oversensitivity and feeling morbid after loss of child (over 2 yrs ago)

[star9160]

Hello to everyone. This is my first post. Sorry for not properly introducing myself. To start with, let me say I have always been an emotional and sensitive person. I have worked in the social work field and have much empathy for others. A year after my son died, I stopped working in the social work field because I felt I needed a break from it in order to focus on my grief process.

It will be 3 years this November since my son died. I have noticed several changes in my emotional health.

I never was morbid. I am now. I'm not suicidal although I would say I do not fear death. I do think of death as a sweet release that I will welcome with open arms when it comes, as I fear that I will feel the pain of my loss for the rest of my life. However, I have two daughters and family and friends that I care for - so no, I am not purposely thinking of leaving this world anytime soon. Spiritual music that speaks of the joys of death and the end of my tears offers me comfort and at the same time can make me cry.

Secondly, I have always been oversensitive, emotional, and empathetic. My ability to be empathetic is there as much as always, but unbelievably I am more emotional and much more sensitive. Perhaps I am more empathetic (or maybe it's just that's it's more painful than it used to be).

But I do find these parts of my personality to be much more painful. I work as a financial counselor in a hospital. I see patients who have no insurance or elderly patients who need help applying for public aid. I hand out charity care applications for help them apply for public aid. A simple job, but my social work background and my empathy can make some of these exchanges very painful.

Although it makes me feel good to offer these patients my services along with my understanding and compassion, after I leave the room dealing with my own emotions can be unbearable. I can keep my emotions in check while with the patient or family, but as soon as I'm alone, I cannot control the emotions and pain I feel.

Before my son died, I worked as a case manager at a homeless shelter. Before that I also worked with children, families, and young adults at risk of being homeless. I was always able to check their personal crisis' at the door before I went home. These jobs did not bring me the pain and uncontrollable tears that I now experience.

Co-workers and acquaintances that know me have always considered me an optimistic, compassionate person. I even think now that many who don't know me well would still say I am optimistic. Although I strive to offer hope to those around me, I'm having a more difficult time giving that hope to myself.

I used to have "rose colored glasses" that I used as a coping mechanism to keep depression at bay. I have lost them. I used to avoid the news because of the emotional pain it could cause. 911 taught me that... I cried for 3 weeks after 911 for the families that lost loved ones. Now I seem to know much more about what is going on in the world, our country, my state and city -- and it makes me very worried about the state of things. I think I need to quit reading the news, but I don't seem to be able to do it.

By the way, I can feel empathy for fictional characters (i.e. movies, books, even commercials) because in my psyche I know there are real people in similar situations. Talk about blubbering through ET the first time I saw it!

Anyway, I would relish any advice or thoughts that anyone has about how to get my emotional health in control.

I'm sorry if this post is a little disjointed. Thank you for reading...

Lori

[ar81]

I have been in contact with many religions and I had a time during my teen age when many young people died around, one by one in a short period of time, and for different causes, including a cousin who was like my brother.

I spent a considerable time trying to find some meaning, and I got to understand that there are highly evolved souls (you may call them angels) who are born, not with the purpose of learning from our normal living, but to teach others as they die young and trigger a different way to see life.

This idea is present in many asian cultures and it gave me some sort of meaning to the losses I experienced.

You may like to read a book called "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian L. Weiss. Brian Weiss is the director of psychiatry of Mount Sinai hospital of Miami and he had a shocking case that changed his life. He lost a baby.

He said in an interview that he had to think a lot before publishing his book, for he is a freudian, lover of scientific method, and publishing this case could ruin his professional reputation.

But he took the risk.

I regret the loss you had, but I am certain that if you gave birth to an old and evolved soul, instead of mourn the death, you may be part of something really big, meaningful and greater than you can imagine today. Not a life for the ordinary person, but a life that will be beyond the understanding of normal people, a special mission assigned to you in this world. I am sure that in time you will understand the words of this stranger who is posting now.

As for 9/11, 3000 died and were widely covered by the press to the point of causing social trauma in US. But nowadays we have 1 billion people around the world, dying of starvation, according to FAO. They die silently, no one cares. The dimension of the tragedy for humanity is bigger, far bigger than on september 11th. But we can do something, in the spiritual world, so this world become awaken, for this world is just a shadow, of the real spiritual world.

[CoolBee]

You don't mention whether you are talking to anyone regularly about your feelings, only that you are working on the grieving process.

From what you have written, it seems that you are covering up your feelings in front of other people and they don't really know how you feel.

There is no timescale on the grieving journey, but do you possibly feel that you need to bottle up in front of people because "surely" you should be over it by now?

I had an emotionally traumatic experience involving a child about 5 years ago (not a bereavement) and after the initial few months when I did cry a lot, I would be sitting at my desk at work and someone would out of the blue say something and I would suddenly just be sitting there with tears rolling down my face. (see - I'm even blubbing about it now just mentioning it!)

Even now, sometimes - not often, things will cause me to cry about it out of the blue and I know that no one who was there at the time would really understand how 5 years after the events I could be brought to tears over them. Sometimes I talk about it with new people so they see me reacting with 'fresh eyes' and are not expecting me to be over it.

So - what am I getting at here - possibly you need to find some 'new ears' to listen to you and your feelings - not necessarily a formal counsellor - just maybe someone who has gone through similar - perhaps one of the Yahoo Groups yahoo groups bereavement of child

Given the other things that you write, I don't think you will become bedded down in the grief, but are ready to start climbing 'Recovery Hill'.

By the way I'm a lot like you in getting tearful in various empathy situations whether real or fiction much to the amazement of people who don't know me well!

This film (not the more famous 1996 film of the same name) had me in so much tears my shirt was soaked wet - my friends practically disowned me on the spot.

[star9160]

Thank you for both responses. Of course I cried while reading both of them. Just to give a little more information: My son was 20 years old, was mentally ill, and killed himself. My belief system is such that I know he came and did what he was supposed to do and touched many people in very unique ways. He had gone through much pain in his short 20 years with behavior problems starting at two years of age. I believe he had done what he needed, had suffered enough pain, and it was time to go home. I have happiness for him, but that doesn't make my pain go away.

I have been involved in an online forum for grieving parents. It was so difficult seeing in reality how many parents are grieving the loss of a child. It became too painful to read their stories, so I stopped doing that.

I've gone to a few "real time" meetings for bereaved parents. The emotional experience is so draining that it is difficult to go. My tears will not stop and I feel that audibly I can't even control my crying in front of the group. The first time I went (over a year after Alex died) I was unable to go to work the next day because of the toll it took on me. Typing this paragraph makes me realize that much of my problem is that I'm afraid of my emotions - the intensity of them. And my smarter self knows that I can't jump over them or go around them. That in order to deal I must go through them. It seems when I do allow myself to feel them, they paralyze me. Although right now I'm only functioning minimally (able to hold down a job), I fear that if I give into my emotions I will quit functioning.

My family is not very much support. They did not want to "see my pain" after a few short month's after Alex's death.

From what I've read and posted I think I am seeing that the reason my empathy is so painful now is because somehow my own pain and emotions from the loss of my son is being somehow mixed in with the empathy I feel for the person I have been working with? Does that sound right?

And my natural conclusion is that this uncontrollable pain I feel when I empathize with others will subside only when I take the time to work through my own pain and emotions. Again am I on the right track?

So the next step is get over my fear of dealing with my own emotions. Does anyone have some good resources of dealing specifically with the emotions caused by the death of a loved one?

FYI -- I have suffered from chronic depression most of my adult life. I just read Steve Pavlina's article on depression which talks about the Law of Attraction and thinking about what you want or doing something you life rather than thinking about that which makes you depressed. However, I'm thinking that this idea does not apply when dealing with the emotions related to my grief.

Thanks and peace to all.

[Acting Like Godot]

I hope this might help you in some way.

YouTube - Dealing With The Emotion by Ajahn Brahm

It is quite long, and not all of it is about grief, but there are some parts which directly discuss that. I suggest you watch the whole video ...