Advice Dealing With Friends Who Hate Each Other

[DivaLion]

I am hoping some of the very wise people here will share their perspectives on a situation I find myself in.

I have two friends-- let's call them Jane and Marie. They used to date each other and for a long time before that they were close friends. Jane, feeling unhappy about certain things in the relationship, broke up with Marie without really any warning. Marie, feeling ambushed and hurt, and having a tendency to be very cutting when she's upset, lashed out at Jane. Things have continued in this way and reached the point where neither of them can be in the room with each other, and my entire circle of friends including myself has started to feel the strain of trying to maintain friendships with both of them. The hate and anger between them is having a ripple effect outwards.

And if you talk to either of them, they are each completely convinced that they are in the right, that the other one behaved abusively, and anyone who might suggest that they themselves might have made mistakes too, is clearly trying to make them out to be "the bad guy". Part of the strain socially is that they've gotten so blinded by how awful they each think the other is, that they can't understand why anyone else would want to spend time with that person. Neither of them feels they have anything to apologize for, but they both believe they are owed an apology by the other, and don't want to forgive the other one without it.

(Also, I can't believe I'm 33 years old and I have a situation like this in my life. I feel like I should have left this behind about 16 years ago!)

Now, my own pickle comes from the fact that Jane, who is trying to work through this in therapy, contacted me to say that she and Marie started tentatively communicating, and had agreed to meet sometime in the near future to try to make some kind of peace with each other so that they could at least attend the same social functions without an incident. And they had agreed that they should have a mediator present, and were asking me to fill that role.

I was thrilled to hear that they were taking these steps, and agreed to do it so long as we were all clear on what my role would entail, and there were some established ground rules in place to keep hostilities at a minimum. I believed that they both wanted this and frankly thought it was a good idea for them to have a third party helping keep things in check.

But when I mentioned to my fiance that they were planning to talk, before I got another word out of my mouth, he rolled his eyes and said he knew, because Marie had been at our house recently and complaining to one of our housemates about how Jane's therapist thought they needed to sit down and talk and so now Marie had to get stuck having to spend time talking to Jane, and she was just being very snipe-ish and dismissive of the idea.

So now I'm not quite sure what to do. It doesn't sound like Marie is going to go into this with a genuine openness, and I'm concerned that Jane thinks she is and will be headed for a rude awakening. But I'm not sure if I should say anything to her, and if so, what I could say that wouldn't get blown out of proportion. Similarly, I'm not sure how (and whether) to approach Marie to find out if she really does feel that hostile about this meeting without her jumping to a negative conclusion. I'm not exaggerating to say that these two have been extraordinarily unreasonable at the very mention of each other for a long time now.

And leaving aside the question of whether this talk is going to do any good at all, I've begun to feel that perhaps I should withdraw my agreement to mediate. I was put off by Marie's attitude and that makes me think I would be a little too prejudiced. But again, I'm not sure how I'd explain that without re-starting the conflict, and I think I should talk directly to Marie before making a decision on that basis, but like I said, I don't know quite how to broach all that with her. And there IS a part of me that is just so sick of the whole thing that I want to withdraw just because I don't want to be anywhere near the situation anymore and that's not the kind of energy I want to surround myself with.

On the other hand, these are women who have been close friends of mine for years, who have come through for me many times, and who are smart, funny, gifted, and loving people for the most part. I wish I could make them see those qualities in each other. I wish I could make them see that neither of them is evil, that both of them are hurting, and it's all so unnecessary if they would just *try* to let go of some of this hostility. I don't want to abandon good people whom I love deeply, but I'm tired, and it seems impossible to get through to either of them where the other is concerned.

I've been ruminating on this, but I would love some other perspectives and advice...I feel like I'm too close to the situation to see what the right thing is to do anymore.

[Lychee]

Obviously Jane and Marie are more concerned with keeping their anger than actually seeking to reconcile.

Have you tried to mediate or bring the two together before? What came out of it?

Jane + Marie + You = Result

The variables in the equation have not changed. Jane and Marie still have the same thinking they had before. Do you really think there will be some sort of headway made just because it's occurring much later? On the contrary, I would think that because it has gone for this long that there some sort of disconnect. This disconnect cannot be repaired by you, it can only be repaired by themselves if they are sincerely willing to put this behind them. It is possible that you might put yourself in an uncomfortable situation with your friends. They might accuse you of taking sides or not understanding them.

Maybe you can try one last time to get them together again, but you know best if they will come with open hearts or not. If they do, it is entirely possible for this thing to be resolved. Regardless, as much as you try, it may not work because this is not your problem. You have tried as much as you can to try and repair the friendship. If they don't want to be friends with each other, that's their decision. Enjoy their company separately.

[Mitalp]

Diva,

I'd say go mediate and instead of having them try to come to a truce. Take control of the situation and make each of them see the beautiful qualities you mentioned about each of them. Don't let they're negativity rub off on you, instead focus on the spreading your positivity to them.

Let them know that you won't judge them on the actions they've taken against each other, because you see them for the loving and caring people they are. Bring up situations where they've been there for one and other.

A truce will just be an agreement that they will act civil towards one and other, but the negative energy will still be lingering and have an effect on everybody's mood. Get then to accept and forgive each other, by shifting their focus from the bad times to the good.

Hope that helps.

[pantera]

If I were you, I would stay out of it. Don't mediate. Let them meet each other without you.

If you take part, I would bet at some point one of them will accuse you of taking sides, whether it is true or not. And then you will be deeper into the mess. I would instead tell each of them that you are friends with both of them, and will remain so no matter what happens -- but you are staying out of it. Each will have to accept that you are friends with the other.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I was a feuding part of such a predicament. I dated a girl that had a mutual friend with me. And it ended UGLY (not my fault -- really ). I couldn't even stand the sound of the woman's name being uttered afterward, which made it really tough on our friend. It took me well over a year to "normalize" relations with the friend. And yes , I still hate the witch, six years later.

DON'T GET INVOLVED.

[da1prophet]

Originally Posted by pantera

If I were you, I would stay out of it. Don't mediate. Let them meet each other without you.

If you take part, I would bet at some point one of them will accuse you of taking sides, whether it is true or not. And then you will be deeper into the mess. I would instead tell each of them that you are friends with both of them, and will remain so no matter what happens -- but you are staying out of it. Each will have to accept that you are friends with the other.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I was a feuding part of such a predicament. I dated a girl that had a mutual friend with me. And it ended UGLY (not my fault -- really ). I couldn't even stand the sound of the woman's name being uttered afterward, which made it really tough on our friend. It took me well over a year to "normalize" relations with the friend. And yes , I still hate the witch, six years later.

DON'T GET INVOLVED.

I've got a couple of friends that have been embroiled in a feud for the past year or so. That's the way I handled it and its worked pretty well--I've made clear that I value both of them as friends, their issue doesn't involve me at all, and I plan to remain friends with both of them. I'll sometime make some logistical adjustments--eg: not inviting one when I know the other is coming to some function--but that's more for my sanity than theirs. Basically, if you're not involved its not your problem and there's no reason to let yourself get dragged in.

[Holistic Star]

My advice is not to mediate (do meditate though - that's great )

It's very flattering to be asked, and I'm sure that it is because you are a kind and thoughtful person, but unless you can be truely impartial AND are a trained and experienced mediator you could end up damaging your relationship with both of them as well as failing to resolve their issue.

If they want a mediator, then I suggest they pick an impartial professional (i.e not one of their therapists or a friend). If not then you will have to leave it up to them to sort it out. Like you said, they are grown-ups and if they want to sort it out they can. They don't need to drag all their friends into their drama.

Like the da1phrophet I had a similar situation with 2 friends not getting on (not as bad as your situation). In the past I would have rushed in a tried to fix it, but I have now learned my lesson. I did what the other poster said, told them both that I loved them and valued them, that I refused to take sides, and I refused to listen to them slag the other off. I didn't make any special arrangements for them. If I had a party I would invite both and leave it for them to sort themselves out.
Eventually, they had a heart-to-heart and although not the best of friends they have found a way forward together.


Incidently I found that getting dragged into someone elses theatricals in the past meant I was ignoring very important things of my own that I had to deal with. I'm curious to know what this argument between your friends is distracting you from in your own life?

[JHL]

To me, it sounds like they are passing responsibility that should be theirs, onto you.

There are a number of reasons why they may have requested a mediator, for example:

- They dont trust themselves enough to handle the conversation well.
- They dont trust the other person to handle the conversation well.
- They are fearful of having the conversation and would feel more secure with you there to manage potential conflict.
- They dont trust the other person and privately want a witness to be present who can later confirm just how unreasonable the other person is, and that they were right all along.

In all cases I feel it would be better for them - and you - that they take responsibility and conduct this conversation by themselves. It probably is an unpleasant prospect, but they will both grow from confronting it.

There is also the possibility that if you are there, then you are the one they will each naturally want to prove their case to, with the result that you may end up with more of a 'performance' from each other them, rather than a genuine and sincere engagement.

I would suggest telling them that you have every confidence in their ability to handle things maturely and sensitively, and that you feel it would be best if you were not present.

[elainevdw]

Whose idea was the mediation -- Jane's, or the therapist's?

If it was the therapist's idea, I bet the mediation session will be a flop.

If it was Jane's idea, it would seem to me that Jane is over her anger (if not her pain) and wants to reconnect. However, Marie obviously isn't over her anger and is not ready or willing to reconnect. In this case, I'd be honest with Jane -- tell her that Marie is still angry, and perhaps she should let her continue to cool off. Perhaps writing a kind and simple letter, saying, "I'm sorry for our past differences, and if you would ever like to get in touch and chat, grab coffee or go see a movie with our friend DivaLion, give me a call. Yours truly, Jane." That way, if/when Marie is ready to move on, she can.

However, in situations like this, she also has to accept the possibility that Marie will never let go of her anger.

Also, I don't think you should mediate. That can put your friendship with both parties at risk. A third party, such as Jane's therapist, or a friend of yours who doesn't know Jane or Marie, should be in that role. Just warn them that it's going to be ugly.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

I'm concerned that you are basing some of your thoughts on what your fiance said about Marie saying things to your housemates. It's gossip!!! Who knows what Marie thinks? You don't! The evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

It's quite possible that Marie has changed her thoughts since she talked to the housemates, or that she was putting on a brave front. People can change from day-to-day, so I'd not be listening to what anyone else has to say. I suggest you ask them both separately what they want to do, set ground rules and go ahead, if that's what they both want. Radiate love and care for them in your dealings. They've both been hurt, and I reckon any attempt to reconcile would be good.

Having said that, I reckon also that they are better off talking to each other alone. What they have to say is probably private and they should be saying it directly to each other, not through you.

My 2c worth!
Joy to you
Hazel