you know what philosophical dilemas are?

They are a luxury. If you were busy gathering grapes so that you and your family could live another day you wouldn't give a damn about this sort of thing.

So really all you need to do is to learn to be happy, love yourself, etc etc... all that stuff which sometimes can sound a bit new-agey.

You should start thinking about things like...

What would make me happy? Where do I want to be in 3 years time, idealy? What could make my life better? etc etc... some nice positive thoughts.

You can train your mind to stop habitually thinking negative thoughts. But do not try to "resist" the thoughts, that has a habit of creating all kinds of stress. Just accept them, and let go of them, and then think of .. "well what if everything over the next year goes really well for me, where will I be then?"

You're right about a few things: going blind would probably be the last of my worries if I was one step away from dying from starvation. This also leads me to believe that, once I get over this fear, my brain will think of a new one. I feel like I can never be happy and carefree until I have prepared for the worst that could happen, but things can always get worse! This is obviously getting me nowhere fast.

The problem is that I know this somewhere, but I keep feeling that once I let go of my fears, they will sneak up behind me and take me by surprise. I become happy and have fun, time flies and suddenly I find myself getting a stroke or something that prevents me from doing the things I love, and I'm left blinking in confusion and uttering "wait... what just happened? can someone rewind the tape?". People say it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, but something inside of me doesn't seem so sure about that.

[RagsToRiches]

This is not about letting go of one fear and then being carefree forever. Life is not like that.

It is about being prepared to always let go.

As the old Zen saying goes:
The mastery is in the practice.

ED:

I have also thought of another anology which may help you to understand...

Richard Bandler notes that the ultra-sucessful are not people who are motivated by success - as in they use thoughts of success to over-come challenge once, twice, or again and again until they quote/unquote "have success."

The ultra-successful are the people who are motivated by the challenge.

In other words... you must accept the situation that your brain could forever present these fears to you, and then you will be free.

[garentee]

I can relate to what you are speaking of. I know what causes my brain to do its thing... I lost my mom when I was young and the current thing that drives me crazy is this thought that because my mom had a fatal disease so shall I. It does not matter the disease I just believe it. I know it is totally a belief that I had when I was young. I have learned an awful lot to stem that tide though it still seems to continue from time to time. One thing that I know is true is that just because she had said disease does not mean I will.. nor does it mean that I will die young as she did. you are on your own path and no one elses path is the same. Somewhere along the line it becomes time to heal the issues that cause us to believe this stuff. I want to stop feeling this way, because it is unhealthy.. I have conquered so many other faulty beliefs and I know that you can too. Concentrate on healing yourself. Realize that up to this point in all likelihood what if has not occured... sure it could but it has not and generally does not. I have a sign on my bedroom wall that reads: None of those pesky irrational beliefs has ever come true.. So THusly they are all illusions. I know how hard it can be to deal with what if thinking.. it is fairly universal. When you consider all the hype and fear that the media pumps into our lives its really not surprising.I can recommend the book feel the fear and do it anyways by Susan Jeffers.. it has helped me immeasurably. hope this helps. G

[Angela]

Speaking of Richard Bandler.... he asks a very salient question: "Who's driving the bus?"

The very first think I'd suggest is moving to a perspective towards a perspective of being at cause in the matter of your own thoughts. Take responsibility for the thinking you are thinking, and deliberately think thoughts that feel good when you think them.

It's pretty daunting to imagine going from sub-sub-doom thinking pattern straight to super-super-freedom pattern, but it's easy and not too much work to just start directing your thoughts towards ones that feel just a little bit better now. As 'Abraham' says, reach for a better-feeling thought.

You've noticed how incredibly rich and fertile your mind and imagination are, and you've been planting doom seeds and then nurturing them, watering them, watching over those doom plants, cherishing and protecting them, day and night. The good news is that doom plants are frail -- they just pooter out and wither away as you let go of tending them so carefully, and you choose to plant seeds of things that feel better -- what would that be for you? For me, it's joy, abundance, power, and freedom. Imagine planting the seeds of Inspiring Possibility in that fertile imagination of yours, and focus on those good-feeling plants growing in your mind like a beautiful, rich, colorful garden, producing all kinds of magically delicious fruit. What will you plant in that garden -- what kind of fruits would you like to enjoy?

For more on that, take a look at my blog post on telling a new story about money (it applies to every thought, not just thoughts about money) and read the Abraham/Hicks book, "Money and the Law of Attraction" (which also doesn't only apply to money -- it's about thinking thoughts that feel good.)

[windsorspirit]

Ninja, I recently manifested a book presenting an approach to dealing with the mindset similar to what you expressed in your post. It's called Stop Thinking, Start Living.

In it, Richard Carlson quotes Albert Einstein: "The solution to a problem will never come about from the same level of understanding that created the problem." Carlson suggests that if you are in a low mood and thinking about a problem, then trying to solve the problem from that state results in mental heaviness and more low feelings, as opposed to a feeling of lightness and positivity, which can be gained by allowing the mind to relax and the thoughts of the problem to pass. From there - a much calmer state - you can access 'wisdom,' which provides your problems with solutions.

Also, your attitude to wellness is paramount; you have to want to be in a happy state of wellness more than focusing on that you want to rid yourself of. Thinking about what you don't want will manifest more of that for you, so focus on what you do want -- focus on the positive thoughts that make you feel good, since feeling good is what matters most.

Meditation, inner wisdom, and conscious creation

The off-switch for the ego is the stilling of the mind.

Meditiation could be useful for you to help you calm your mind. I frequently calm my mind via meditation, and from the stillness, I allow my mind to relax, open, and access my inner wisdom, which presents me with solutions to problems, truth, and expands my knowledge and awareness. It leads me to feelings of wellbeing, for which I am grateful.

Find and enjoy the space between your thoughts and in that relaxed space of calm, listen to your inner wisdom, and nourish your mind with thoughts of what you want to experience in your reality. Then allow that which you want to manifest in your reality:

Your thoughts create your reality; you can choose your thoughts; you can choose your reality.

What we think about grows in our reality; What we think about the most, we experience the most. If we focus on having many problems then we will experience many problems. But if we focus on their solutions then solutions will manifest. On that note, I think I'll have some water

The work of Abraham-Hicks is a valuable resource for developing good-feeling thoughts. Their books and audio programmes are well worth checking out. Ask and It Is Given is a great book.

*******

Your thoughts create your feelings, and it makes sense to think thoughts that feel good, which also feels good, so...

Think happy thoughts

[ar81]

Brain will always think.
You can't stop it.

Instead of trying to shut it down, try to listen every sound around you with your eyes closed, then imagine sounds come from a veil around you as if it was a speaker, and beyond that veil there is silence. Listen to this silence.

It does not matter if brain keeps thinking, you will feel the silence.

I see you fight a lot with yourself.
You punish yourself to an extreme.
It looks to me that you need to forgive yourself a bit.
Only then you will feel peace and you may start to love the universe.

[Dhaval Raja]

Just sending you love energy

Laughing on your worries is the best solution. Next time you start thinking the same, just laugh at yourself. laugh out loud and big, or even see yourself in a mirror laughing. It might be very difficult to feel those thoughts back.

One more thing is dont be idle, and idle mind is a devils workshop with all those thoughts. Focus on a certain part of life and slow down when things feel to be difficult. Sun would be always rising

And if possible just look at your actions and thoughts. Get completely detach and feel them, observe them, judge them if you want. Your focus would shift and the worries are over before you even know it.

After that, use your imagination to write a wonderful novel, and dont forget to send us all a free copy of it.

[ar81]

The best medicine against anxiety is humor.
Rent some good comedies, have lots of laughter.
Then make some humor by yourself.

[buildabetterlife]

@ OP.

Stop sitting still. Get active. Your brain will turn down and your body will be on par and on call.

[Ninja]

Thank you everyone, you made me feel a lot better

I've been doing some 'soul searching' and reading my old journals (I've been keeping a journal since I was seven, really fun to read ) to get to the root of the problem. This is what I found:

- Strangely, there are almost no negative entries during spring and summer. The negativety almost always hits during the darkest months of the years and then goes away when they days become longer again. I've talked to my doctor about this and she says I might be suffering from something called "winter depression". Apparently, I don't do well without enough (strong!) light, and my country's climate (the Netherlands) isn't exactely helping. I need to get out more, get one of those 'wake-up light' alarmclocks and if that doesn't cut it, she'll sign me up for light therapy. She also reccomended I do yoga to loosen up, and luckily (thank you, law of attraction!) my school has decided to offer a yoga course for students in hopes that relaxed students = better grades. I've signed up immediately and it starts at the end of October

- I don't fear blindness (though it would probably suck), but losing my independence. I was diagnosed with asperger when I was young and I had to fight for everything. Fight to make friends, fight to keep them, fight to handle unexpected situations... especially the latter has been (and still is) hard. An example from when I was little: when my parents told me we would be having pancakes for dinner, and then at the last moment decided to chance that to tomato soup, my whole brain went on the fritz. I had to process the information, then somehow cope with the 'shock' of this unexpected event and the adjust to the change. And this was just dinner. If I go blind, everything will change. No wonder I've been so afraid!

I've fought to learn social skills and learn to cope with this fast, everychanging world. I've made huge strides, and I'm afraid that I'll lose all this progress I made if I go blind, have to learn everything all over again and thus be set back to square one.

I think I always feel a bit insecure about having asperger, because when someone says "you're always stronger than you think!", there's this little voice that whispers: "that might be true for normal people, but you're not one of them, so who says you'll pull through when push comes to shove?".

I asked my parents and they say they always had and still have full confidence that I'll make it in life. They also remind me that I'm doing a lot better than my peers and that, somehow, I've always come out on top in the past, even when things were at their darkest. I wish I could share their confidence in myself, because it (and I know this sounds weird) feels like I've been 'cheating' and some day, there will be a challenge I can't face and then I'll be 'uncovered' as not normal, and thus uncapable.

I'm certainly learning a lot about myself here, I hope it will make me grow

[ar81]

If there is any human that may be called "normal", I am not that kind of human.

[Tyto]

Hi Ninja,

I recognise that thought process very very well! It's something I used to do (and still do a little) and something I've seen in almost everyone around me.

It's called 'catastrophizing' in psychological terms - assuming the absolute worst that can happen will happen.

There are bunch of ways to reduce the amount of energy your brain puts into this, if you google the subject I'm sure you'll find them. For me the thing that worked the most effectively was answering each scary "What if..." with a genuine "... then I'll...". The panic started when I would just add more and more layers to the problem, the "then I'll..." produced a solution instead of more worry.

Basically I just kept saying "then I'll..." to each "what if..." as they appeared in my head.

You might also consider cognitive behavioural therapy ("what if they say I'm mental!!!") which had a tremendous impact on some of my unhelpful thought processes.

Good luck! Let me know how you get on answering your "what ifs..."

T