not myself anymore. I feel numb.

[Zoomorphic]

Hi i m 23 years old. I m having difficulty lately. I wake up and have panic attacks. I feel numb. Its strange to say,, ever since i joined personal development website, i snapped out and enter reality and into a whole new world of reality. Sad to say eversince I became strange. I m so aware that my reality is all being created by myself. I feel taht everything around me seems fake and that i dont know how to interact to people anymore coz it seems that i m playing a video game of myself walking around interacting.
I m becoming very very numb lately. feel that its pointless to do things. I m also become so self conscious that i cant seem to move n talk natural. i feel like a robot. its sooo hard to describe these things.

My life is a total mess now. My room is a mess, I dont feel like doing anything. In work I feel like a robot coz everyday repeats itself. I dont know how to talk to people anymore and be myself. Apart of me i feel like i m 15 years old n talk to adults that way. I dont know what to do. Everything is changing around me except Me I havent change one bit.
I M FRIGHTENED! BECAUSE I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I DID 3 WEEKS AGO OR EVEN A WEEK AGO. ITS THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER. Do i have bad memory? is my memory goin?

OH dear, i m going nuts really I m! now i really wish ive never been AWAKEN.

[CroMagna]

This sounds serious. I think you should check in to a local crisis center immediately and let them put you on some mood stabilizer.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Zoomorphic

I M FRIGHTENED! BECAUSE I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I DID 3 WEEKS AGO OR EVEN A WEEK AGO. ITS THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER. Do i have bad memory? is my memory goin?

OH dear, i m going nuts really I m! now i really wish ive never been AWAKEN.

This is a sign of depression, so no, you are not loosing your memory. I would go and see a doctor asap. You'll need some help getting through this.

Maybe some meds are the right thing right now. They will give you some sense of calm, stop the panic attacks so in the mean time you can get your life in order.

Don't just do meds without someone professional (either in personal development or a psyciatrist or something) to help you SOLVE your issues.

For now, I would also suggest lay off the self-help books and websites. First live, then live better. It kinda sounds like you were trying to run when you cannot crawl yet. Try baby steps first. Live, Love, Experience, only after see where you can make a change. First step is to crawl, to just enjoy your life.

[pushbutton]

I have experienced some of the same things you described lately, but not all of them and perhaps not to the same extent.

I'm not a psychiatrist and I only have limited information about you so I cannot say if you are suffering depression, or maybe something even more serious, or whether it's something else entirely. If you're in doubt I would suggest you do at least see a doctor about it.

However in my own case I really believe that the main reason I have been experiencing these things is simply stress (mostly from my current working conditions, but also partly to do with my family problems).

I have been depressed in the past (which was because of my family problems) so I believe I do know from first-hand experience what depression feels like. That's how I personally know that right now I am NOT depressed, or if I am then it's very mild depression at worst. However what I definitely am (yes I've done a fair bit of self diagnoses I guess you could say) is extremely stressed!

In case it's of any help to you I'll try to describe the symptoms of my past depression and then the symptoms I've been experiencing recently.

When I was depressed I experienced:

• Not wanting to get out of bed each morning (not just because I didn't want to go to work but because I really wanted to just stay in bed all day, even though I wasn't necessarily very tired)
• Not wanting to socialise or even be with other people at all
• Feeling that I was a worthless human being with no value to the world
• Feeling that things were never going to get any better for me
• Feeling suicidal
• Feeling that NOBODY cared if I lived or died
• Feeling that NOBODY understood me at all
• Feeling that the people I loved didn't love me
• Not really enjoying anything in life, including those things I otherwise normally did enjoy.
• Every sensation (joy, pain, humour) felt dulled and numbed

I understand there's basically at least two major types of depression though. Clinical depression (basically a chemical imbalance in the brain) and depression caused by major external problems and ones inability to cope with them effectively.

Again I'm not an expert on this so see a doctor if you're in the slightest bit unsure but basically I'd say that usually clinical depression can often be effectively treated / cured by drugs, but depression caused by external issues usually cannot (although maybe some drugs will help to temporarily reduce some of the symptoms) but it really needs to be treated more through a combination of counselling (possibly) and more importantly by using various techniques (with professional help preferably) to either solve the problems that are the underlying cause of the depression, or if that is not possible then to build up ones ability to cope better with those problems.

As for the symptoms I have been experiencing more recently (to be honest I think I have been experiencing SOME of these all my life, but in the last year or so they've got noticeably worse and I'm now experiencing all the things in the list below). They include:

• Not being able to find the right words to express myself at work or socially
• Having a lot of genuine difficulty in understanding most other peoples point of view / attitudes about things. Not that I don't want to, but I just don't understand their points of view because I can't make sense of it.
• Feeling like people don't understand my way of thinking and that I am viewing the world differently to most people around me
• Experiencing major panic attacks whenever I am faced with a decision that I think may have a major impact on my medium to long-term future. These have sometimes been so bad they made me physically sick
• Generally having some degree of difficulty in making almost ANY decision, even if it's not all that important (which in the past I have found very easy to do).
• Not understanding why most people seem to be interested in, or to enjoy certain things that I find completely uninteresting (such as football for example)
• A little bit of short-term memory difficulty sometimes at work (only at work), but not enough to make me think I am loosing my memory in a serious way
• Just 'instinctively' knowing that I am under far too much stress and that this cannot continue much longer or else it will likely cause more serious medical / psychological problems.
• Wanting to completely 'get away from it all' and totally change everything in my life, but at the same time being too scared to do so (scared of the unknown)

I hope that by picking through both these lists and matching up some of your symptoms to some of mine maybe it might just help you a bit to work out what might be going on in your own life. Again though please see a doctor if you're not sure.

Personally right now, I am sure. I just KNOW instinctively that stress is my problem. For quite a long time I have not known what to do for the best to resolve this, and I still have a lot of uncertainty about what the future may hold, but I have taken one big step to reduce stress and that is that I have just this week finally made the big decision to quit my job. I am very fortunate to have enough money to live off for a while so I have decided to take about 6 months off from working, and then hopefully look for a much less stressful job.

Whilst this won't resolve my family issues, and it probably won't help with some of the communication and social issues I described above, it will certainly reduce stress and make me feel a whole lot more relaxed, calm, in control and HAPPY! In fact, even though I am still working (during my resignation notice period) I already feel 70% better!

If you're wondering how I overcame the depression that I had some years ago, well I did try some anti-depressant drugs (they were of zero help) and I tried talking to a few psychologists and counsellors, who tried their very best but were also of zero help.

In the end I came very close to suicide (actually did attempt once) but ended up dragging myself out of it by making a very radical decision which actually was to move to another country and thereby literally move away from the source of my problems.

That didn't solve the problems (and they're still not solved and maybe never will be), but it did give me some much-needed time out away from them and some good experiences to help me take my mind off the problems. In time that cured my depression.

Well again I'm no expert, every person is unique and every problem of this type is too, but I just hope that maybe some of this information is of some use to you perhaps in your efforts to deal with your own problems.

[pushbutton]

By the way, a few months or so ago I read something online about something called Aspergers syndrome, which is a mild type of autism but not autism in the sense we normally hear about.

A friend of mine had previously told me he had this Aspergers syndrome, so I thought I'd try to learn a bit more about it.
This article explains the symptoms of Aspergers quite well.

After reading that article and then watching a few videos about it (by just searching for "Aspergers Syndrome" on youtube I have sort of self-diagnosed myself as probably having some mild form of this, which to be quite honest was a big relief because I have always had many of the classic signs of Aspergers but never knew why and never knew that it was something lots of people have.

Given some of the symptoms you decribed, you might find it interesting to learn a bit about Aspergers if you don't already know about it, because I think that could be another possible cause of the things you are experiencing.

[DoubleMe]

Had this waking up early in the morning with a panic attack some years ago, too. It really sounds like depressive symptoms. You are still able to go to work, so it's not a heavy depression yet.
I am 100% agreeing with ssandra's suggestions - seek medical help! And take it easy with the PD stuff until you have regained your strength.

[pushbutton]

This video is a particularly good first introduction to Aspergers syndrome. It simply gives you 10 questions to think about and answer yes or no, to help you determine whether you MIGHT have Aspergers.

I answered "Yes" to 9 out of the 10 questions, which tends to reaffirm my belief that I do have this, although I have never officially been diagnosed by a doctor as having it. To me my own diagnoses is just as good because I don't feel like I need any treatment most of the time (and I don't think there is a whole lot of treatment for it anyhow) but it's just good to help me understand what is causing the strange things I often experience, and to know I am not alone.

[Inspirations]

Originally Posted by Zoomorphic

Hi i m 23 years old. I m having difficulty lately. I wake up and have panic attacks. I feel numb. Its strange to say,, ever since i joined personal development website, i snapped out and enter reality and into a whole new world of reality. Sad to say eversince I became strange. I m so aware that my reality is all being created by myself. I feel taht everything around me seems fake and that i dont know how to interact to people anymore coz it seems that i m playing a video game of myself walking around interacting.
I m becoming very very numb lately. feel that its pointless to do things. I m also become so self conscious that i cant seem to move n talk natural. i feel like a robot. its sooo hard to describe these things.

My life is a total mess now. My room is a mess, I dont feel like doing anything. In work I feel like a robot coz everyday repeats itself. I dont know how to talk to people anymore and be myself. Apart of me i feel like i m 15 years old n talk to adults that way. I dont know what to do. Everything is changing around me except Me I havent change one bit.
I M FRIGHTENED! BECAUSE I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I DID 3 WEEKS AGO OR EVEN A WEEK AGO. ITS THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER. Do i have bad memory? is my memory goin?

OH dear, i m going nuts really I m! now i really wish ive never been AWAKEN.

Hi Zoomorphic,

What you are describing sounds very much like a kind of 'mind shock' that happens when too much information that you are not ready to absorb is taken on.

It's hard to describe...sorry..

This might help. If I had a detailed conversation with you right now and started talking about complex concepts like 'other you's' or 'other lives' in real terms....your mind would probably start spinning, and you would need to stop the discussion...

You say that you are "so aware that my reality is all being created by myself" but how and why? Is this because what you read said so and seemed to make logical sense? Or have you experienced the basic steps of creating your own reality, therefore understand it fully, and can work with it?

Relating this "I create my own reality" to "mind shock", if you read about it, and decided that yes it makes sense so you wish to believe it, but have no understanding or personal experiential knowledge of 'reality', then it makes sense that you could become zoned out by it.

None of the old you and the old life makes sense anymore, because of this new information you have decided to believe, but you can't go back and delete it now, and you can't move forward because you don't know how....kind of thing...

It's hard to explain, sorry...but I think you will get what I mean..

Usually, when people complete a new advanced concept (your experiences relate to several in depth concepts) and get overwhelmed initially, I advise them to distract their scared mind for a few days, while it sinks in...but you don't have any supporting info to help it sink in.....hhmmmmm

I definitely know what you are experiencing, but not sure what you want specifically....without more input...

Do you want to understand why you feel these things, why they no longer make sense, how it all slots in together, or how to shut it down, and start from the basics....which will fill in the gaps you need for it to make sense...

You're not going crazy!

[amanda71]

I recently went through a very similar experience - I woke in the middle of the night having a panic attack for no apparent reason. My anxiety and panic continued for almost month, with at least 2 weeks of it being quite severe. I honestly don't know how I made it through, but I did somehow. I was already on antidepressants, although I did switch and increase the dosage after this started. You may be able to benefit from some medication, at least for a short while.

I did feel like I was going crazy, like I was outside of myself watching life through distant eyes. I know now that many of my symptoms are indicative of depression, and that anxiety and panic can also be included in that list of symptoms. You need support and assistance to get through this, so that you know you are not alone and have at least one person you can go to for help and reassurance. However, as you said, YOU are the one who must assume control of your life and your circumstances, although I'm sure it seems nearly impossible right now. Often it is you who is creating the frightening or bizarre scenarios that are causing your distress. You are the only person who can make the changes that are necessary to improve your life, even if that only consists of getting the proper help at this point.

There is nothing wrong with needing others and getting help when you are in a crisis. Know that there are MILLIONS of other people who experience the same feelings you are having now, and that with time and learning some coping skills, you can return to normal (or even better).

There is a website called anxietycentre.com that has very helpful information, and there are numerous other resources from which you may gain helpful tips on managing anxiety, panic, and depression. I used the anxiety centre site and also purchased Lucinda Bassett's program, Attacking Anxiety and Depression, although it is a bit pricey and you can get the same information on the net or in a book at the library. You have already taken the first step by coming here and talking about you problem; now keep going and get yourself some help!

Good luck and keep posting and reading.