Emotionally I'm 50 years old n only 19 years old

[Emaaki]

ok this is very true n that's why I have been so depressed. It's alot because I have gone thru alot of emotional problems n tried to deal with them with no help. Emotionally I feel 100. Like I had major depression, but because I was so afraid of seeking help, I kept suppressing my emotions. It has made me feel like a machine rather than a human. I am soo unhappy. I desperately want to commit suicide. I really do. I feel like I have truly ruined my entire life because of choices I have made emotionally. I couldn't b more unhappy. I would honestly rather have cancer. N that's saying alot. I have treated myself like a robot for so long n in turn I have gotten used to treating myself like a robot. It hurt like hell but I got strong from it. But too emotionaly strong. It feels like I have put myself thru a lifetime of pain because I was so nasty to myself. I never let myself cry out for so long...

[CroMagna]

What are you gonna do about it?

[Emaaki]

I don't know. I have to live with all these changes I have made to myself for the rest of my life now. I have to deal with the fact that I am very emotionally experienced in alot of ways or at least feel it. I cannot enjoy alot of tho be because my mind is e tremely disciplined. I have matured so many disciplines in my mind. I have forced myself to grow up unintentionally too fast. I feel old n extremely unhappy.

[YourHumbleNarrator]

I've been there. Nearly put a metaphorical noose around my own neck more times than I can count. And by metaphorical I am implying that I was choking off my spirit, but I also mean that I was thinking of killing myself but I wouldn't have used a noose. Actually, I nearly pulled it off through gluttony. The things a 2 liter of Mountain Dew and some brownies will accomplish (when consumed three times daily)...

It's painful as all hell, but the first thing to do is to get your emotions to flow again. Yeah, that's obvious, but hey, gotta start with the basics. Now, the tricky part is that you're sitting on a volatile powder keg of emotion. If you break the dam it could be very difficult for you to get control of yourself. I know, because I did, and I didn't have anybody to help me at the time. I was prideful; set on suffering on my own. It's a miracle I made it out of that sane (debatable) and in one piece.

The good news is that all the strength you've built up will serve you whenever you attempt liberation. If it is at all possible, get help. You do not want to navigate these turbulent waters alone no matter how strong you are. For as much as I'd like to boast, even I wasn't alone. I didn't have an experienced teacher/lover/therapist/etc. to guide me through the process, but I did have people that let me vent and I studied the kind of material you'd find on this website. That was (far) better than nothing.

Now, for what you can do on your own, I highly, highly suggest meditation. If you can release your attachment to your suppressed emotions (even if it's only for as long as you meditate each day) it will be much easier to bear. Sit cross legged on the floor with your spine straight (but keep your body relaxed; let go of any physical tension) and just focus on your breathing for a good fifteen minutes or so. (The longer, the better.) No special breathing technique is required; you'll probably breathe deeper and slower simply by virtue of focusing on it. Don't get too concerned if it's impossible to control your thoughts at first. Just sitting in one spot for a half an hour (or however long you do it) in the above position will hone your focus and improve your mental discipline.

Remember that detachment is not suppression. Suffering is pain+fear. It is the expectation of something terrible and the fear of the loss that will accompany it. Suppression means that you are actively trying to distract yourself from it, push it away, or just outright forget about it. Detachment means that you see it, acknowledge its existence, accept it for what it is, and observe. That's all you do. You observe. You can move your attention back to your breathing or let it fixate there as a natural consequence of consciously breathing in and out, but you do not fight or judge any thought that comes into your mind. If you do judge it, you acknowledge the judgement and treat it like any other thought. In time you'll wear down the demons that are tormenting you. This should render your inner landscape less volatile, at which point you can move on to something like this: The Foci Exercise For Emotional Control: Apprentice

Do not, I repeat, do not move on to more complicated forms of meditation until you are proficient at what you're currently doing. Always space any significant changes in your practice by at least one month, longer if you don't feel ready to proceed. The biggest mistake somebody can make when dealing with something like this is to rush toward a "cure" out of desperation. There are no quick fixes. The more you rush, the more you delay progress. Slow things down and you'll move through your problems much more rapidly.

That's all I can say without knowing more about your particular experience. Buck up, you're not alone, there is a way out. You need an ear, go ahead and PM me.

[ttt]

It would be stupid if you committed suicide, because you lose any chance to succeed in anything by killing yourself. You have so many more years to live, if you commit to something, you actually have a high chance to make it happen, and what do you have to lose? For example heal all your emotional problems. I think this would be great if you achieve it

[YourHumbleNarrator]

Originally Posted by Emaaki

I don't know. I have to live with all these changes I have made to myself for the rest of my life now. I have to deal with the fact that I am very emotionally experienced in alot of ways or at least feel it. I cannot enjoy alot of tho be because my mind is e tremely disciplined. I have matured so many disciplines in my mind. I have forced myself to grow up unintentionally too fast. I feel old n extremely unhappy.

Hmm, did I misunderstand your original post? I dunno; if my last post seems irrelevant, disregard it. Take what's helpful, leave the rest-you know the drill.

Stop being a victim. Nothing you've done is irreversible. It's impossible to kill your emotions off for good. If it were, you wouldn't even know regret. They're still there and it's bugging you. You're not feeling old (but I know why you describe it that way) you're feeling drained by all the inner resources you can't consciously utilize which are unconsciously turned against you.

First thing's first: take responsibility. You made this mess, you can unmake it. Second, no matter how emotionally experienced you may feel, there's plenty left for you. You're 19. Your life isn't over. Your current feelings don't reflect reality. Third, try to look beyond this. Form an image of your ideal self and place it somewhere in the future. What would that look like? Demonstrate to yourself that you can indeed have a full life. If you persist, that should invigorate you.

[BloomVerse]

Everything you are talking about is in the past. It has absolutely nothing to do with this moment right now.

You can infinitely tell stories about what was. But what is that accomplishing? Are you wanting to somehow change what was? Let go of wanting to do that.

There is NEVER any problem in this moment. In order to find problems, you have to go into memory and dig up the past. Let it go. Stop living in memory. Stop holding on to emotions that you don't want. There is freedom at your core. Uncover it by letting go.

[Emaaki]

I don't think u know that I am the artsy type, n spending four years suppressing my personality AS WELL as my emotions has truly killed all my life long dreams. I am truly unhappy. N know that I will never live the life I truly desire, because alot of my dreams were founded on the fact that I was a very emotional person, n now I feel like I am livin in a very dull world because I have learnt to control my mind too much. Nothing is ever childlike anymore. It's like I have already experienced a lifetime n am now ready to die.

[YourHumbleNarrator]

Originally Posted by Emaaki

N know that I will never live the life I truly desire...

Nonsense. The only thing that's stopping you is you.

[BloomVerse]

Originally Posted by Emaaki

I don't think u know that I am the artsy type, n spending four years suppressing my personality AS WELL as my emotions has truly killed all my life long dreams.

The past.

I am truly unhappy.

You're unhappy because you're holding on to the past. That stirs up feelings you don't like. It has nothing to do with this moment, in which there are no problems.

N know that I will never live the life I truly desire, because alot of my dreams were founded on the fact that I was a very emotional person, n now I feel like I am livin in a very dull world because I have learnt to control my mind too much.

But that's just a decision you keep making every moment. Again based on the past. Take a look at the limitation you've created for yourself, give yourself some approval for successfully creating such a great drama, and then let it go. Decide to do something else now.

Nothing is ever childlike anymore. It's like I have already experienced a lifetime n am now ready to die.

These are just feelings. Nothing more. They are based on the past....once again. Feelings can be let go of in a matter of minutes, but you'll need to stop believing that they are so meaningful and important. Just drop it and move on. Leave the past in the past.

I once helped a person let go of a deep-rooted feeling that he had held on to for over 40 years. That's a feeling he held on to for more than twice your lifetime. Took about 20 minutes.

They're just feelings, let them go.

[Emaaki]

I don't want to live this new life that I have created for myself. U know may say "well create another one" but in many ways I can't have the life I truly desire cos I can't remove all the work I have done on my mind. Instead of crying out 4 help, I have disciplined myself into not showing any emotion, never getting upset, feeling like there r no so called "waves" in my mind. EVERYTHING is controlled. Reasons being cos as I got deeper into depression I didn't want to show ANY aggressive feelings. I was extremely stubborn about being positive all the time.

But really, emotionally I have aged too much, n also have become too serious. It's like I am so controlled that I can't lose myself in the moment, I need to analyse everything. But I've been doing it so long that it is now stuck.

[Emaaki]

Well it feels like I am full grown, n who would want this especially at 19. I truly hate with the passion where Im at. I can't take it back. I don't even want to go on anymore. I want to b young again. The only thing that is young is my body. It's f ing horrible.

[BloomVerse]

Originally Posted by Emaaki

I don't want to live this new life that I have created for myself.

Then don't. It's just a decision.

U know may say "well create another one" but in many ways I can't have the life I truly desire cos I can't remove all the work I have done on my mind. Instead of crying out 4 help, I have disciplined myself into not showing any emotion, never getting upset, feeling like there r no so called "waves" in my mind.

You're talking about what was again. That has nothing to do with what is. You talk about the "work" you have done on your mind and how it can't be undone. Sorry, I don't buy it. You are just deciding to be a victim of your emotions. It's just a decision. It doesn't matter what you did before. That's done and in the past. In this moment you have full liberty and ability to make a different decision. You're just choosing to do the same thing.

EVERYTHING is controlled.

You call it control, but it's the opposite. All you're doing is suppressing, and as a result you have absolutely no control. Your emotions are controlling you. That's a decision you made. So just decide to stop in this moment, welcome your feelings, and let them go.

Reasons being cos as I got deeper into depression I didn't want to show ANY aggressive feelings. I was extremely stubborn about being positive all the time.

The past again.

But really, emotionally I have aged too much, n also have become too serious. It's like I am so controlled that I can't lose myself in the moment, I need to analyse everything. But I've been doing it so long that it is now stuck.

So are you going to DECIDE to stay living in that feeling? Or will you DECIDE to let it go? It's just a decision.

[Lamusa]

Originally Posted by Emaaki

ok this is very true n that's why I have been so depressed. It's alot because I have gone thru alot of emotional problems n tried to deal with them with no help. Emotionally I feel 100. Like I had major depression, but because I was so afraid of seeking help, I kept suppressing my emotions. It has made me feel like a machine rather than a human. I am soo unhappy. I desperately want to commit suicide. I really do. I feel like I have truly ruined my entire life because of choices I have made emotionally. I couldn't b more unhappy. I would honestly rather have cancer. N that's saying alot. I have treated myself like a robot for so long n in turn I have gotten used to treating myself like a robot. It hurt like hell but I got strong from it. But too emotionaly strong. It feels like I have put myself thru a lifetime of pain because I was so nasty to myself. I never let myself cry out for so long...

Feeling like a 50 year old at 19 years of age, may not be so bad. I know plenty of 50 year olds and over who are happy with their lives. Some have gone through horrible traumas and continue to recover and integrate what they've learned into their lives. Others had it more easy. It's life in all of its manifestations. Feeling depressed and hopeless at any age really sucks. Though emotional blocks can be difficult to blast through, it's doable, and better for someone to realize that they are emotionally blocked at 19 than to suddenly realize at 50! Life can get better.

[Emaaki]

Well, not all 50 year olds would feel 50 n at least that haven't felt that way all their lives

[ComplicatedSimplicity]

Hi Emaaki,

You sound really unhappy But I think its just a phase. Try not to let it get on top off you. And yeah sounds easier than it is, but try going for a long walk. You may be depressed and feel like a 50 year old. But your body isnt. so do a bit off exercise and clear your head. I can honestley say that you wont feel like it forever Hopefully youll look back and be able to laugh.

Rob,

[ar81]

Originally Posted by Emaaki

ok this is very true n that's why I have been so depressed. It's alot because I have gone thru alot of emotional problems n tried to deal with them with no help. Emotionally I feel 100. Like I had major depression, but because I was so afraid of seeking help, I kept suppressing my emotions. It has made me feel like a machine rather than a human. I am soo unhappy. I desperately want to commit suicide. I really do. I feel like I have truly ruined my entire life because of choices I have made emotionally. I couldn't b more unhappy. I would honestly rather have cancer. N that's saying alot. I have treated myself like a robot for so long n in turn I have gotten used to treating myself like a robot. It hurt like hell but I got strong from it. But too emotionaly strong. It feels like I have put myself thru a lifetime of pain because I was so nasty to myself. I never let myself cry out for so long...

I used to suppress emotions when I was like you. It was a defense mechanism to survive certain situations. People who see me enjoying life today, do not suspect what I have had to survive.

The good news is that I survived, so you can survive too.

The good news is that today I feel happier and younger than when I was your age. And now that I see it, I understand that problems were tough, but not as big as I thought. Subjective perception of mind magnifies the size of a problem.

You probably have had lots of fears. But fear not.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

From Frank Herbert's book, "Dune".

[seeker5]

The rules of the forum states:

Do not whine (i.e. no pity parties) - It's okay to share your problems and challenges and request advice and help from others here. It is NOT okay to incessantly whine, complain, unload negativity, or seek commiseration. Members who exhibit a pattern of negative "poor me" posts with minimal receptiveness to change will be banned. These forums are for people who assume full responsibility for their lives, not for those who are looking to be objects of pity or to assign blame.

After 6 posts on here by the OP, this is going nowhere, and this seems to be by all indication a pity party. Therefore, I've closed this thread.

Emaaki, I'm sending you a private message.