Nobody is an island (effect of other people)

[ssandra]

Hi all,

Something that I have noticed in a few discussions lately is that some people here seem to be under the impression that it is wrong to be affected by other people.

While I agree that our happiness does not (or should not) depend on other people, we are not all islands. What other people say and do, does have an impact. How much of an impact and what you do with it is for you to decide.

Example 1: when people give me compliments I get happy. They have an effect on me. When people do not give me compliments that´s ok. Not happy, nor sad. No effect.

When people are nasty to me, I feel that. It does not make me unhappy (in my core) or makes me depressed, but I feel the negative vibes.
It is how I deal with it, that makes the difference.

Exammple 2: If I had a job where people were never grateful for my work, even got angry all the time and I didn´t feel appriciated I would not like that job. Even if the work itself would be good, that would make the difference between a good job and a bad job. (ofcourse, if the work itself would be boring, no amound of apriciation would fix that).

Anyway... my point is: No man is an island and you will always be affected by other people around you. It is up to you what you do with it.

(ps: sorry for any affect and effect mistakes.. it´s difficult!!)

[jamesbiz]

I'll reply to this and the other one when I get done working. Would like to give you something with substance instead of a few hollow one liners.

But I will say that there are people who do NOT need anything from anyone else. They are literally overflowing with love for them selves and everything around them, that it would be nothing more then a drop in the ocean for them.

Beliefs are the only thing that keeps us affected by other people around us. Get rid of those beliefs and you get rid of the affect.

[ns123]

The only issue I have with "no man is an island" sentiments is too often, when I hear it from people who say that, they are really implying that I am responsible for other people's feelings. Which yes, I do accept responsibility when I am purposefully wanting them to feel a certain way, but I don't believe I'm responsible for anyone besides myself (and perhaps my family).

When I hear: "no man is an island" it almost translates to a voice trying to boss me around and tell me what to do. These words have never been said with the implication that, well, it's the speaker's (not my) personal philosophy of living. They seem to imply it should be mine.

So when I hear people saying things like this, no matter what it is they are really trying to tell me, what I hear is this bossy nagging little voice telling me what I should do or what I should be. And my natural reaction to that is to resist.

ssandra, I'm not saying this is your intent. In fact, it could be your personal philosophy of living, to live in a loving inspiring way. And I think it's great. But if some one were to say those words to me: "no man is an island" that's how I would take it - as trying to boss me around.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by ns123

ssandra, I'm not saying this is your intent. In fact, it could be your personal philosophy of living, to live in a loving inspiring way. And I think it's great. But if some one were to say those words to me: "no man is an island" that's how I would take it - as trying to boss me around.

ns123, I did for sure not mean that.. actually the opposite. In how far are other people responsable for YOUR feelings.

It is not so much what I believe or not, but more about a twist from another thread, how healthy or unhealthy is it to want (want, NOT need) compliments from other people

Should your own selflove be enough?

Maybe you can try to forget the sentence "no man is an island" and give me your opinion on the post itself? I would appriciate as much opinions as possible, because I am really struggling with this one right now.

[ns123]

How far are others responsible for my feelings? I'd say, none. I'd say I am entirely 100% responsible for my own feelings.

That doesn't mean I don't want compliments at all, ever. I do think a good amount of self love is healthy and vital to living a happy fulfilling joyful life. But I would not stive to eliminate external input (other people's compliments/feedback) from my life, that's for sure.

Vice versa, I do think that if people are acting negatively or treating me unkindly will affect me. That's only practical and smart that I remove myself from their presence.

I see compliments like having chocolate cake. It's oh so good in moderate amounts, but you don't want to live off of it. And too much cake can make you sick.

[Peter Toth]

Hi Sandra,

This is good question and I would like to share opinion on it. First of all I asume that being affected you mean being emotionaly affected.

Being affected by other people emotionaly could be helpful or harming.

It's helpful when someone other will motivate you or make you happy.

It's not that much helpuful if you will let someone make you angry or sad.

Either way, it's not good when your emotions depends on other people. If you r emotions depends on reactions of others, you never be trully happy, you never be confident. All these good emotions will depends on others and you never be able to fully control other people.

Classical example is when people help someone but that person won't say thank you. People whos good feeling of helping depends on other people say thank you for them, won't be happy.

On other hand there are people like mother Tereza was. She was helping to other because it's helping other makes her feel good and it doesn't matter if other were thankful or not. Even if nobody will notice her, she will be still helping because she did it becuase her self not for reaction of others.

So being affected by others could be good or bad thing. Being depended on others is bad thing and it cause pain. You will be always affected by other people only when you always let them affect you.

If you always let them affect you, your happines will always depend on them and you your happines will depends on others.

If your happines in job will depend on others appreciating your work you will have hard times be happy. If you will do it just because you love it not matter what and you won't allow other people to stop doing what you love you will be satisfied.

If someone will be nasty to you and you let it affect you, you will could feel bad many times because people aren't always in good mood so you will experience nasty people. On other hand you can learn how to not feel bad when someone is nasty to you. You can do this by learning to understand people, understťand why they are nasty to you, what makes them feel that way and you can even learn to help them. Its up to your choice which behaviour is better for you. Which is it?

[brendannz]

Yes, nobody's an island and I think everyone's affected by other people to some extent..

I think it's just that we shouldn't write ourselves off as a victim of forces, it's our life to do what we want with it, and we're in control of it.

So since we're affected by things other people say to us, we should choose to associate with positive people who enforce us or challenge us to be better.. If being around people is only going to give you lower self esteem and not really going to be any benefit to us, we need to X these people out of our lives and find new people..

As well, I don't think our happiness should be entirely determined by how other people treat us. Oscar Wilde said "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance"