"Lion in the Path"...a pipe dream?

[CroMagna]

A lot thoughts have been swirling through my head all day while at work. I had to do other things for the job, but now things are winding down, so it's a welcome relief to be able to get these thoughts and feelings out of my system and onto paper.

I don't know if it's because I didn't take my medicine last night, really I don't think one day should make a difference, especially with my healthy habits. It may also be lack of sleep. But there seems to be a socio-psychological reason for this emotional infiltration today, as if the meds just masked it and as if they're coming back to the surface in the form of an unresolved issue.

Everything is my life is great. I love my job, I have a great family, I have many friends, new ones are like silver, old ones are like gold, and I'm always socializing. For example, this weekend, I'm going camping with the nudist community and to a nude pool party with my bisexual women friends (sorry if you're offended). I'm also going to see a fashion show being held by Korto Momulu, second runner up of last season's Project Runway. This is an example of my usual weekends and evenings. I don't have much money, but apparently I don't need much money to live a rich life. I'm also gradually getting out of debt and plan to be debt free in 4 years. Knowing all of these, why do I have this lingering obsession?

It's like a missing puzzle piece. It's hard to look at the big picture with that piece staring you in the face. I often tell myself it feels like there's a hole in my brain. I'm missing the thing that I've come to admire in others and there seems to be no way to acquire this.

I'm the type of person who sees a flaw in myself, immediately starts researching ways to remove it, implements the strategy, and the problem is solved. But with this there's no solution, so the problem lingers.

The problem is that to me it seems that I have no backbone. My personality is extremely passive. When people get to know me they're surprised at how passive I really am. Even now as I sit, this passive demeanor of mine makes me feel not nude but NAKED, overexposed, and vulnerable like a deer in the woods. When I'm exposed to conflict, I wilt and I normally avoid it to the point of paranoia. When I lose, I feel pinned and raped. When I assert I feel like I'm negotiating with a rapist. Nothing has happened recently but this is something I constantly fear.

This personality and behavior is totally contradictory to the religion of Anton LaVey. I was inspired by the "eye for eye, tooth for tooth" model that he established. "Be a lion in the path and don't be trampelled under." It seems not only admirable, but necessary. Conflict seems inevitable and like something lurking around the corner. Will I be ready?

[Gene]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

It's like a missing puzzle piece. It's hard to look at the big picture with that piece staring you in the face. I often tell myself it feels like there's a hole in my brain. I'm missing the thing that I've come to admire in others and there seems to be no way to acquire this.

The problem is that to me it seems that I have no backbone. My personality is extremely passive. When people get to know me they're surprised at how passive I really am. Even now as I sit, this passive demeanor of mine makes me feel not nude but NAKED, overexposed, and vulnerable like a deer in the woods. When I'm exposed to conflict, I wilt and I normally avoid it to the point of paranoia. When I lose, I feel pinned and raped. When I assert I feel like I'm negotiating with a rapist. Nothing has happened recently but this is something I constantly fear.

This personality and behavior is totally contradictory to the religion of Anton LaVey. I was inspired by the "eye for eye, tooth for tooth" model that he established. "Be a lion in the path and don't be trampelled under." It seems not only admirable, but necessary. Conflict seems inevitable and like something lurking around the corner. Will I be ready?

IS your real personality that you described in your post who you are at your spiritual core? It would seem to me that choosing the religion you mention might suggest otherwise. Do you truly wish to be the person who lives the whole world through the lens of, "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" or is the your true self somewhere in the center of two opposite poles?

In my own personal experience I was uncertain and feared many things. I compensated for this by appearing to many to be capable of extreme violence. I was very effective at assuming this role and it did protect me from many real and perceived external threats. The role also reassured my fearful inner self somewhat that the world was a survivable if not safe place. The role I played was uncomfortable and caused me pain internally and isolation externally by those who might have been friends.

In truth conflict scared me as did the possibility of conflict. I later discovered I was neither the helpless victim of the world or the bringer of violence.

I discovered I am kind and gentle, that I like and love people, that being helpful gives me a great sense of pleasure and indeed think my life purpose is love.

I could not understand this while living passively and fearful or while acting as though it would be of no consequence to me to terminate the existence of another.

I cannot be certain but my own experience and the experience I have of observing others over the years suggest to me that the real you is somewhere between the extremes you mention in your original post. I have seen posts from you on this board that suggest to me you are a loving caring person.

If you look deep inside in a place of quietness and safety, who are you at your core?

[The Cloud]

You might have a deep, emotional belief that aggressiveness is "wrong." Intellectually you know that you are dysfunctional, but emotionally perhaps you believe that this dysfuntionality is the correct way to live. That's what it sounds like to me, anyways.

And of course, you can't just do the opposite of your passiveness, because pointless aggression is dysfunctional as well. Your emotions say that you must fight or flee (generally flee), but either behavior is done as a reaction to fear. To defeat this, you must instead do neither, making yourself completely vulnerable to that which you fear. It is not submission, nor aggression, but instead an open admission that you cannot truly be harmed, that you are in fact invulnerable.

You may have to do something that feels "wrong," but which you know is not. I used to have a fear of taking advantage of people. I would never ask for help, and be very hesitant about receiving help, unless I had made appropriate repayment for what I was receiving. In my mind, it was "wrong" to use people in this fashion, even if they wanted to be used. But since I discovered this dysfunction, I have "used" many people that care about me to get things that I need, and they have given their aid cheerfully. I was actually harming them more by my refusal to allow them to help me. Now everybody is happier because I have made myself vulnerable to receiving help.

Maybe you're afraid to respond to conflict because you are afraid to back a faulty position. If so, back that position the next time such a situation comes up, with no fear of being wrong or unconvincing. Don't be defensive or aggressive, just say what you think needs to be said. That doesn't mean that you're right, but isn't it better to never be afraid than it is to never be wrong? But you must be open and vulnerable when you do this, or it will just be the same old fight or flight response. There is no method of being open; you either are or you aren't. Openness will be the thing that you are afraid to be, because it is "wrong." You will know when you have been open; if you aren't sure, then you aren't open.

[CroMagna]

Extremely insightful guys, thanks. I don't know how you know so much about me.