Another self awareness thread >.>

[BlackWigger]

I'm facing many problems (important or not), but I think self-awareness is the biggest one.

I've been telling myself for a while that the ego isn't important and that because of this, self-awareness is just a burden. However... things have only gone for the worse. I seem to be scared of showing myself to others more than ever. I KNOW I shouldn't care, but it is impossible to avoid some unwanted behaviour patterns.

What do we have to do to regain the childish carefree behaviour ? I THINK I remember my pre school years as rather worry-free in the aspect of friends. The memories are vague, but I probably had alot less problems socializing and gaining friends back then (even though my mom didn't take me out as much as other moms took their kids out).

I don't know what to do anymore. Lately I've just tried forgetting completely about it by playing video games most of the time and not going out. I don't feel depressed during these times (maybe slightly), cause I really enjoy this one game. But now, every time I have to go out, it becomes harder. Especially because I'm pasty white during the summer :P

I wish it was as easy as saying 'that doesn't matter at all'...
I decided to ask for help even though I feel like it won't help at all, like with the last 3 threads I made. Mainly because I'm facing another encounter with that girl and ALOT of people are coming over for one day due to some event... and the anxiety is burdensome.

It would be nice if I didn't have to perform for people every time I talked with em. For now I'll have to drink some rum to ease the pain, cause there are no other solutions I can think of.

[Holistic Star]

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

I decided to ask for help even though I feel like it won't help at all, like with the last 3 threads I made.

You're right, it won't help at all. Until you made that decision to reach deep down and DO something different. To face up to situations with courage instead of hiding behind video games and alcohol.

Originally Posted by BlackWigger

It would be nice if I didn't have to perform for people every time I talked with em.

You don't have to - why not try being honest with them instead.

[spirit4711]

@BlackWigger, what will it take for you to get moving in the direction you want to go?

You didn't seem to get much from the last 3 threads you opened. Will this be #4 or will this be different? What will you do different?

[kwicherbichen]

Yeah, are you just hoping for different people to answer?

I can say that I had just as much trouble making friends when I was in pre-school as I do now. In pre-school, I didn't care because I was ALLOWED to pursue my interests. If I wanted to play with the fuzzy boa and dress up, no one was going to stop me or tell me I'm weird for not playing house with the other girls.

Now, we are kind of forced to be social with others. And I do feel that I put on a show for people. I'm not in the mood to smile and say hello to you, but I do. And I do that because I know that is how I would want to be treated. If I were someone else, I would appreciate that smile and hello. And so that is how I treat people and I remind myself of this everytime I feel socially drained.

Every now and then, I meet someone who I really want to get to know. Or the rare occasion of someone wanting to get to know ME. That's when I must drop the act and search that person. If that makes sense.