Why don't I fall in love?

[Luximinus]

Hi.

Im 19 years old, boy - and never had success with women. In addition to that, I´ve over the last years got the impression that I simply can´t fall in love (or get attracted to a special girl) I don´t think I´ve ever felt that special feeling that everyone talks about. Or, that was a little lie, but I think the only time I really was in love with a girl was when I were around 8 years old.

I have been trough the puberty of course, but I was very late. I dont remember exactly, but I think I didn´t get it before I was around 16 years. And atleast compared to the others, I remember I was late.

I feel it´s very weird I didn´t fall in love when I were in the puberty, since people talk about feelings going wild etc. I can´t say I experienced that.

With that said it took a while for me too understand that I wasn´t in love for real. Because when I was younger I tricked myself into beliving I was in love when I saw beautiful girls I wanted to be in love with (may sound weird?).

Then I moved to study this year, and ended up living with other students, one of them, a really pretty, friendly and talkative girl. She´s so nice to people and that´s the kind of girl I want to live with, but why doesnt I then fall in love with them? (Of course, soon after I met her, she seems to have found a boyfriend)

I´m not very brave when it comes to girls, I feel like I don´t have anything to talk with them about, and I don´t want them to get a bad impression of me either. Im often the one staring down when a beautiful girl is walking by, I do have a few friends that are girls though, but they´re just friends. I cant flirt, I´ve never kissed and of course never had sex, but I´m happy even if I just hug a girl.

Then I read about this PUA(?) tricks where you can get a girls phone number within a few minutes etc. and that just doesn´t feel like me, how am I supposed to be able to talk to a random girl and then get her phone number? It feels impossible and it doesnt feel right for me either.

I also feel limited to the fact that I dont get any romantic feelings for a girl. For example; I dont feel like "going after a girl" either, then I feel like I may be sending the signal that Im in love with her, and if it continue to stay that way, and she then would happend to fall in love with me, I dont want to disappoint her if Im not in love with her.

So what is this? Why doesnt I seem to fall in love, what is it that makes it so hard for me? Will I ever fall in love? Im starting to lose the hope. People do say to me that being in love with someone can be a nightmare. That may be true, but I feel it´s a nightmare that I dont fall in love with anyone...

[brendannz]

If you don't feel like going after girls, then why are you worried that you're not falling in love with them, if you don't actually want them in the first place?

[Annemarie]

We're all very different people. Not all of us feel the need to recite Shakespeare by the moonlight each time they like someone.

I know a person who got rejected when he was 6 by his childhood friend. After that, he never felt in love, all his life. He passed his middle years by now. So this stuff you're being troubled by, it might be something very very deep hidden, as in a past trauma related to this area or something related to your parents...the list could be very long, I can't take guesses because I don't know you.

The other variant could simply be that you are not the romantic type. Which is FINE. Honestly, there will come like 1000 answers after me to object what I'm going to say right now, but love, and most of all unconditional love, is seriously overrated and misunderstood.

So relax, there's nothing wrong with you. Just as long as you don't avoid all kinds of companionship on purpose, you don't have to fall head over hills for anyone. Your time will probably come, sooner or later.

[Luximinus]

Originally Posted by brendannz

If you don't feel like going after girls, then why are you worried that you're not falling in love with them, if you don't actually want them in the first place?

Well, I want women, but it just doesn´t happend. The reason I said "I dont feel like going after girls" is because I´m afraid that someone may fall in love with me, they misunderstands or something, and Im not able to love them back. I dont want to be in a relationship where I doesn´t love the girl, I feel that would be fake.

Originally Posted by Annemarie

We're all very different people. Not all of us feel the need to recite Shakespeare by the moonlight each time they like someone.

I know a person who got rejected when he was 6 by his childhood friend. After that, he never felt in love, all his life. He passed his middle years by now. So this stuff you're being troubled by, it might be something very very deep hidden, as in a past trauma related to this area or something related to your parents...the list could be very long, I can't take guesses because I don't know you.

The other variant could simply be that you are not the romantic type. Which is FINE. Honestly, there will come like 1000 answers after me to object what I'm going to say right now, but love, and most of all unconditional love, is seriously overrated and misunderstood.

So relax, there's nothing wrong with you. Just as long as you don't avoid all kinds of companionship on purpose, you don't have to fall head over hills for anyone. Your time will probably come, sooner or later.

My parents got separated when I was around 10 years old, and that was something I didn´t like at all, I cried - and I saw my mother cry, and I got very sad for a long time. I´m a very tender(? if that´s the correct word in english) person. So sad things, even sad endings in movies etc. are something that can make me get tears in my eye. I´ve never knew the details around why my mom and dad got divorced. And as I said, I fell in love when I were around 8 years old, but never got the courage to do something about it.

Hmm, I dont want to go all alone my whole life, never be able to truly love someone

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Luximinus

Well, I want women, but it just doesn´t happend. The reason I said "I dont feel like going after girls" is because I´m afraid that someone may fall in love with me, they misunderstands or something, and Im not able to love them back. I dont want to be in a relationship where I doesn´t love the girl, I feel that would be fake.

Sounds like you're just too sensitive to see women as targets and use manipulation..

Yeah well I dont know how to get into a loving relationship, myself.. seems it happens when least expecting it, and when you're living in a state of now-ness, not overanalysing things..

I think relationships are not an easy process, but like all other things, you learn mainly while mistakes and learning from those mistakes...

[st33med]

You are capable of love. You know that woman who likes to talk to people? Talk back. Do not see it as an exercise in romanticism, but rather gaining confidence around girls.

Most teens get more friendly as they grow up and do not pick on people.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Annemarie

We're all very different people. Not all of us feel the need to recite Shakespeare by the moonlight each time they like someone.

Do you think any guys feel like reciting Shakespeare by moonlight after they like someone? hahah, I can't imagine any of the dudes I know doing this..

[Annemarie]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Do you think any guys feel like reciting Shakespeare by moonlight after they like someone? hahah, I can't imagine any of the dudes I know doing this..

LOL. I was ironic. Honestly, dude...I though that was so obvious it didn't even deserve its own smiley or anything.

[Holistic Star]

For me, love comes after the relationship starts, not before.

Are you putting pressure on yourself to feel something before it naturally develops?

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Annemarie

LOL. I was ironic. Honestly, dude...I though that was so obvious it didn't even deserve its own smiley or anything.

hahaha, I was just wondering if there were any guys out there, that I wasn't aware of who want to recite shakespeare early on..

[Cochonette]

How is unconditional love overrated? That made no sense to me. Conditional love is overrated, and unconditional love is misunderstood.

I agree with this:

If you don't feel like going after girls, then why are you worried that you're not falling in love with them, if you don't actually want them in the first place?

Because I'm like that... I didn't really feel like going after girls, yet I complained I didn't have one. I thought having a girl could save my life. Well, actually it did, but only first in an indirect way and not really because I "had" her (only as a friend). It wasn't something I could've expected... in fact, it brought me straight to unconditional love, and we didn't actually have "a relationship." The romantic part wasn't mutual, but the unconditional love was. Anyway, after that person saved my life, I lost interest in "having" girls... instead, I just appreciated them at a distance, and that was enough. I just knew I had so much to work on and wasn't prepared for dating, thought I'd never be. Even now, when I'm semi-ready on an emotional level, I'm definitely not ready on some other level... I tried the dating thing, but when I met someone and it ended up failing in the short-term, I got very upset and was forced to face a lot of my vulnerabilities... now I'm at that point, and I have to go and deal with these aspects of me that have bared themselves in the plainest light of day.

[ar81]

You are in a period of social pressures. I used to feel inadequate when I was your age, because I did not have a "normal life". Later I understood that everyone can forge his own destiny.

Some were born to explore the world and travel a lot, some others feel fine in their house having a family life. Define what is your life plan and go for it. It is not something that someone else should mess with.

Later you will discover that you should not be forced to live like others.

[amj]

Originally Posted by Luximinus

Hi.

Im 19 years old, boy - and never had success with women.

I´m not very brave when it comes to girls, I feel like I don´t have anything to talk with them about, and I don´t want them to get a bad impression of me either. Im often the one staring down when a beautiful girl is walking by, I do have a few friends that are girls though, but they´re just friends. I cant flirt, I´ve never kissed and of course never had sex, but I´m happy even if I just hug a girl.

I have said this to others on this site but work on getting your physcial self in tact. Lift weights or workout for and hour a day, eat healthy, take care of your hygiene, etc. Once you feel good about yourself, better things will happen. Your state of mind will improve. Try that and let me know how it goes.

[brendannz]

I agree with this:

Because I'm like that... I didn't really feel like going after girls, yet I complained I didn't have one. I thought having a girl could save my life. Well, actually it did, but only first in an indirect way and not really because I "had" her (only as a friend). It wasn't something I could've expected... in fact, it brought me straight to unconditional love, and we didn't actually have "a relationship." The romantic part wasn't mutual, but the unconditional love was. Anyway, after that person saved my life, I lost interest in "having" girls... instead, I just appreciated them at a distance, and that was enough. I just knew I had so much to work on and wasn't prepared for dating, thought I'd never be. Even now, when I'm semi-ready on an emotional level, I'm definitely not ready on some other level... I tried the dating thing, but when I met someone and it ended up failing in the short-term, I got very upset and was forced to face a lot of my vulnerabilities... now I'm at that point, and I have to go and deal with these aspects of me that have bared themselves in the plainest light of day.

Yeah, when I said that "why are you worried if you don't actually want one" I wasn't intending to insult the original poster's intelligence, I was just saying that if he's not prepared to put any work into finding a girlfriend, then maybe he either;

1/ expects everything to be handed with him without putting in any effort himself, or
2/ doesn't actually want to be in a loving relationship yet, but thinks he should because society tells us how great love is..

I think his problem / challenge is he doesn't want to risk hurting or being hurt.. So I think he should just accept that he's got good intentions, but everybody makes mistakes on the path to their goals..

like amj says, he should work on himself, exercise is a great idea, but also other ways he could work on himself;

1/ practice appreciating all the good traits about himself. One of them is that he's someone who's considerate about others for one, and thinks things through, rather than being a wanker who only cares about himself...
2/ Try and do things that will make him feel good, eat good food, etc. Find ways to have fun everyday..

[Gene]

Originally Posted by brendannz

Do you think any guys feel like reciting Shakespeare by moonlight after they like someone? hahah, I can't imagine any of the dudes I know doing this..

I've recited snippets of Shakespeare at parties when I was not trying to attract a girl. I usually have some people who understand the reference and many who do not know the origin of the recitation.

I sometimes make new friends in the conversations explaining why I used the quote and where it originated. I don't know why it would not work in getting to know women better.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Gene

I've recited snippets of Shakespeare at parties when I was not trying to attract a girl. I usually have some people who understand the reference and many who do not know the origin of the recitation.

I sometimes make new friends in the conversations explaining why I used the quote and where it originated. I don't know why it would not work in getting to know women better.

I recited Alex from A Clockwork Orange at a party once, but all I got was a weird look

[minsera]

Hi there! I just wanted to say that you're not alone about this. I'm have the same problem, simply I don't fall in love, I haven't yet fallen, and don't think I'll fall soon...
Anyway I'm also 19, but I'm a girl, and I'm a little shy.
everytime I think about this I get really confused, 'couse I don't seem too get that feeling that I was supposed to feel years ago. And when I tell people that I befriend that I have never have been in a relationship or kissed anyone or never done "it", people may think I'm strang, but I'm used to be strange.

I guess we just aren't ready yet, at least I'm not, 'couse I'm just a big child, I can't let go of my fantasy, but I do feel the pressure of sosiety, and my friends tries to push me, by talking about how wonderful love is, and what's the best kiss and sutch, and I keep quiet the whole time feeling emberresed, and ignored...

Well, hope you'll fall in love sooner or later, just wait and see, and maybe you'll stumble over love someday. Just live your life, be happy, befriend new people and don't feel down becouse of your situation, that's all I can think of as an advice.^^

[Manomanman]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

For me, love comes after the relationship starts, not before.

Are you putting pressure on yourself to feel something before it naturally develops?

I second the motion.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Manomanman

I second the motion.

I've fallen in lust several times mistaking it for love. I've fallen in like many times mistaking it for love. I've fallen into friendship many times mistaking it for love. When I was able to let go of the neediness of needing someone else to love me instantly, I was able to love myself and attracted people who were lovable and became lovable myself. I had to love myself first.

[brendannz]

Originally Posted by Gene

I've recited snippets of Shakespeare at parties when I was not trying to attract a girl. I usually have some people who understand the reference and many who do not know the origin of the recitation.

I sometimes make new friends in the conversations explaining why I used the quote and where it originated. I don't know why it would not work in getting to know women better.

If it's congruent with your personality it would probably be a good idea.

[Boldnut]

Well obviously you have to form a connection with a girl first, not just fall in love with her out of nowhere.

What you could do is to stop masturbating for an extended period of time - 1 or 2 weeks let's say. This will boost your braveness and you will feel more inclined to talk with girls. Then promise yourself to ask something or talk to a specific number of girls everyday. This is how you can start and will gradually build confidence to meet the girl, connect with her and maybe even fall in love with her eventually.

[Sina172]

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

For me, love comes after the relationship starts, not before.

I couldn't disagree more. If you come from a FOUNDATION of Love FIRST, you'll NEVER have to second guess the relationship again.

I know because I'm living proof of this.

My girl and I mutually fell in love after a deep connection we had talking to each other...And that didn't take very long at all.....It was a mere couple of DAYS before we realized this amazing realization of love we had for each other....

Honestly, I feel like you have something deeper than what you said above that causes you to believe that....

I don't find it healthy and unless you have found your ideal man that you are madly in love with, I find that statement to be a recipe for disaster in a relationship....

It seems like you NEED a GUARANTEE in order for that love to exist...

Seriously, get out of your head and follow your heart....

It CANNOT be ANY simpler than that....

Sina

[Sina172]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

How is unconditional love overrated? That made no sense to me. Conditional love is overrated, and unconditional love is misunderstood.

I agree with this:

Because I'm like that... I didn't really feel like going after girls, yet I complained I didn't have one. I thought having a girl could save my life. Well, actually it did, but only first in an indirect way and not really because I "had" her (only as a friend). It wasn't something I could've expected... in fact, it brought me straight to unconditional love, and we didn't actually have "a relationship." The romantic part wasn't mutual, but the unconditional love was. Anyway, after that person saved my life, I lost interest in "having" girls... instead, I just appreciated them at a distance, and that was enough. I just knew I had so much to work on and wasn't prepared for dating, thought I'd never be. Even now, when I'm semi-ready on an emotional level, I'm definitely not ready on some other level... I tried the dating thing, but when I met someone and it ended up failing in the short-term, I got very upset and was forced to face a lot of my vulnerabilities... now I'm at that point, and I have to go and deal with these aspects of me that have bared themselves in the plainest light of day.

I am too like this....

And my girl and I are madly in love now.....

The amazing part? That love happened in a matter of DAYS.

And get this:

SHE approached ME! NOT the other way around!

I close my eyes when I'm with her and I feel like I've known her all my life!

It's amazing!

The sex is INCREDIBLE!!! We can't even get enough of each other!!! I mean WOW!



Sina